Adele Faber (1928–2024)

The theme of this book can be summed up thusly: Treat your children like human beings. Sounds simple in theory but if you have kids, you know it’s not as easy as it sounds. It can be hard to treat your children like regular human beings when they don’t always act like regular human beings. Or is it just mine that can be irrational monsters at times? I really liked all the practical examples and situations that the authors used throughout the book. My husband listened to this book as well show more and we’ve been putting a lot of the tips into practice with our three children. So far, it’s working really well.

I enjoyed listening this book in its audio format. The narrator, Susan Bennett, was dynamic and brought a lot of inflection to her reading – it was anything but dry, which non-fiction audio can easily be. I liked this book so much that after listening to it, I bought the paperback so that I will be able to go back and refer to specific parts again and again. That’s the one drawback of wonderful instructional books like this in audio – it’s hard to use an audio book for reference. Also, the paperback version has a lot of cartoons, which of course don’t translate into the audio format. However, I did like that my first reading was in the audio format as I often digest this type of book more easily if I listen to it. And my husband never would have read the printed version as he falls asleep after reading for about 10 minutes, no matter what kind of book it is! He was able to listen to this book on his daily commute, which worked out nicely.

I highly recommend this book to all parents interested in gentle, effective alternative methods to yelling and nagging (and spanking if anyone still does that.) That should be pretty much all of us, right? show less

This isn't the first re-read of this book for me, but of all the parenting books I've read over the years it's my favourite. The schmaltz is limited, and a lot of it is good common sense that's useful to be reminded of every now and again.

I was conscious that I've not been properly listening to my 8 year old recently, and that I can be quick to respond to things he says with a 'told-you-so' response, or to try and suggest for him how he fixes a problem. He's definitely reaching a new stage show more of independence, so this book has reminded me to allow him to be more autonomous, and to do his own problem solving.

So, this bit of calibration has already had two successes today. Firstly, I told my son I was going to try really hard to acknowledge his feelings more about things rather than immediately telling him what to do. His immediate response was "Mum - that's what I've been really wanting you to do". OK - point taken.

Secondly, I decided to use his desire for increased autonomy to both our benefits. He normally takes a year to pick his way through his dinner, but tonight I said - "I'm going to allow you to be independent and grown up about how you eat your dinner this evening". And what do you know, he did much better than usual (still at his speed rather than mine, but there was no battle).

4 stars - a useful tool for the most important job you ever get without a handbook. show less

This book was shelved with the homeschooling books at the library, and although it's not specifically geared towards homeschoolers, it has a lot of great suggestions that I think will be useful to the homeschooler crowd (as well as teachers and parents of children going to school-school).

I love Alfie Kohn's ideas about avoiding punishments and rewards, but his books (at least the ones I've read) are pretty heavy on theory and pretty light on practical application. Faber and Mazlish offer show more heaps of real-world examples that I've been able to try out immediately with my own kiddos. I would love to have a conflict resolution workshop at my kids' homeschool co-op based on the ideas in this book (but in case any of my fellow co-op parents are reading this, I want to attach an emphatic "Not it" to this suggestion).

The only thing this book lacks is a chapter on what to do when your nine-year-old has read the book ahead of you and is now correcting your technique when you try to implement the suggestions. (This shared reading also led to an interesting conversation with my daughter that began, "Mom, in one chapter they imply that saying 'your mother' is an insult, and I can't figure out why that would be an insult.") show less

Worth reading, then re-reading every few years. This is not just about how to talk to children, but how to communicate to and empathize effectively with anybody, especially stubborn people. Within the first few chapters, it became clear that, even though I swore since my teens never to end up like my mother (love you Mom), I was, by the book's standards, a nagger! It was an eye-opener that I was saying exactly the wrong things. Females with male friends or significant others: if your men are show more the type to react to a any conversation longer than a minute with stonewalling-- you will be able to relate. The book promised better communication by using fewer but well-chosen words, and I was game for anything that could reduce the stress I felt in many recent emotionally and verbally exhausting attempts to resolve conflict, that still ended up nowhere. I have to say I have been trying out the basic techniques, and am amazed at the positive reaction I am getting from grown adults. It is easy to slip into old habits, so again, I plan to re-read this whenever I feel the need for a refresher course.

My copy is the 30th Anniversary edition, with a new chapter by Adele Faber's daughter, Joanna, who shares her own experience with her mother's methods. I like that it is not something simply an echoing of what has already been said, but a substantial addition, with many ideas on how the method continues to work in the next generation.

The writing is clear and the format is very harried-parent (-spouse/-friend) friendly: a bulleted list summarizes the main points of each chapter, and cartoons and workbook pages with all the key words really help one internalize the ideas.

I look forward to revisiting this book again soon. show less