Becky A. Bailey

I finished a few days ago what will be a life changing book in this house. The book called - Easy to Love, Difficult to Discipline by Becky A. Bailey (also from the list of books I got from Soulemama.com) has to be one of the first parenting books dealing with disciplining that has spoken to me in such deep and profound ways.

Now, I also have to tell you, prior to this book I pretty much wrote off all parenting books (and yes, I did just write about a parenting book that I also thought was a show more good read - but that felt different because it wasn't a book about the day to day grind and trying to discipline your kids, ya know?). Anyway, I have read a few parenting books in my day, I have tried them out (after hearing other rave about them) and they have not worked for me, in my house, with my kids. And I had given up on all of them. Life, clearly was not that easy and I needed to forge my own path with my kids and do what felt right for us.

With my girls, that was easy. Probably too easy - and that should have been my clue. Don't have any more kids. Cause you can't get three easy kids, I had already used up the easy genes LOL! And so I walked around thinking I was a great parent. And then came my son. I often joke that I thought I was too good of a parent and God sent him to me to humble me.

And humble me he did. He threw tantrums I had only heard about before. He whined more than I thought one child was capable of doing. Once he had his mind on doing something, there was nothing you could do. Redirect? Ha! That was a joke. He gave up napping at 9 months old. He was my hardest to get to go to sleep without crying and whining. He has broken every. single. rule. Multiple times. He hits. He throws. He kicks. He takes. He grabs. He fights. He is a difficult child to say the least

Now, allow me for one moment to also tell you - he laughs more than other child I have known. He cuddles with me. He kisses. He hugs. He loves. He giggles. He reads with me. He idolizes his sisters. He worships his dad. And he loves me to pieces. I tell you this, because I feel it's only fair to show you both sides of him and not just the struggles we have had, because as much as he sometimes makes me want to run away screaming to not have to deal with another tantrum, he is at heart a kind and loving child. I just wish that side of him was the only one I have to deal with!

Anyway, back to the book. I started it. I admit at the beginning I laughed. I thought no way. This is too complicated. No one can do all of this! And this lady has really great ideas but they seem so impractical! But I kept reading (perhaps out of desperation) and it started to speak to me some more and then a little more. And a couple of days ago I needed to get my son to do something - and I knew it would turn into a power struggle, so I decided to give the ideas a whirl. And it worked. Just like that. It worked. My chin hit the floor and I was speechless. And we tried it again. And it worked. And then something else happened that made me try something else in the book. And it worked. And so we've been trying these ideas out with a lot of success.

This does mean he doesn't melt down. Or that I have stopped yelling. Because people, he's three. And so he's going to melt down. And I'm high strung and too easily upset. So when he doesn't listen I still yell. We are not perfect in this house, but you know what, it is helping. There is a bit more peace here. And I'm so grateful for that. Because most of my parenting energy went right to him and I always fear that someday my girls will say I spent all my time on him and they didn't get enough. This is getting better by the day though.

I've now devoured the entire book and it all clicked in my head. I get it all. I want to go back and reread it all. It's got a lot to it. And she says read it slowly to practice - I don't have that luxury - it's a library book. I do believe we will buy it though - it speaks that much to me. But it really does make sense and can I just say the author includes times where she hasn't done it so well and mistakes she has made, which I love. I hate reading books from people who say things like "this always works. And once you do this you'll always have great, grand times." And that irks me so much I can't read the book. Not so with this book. She mentions a couple times, kids are kids, and they will misbehave - even the most perfect child will misbehave. That's what kids do. And parents will make mistakes. Even the most perfect ones will. And I'm telling you, that right there is so helpful to read from an expert. And I really got the message that I needed to accept what was happening as it was and not wistfully wish for something else (mostly perfection and happy, well-behaved, polite, intelligent children at all times traipsing around life with a happy, calm, peaceful mother!).

Anyway, I'm now at the point where I wish I had read this book much sooner in life (although husband and I did discuss that even if I had read a year or two or more ago it might not have spoke to me then. Something interesting to ponder I think) and I believe in it. And I've been using some things with the girls too.

I know this is already long, but to give you an idea of the book and what she discusses, she constantly comes back to parents can't teach what they don't know. If you want your kids to be disciplined, you have to be disciplined, etc. etc. She talks about how time-outs and reasoning are used often as disciplining children but parents forget to teach the correct behavior. Her example of this is great and to sum it she says imagine you fill out a form at work. The boss calls you in his office and says, you have filled this form our wrong. Go to the lounge and think about your actions for 10 minutes and then you can come out again when you are done. So you go and think about it and come out. The next day you have to fill the form out again, you still don't know how to do it, so you get in trouble again. It really got me to think about the teaching part of discipline ... no, you have to say you filled it out wrong. Come here so I can show the correct way to fill this out. And even after being shown it once, you might need to be reminded of a few things a few more times. She also talks about choices. Because we parents are so good at giving choices. She also talks about real choices and fake choices. Apparently I've been using fake choices, as in "You may clean your toys or go sit in your room." See, that's a fake choice because one is clearly bad, so it's not really a choice. Who knew, this whole time I was giving fake choices. No, use real choices You may pick up your legos first or your books first. The child can't choose not to pick up, but does get a choice and a say in what he is doing. Brilliant (this is the one I've used the most so far because it's the easiest to incorporate in my opinion). She also talks about being vague - giving a command like be nice. That's vague. A toddler doens't know what that means, so be concrete.

Okay, if you've read this far - bless you. If you are struggling with getting kids to listen, to tame whining, to make your house more peaceful, I so completely recommend this book. But, I also recommend you get it from the library or borrow it from someone. Because as much as this book spoke to me, it might not speak to you (cause I've been there too!). But, I hope and pray if you are struggling with these issues, that this book does speak to you, because then reading it and beginning to use it will help your day run more smoothly I believe! show less

The individual lessons from Dr. Bailey's Conscious Discipline aren't new ideas, far from it, but she brings everything together in a way that feels groundbreaking. And she does it with an empathetic understanding of all the other challenges teachers face every day.

If I were to summarize, Conscious Discipline is a method of helping children navigate the difficult social scenarios they frequently encounter. Typically, but not always, these children are under other stresses due to their show more environment or just everyday growing up stuff. The concept applies to all kids but it's especially necessary for those whose environments are less stable. As for the method itself, imagine dialing down the immediate right/wrong consequences of an action and instead creating a safe environment for the children to workshop their mistakes. It's like the teacher is given the ability to pause an incident, rewind, and run it again at 50% speed like a tape in order to discuss how and where things went wrong. This is easier said than done of course. It expects extraordinary patience on the part of the educator and clear execution during the most difficult moments.

The only downside for the book itself is its lack of brevity. But that's more of a problem of educational books in general and how they're marketed. Methodologies like Conscious Discipline are designed for conferences and seminars. They tend to be structured as workbooks, contain lots of repetition and are generally wordier. They're also starting points for longer term consultations. show less

A great approach to better parenting, this book highlights areas to build trust and guide yourself and your child to better decision-making and better behavior.

A great book with lots of great, practical advice. It was sometimes hard to get through, but well worth it in the end. I see this as a book that I'll be coming back to again as we progress through the stages of childhood.