Wish I Could Be There: Notes From a Phobic Life

A wonderful, gracefully written book, on several levels.

First, even if you think you know what agoraphobia is, this book will probably tell you something more. I can see why many people probably think Allen Shawn has a mild version because he is able to drive (only not so far), teach at university, perform on occasion and visit his hometown of New York (as long as he doesn't drive through tunnels, take the subway, etc., etc.). He has two children, though he's now divorced. (Though he doesn't say, I believe he was married to NYer writer Jamaica Kincaid.)

So the catch-all "agoraphobia" is a constellation of phobias, as probably are most others. He explains it all very well--the theories, the symptoms, the legacies of the pre-human brain, show more the environmental reinforcers. He's such a graceful writer--rather maddening since he's a composer and pianist by profession. I used to write about behavioral science, and so often found myself just totting up possible causes or falling into the on the one hand or the other.

The book will also be of great interest because his father was William Shawn, the renowned editor of The New Yorker for so many years.

The father had many, more, of the same behaviors. He never traveled in a plane; after a honeymoon sojourn in Europe, he returned to New York and never got much farther, by train, than his hometown of Chicago. This is a man who never took a walk by himself, had to sit at the end of a row in a theater, needed always to have people around, who seemed to have a fear of nature. That's interesting in itself and points to the genetic inheritance.

But you can also see how the family dynamics may have upped the chances that Allen would inherit the fears, even if his brother, actor Wallace Shawn, did not. (As for Allen's twin sister, who seems to be autistic ... whew! who knows?)

To repeat myself, the writer gets this across so well without leaning too far in one direction or another. There were subjects that were off-topic in his father's presence: blood, disease, bodily functions. (How, in heaven's name did he edit articles on such matters?).

When Allen and his sister were toddlers, their father began a decades-long affair with the writer Lillian Roth (tho she's never named). Although Allen didn't learn about it until age 30, obviously it affected how his mother and father behaved. William even had a separate home phone just for Lillian's calls. (William always kept both women apprised of his location; how did that work?). The subtly detailed descriptions of his father actually become novelistic--just so well observed.

He says we all have some phobias, neuroses, or exaggerated fears. I was glad to see that he pointed out that mine, a fainting feeling, is common linked to the sight of blood and gore (well, actually, a mere description might do it.) Hmmm, how did that ever serve a positive function like the fight-or-flight reaction? show less

An odd, interesting little book about being agoraphobic. He tells about his family - both of his parents had phobias - talks some about what science knows about phobias, and describes how he lives with his phobias. I think of myself as agoraphobic because I find reasons not to go places, but I rarely have the somatic symptoms he does: difficulty breathing, blacking out, digestive problems. It's sobering to read his descriptions of his life. Despite it all he's a successful composer and teacher, but he lives his life within narrow confines. I appreciated his willingness to talk about it.

Shawn’s examination of his agoraphobia and his family life as a possible “trigger” for his phobia reads like a rather strange blending of introspective analysis, family memories and a textbook spanning the scientific fields of neurosciences, evolution and psychotherapy. Shawn’s personal research journey is far reaching in both scope and time. I found it interesting to learn about the phobias of Emily Dickinson and Hans Christian Anderson, and found Shawn’s account of his twin sister Mary to be a very sad one. Whether Shawn’s phobia can be attributed, even partially, as being inherited from his high-strung father and overprotective mother is used to help connect the memoir side of this book with the science side. While Shawn show more attempts to come across as candid, his writing is restrained, almost rigid. In Shawn’s own words:

” In writing the book I came to the conclusion that the shame I originally felt at the prospect of writing it was a fear worth conquering. My hunch is that beneath the surface of even the most smoothly functioning lives (and families) there are always fissures – psychological crises, deficits, conflicts. By putting my own worst foot forward, as it were, I mean to challenge our assumptions about what a normal person is.”

Overall, an interesting read if you are interesting in reading about a personal struggle to understand and overcome agoraphobia.

Notable Quote:
"However full of inner resources we may be and however many outer connections we may have, we as individuals are still absolutely, irrevocably singular. Our brief life span is bounded on all sides by nothingness. The living earth moves through the infinite dark."

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Allen Shawn writes about being phobic. How his phobias shape his life, how he's tried to overcome them, and how knowing how his childhood environment shaped them doesn't relieve the tension.

Trying to explain how being phobic feels must be like trying to explain what a banana tastes like to someone who has never had the experience. While Wish I Could be There is an explanation, in layman's terms, of the research he's done on phobias, it is also filled with anecdotes of Shawn's experiences. And, it's the story of his family's secrets (Dad had two families) and his twin sister's autism and institutionalization at age 8, among other traumas. Told with care and curiosity, Allen Shawn explains his life as conductor, teacher and composer, all show more the while coping with his debilitating phobias.

Although somewhat academic in places, I liked reading about Shawn and his life. The parts about his twin are almost heart-breaking. show less

I was dying to read this, based on the reviews, but was a little disappointed with the dryness of his writing, especially in the research sections (of which there were too many!). I guess the distancing goes along with the phobias. Highly interesting, nevertheless, especially if you skim the research parts.

This is not the typical memoir; it's very detailed, almost like a textbook. This guy is really smart, but sometimes I missed how much his disorder affected him emotionally.

This is not the typical memoir; it's very detailed, almost like a textbook. This guy is really smart, but sometimes I missed how much his disorder affected him emotionally.