Gary Smalley (1940–2016)

As I have mentioned in other reviews, books that fall broadly within the “self-help” category are usually not my “go-to” reads. It’s not that I live under the delusion that I’ve pretty much got my life under control and am, for all intents and purposes, pretty near perfect—far from it! Rather, my experience has been that many self-help books typically share observations that are so “self-evident,” that they barely qualify for the title of “insight.” There is also the show more fact that many self-help writers seem to have perfected the marketing technique of “re-packaging,” selling book after book with relatively little in the way of new insights or approaches.

But enough with the rant against an entire genre that is, by all accounts, not going away any time soon. I grew up listening to James Dobson’s “Focus on the Family” radio broadcast; Gary Smalley along with his colleague John Trent were frequent guests of the program, so I’m familiar with his work…at least, I’m as familiar as any ten-year-old boy would be with tips for maintaining a healthy marriage. However, even that half-familiarity was enough to make much of what Smalley shared here sounded eerily familiar.

Smalley is, clearly, a gifted observer and communicator. It is easy to see from his writing why and how he would excel as a counselor; he has, as the numerous anecdotes he shares here amply demonstrate, the unique ability to help people really perceive their own behaviors and the attendant negative outcomes. (I’ve learned that the best counselors are not the ones who tell you what to do but the ones who show you what you are doing and help you then figure out for yourself how you ought to do things differently.) This is probably the book’s single-greatest strength; written at the apex of a lifetime of marriage counseling, Smalley’s advice is clearly grounded in the “real world” of actual relationships, drawn from an absolute treasure-trove of experience. It becomes quite evident that, in his time as a counselor, Smalley quite literally “saw it all,” from the comical to the catastrophic.

I suppose the two most important insights that I gleaned from this work (amongst a host of other smaller but no less important “aha” moments), were these:
• The most significant enemy of lasting marital love is unresolved anger
• The biblical idea of love is rooted in the concept of “honor” (in the sense of “holding as precious”) for our spouse

The anger that crops up in marriage is typically related to disappointed expectations. And the root of disappointed expectations is an unhealthy relationship with God. We are disappointed with people when we look to them for fulfillment that only God can deliver. As you can see, this can quickly become a vicious spiral: I expect too much from my spouse, my spouse fails to deliver on my unrealistic expectation, therefore I become angry, which (oddly enough) raises my expectations (e.g., now I want my expectation met PLUS an adequate apology for disappointing me), which makes it even MORE impossible for my spouse to meet the demand, which makes me even MORE angry…you get the picture. To get at the root of your unresolved anger then, you must work on your relationship with God; once you find the needed satisfaction in Him, you can release your spouse from the prison of false expectations, and find true lasting joy in your relationship.

The second most important insight was the relationship of “honor” to “love.” Smalley notes that the ancient Greeks thought of something “honorable” as something that was “heavy” or “weighty.” It is “honor” that determines the “weight” of any relationship. Honor in a marital context does not mean that our friendships don’t “count” at all, only that they “count” LESS than our marriage (or, at least, they should). To “honor” your spouse means to give them first priority and consideration; it also requires physical manifestation. (You can’t really “honor” wounded military veterans without something tangible like a Purple Heart; words ABOUT “honor” do not constitute “honor” itself!) Here is the brutal truth: people “fall out of love” with their spouse because, at some forgotten point, they’ve chosen to stop actively “honoring” them. Smalley also asserts (against our instincts and folk wisdom) that there is really no way to “over-praise” someone, especially from someone who truly “honors” them. True, heart-felt, genuine praise actually combats conceit and pride.

To some, that probably appears to be rather miserable as a final “take-away” from a 200-plus page book, and I suppose that may be right. But I think it stems from the nature of the book itself, which is kind of a “smorgasbord” of key concepts and ideas culled from Smalley’s other work. Now, to be fair, this was part of the book’s intentional design (to “survey” some of the relational landmines that sabotage lasting marital love) and, in and of itself, it is NOT a flawed design. However, it DOES leave the book feeling a bit “disjointed,” especially in the second section, where the order of chapters feels arbitrary at best, hodge-podge at worst.

Having said that, this might then be the PERFECT book for pre-marital counseling or for newly-weds, situations where spouses need to be aware of a variety of pitfalls, rather than working hard on one or two persistent areas of weakness. However, for a 40-something husband whose been (pretty happily) married to his wife for going-on 18 years (ahem, me), it perhaps failed to connect at points for being too generalized or for dealing at length with issues that have already worked themselves out.

I will conclude by saying that, as averse as I am to “self-improvement” books, I am glad that I decided to include this genre in my annual reading regimen and that I chose to read this book. And while I may not see much “new” insight here, I do understand the value of the “timely reminder.” Smalley offers here “tried and true” teaching on what a BIBLICAL marriage should look like, and can offer any open reader a renewed chance to work toward a “love that lasts.” show less

Another re-read review for me. I haven't read through the Baxters in some time, and lately I've been missing my momma, so I am glad to be back to the Baxters. They bring me closer to her since she hooked me on them. So, when I finished Redemption, I jumped into Remember and was not disappointed. Much like the first book, you feel like coming home with this one, too.

Remember is a story that hits home with me. I was lost for a time, but with my mother's love and my father's love and the love show more of the good Lord above and lots of prayer, I found my sins were too much to bear alone, and I remember who I belonged to and who loved me. I just needed to honor them. Reading this book reminded me of that and made me so thankful for God in my life and remembering why I need Him in my life. Watching Ashley's story unfold, realizing the messages that God was leaving for her in those around her, really tugged at my heart. Ashley's character has always been a favorite of mine, and I felt like I was reunited with a long lost friend.

This is definitely still a 5 star book in my opinion. This book will twist you up, make you smile, make you angry, and make you fall in love a fictional family all in the same setting. This family is no longer a fictional family for me, and I am happy to say that this book is still on my keeper shelf. The Lord truly knows how to work His grace and honor through the talented hands of Ms. Kingsbury and I love that. If you want a book that will be unforgettable and jump off the pages like a movie playing on the big screen, then look no further than that of this second book in the Redemption series. Have tissues handy and be ready for a powerful move from God!

*I purchased this book for my personal collection. Cafinated Reads was under no obligation to post a review, positive or negative.* show less

Half way through this book I had it figured out.

Rule 1: If there is a problem, it is the man’s fault.
Rule 2: For all other cases see rule number 1.

But having finished the book that isn’t quite what he says. I went back to see where he said it, and he never comes out and says it. He does challenge someone to disprove it. The man tried, but did not succeed. Smalley demonstrated in every case that he had caused the problems which he was blaming on his wife.

The book has many examples of show more where the man hurt their marriage through his insensitivity, and how that just does not work. And for balance, there are also examples of doing things right. There are tables and questionnaires to help the reader realize that the man needs to take responsibility for the health of the marriage.

So stated in another way:

If there is a problem in the marriage, it is the man’s responsibility to take ownership of the problem, listen, understand, apologize, and make it right. Trying to force the issue by criticism, etc makes it worse. So to summarize the book in one sentence:

Rule 1: The man is responsible for the quality of the marriage.

--------------------------

A few notes from the book:
1. Your wife needs to feel that she is very valuable in your life. more important than your mother, your children, your friends, your secretary, and your job.
2. When your wife is stressed out and hurting, she needs to know that you are willing to share an intimate moment of comfort without demanding explanations or giving lectures.
3. She needs open unobstructed communication.
4. She needs to be praised so she can feel a valuable part of your life.
5. She needs to feel free to help you without fearing retaliation and anger.
6. She needs to know that you will defend and protect her.
7. She needs to know that her opinion is so valuable that you will discus decisions with her, and act only after carefully evaluating her advice.
8. She needs to share her life with you in every area - home, family, and outside interests.
9. She needs you to be the kind of man her son can follow and her daughter would want to marry.
10. She needs to be tenderly held often, just to be near you apart from times of sexual intimacy.
When her needs are met, a woman gains security and glows with a sense of well-being. Some of her glow will rub off on you, especially if you are responsible for it in the first place. show less

A great book - (1986 version) that reminds us of the needs of God's children to receive blessings in their lives. The focus of the book is on children and how as adults you can give them the blessings that they cherish so much, but also is about blessing others, including your spouse, parents, church family, etc. I think it would be great if we all practiced this - empowering us to give this blessing to others, even if you don't feel like you have received it yourself. But a large part is in show more forgiveness to be able to receive the blessing for you as well. I enjoyed the version of the book I read - would like to look over the updated version. show less