Dale Carnegie (1888–1955)

In general, I do not read self-help books. I find them preachy and uninspiring. This book, however, was highly recommended by a blogger whose post convinced me to give it a shot. I'm glad I did. Though the principles are probably common sense (motivate through praise rather than criticism, listen without interrupting, smile, make the other person feel important, etc.), I believe it did me some good to hear them all laid out in such a straightforward manner. Everybody else on the planet is show more just as self-absorbed as I am, and they care far more about what they want than what I want. Each chapter began with a principle, described it a little in general, then listed anecdote after anecdote about the principle in action. Most telling to me was the repeated assurance that these techniques only work if the feeling behind them in genuine, not manipulative. People can see through flattery.

This book was first published in 1936, and we certainly have not become a more genteel society since then. I wonder what Carnegie would think of the internet and its trolls. For much of the book I could imagine people hearing the advice and thinking, "Yes! This is how other people should treat me!" But of course that's not the point. The point is that if you treat other people this way, you will benefit. Sometimes this will be through convincing people to come around to your way of thinking, but more often just by spreading good will. Had this book been written a few decades later, I'm sure karma would have been mentioned more than once.

Though a couple of the techniques described might come off as passive-aggressive today, by and large it's a good resource - a good reminder for how to deal with other people, to give and receive criticism gracefully, and generally improve your attitude. I hereby recommend it to everyone on the planet. In return, I will attempt to practice its principles in my own life more often. I can't promise I'll always be successful - three decades of acerbity do not disappear overnight, after all - but I can try. show less

I wasn't sure what to expect when I started reading this. Was a self-help book written over 80 years ago really going to have an impact on my career and life? The answer is yes. Absolutely. While a lot of the advice and tips make are no brainers; the accompanying stories and logic behind each action really cement the importance of it and you begin to visualize how it could have an impact on your life. Broken up in short, easy to read sections; it's easy to see why this leadership book has show more remained timeless. This is one I'll actually purchase and go back to consult again and again. I couldn't be more surprised by how much I enjoyed it! show less

https://www.timothyrice.org/howtowinfriends/

Rating: 5/5 – The only self-help book you’ll ever need.
Read if you: Want to improve every relationship you have.

How to Win Friends and Influence People is one of the best selling self-help books of all time, and with good reason. Its advice is timeless, practical, and applicable to everyone.

I am setting a goal of re-reading this book at the start of every year, as a reminder to myself about how any ambitions I have for the new year will be made show more so much easier by improved people skills.

The books is dense with advice, far too much to distill into a single review or take in and process in a single reading. I’m choosing instead to focus on a few key points that stood out to me. On this re-read, that was:

* Everyone wants to be important.
* Good conversationalists are the ones who spend the most time listening, not the most time talking.

In my own life, these are the truths that have lately been the most apparent to me. My house is full of small children right now, and their desire to be important is shouted through their every action. They love being given responsibility and authority, and I’m working to every day find a new way for them to realize their importance.

Similarly, I have always struggled with interrupting others and using discussions as a pulpit. When talking with someone, I often find myself impatiently waiting my turn to butt in and preach about the topic at hand. Surely everyone will be awed by my insights and opinions! However, as Dale Carnegie points out, the people usually seen as the best conversationalists are usually the people who do the most listening, not the most talking.

This counter-intuitive point is born out in an examination of the most memorable conversations I’ve been a part of. What stands out in every single instance is the intent and focused attention the other person had for me. They weren’t waiting for their turn, they were completely engaged with what I was saying to them. Most of the time I can’t remember anything they actually said, just their gift of their attention and recognition.

This is not to say that one should never speak. My memories is full of equally striking examples of great storytellers and orators who riveted me with boisterous tales. The key is knowing when to talk and when to listen. Near as I can tell, the correct play is almost always to let the other person speak first, only taking command of the conversation as a last resort.

I’ll be working these two principles into my daily life as I can. I’ve never been steered wrong by any of Dale Carnegie’s advice, and I always come away from How to Win Friends inspired to seize a more animated and enjoyable life. show less

How to Win Friends & Influence People is still one of the Top 40 Amazon Bestsellers for a reason. Dale Carnegie wrote this book in 1936 because no one was aware of anything like it in existence. All recent works I've read on the Great Depression marveled at its importance. Carnegie taught public speaking and became such a popular lecturer that eventually he turned his lectures into this book and updated it throughout his life with real-life illustrations that his students sent to him.
(The show more edition I read was revised in 1981 and has been updated by the editors with some 1970s examples, making the book slightly odd). More than 8 million people in 80 countries have taken his training course.
"Dale Carnegie would tell you that he made a living all these years, not by teaching public speaking-- that was incidental. His main job was to help people conquer their fears and develop courage."

Carnegie was scholarly beast in studying people, having read hundreds of biographies and critiqued something like 150,000 speeches.

What Carnegie writes jives with recent articles on what Google is looking for in an employee-- how to be someone who leads with confidence. The importance of humility and personal ownership of your own mistakes, while emphasizing others' achievements. Expertise is the least-important to Google and to Carnegie:
"15 percent of one's financial success is due to one's technical knowledge and about 85 percent is due to skill in human engineering-- to personality and the ability to lead people." (p. 22-23)

This is a book that probably been little improved on by other self-help books of the same genre, only the details remain-- for which you can find in psychology books. Carnegie gets his point across with probably a couple hundred stories, ranging from tales of Presidents (Lincoln, Taft, Hoover, TR, FDR) and titans of industry (Andrew Carnegie, Rockefeller, Schwab) to various lecture attendees who wrote Carnegie over the years (the index is impressive). Some of these stories--particularly those of Lincoln-- make the point stick in my mind quite vividly. The American history in the book is great. There are also oft-overlooked biblical references, much of what Carnegie is saying is strongly encouraged in the New Testament.You can read an outline of the chapters on wikipedia.

I have read many works on pop psychology, and even though I'm aware of my own cognitive biases I still am quite susceptible. A smile from a person makes me like them more-- makes me assume other positive attributes about the person.

"'People who smile, tend to manage, teach and sell more effectively, and to raise happier children. That's why encouragement is a much more effective teaching device than punishment'" (quoting a psychologist, pg. 204).

I am often around politicians in hallways and have noticed that they tend to greet strangers with a warm smile, hold the door open for people far behind them, and perform other people-pleasing gestures. It's central to their core. Carnegie gives several examples of politicians and industry leaders in this book who do exactly the same thing-- it's central to their personalities and helps explain their success. People like them just because they seem warm and friendly. I need to smile more. I need to remember more names and call people by their names. All the time.



This week I had a rather critical email written to someone, with a complete rational argument. I felt it was my duty, conviction to correct the person's error. I then shelved it. I am going to re-write tactfully Carnegie style. I may still never send it.

One of the more powerful points Carnegie makes is that "You can't win an argument." (One of his principles is to "never criticize," but he later has a chapter entitled "How to Criticize--and Not Be Hated for It.")

"Why prove to a man he is wrong? Why not let him save his face? He didn't ask for your opinion. He didn't want it. Why argue with him?... What price will I have to pay if I win?" (p. 312, 326)
It demeans people when you set out to prove them wrong, it says "I'm smarter than you and here's why."
"It is obviously not the ideas themselves that are dear to us, but our self-esteem which is threatened" (338) when someone challenges us. "Two thousand years ago, Jesus said: 'Agree with thine adversary quickly'" (356).

"(A)s Charles Schwab put it, 'hearty in their approbation and lavish in their praise.' All of us want that. So let's obey the Golden Rule and give unto others (lavish praise) what we would have others give unto us. How? When? Where? All the time, everywhere."

Owning up to one's owns faults is important, especially before entering into a critique of another or in an argument.
"When we are right, let's try winning people gently and tactfully to our way of thinking, and when we are wrong--and that will be surprisingly often...let's admit our mistakes quickly and with enthusiasm" (376).

"Almost all people you meet feel themselves superior to you in some way, and a sure way to their hearts is to let them realize in some subtle way that you recognize their importance..." (290).

So, encourage others to talk about themselves, talk in terms of their interests, and make them feel important.

Criticism in the absence of an understanding of total love and/or respect is going to be harmful. I can scold my son or criticize my wife for something only if they know that they are 100% secure in my unconditional love. I should draw attention to their mistakes "indirectly," and ask questions rather than giving orders-- for which Carnegie gives several examples. An important point in all cultures I've lived in is to "let the other person save face" (556).

Carnegie has reinforced much of my belief in positive reinforcement of my son-- a cornerstone of ABA therapy for autism. There's principle of "Make the fault seem easy to correct"(590) and this is crucial in dealing with my son-- the example in the book is one of a mentally challenged child who overcomes by gradually building his strength and confidence in certain tasks.


He ends the book on ways to encourage people toward success-- namely focus on the process and small improvements. "Give a dog a good name" (579). Put the seed in the other person's mind that they are greater than what they realize-- the results will follow as they become that person.

Fantastic, classic book. I give it 5 stars. show less