Kristin Neff

Self-Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself is written by Kristin Neff, a prominent researcher in the area of self-compassion. It includes research findings, a variety of exercises with room to complete them in the book, and stories from the author’s personal experience. The author draws on Buddhist teachings, and she writes that:

Suffering stems from a single source – comparing our reality to our ideals.

The book describes how self-criticism develops, and offers examples show more of how it can be essentially a self-fulfilling prophecy by putting ourselves down in front of others to beat them to the punch, or by undermining our relationships out of the belief that others judge us the way our self-critic does.

The author presents self-compassion as an alternative to self-criticism. She clarifies that this isn’t trying to feel good about yourself; rather, it’s about self-kindness, acknowledgement of our common humanity, and mindful awareness. It’s also not about self-pity, as self-compassion involves the recognition that feelings of inadequacy and disappointment are universally shared.

I was surprised by Neff’s argument that pursuing higher self-esteem isn’t necessarily useful. She pointed out various issues, including promotion of narcissism and the fragility of having self-esteem contingent on things outside of our control. Self-compassion involves recognizing that we all have strengths and weaknesses, and we don’t need to define our worth.

The book addresses the question of whether self-criticism might be necessary to perform effectively, and I thought that really strengthened the argument for self-compassion. Neff points out that people actually do their best when they feel confident, and self-criticism undermines that. Also, self-critics tend to “self-handicap,” finding ways of doing things that will later give them an excuse for poor performance. While that doesn’t surprise me, I hadn’t heard of self-handicapping before.

One section of the book focuses on how self-compassion can improve interactions with others. This includes a chapter on improving things in the bedroom by letting go of sexual shame.

I quite liked the author’s approach to self-compassion. It doesn’t rely on being positive or having strong self-esteem, which makes it broadly accessible. Kind of like in Brené Brown’s books, Self-Compassion incorporates research findings, but not in a textbookish way. There are plenty of real life examples to illustrate the concepts covered.

I think this would be a great read for anyone who struggles with self-criticism. And really, we could probably all benefit from a little more kindness toward ourselves. show less

Self-Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself by Kristin Neff, Ph.D. pushed my buttons... mostly in the best way. Neff offers her research, her own experiences, and her observations mixed with information from myriad disciplines ranging from spiritual to neuroscience. I had read quite a bit of what Neff offers in other places, but she pulls it together in a way that makes it easy to understand and that makes self-compassion feel accessible and attainable. Her arguments for show more shifting from self-esteem to self-compassion and self-appreciation were better than I expected. She includes exercises along the way to help the reader access self-compassion. Self-Compassion feels like an introductory course and left me curious about what the research has shown since its publication. Neff supports and explains her premise of the life-changing benefits of self-compassion so well that I began to re-examine my own self-compassion journey with a bit more compassion... show less

Definitivamente o melhor livro que li este ano, potencialmente um dos melhores da minha vida.
Este livro funcionou para mim como uma auto reflexão em diversas áreas do meu ser, contendo vários exercícios de meditação formal e informal, além de provocações de evolução importantes - muitas vezes auto avaliadas e levadas para terapia. Alguns gatilhos levantados, consequentemente, mas que me ajudaram a entender melhor e praticar a autocompaixão. Tenho nem palavras para a eterna show more gratidão de ter lido este livro neste momento, e ter como referência para meu futuro. show less

This book frames anger as a form of self-compassion. It discusses how women's anger is suppressed: society teaches us that women are not supposed to express anger, and most women have trouble dealing with their anger when it arises. Neff talks about how anger can motivate us to make our lives better, and provides some ways to incorporate anger and fierceness into self-compassion.

I found this way of thinking about anger to be very useful. My big disappointment with the book is that it only show more focuses on anger about current situations. I read it when I was coping with some anger about things that happened to me a very long time ago, and the book didn't really give me much guidance about what to do with that old anger. Still, it is a very interesting book and will help me manage anger in the future. show less