Jen Kirkman

From my Cannonball Read V review...

Full disclosure: when I first heard about this book I got annoyed for two reasons. The first was jealousy – “Oh man why did she get to write this book? I so could have written this book. Damn it.” The second was annoyance at the title – saying “I Can Barely Take Care of Myself” seems to play right into the stereotypes so many of those with children have about us childfree folks. I can take care of myself just fine and I STILL don’t want show more children. But as the author so kindly reminded me herself on twitter when I made such a comment, you really shouldn’t judge a book by its title.

Well, I’m no longer annoyed by the fact that she wrote this book before I could – because is it GOOD. Ms. Kirkman (a writer for Chelsea Lately) did a much better job with this material than I could have done. The book feels honest, self-aware and not obnoxious. Of course I’m probably her target audience (happily committed to the childfree life) and I’m not sure what the Eileens of the world (Chapter 11 – man I’ve met many of them) will think of it. But screw that – who cares? It’s nice to read a book that doesn’t assume that every woman in her 30s without kids is just waiting to get pregnant.

I’m still annoyed at the title a bit to be honest, just because even though she spends a lot of time explaining why she really wouldn’t be the best parent, and even though this is (cringe) her truth, it’s still sort of frustrating that such an awesome book’s first impression is “No, you’re totally right, people who don’t want children are a little broken and just recognize that we aren’t as good at life as you parents are.” But that won’t keep me from recommending the content to all my friends (the ones with kids and the ones without).

The book gives us some of Ms. Kirkman’s background, although it doesn’t feel like a full-on memoir. I bought the book on Thursday and read about 40 pages. I wasn’t able to pick it up again until today (Sunday), and I basically read through the last 160 pages in one sitting. While the early chapters were interesting, she really gets into the meat of the different ways childfree folks find themselves in uncomfortable situations. So many people say (sometimes in the comments of articles Ms. Kirkman herself has written) ‘why do you non-reproducers feel the need to talk about your choice?’ We really, really don’t. But because (some, many, a lot of) people won’t accept no for an answer, we’re repeatedly ‘defending’ a position that is really only our (and our partner’s, if relevant) business. Sometimes it’s easier to just preemptively strike.

I don’t want to take away from the joy of any potential readers by spoiling too many of the great insights Ms. Kirkman shares, but here’s one of my favorites. She spends the better part of one chapter talking through this idea that having a child somehow makes someone selfless (the opposite of us selfish childfree folks) and this whole “I really didn’t know the meaning of life until I had a child” concept. I can’t do it justice here but she basically points out that all of these parents making those claims are essentially suggesting that they had no moral compass until they reproduced, which – huh. Interesting thing to admit. She also points out that many childfree folks are contributing to society in a selfless and meaningful way, such as contributing to charity and doing all sorts of things that people with young children may not have the time to do.

She also takes on such fun responses to “I’m not having children” as “But you’d be such a good mother!” and “It’s all worth it!” while addressing how amazingly insulting it is for some people to just assume they know someone better than they know themselves (the “you just think you don’t want kids” condescension). The liberties people take when they hear ‘no’ in response to ‘are you having children’ is mind-boggling, and Ms. Kirkman does a pretty great job in the Eileen chapter of pointing out how horrible and violated it can make us childfree folks feel. We actually DON’T owe anyone an explanation, and yet somehow we always end up having to defend our choices to people at cocktail parties and weddings even if we really would rather be talking about literally anything else. We also really don’t like being forced to essentially lie to try to make small talk easier for the person with the child who cannot understand

She does veer a little into a sort of ‘huh’ realm with what I think might be an ill-advised analogy in the last chapter but I do get what she’s aiming for. And it doesn’t take away from the rest of this well-written book. If you’re interested in hearing her perspective before committing to buying the book, check her out on the April 18 episode of Citizen Radio – it’s what convinced me that I really needed to read this book.

One last quote I’ll be keeping in my back pocket in case I find myself facing boorish folks at a cocktail party thinking I just rolled out of bed at noon: “I get up at seven on weekends because I love my free time. Not every childfree person sleeps late and parties all the time. I am still a grown-up.” Preach it. show less

(originally posted on shelftalker.wordpress.com)

I am a childfree (CF) lady, just like Jen (I feel like we’re on a first name basis with each other since she responded to my tweet when I flipped out on Twitter about how much I loved this book). We’re both in our thirties and we seem to have the same sense of humor. Beyond that, our lives segue onto very different paths, but for a brief moment in time, while reading her book, I felt as though she could be my doppelgänger.

And being show more childfree (especially by choice, which I am) while trying to find others like you isn’t always easy. I’ve almost made it through every book on the subject and I’m always on the look-out for more (granted, there are maybe only seven books total, but writing that makes me seem like a scholar on the subject). When a book can combine self-deprecating humor and embarrassing personal anecdotes to tackle a subject like this, I’m instantly enthusiastic.

So I messaged Jen seconds after putting the book down (warning: contains some non-grandmother approved words):

Clara Sayre ‏@clarasayre

@JenKirkman Just finished your book (I work in a bookstore & got an advance)…FUCKING BRILLIANT.

@JenKirkman I could relate to everything. It’s said all the time, but I kept thinking you were writing about me….

@JenKirkman CF guilt? Chk. Saying “well, maybe”? Chk. 13 yrs. of ballet & no body fat? Chk. Weight gain after marriage? Chk. Anxiety? CHK!

@JenKirkman The list goes on and on and on…anyway, thank you. :) I’m going to be hand-selling the SHIT out of that book when published!

She direct messaged me back, appreciative of positive feedback regarding her book. My night was made.

I Can Barely Take Care of Myself is all memoir with none of the boring bits thrown in for continuity sake. Kirkman (a comedian/panelist on E’s Chelsea Lately and After Lately) doesn’t shy away from anything, whether it’s recounting the increasing paranoia & anxiety she experienced at the age of nine after watching the fictional nuclear war movie, The Day After, moving back in with her parents right after graduating college, trying to win back an ex-boyfriend by giving him a copy of Superfudge or her failed attempts at babysitting, which resulted in one child obsessing about untimely death and another one wearing his mom’s lipstick.

She takes us through her early years of stand-up comedy, relationships that came and went, and how she met her (now ex-) husband. She describes the familiar tale of getting engaged and immediately being hounded with questions about when they were going to have children (and then being asked why they were even bothering getting married if they weren’t having kids). Recounting one of these conversations with an aquaintance at a friend’s wedding, Kirkman is astounded at the woman’s audacity (“Help me. I’m being judged by a woman for an abortion I didn’t have!”) and later tries to convince her husband that he needs to to take the heat off of her by lying and saying he got a vasectomy.

But my favorite part, by far, is when Reverend Kirkman starts preaching toward the end:

"I resent having to refer to my career as my baby in order to explain myself to parents. It suggests that as long as a woman has something she feels maternal toward, then she passes as a regular human being . . . Women don’t have to have maternal urges to be women . . . Men don’t call their careers their sons or daughters.

It’s a weird thing society puts on us women. They tell us that we can have careers . . . and then they tell us that we aren’t real women if we have careers but no babies, and if we dare pick a career over a baby…we better at least talk about that career like it’s a baby in order to blend in and not call attention to the fact that we’re selfish women who are not carrying on the human race."

I was giddy while reading this book. I was relieved, I was laughing, I was cringing. I dog-eared my way through (for e-readers: that means I bent the page corners over in lieu of a bookmark). I underlined passages that particularly connected with me. I fist-pumped after finishing two different sections that immediately made me feel less self-conscious about myself. Because not only was she able to share snippets of her life that read like a regular memoir but culminate into the many reasons why she’s not having kids, she was also able to connect with the reader on a personal level, especially those of us who wonder if our anxiety disorders play a part in not wanting to become parents.

This is the childfree memoir I’ve been looking for. This is the book that gave me the courage to write my CF story and submit it to a high-traffic blog, where it was later published. When this book is released in April, I hope that it inspires a whole slew of childfree memoirs by women who need to share their stories, but until now, haven’t found an outlet. I hope that it encourages discussion and awareness that women are so much more than our ability to reproduce.

And after all of that, you know what’s even better? It’s laugh-out-loud hilarious and a worthy addition to a bookstore’s Humor or Biography section, let alone a Childfree section (hey, a lady can dream, right?). show less

Overall, I really enjoyed this book. I love her sense of humor and some of her points were SPOT on about the trials of those who don't want kids, or aren't sure if they want kids. It was funny and honest, and a lot of fun. The downside was that at times Kirkman got a bit repetitive, driving the same point home over and over and over again. I also found the mention of her marriage and then sudden subsequent divorce more distracting than anything, as most of it didn't tie into the whole "I show more never want kids" thing, and the divorce was mentioned without any explanation. I just thought it was a bit strange. I would definitely recommend though, especially to other people who aren't ready to procreate despite being at a time in their lives when they feel like they're the only ones choosing NOT to. show less

Jen Kirkman is a stand-up comedian who decided early in life that she was not meant to be a mother. In I Can Barely Take Care of Myself, she explores the events in her life that led to and confirmed her beliefs in being childfree. With a witty, at times almost cringeworthy, voice Kirkman details her experiences choosing to forego motherhood in a very child-centric world.

When, in the the first handful of pages, Kirkman compared people badgering her over the need to have kids to them telling show more her why she needs to watch The Wire, I knew I was going to enjoy this book. Don't get me wrong; I love The Wire, but I didn't watch it until several years after it first aired. I totally know where she's coming from...

In more ways than one. Though I do want kids eventually, I've been married for almost five years and my husband and I are still enjoying our time without children. I've been in many of the situations Kirkman describes in the book, despite my insistence that I do want to have a child, and her ability to make them humorous had me reading aloud to my husband more than once in gigglefits.

While it's definitely funny, writing I Can Barely Take Care of Myself off as the work of a snarky comedian lacking substance would be a mistake. Kirkman makes some really interesting social observations. What stood out strongest to me were her comments regarding the fact that women often feel forced to use their career as an excuse for not being mothers. I realized that I often mention work as a reason why my husband and I have decided to wait, when in reality it has very little to do with my career. So, why do I feel like I have to make excuses? As Kirkman mentions further, few people will let any other reason slide by. "As long as a woman has something she feels maternal toward, then she passes as a regular human being. She wants to swaddle her career, so we'll make an exception and give her a pass!"

Clearly, I am part of a target audience for this book that is rather limited. There are many that will be easily offended by Kirkman's honesty, just as they may be offended by her choice not to have children and this book will not be for them. However, for those who are considering not having children, waiting to have kids or just open to different viewpoints, I Can Barely Take Care of Myself is one you'll want to grab. show less