Kevin Leman

I'm exceptionally disappointed in this book.
It's mostly good/sound common sense advice, but it's pepper and salted with so much sexism, gross generalizations, and contradictions that it's hard to take any of it seriously.
Dr. Leman has such firm views on what a wife does versus what a husband does, what a teenage girl does versus what a teenage boy does that it feels like he hasn't actually worked with *actual* teenagers in decades.
He's a proponent of abstinence only and seems to parade show more teenage sex or *gasp* using "the marijuana" as the worst sins teens can commit. It reads like it was written in the 1930s.
I literally burst out in a honking laugh when he started bringing up the thoroughly discredited/debunked birth order theory. And then, lo and behold, I found out he's a the shyster who CAME UP WITH THAT bunk pseudoscience. What a quack! show less

-Tyndale House Publishers has provided me with a complimentary copy of this book in exchange for an honest review-

It's so refreshing to have someone tell us to relax, to slow down, to enjoy our families and to just spend quality time together. It seems kind of odd that we need someone to tell us this, because it seems like it would be common sense, but there are fewer people out there projecting this message than it would seem. Instead, we're pressured to be super parents, to schedule every show more single minute of our childrens' time with educational and developmentally valuable material and activities, to groom them to succeed in every moment.

Being a parent is a job where one feels constant pressure, so much pressure - from others as well as from ourselves... I actually found myself next to tears in a couple of places of this book, thinking about the way I pressure myself and constantly guilt myself for not doing more and more with my child - who is only just over 3 1/2 years old and is *already* reading - the point being that he's *obviously* doing well, and yet I still feel like I'm not doing "enough", like I should be doing even "more", instead of telling myself we're obviously doing well and I need to feel comfortable enough to let him just be a kid, to "just play" without feeling guilty for not "doing" so much, if that makes sense. To have someone say that it is not only okay, but *important* to learn to slow down, to have down time, to enjoy the time we have together as a family, instead of constantly pressuring ourselves to be "perfect" was *such* a nice change.

I may not agree with absolutely everything the author says in this book, but the overall message is one that I really can get behind. And there are so many resources in this book - he touches on ten ways to rear a child from the inside out, on things like reality discipline, the idea of reacting vs. responding to our children, grading the grades, focusing on who your child is more than what he or she may do, and much more, even a section on the importance of keeping your marriage strong, and sections for single parents as well. Each chapter ends with questions to consider and tips or highlights relating to the material you just read, and there are boxes scattered throughout the chapters with information, tips, and questions that also tie into the material.

All I know is that in a world where we seem to be told that putting our kid on the wheel of countless activities is the right thing to do to give him or her a leg up in life, it is really nice to have someone focus on the fact that a family is healthier, and does better, when the members actually take time to *be* a family. This is a book anyone who feels guilty for "not doing enough" would benefit from, as it will help to ease the pressure we feel to push our children, to take every single available moment to groom them instead of enjoying them or letting them be children. And it is one I would hope parents who are stuck on the wheel, as he says, would read and consider as well. show less

NCLA Review - I can save you $17.99. Here’s Leman’s premise: You adore; your man will cave. The magic words are 1. Respect, 2. Need, 3. Fulfill…HIM, of course. Leman apparently believes that if a woman shows respect to her man, lets him know she needs him, and figures out and does what it takes to fulfill him, it’s happily-ever-after time. The writing is sparky but repetitious, and many of his suggestions aren’t helpful. Leman continually reinforces male/female stereotypes (e.g. show more Men: few words; women: lots of words), and advocates sex as reward. Much of his counsel is downright unrealistic for many people (e.g. if hubby won’t get around to fixing the dishwasher, hire a repairman and let hubby take the consequences—a $180 bill). There’s an occasional nugget that would be worthwhile if freed from sexism, such as “no man wants to be told what to do.” Women do? Overall, his counsel is old but not wise. Rating: 0 —DKW show less

Psychologist Kevin Leman believes that birth order strongly affects adult personality attributes, a person's relationships with their spouse and children, and even one's occupational choice. In this book, he characterizes attributes of first- borns, middle children, last- borns, and only - children. Leman offers advice to adults to help them understand their personality attributes and how to make their birth order work best for them. Likewise, he advises parents on how to meet the particular show more needs of siblings that reflect their birth order.

This book relies heavily on sweeping generalizations. For example, first - borns are said to be more highly motivated to achieve than are younger siblings. They tend to be "perfectionist, reliable, conscientious, list makers, well – organized, critical, serious, and scholarly", and "known for their strong powers of concentration, tolerance, and patience." Of US presidents (we are informed), 52% were first borns, as were 21 of the first 23 astronauts sent to space. (Is this actually true? How many were only - children, and how many merely the first born male -- given that such careers were long not open to females?) Regardless, Leman considers that such numbers reflect the fact that first borns seek careers that require "precision, strong powers of concentration, and dogged mental discipline." In contrast, "middle" children are said to have lacked sufficient attention, and as adults, try to avoid conflict at any price, and tend to be secretive, prone to embarassment, and to have (despite a calm exterior) "all kinds of storms" brewing beneath the surface. Similar sorts of generalizations are offered about last- borns and those who have been the "only child."

Much of this information will sound familiar to readers of books on pop psychology, where it has been repeated over the decades. However, because this book cites no empirical studies and refers to very little of the social science literature, its glib assertions remain uncorroborated and difficult to assess. One potential criticism of the birth- order hypothesis -- that it is somehow like astrology -- is (as Leman notes) entirely unfair. Under the birth - order hypothesis, children respond to their early environment (including siblings) by forming personalities that reflect parental expecations and styles of supervision, as well as sibling ties and rivalries. Accordingly, birth order attributes are purported to reflect responses of flexible potentials to particular circumstances, while having nothing to do with genetics (or the supernatural).

Nevertheless, as Leman readily acknowledges, there are many variables other than strict birth order that can affect a given child's personality. Among the confounding variables are gender -- thus (he notes) that a girl with two older brothers may show attributes of a first born, since she is the first girl. Another variable is body type -- when a boy is physically larger and more powerful than his older brother, the result may be a role reversal. Another variable is size of the age gaps between siblings; a larger gap may yield a set of siblings that restart the birth order count. Other variables include family size, presence of twins (who attract special attention whatever their position in the age hierarchy), children with special needs, and blended families (siblings of different parentage). To this list we can add features Leman never considers but which are very much attributes of the US social scene, such as single parent households, spousal abuse, alcoholism, divorce, and poverty. Further, Leman's facile generalizations about career choices entirely ignore the impact of social class -- as if all individuals have equal access to professional careers -- not to mention the significant issues of race and gender. Thus, the book implicitly ignores the ways personalities and potentials are reflections of the social, political, and economic features of the society at large. Leman's account may or may not apply to middle and upper class US society in the 1980s, but they can hardly be assumed to apply to other time periods or to the world at large. (The situation is analogous to Freud's parochial focus on upper class women of Vienna).

Finally, one ought not overlook the important role of heredity on personality, manifested in attributes that have nothing to do with birth order. For example, much recent research has shown that features ranging from risk- taking behavior to religiosity to homosexuality have strong heritable components.

In response to those complexities that he does recognize, Leman seems to stretch his explanations to fit any circumstances. In his anecdotes, there is always a convenient explanation to account for why a given individual has turned out a particular way that doesn't conform to predictions based solely on birth order. Thus, Leman's Procrustean explanations take on attributes of the very astrology he justifiably dismisses.

How reliable is this book then? To the critical reader, unfortunately, not very reliable at all. The many variables that are and are not recognized in Leman's book surely have the potential to interact in complex ways to determine personality attributes. Teasing out their relative contributions would require a highly sophisticated statistical analysis of a very large data set. What's more, the personality attributes need to be operationalized in quantifiable ways. For these and other reasons, the subdiscipline of personality psychology has yielded a large and complex literature. Little wonder that professional psychologists are skeptical of simplistic birth-order explanations for personality attributes.

Readers may enjoy this book, and find nuggets of information that seem to give insight into a particular circumstance. However, anecdotes are too easily chosen to fit one's pet hypotheses, and counter - examples can be all-too- readily dismissed or explained away. In short, this book offers no reliable empirical support for its facile generalizations and pat assertions. In view of the complexities, readers who are seriously interested in whether and how birth order affects personality will have to seek elsewhere. show less