Alfie Kohn

This is an annoying book. It is also dangerous. It is annoying because the author, Alfie Kohn, refutes nearly every commonly held belief about children and parenting and backs up his arguments with empirical evidence. He also uncovers how the evidence used to support the common wisdom is often bogus. He topples widely-held myths about coddled kids, narcissistic youths, helicopter parents, grit, self-discipline, and more. What makes the book dangerous is that Kohn’s evidence exposes and show more undermines the underlying ideology used to socially and politically justify how we raise and educate our children. He sheds light on how we have created a society that is in reality hostile to childhood. Be warned, reading this book may be hazardous to your assumptions about children and parenting. Of course, that is the reason it is important to read the book. show less

By Alfie Kohn

Alas the book challenges so many of our cherished beliefs that I am beginning to see the the loss of motivation in a new light. It is disconcerting to see how widely his critique applies.

"Skinner spent his life denying the idea of choice and urging us to control reinforcers in the environment since they, in turn, control us." (p. 30)

The most notable aspect of a positive judgment is not that it is positive but that it is a judgment. (Page 102)

The legendary statistical consultant show more W. Edwards Deming, with his characteristic gift for understatement, has called the system by which Americans are praised and rewarded "the most power to inhibitor to quality and productivity in the Western world." He adds that it "nourishes short-term performance, annihilates long-term planning, builds fear, demolishes teamwork, nourishes rivalry and ... leaves people bitter." To this we can add that it is simply unfair to the extent that employees are held responsible for what are, in reality, systemic factors that are beyond their control. (Page 129)

Part 3 isn't as depressing as Part 1 was. There are no quick fixes; in fact, that is what makes behaviorism (rewards) so attractive. Rewards can be given to get the desired behavior without understanding the problem. In part 3 we are treated to recommendations not a few. Kohn recommends that really understanding why there is a problem is necessary to come up with an appropriate approach. I am now thinking about how I will "behave" differently because of reading this book. show less

In Punished By Rewards (1993), one of Alfie Kohn's more popular books, he makes the case that we can do so much better than relying on the carrot/stick mentality to raise and educate our children. This idea of challenging long-held, potentially damaging beliefs about how children learn has informed Kohn's decades-long body of work.

With The Myth of the Spoiled Child, the target this time is the near-urban legend belief that today's kids are hopelessly coddled and overindulged. You hear the show more jokes about "Kids these days..." only most aren't joking. My initial impression was that Kohn might be overstating a problem that's been overblown by the media. Using an example from the other end of the spectrum, I've read all about Tiger Moms and accounts like these seem far more suited for stirring up indignation and generating book sales than actually advocating for a paradigm shift in parenting. I'll concede that, real problem or not, the damage could be enough to pose a threat and Alfie Kohn is leading the charge of dissent against what he refers to as the BGUTI (Better Get Used To It) argument. BGUTI is a lazy parting shot leveled at those facing life's hardships, and it almost always says more about the person giving the advice than the one receiving it.

Chapter by chapter, Kohn breaks down the accusations in order to discern what the actual problem is. (e.g. "Kids these days are too entitled!" "Well, what do you mean by entitled? Do you mean too much self-esteem because that's not necessarily a bad thing.") Similar to calling someone out on the baseless conspiracy theories that are often emailed around, Kohn usually discovers that people aren't reacting to real data. They're reacting to an impression that kids don't see the world as they do.

The last chapter, "Raising Rebels," is especially good because it makes the case for raising our children into adults capable of adapting to an ever-changing world. In order to do that, we need to instill values of willful independence, critical thinking, risk taking and to question everything. Otherwise, the result will compliance to a fault and deference to authority without first asking "Why?" show less

This is the first book I've read by Alfie Kohn, and his insightful critique of our culture's largely unquestioned assumptions about children and how they should be treated had my head spinning: at times, reading it, I felt as though he were proposing some entirely other reality—and wishing urgently for a cultural change. No, this isn't a parenting book, but rather a cogent analysis of mainstream attitudes towards childrearing and education, and, just as importantly, an exposure of the show more ideologies that underlie them, propagating common beliefs that often fly in the face of scientific findings. His call for a more humane understanding of children did have me questioning — well, but how would that actually work? So as soon as I finished this book, I immediately picked up Unconditional Parenting. I can't wait to get into it. show less