Ted Zeff

On the one hand, I think this book is helpful, and addresses some of my needs as an HSP. I'm tempted to recommend it to other HSPs (read: empaths and sensitives) that I know.



On the other hand, I get the impression that I wouldn't like this man very much. I don't think that I'd want to spend much time sitting and talking to him, and I'm having trouble reading parts of this book without wanting to just give up and chuck it across the room.



(I'm only on page 31)



I've been trying to figure out show more why it's bothering me so much, and if it's an unfair resistance to something that I'm going to have to eventually accept that I need to change, or if it's a valid complaint, and I'm starting to lean towards the later. A current example I'm facing is the following segments regarding evening routines and one's choice of entertainment and activities:



"Your evening activities should consist of calming endeavors such as reading uplifting books, writing, taking a bath or engaging in light discussions." (Zeff, 30)



"Paradoxically, when HSPs are in an out of balance state, they sometimes desire to be involved in activities that push them further off-center. Sometimes, when you internalize the Type A lifestyle, you may actually enjoy watching overstimulating television shows or getting into intense discussions late at night, regardless of what they do to your sleep schedule. However, as you begin meditating and living a more contemplative life, you will instinctively begin to desire more peaceful activities." (Zeff, 31)



The tone of the book's advice often takes an "all or nothing" approach to the problem of being an HSP. What's good for the proverbial goose (in this case, the author himself) is "obviously" good for the gander, and vice versa (bad for one = bad for the other). The specifications such as reading material needing to be "uplifting" or that television shows are by their very nature (for the most part, implied) "overstimulating" rankles me. I feel like he's petting my fur in the wrong direction. I've done experiments with a volt meter and various stimuli to see how I react to it - "agressive" music actually grounds and centers me. By the same token, I'm not just imagining that watching shows I like (most of which I'm sure the author would call 'overstimulating') relaxes me and allows my brain to let go of the stresses and tensors of the day. Certainly there are some shows that stimulate me in ways that aren't conducive to sleep (forget falling asleep immediately after an intense episode of BSG, for instance) but that is directly related to how emotionally involved *I* am with the characters, not with the content on it's surface. Crime shows and mysteries (both of which are singled out by the author numerous times) facilitate my relaxation, because I can follow the patterns and the logic and not get too wrapped up in what's going on.



Too much emphasis is put on *telling* the reader what "will" cause over-stimulation and what "will" stop it, and not enough emphasis is placed on teaching the reader how to identify the warning signs of over-stimulation and how to cope with and correct it. In other words, he tells us that something like loud, agressive music *will* be too stimulating for an HSP and that it is better to avoid that stimulus most of the time, rather than saying "if you are at a concert, and you start to react in certain ways, you may wish to counter that by doing x, y, or z." The overall message that I've come away with so far is that one should insulate one's self from stimulus as much as possible. While this may be a tactic that could work for some people, many of us aren't just tricking ourselves into "thinking" that we like stimulating things - we genuinely do like them. They genuinely bring us pleasure and happiness. A "contemplative" and "quiet" life isn't going to be right for everyone that happens to also be an HSP. It isn't going to make all of us happy. Some of us, it's going to bore to tears. show less

This book was disappointing. I really wanted to appreciate it, but the best I can do is appreciate that it exists and is decently written. Elaine Aron's The Highly Sensitive Child is much better, more thorough and more specific. In particular, the inclusion here of bioessentialism with regard to brain development (mostly debunked) and hormones was off-putting to say the least. If you have any familiarity with the way that the expectations of American masculinity pressure boys to repress show more their feelings and act aggressively, you will be able to understand the implications of Elaine Aron's book for your boy. All of the supportive approaches she recommends are necessary, with additional attention to having positive sensitive male role models for boys and explicitly praising and appreciating their gentleness as a strength (as these are areas where culture is harder on boys than girls). Otherwise, advice about school choices, physical environment, advocating with other adults, and assisting with peer relationships all apply. show less

I am the lucky mother of (as well as a beautiful daughter) an 8 year old boy who is very loving, bright, well mannered, and.... super sensitive. Although he does very well academically at school, he sometimes struggles to fit in a little bit in a class where most of the boys tend to be very rough and tumble.

I'm not sure what I hoped to get out of this book - perhaps some tips on how to help him cope with the school "banter" a bit more, and to get some insight on what potentially goes on show more inside his head, as he takes the slightest telling off massively to heart and worries about just about everything.

Zeff has written this book on the basis of conversations with 30 "sensitive men", and to be honest the whole book felt very weak. He tried to make scientific statements with no scientific data to back them up - he'd just wheel out one of his 30 chaps as an example when it suited him, and it was by no stretch of the imagination a proper psychological study on a specific personality type.

By the end of the book Zeff wanted us parents of sensitive boys to be talking to our child's teacher about our 'sensitive boy's special understanding' needed in the classroom environment. By this stage I was just cross - that would be the last thing my child would want me to do, and it would send a hugely negative message to him about what is, after all, a lovely personality type to have.

1.5 stars - I'm binning this rubbish and just thanking my lucky stars I've been blessed with such a caring and lovely child. show less

This book is divided into 52 weekly exercises under multiple categories. Unfortunately, a week or so after I read it I can't even remember what the categories are because that's how much of an impact they had on me. Around 80% of the exercises are meditation exercises. Having already learnt similar elsewhere, they were of no interest to me. The others are mainly incredibly obvious and simple or impractical (Do you find a certain environment too noisy? Leave and go to a quieter place!)
The show more problem with a lot of these self help books is that to have the resources to be able to write one, the author is usually extraordinarily privileged, yet not terribly aware of how that might make their lives differ from the lives of others. For instance, I have a baby, and can't make my entire life about me meditating during experiences I find unpleasant. We can't all go to bed at 8pm and still have time to eat fresh, organic food and exercise daily (only during the day, not at night because Zeff can't sleep at night when he does that), as well as read a pleasant, uplifting book and stare at our pleasant, uplifting pictures, not to mention meditate multiple times. show less