The Eye of Argon

We've all seen movies that are "so bad it's good." I never thought a book could accomplish that same level of horrible wonderfulness, until I read this work. I fell into the dilemma everyone else had in what rating to give it. On one hand, it is just worst book ever in the world. The worst writing ever. The worst typos ever. The worst use of a thesaurus ever. I am convinced that people who are learning to write should read this work at some point in order to learn what NOT to do. But on the other hand, it is just so entertaining, so ambitious, so wonderful. After all, any book that has a chapter 3 1/2 and 7 1/2 deserves all the praise in the world. I would never recommend this book to anyone ever. But seriously, I recommend it.

Alguns livros são bons, alguns livros são medíocres, alguns são ruins, alguns são tão ruins que se tornam bons e em uma categoria própria temos The Eye of Argon, considerado por muitos como o pior livro de fantasia já escrito na história da humanidade.

The Eye of Argon não é uma sátira, mas uma história escrita seriamente em 1970 pelo norte-americano Jim Theis, que na época tinha 16 anos. A obra foi publicada em uma fanzine de fantasia e, ao invés de cair no esquecimento como milhares de outras histórias criadas por fãs amadores, se espalhou entre entusiastas do gênero em convenções e encontros de leitura. Com o advento da internet, o sucesso do The Eye of Argon explodiu e uma reedição foi lançada no mundo dito show more real em 1995, mas o texto pode ser encontrado inteiro na rede aqui.

A escrita é um labirinto de palavras pomposas, mas colocadas em contextos ilógicos, como se uma criança tentasse copiar o estilo de Poe ou Lovecraft. O escritor britânico David Langford fala sempre do “assustador dom de escolher as palavras erradas” de Theis e a resenha do editor da Amazon o chama de “o Ed Wood da prosa”. Segue abaixo uma tradução minha de parte de uma coluna de Langford de 1998. Também me arrisquei a traduzir os transcritos, mas tenha em mente que, como a tradução dos trabalhos de qualquer grande mestre, a minha versão não faz juz ao original.

A história nos introduz Grignr, o bárbaro, parecido com Conan mas com pior temperamento e mais difícil de pronunciar. O seu grito de guerra preferido é “vadia”, direcionado indistriminadamente a homens e mulheres. O Olho de Argon que dá nome ao livro é uma jóia preciosa, o olho de um ídolo. Jim Theis é um gênio da escolha incorreta de palavras, como no trecho em que Grignr busca diversão em uma taverna:

“Encarando uma curvelínea fêmea acocorada solitária em um banco, Grignr avançou desejando utilizar salutarmente o seu tempo. As incertas tochas lançavam seus raios de luminescência dançando sobre a prostituta seminua de sua escolha, os seus intricados cachos de cabelo eram como as raízes de uma orquídea e balançavam graciosamente sobre o pequeno e opaco nariz, enquanto ela elevava o caneco meio cheio em direção aos seus lábios pálidos e vermelhos.”

“Olhando para cima, a alusiva complexão notou o vigoroso gigante enquanto ele se aproximava rapidamente. Um leve brilho faiscou do par de profundos ovais azuis da amorosa fêmea conforme ela se movimentou em direção a Grignr, entiçando-o a juntar-se a ela. O bárbaro se sentou em um banco ao lado das raparigas, expondo seu corpo, nu salvo pela tanga de tecido brandindo uma longa espada de aço…”

“O agigantado titã ignorou as perguntas da inquisitiva fêmea, puxando-a em sua direção e esmagando os seus firmes mamilos contra o seu peito desejoso. Sem protestar ela se entregou, envolvendo com seus braços longos e macios os enbrutecidos e bronzeados ombros de Grignr, conforme as mãos calejadas acariciavam o seu busto firme e protuberante.”

Theis ficou sua vida inteira vivendo à sombra de sua obra. Ele se formou em jornalismo e se dedicou aos hobbies de colecionar livros, quadrinhos, espadas e programas antigos de rádio. Em uma entrevista de 1984, ele se revelou chateado por ser até aquela data lembrado por algo que fez quando adolescente e jurou que jamais escreveria outro livro em sua vida, promessa que manteve até sua morte em 2002. Talvez o mundo não esteja mesmo preparado para The Eye of Argon 2. show less

[5.0 / 5.0 Delisiviously Violence Amazzing Horribel Starz!]

This book is hilariously, over-the-top, ridiculously horrid. It's violent! It's got the worst sex scenes you've ever read! It's got typos, misspellings, and made-up words! In short, it's amazing! The only thing sad is that the author pledged to never write another word again. The dude was 16 when he wrote it in the '70s, so I would have told him: "Keep writing, kid, but let me give you a few tips."

How could you not simply adore the awfulness of a novel that starts like this:

The weather beaten trail wound ahead into the dust racked climes of the baren land which dominates large portions of the Norgolian empire. Age worn hoof prints smothered by the sifting sands of time shone

show more

dully against the dust splattered crust of earth. The tireless sun cast its parching rays of incandescense from overhead, half way through its daily revolution. Small rodents scampered about, occupying themselves in the daily accomplishments of their dismal lives. Dust sprayed over three heaving mounts in blinding clouds, while they bore the burdonsome cargoes of their struggling overseers.

"Prepare to embrace your creators in the stygian haunts of hell, barbarian", gasped the first soldier.

"Only after you have kissed the fleeting stead of death, wretch!" returned Grignr.

Be warned: If you can't get into the spirit of its awful text, then this book is definitely not for you. It will be a horrendous, painful slog. Read it here if you dare:

http://www.foxacre.com/argon/FoxAcre_SOCRE_Eye_of_Argon.pdf show less

Well, it was a quick read (about an hour-and-a-half) other than that, it's just as bad as you have heard. Although I have to say I enjoyed it more than any Brak the Barbarian story by John Jakes where the long passages of boring cliche are sometimes interrupted by bizarre and out-of-place imagery.
Not that this book is not entirely based on cliches mind you. There seems to be an underlying plot here but it is completely tarred over with consistent bad attempts at purple prose and overwhelming useless detail. This is where all of the irony and humor of this work resides.
I cannot really recommend this book, even though it is a short novelette, to anyone unless you want to participate in a round-robin read party so as to laugh at its show more sheer badness coupled with the hamming up of it by the readers. It is sometimes funny which is the only reason to read this mess but it does quickly become a bit of a slog. The story of this book and its author, however, is interesting and worth knowing. show less

Grignr the Ecordian is a barbarian. He goes to a town. He gets arrested and thrown to a dungeon. He rescues a fair maiden from a bunch of evil priests, grabs a fantastic jewel and escapes.

You've heard that tale, right?

Now imagine the same tale written by a teenager with rather slippery typewriter keys, and a certain level of blindness for grammar and vocabulary to begin with. Instead of doing the competent things, Jim Theis chose to do the next best thing: just enough juvenile incompetence to make things funny enough.

This is *just* the sort of hilarity everyone needs. I actually picked up writing myself because I read some of this story years back, and felt that I could definitely do better. Writing isn't something that should be show more reserved to people who actually *know* their stuff. We're all learning. We're all making steps toward greatness. Everyone should write. The guy who wrote this story clearly had fun writing a story like this, and that's all that really matters. The story became a cult hit, and not undeservedly - it's a good balance between stupidity and readability. And apparently while the author never wrote anything else of note, he was a good sport about the infamy. An example to us all.

It's just a short novella, of course, so I'm giving it 4 stars of sheer comedy and one deducted star for the fact that the guy never wrote more of this stuff. Also, I love the foreword in this edition and I'll give hats off to everyone who tracked down the author and the actual copies of this piece. This is how history is made. show less

Story is meh, writing is unintentionally hilarious in places but it was written by a teenager so I can't be too critical. You can see how this became an underground "classic" in its day but it's probably time to let it go.

The Eye of Argon is a work everybody should be aware of.

The prose is breathtaking. The emotional impact is such that you will frequently pause to wipe the tears from your eyes.

Do you like rugged adventure, noble barbarians confronting effete civilisation? Read The Eye of Argon.
Do you like tales of searing passion? Read The Eye of Argon.
Do you want philosophical musings on the nature of time? Read The Eye of Argon.

Whatever you normally read, enrich your life by reading The Eye of Argon. You will never regret it.

There is an excellent summary at Wikipedia which also gives a link to the full text.