The Relationship Cure

I thought this book's central idea was/is life-changing, but the delivery was so-so.

Basically, the idea is that we're continuously making 'bids for connection' with others. This could be questions, words, actions, literally anything where we're, in part, saying "connect with me".

When we get such a bid, we can accept it, reject it, or ignore it. Accepting makes the relationship stronger and happier. Rejecting makes the relationship worse, but still leaves it emotionally engaged. Ignoring makes the relationship worse and less emotionally engaged.

Sometimes we get a bid for connection that's attached to something irrelevant (eg "Do you like the cookies I made?" yes-> you accept me, no -> you reject me). In that scenario, we can say "I show more accept you but reject the thing" (eg "I don't want the cookies, but you're great")

Understanding that people are basically doing this all the time and learning how to navigate it has changed the way I interact with people... but, again, the book itself is just kinda so-so, hence the low-ish rating.

Oh, and most importantly, this isn't just some author's pet theory. Everything in here is backed by inordinate amounts of science and even math and game theory. I've gone through some more of Gottman's books and the foundations are incredibly thorough. show less

This is the best book on relationships I have ever read -- a truly impressive tour-de-force. John Gottman has discovered the Rosetta Stone of relationships. He has decoded the subtle secrets contained in our moment-to-moment communications. By introducing the simple yet amazingly powerful concept of the "bid," he provides a remarkable set of tools for relationship repair. By the middle of the second chapter you're likely to say to yourself, "Oh, so that's what's happening in my relationship with my partner (or colleague, boss, or sister), and now I know what to do about it."
-- Daniel B. Wile, Ph.D.,

This book impressed me as one of Gottman’s most meaningful books. It is causing me to ponder the things I read.

Here is a quick book summary
- Bids for connections
- Response to bids for connection
- Learn how to recognize and respond to bids for connection
- Learn how to make bids to connection
- Understand the 7 Emotional Command Systems to improve response to bids for connection

Five steps you can take to achieve this mastery and make your relationships work: (Page 3)
1. Analyze the way you bid and the way you respond to others’ bids.
2. Discover how your brain’s emotional command systems affect your bidding process.
3. Examine how your emotional heritage impacts your ability to connect with others and your style of bidding.
4. show more Develop your emotional communication skills.
5. Find shared meaning with others.

A typical ladder of needs within a friendship might look like this:
1. Light conversation or “small talk”
2. Humor
3. Friendly gossip
4. Affection
5. Support
6. Problem solving
7. Connection around heartfelt subjects like future goals, worries, values, meaning

The Seven (Emotional) Systems (in Chapter 4)
- The Commander in Chief
- The Explorer
- The Sensualist
- The Energy Czar
- The Jester
- The Sentry
- The Nest Builder

Chapters:
1. How We Connect Emotionally
2. Step One: Look at Your Bids for Connection
3. Six Bid Busters and How to Avoid Them
4. Step two: Discover Your Brain’s Emotional Command System
1. Seven old friends meet for a reunion (each with a different emotional command system)
5. Step Three: Examine Your Emotional Heritage
1. Anger as a bid for connection (Chapter 5, Loc 3500-35xx)
6. Step four: Sharpen Your Emotional Command System
7. Step Five: Find Shared Meaning
8. Apply What You’ve Learned in Marriage
9. In Conclusion show less

Nothing too new. But still good advice. I'm not sure if I like the worksheets.

John Gottman, a psychologist and leading researcher in relationships, offers an empirically supported program for improving relationships of all kinds.