Adele Faber (1928–2024)

In a Nutshell: Might have worked better for me had I actually read it when I was supposed to read it. Some good methods and exercises herein. A tad outdated, though a revised version might be available now.

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I am not a person for nonfiction guides. But when my elder girl was a toddler, I was hit by this bug of purchasing some parenting books. I bought two books, read one five years after purchase, and was so bored by it that this second title stayed unread till show more now, a dozen years later. Don’t take this as an indicator of the quality of the books. It is more of a ME problem – this head isn’t built for self-help or advice guides.

This book covers various aspects of effective communication with children. To those with young kids, this book can offer some sensible advice on how to get your point across without either pampering or punishing. There is textual content as well as case studies, comic strips with examples, questions & answers, and practical exercises in every chapter. Quite a lot of important and relevant topics are covered, such as alternatives to punishment, dealing with feelings, rejections, and tantrums, stopping the tendency to lecture, correct, or multitask when kids are talking, true listening, and developing a mutually harmonious relationship.

I did enjoy the comics depicting the varying situational responses, but honestly, some of the suggested replies felt sarcastic to me. My favourite part was the section on descriptive praise – I implement it in real life and it was nice to see the technique corroborated as a suitable one.

If I had read this a decade ago, it would have served its purpose as a learning tool. But now, I was reading the book more in judgemental mode, checking if the techniques were usable and relevant. As an experienced parent, most of the content was already familiar to me. Parenting is anyway a job learnt with experience than with advice. Still, some parents might find the content useful, though you would do well to remember that no single method works for all. Common sense is your best guide in parenting (and in everything else.)

This book was first published in 1980. There have been many revised editions since. My paperback is the 30th anniversary edition published in 2013 – the era before the social media boom and before every teenager and child had a smartphone of their own. So much of the content is now dated. I must appreciate the addition of a special section at the end, written by the daughter of one of the original authors, detailing HER experience of parenting the next generation. This is more updated and inclusive, and covers some tough topics. I hope a newer version that tackles phone addiction has also been released.

I felt a bit cheated as well as relieved that the main content lasted only till page 239 in a book of 350 pages. The rest is letters by parents, detailing how they used the prescribed techniques in their own parenting.

Recommended to those who enjoy learning behavioural techniques from books. A good time to begin reading this would be when your child is just a baby, so that by the time the terrible twos come, you are prepared, or at least as prepared as you can realistically be.

As I said, I am not fond of such nonfiction works. After 50 pages or so, my attention started to dwindle. So honest confession: I speed-read the rest, paying 100% attention only to the comic strips. But I'm still counting this book in my annual goal, dammit! I'm way behind schedule and this will make amends for all the picture books I haven't counted for my reading challenge. show less

This isn't the first re-read of this book for me, but of all the parenting books I've read over the years it's my favourite. The schmaltz is limited, and a lot of it is good common sense that's useful to be reminded of every now and again.

I was conscious that I've not been properly listening to my 8 year old recently, and that I can be quick to respond to things he says with a 'told-you-so' response, or to try and suggest for him how he fixes a problem. He's definitely reaching a new stage show more of independence, so this book has reminded me to allow him to be more autonomous, and to do his own problem solving.

So, this bit of calibration has already had two successes today. Firstly, I told my son I was going to try really hard to acknowledge his feelings more about things rather than immediately telling him what to do. His immediate response was "Mum - that's what I've been really wanting you to do". OK - point taken.

Secondly, I decided to use his desire for increased autonomy to both our benefits. He normally takes a year to pick his way through his dinner, but tonight I said - "I'm going to allow you to be independent and grown up about how you eat your dinner this evening". And what do you know, he did much better than usual (still at his speed rather than mine, but there was no battle).

4 stars - a useful tool for the most important job you ever get without a handbook. show less

This book was shelved with the homeschooling books at the library, and although it's not specifically geared towards homeschoolers, it has a lot of great suggestions that I think will be useful to the homeschooler crowd (as well as teachers and parents of children going to school-school).

I love Alfie Kohn's ideas about avoiding punishments and rewards, but his books (at least the ones I've read) are pretty heavy on theory and pretty light on practical application. Faber and Mazlish offer show more heaps of real-world examples that I've been able to try out immediately with my own kiddos. I would love to have a conflict resolution workshop at my kids' homeschool co-op based on the ideas in this book (but in case any of my fellow co-op parents are reading this, I want to attach an emphatic "Not it" to this suggestion).

The only thing this book lacks is a chapter on what to do when your nine-year-old has read the book ahead of you and is now correcting your technique when you try to implement the suggestions. (This shared reading also led to an interesting conversation with my daughter that began, "Mom, in one chapter they imply that saying 'your mother' is an insult, and I can't figure out why that would be an insult.") show less

Worth reading, then re-reading every few years. This is not just about how to talk to children, but how to communicate to and empathize effectively with anybody, especially stubborn people. Within the first few chapters, it became clear that, even though I swore since my teens never to end up like my mother (love you Mom), I was, by the book's standards, a nagger! It was an eye-opener that I was saying exactly the wrong things. Females with male friends or significant others: if your men are show more the type to react to a any conversation longer than a minute with stonewalling-- you will be able to relate. The book promised better communication by using fewer but well-chosen words, and I was game for anything that could reduce the stress I felt in many recent emotionally and verbally exhausting attempts to resolve conflict, that still ended up nowhere. I have to say I have been trying out the basic techniques, and am amazed at the positive reaction I am getting from grown adults. It is easy to slip into old habits, so again, I plan to re-read this whenever I feel the need for a refresher course.

My copy is the 30th Anniversary edition, with a new chapter by Adele Faber's daughter, Joanna, who shares her own experience with her mother's methods. I like that it is not something simply an echoing of what has already been said, but a substantial addition, with many ideas on how the method continues to work in the next generation.

The writing is clear and the format is very harried-parent (-spouse/-friend) friendly: a bulleted list summarizes the main points of each chapter, and cartoons and workbook pages with all the key words really help one internalize the ideas.

I look forward to revisiting this book again soon. show less