Bad Joke of the Day V

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.

After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done it.

The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous. On the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."

So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice.

At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink.

He proceeded to talk up a storm.

Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:

1. Sip the vodka, don't gulp.

2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.

3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.

4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.

6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.

7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook.

8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the sh*t out of him.

9. When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.

10. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."

11. When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, "Take this and eat it. For it is my body." He did not say "Eat me."

12. The Virgin Mary is not called, "Mary with the Cherry."

13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God.

14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

After 1 martini, none of the above seems very far-fetched. :P

Walking down the street the other day and a man walked up to me and said he hadn't had a bite in three days....so I bit him!

#1 LOL I really did

A man from North Carolina goes into a bar in New England. He asks the bartender, "Did you go to Harvard?" The bartender says, "Yale." The North Carolinan says, "DID YOU GO TO HARVARD?"

And one more:
A drunk goes into a bar. The bartender tosses him out as he is too drunk. The drunk walks back into the bar. Again, the bartender throws him out for being too drunk. Again the drunk walks into the bar. The bartender is just about the throw him out when the drunk looks at him and says, "How many bars do you own, anyway?"

There once was a farmer who lived by a crick,
and early each morning he played with his-----
banjo in the moonlight with the lady next door.
You could tell just by looking that she was a-----
fine country lady with a fine country lass
and when she rolled over you could see her fat----
legs in the moonlight she walked like a duck.
She promised the farmer a new way to----
raise a fine family the girls would all knit
and the boys would be outside shoveling----
corn cobs and cabbages and they did it quite well
and if you don't like my story you can just got to ---
bed

author unknown

>6 olive_spread: A local car dealership used to have ads on the radio similar to this where someone was typing out the copy. I thought they were pretty funny.

One of my English as a second language students (she's 16) wrote this:

"I'm female.

FE = iron
male = man

So, I am Ironman."

One of my customers - a lovely guy but lives alone with 4 dogs - asked, "what is the difference between a girlfriend and a dog?"

A. The later you get home at night - the happier the dog is to see you!

When you put them both in the boot of the car and drive around for an hour, open the boot and guess which one is more pleased to see you.

But why would you open the boot? I wouldn't. I'd run away, sell the car and change my name!

Q: What is the difference between a dog and a fox?

A: About five drinks.

Terrible ;-)

Beauty IS in the eye of the beer holder!

(deleted by skittles)

My 6-year-old made me laugh with this one...

Him: "Daddy, will you remember me in a minute?"

Me (puzzled): "Yes, you are quite unforgettable."

Short pause.

Him: "Knock, knock."

Me: "Who's there?"

Him: "You've forgotten me already!"

<#16 Thank you!!!

>16 MyopicBookworm: That's too funny!

My daughter just posted on FB how she's ready for the baby to come (2 weeks to go); her words: "There's no more room. It's time for her to vacate". So I wrote that the baby has a "womb with a view". She told me the joke was lame, but it made her laugh anyway.

#6 OK, that calls for sharing this song. ;-P

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5rpq6u8hYgk

Unfortunately, my 4 year old doesn't quite get it, yet, but one of the jokes I untangled from his ... um ... repertoire is:

Why did the skeleton go to the dance alone?

Because he had no body to go with.

(His version is something like "Why did the skeleton go with nobody to the disco?" - and then he has to make up an answer, which is usually something like "Because he went with an apple")

They must have been playing iTunes.

#21 Yes, my four-year-old is at that kind of stage too: he has picked up the rhythm of jokes, but not the semantic content.

e.g.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Penguin.
Penguin who?
Penguin on your head, ha ha ha ha!

Did you guys see the biggest bomb of the day? George Zimmerman's lawyer tried a knock-knock joke in his opening remarks. He spent a few minutes making sure if someone didn't like the joke they wouldn't hold it against his client.

Knock. Knock.
Who's there?
George Zimmerman.
George Zimmerman who?
Good. You're on the jury.

Picture the lead balloon going over.

From an e-mail I received (from my uncle) today :

An old Doberman starts chasing rabbits and before long, discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a panther heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.

The old Doberman thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep shit now!"
Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the panther is about to leap, the old Doberman exclaims loudly,


"Boy, that was one delicious panther! I wonder, if there are any more around here?"

Hearing this, the young panther halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees.


"Whew!," says the panther, "That was close! That old Doberman nearly had me!"

Meanwhile, a squirrel who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the panther. So, off he goes.

The squirrel soon catches up with the panther, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the panther.

The young panther is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, squirrel, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!"

Now, the old Doberman sees the panther coming with the squirrel on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?," but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old Doberman says ......


"Where's that squirrel? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another panther!"

Moral of this story...


Don't mess with the old dogs... Age and skill will always overcome youth and treachery!

Brilliant! I have now reached the age and position in work that I will be able to use this with great effect.

:-)

By the way, humouress, that was a good joke and could be considered inappropriate for this thread. ;)

Oops, sorry; I did wonder, just as I hit the 'submit' button.

(ETA - I'll take comfort in the fact that I didn't come up with it, just passed it along.)

:0)

I am glad you passed it along.

But we don't have a Good Joke thread, so, better here than never! Wish I could think quickly like the Doberman.

I made a mistake when I saw the title of the LT thread below. From the sound of the title I suspected it was a discussion about soon to be, or recently released dirty books.

Nook e-reader news

;)

*snort*

Boy: Wanna hear a joke?
Girl: Of course!
Boy: Knock, knock!
Girl: Who's there?
Boy: Mary.
Girl: Mary - who?
Boy: Mary - me!

I have a friend who has kept St. Bernard dogs "since always". Many years ago he worked at the museum in Windhoek. And one Sunday took the dogs down to the coast for the day (it's only 3--400 miles each way, nothing at all to a Namibian), and they went for a run just outside the entrance to the Skeleton Coast National Park at Torra Bay. A few days later, he reports, the game warden from Torra Bay arrived at the museum in breathless excitement, bearing a plaster cast of tracks that he swore were proof positive that there were lions in that part of the Namib.
"Where did you find these?"
"Just outside the Park gate"
"When?"
"Monday morning."
"Not lion. St. Bernard dog."

Cut to this morning's paper.
' "We have been in the area (Heatonville near Empangeni, KZN) and can confirm that the spoor seen in the area resemble those of a lion" said Ezemvelo spokesman Musa Mthambo.'

Or maybe St. Bernard dog?

hfglen - :) People believe what they want to believe.

In a similar vein, I saw some huge tracks yesterday when out walking my dog in the forest, and my first thought was "wolf", until I remembered seeing a friend out the day before with her huge Landseer Newfoundlander dog.

Reminds me of an Alaska joke.

Tourists are told to wear bear bells, little bells they put on their belts or packs that ring when they walk.

"If you see bear scat, make sure you have your bear bells on."
"How can we tell if it is bear scat?"
"It has little bells in it."

er... sounds like you're better off not wearing bear bells :0(

Ready for a really bad one?

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95-year-old grandmother and comfort her.

When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."

Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that two people nearly 100 years old having sex was surely asking for trouble.

"Oh, no, my dear," replied Granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."

She paused to wipe away a tear, and said, "He'd still be alive if that frickin' ice cream truck hadn't come along."

#37 bwahahahahahahahahahaha

Hope you don't mind too much, but I'm stealing that one!

Man who sticks penis in peanut butter is fucking nuts

Riaan Cruywagen recounts in the book I mentioned on the 'generic current reads' thread, this one, apparently first told by Fanus Rautenbach (of blessed memory) in the early 1960s:

A well-endowed blonde is driving with her friend one cold winters morning. While the girls were waiting at a red light, the blonde said to her friend "The guys in the car next to us are probably Russian".
"Why do you say that?" asked the friend.
"Because they wrote in the frost on the window 'stit ruoy su whohs'"

#40 groan :P

# 40 I don't want to be mean...just thought this funny to add...

Q: Why do men like blonde jokes?
A: Because they can understand them.

Q: Why are blondes so easy to get into bed?
A: Who cares?

#42 ;-P~~~

One that @MrsLee might sympathise with:

A tour guide at one or another game reserve was having endless trouble with a group of Central Europeans who would not stick to the rules. One rule drilled into the locals almost from birth is "Don't get out of the car ...", so this group must needs pose for pictures next to a pride of lions. Inevitably, one of them got eaten. And the guide sent a message to the widow: a picture of the lions, with the caption: "Your Czech is in the male."

#43 - Bwaaaaahahahaahahaahaa!

I hope this one isn't too lewd for this thread:

An American businessman is in Japan, and picks up a woman at a bar. As they are having sex, the woman suddenly yells "Yamoto! Yamoto!" The man smiles, thinking it must mean something like "Amazing!"

The next day, he is playing golf with two Japanese businessmen, and he gets a lucky shot, right into the hole. So he figures it would be a good time to use the new Japanese word he learned, and he shouts "Yamoto!"

The one Japanese businessman turns to the other and asks, "What does he mean, 'wrong hole' ?"

What particles are in artificial light?

Fauxtons!

After every flight, pilots fill out a form called a gripe sheet, which
conveys to the mechanics problems encountered with the aircraft during
the flight that need repair or correction. The mechanics read and correct
the problem, and then respond in writing on the lower half of the form
what remedial action was taken, and the pilot reviews the gripe sheets
before the next flight.
Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of
humor!
Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints and problems as
submitted by Qantas pilots and the solution recorded by maintenance
engineers.
(P = the problem logged by the pilot.)
(S = the solution and action taken by the engineers.)

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for.

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

Read more: http://www.ajokeaday.com/Clasificacion.asp?ID=2#ixzz2XwW0eCsO

I think the new color scheme for LibraryThing is the Bad Joke of the Day.

I am with you...not thrilled with the change

me three

I have seen worse colour schemes. You should see the bubblegum pink that has been used for the walls on one of the stairwells in my work place. That would give you something to complain about.

The good thing about being a kleptomaniac is that you can always take something for it.

Just to chime in so you naysayers don't have it all your way, I LOVE the change, not just the colors, but the whole home page flexibility as well. It is finally useful.

Sadly, I don't have any jokes, bad or otherwise to put this thread back in line. My brain hurts today.

#53
Sorry to hear your head hurts, MrsLee.

I don't have any jokes today either, but I do want to put my weight (no smart-alec remarks, please) on the side of liking the changes to the home page. Very smooth implementation and I agree, it is more flexible and much slicker than before.

How do you make a tissue dance?
You put a little boogie in it!

What did the Leper tell the prostitute?
Keep the Tip!

I'm in the right place, aren't I? The place where bad jokes reside?

You most certainly are olive_spread, and you fit right in! ;)

Hi, olive_spread.

There's nothing like a good joke and your joke was nothing like a good joke.

Well done and welcome.

;-)

Knock knock
Who's there?
I eat mop
I eat mop who?

I dedicate this one for my Auntie S,

Are you a parking ticket? Because you have fine written all over you

hahahahahahha (she would laugh)

Wikileaks for kids: There's no Santa

#61: WHAT???!!!?????

lol

A guy calls the hospital and says, “You gotta send help! My wife’s going into labor!” The nurse says, “Calm down. Is this her first child?” To which he replies, “No! This is her f***ing husband!”

hehehehehe

A man calls 111 (or 911 or 999 or whatever you use) and starts screaming down the phone at the operator.

"Help me! Help me! My best friends been shot and he's dead! What do I do?"

Operator: "Calm down Sir, it's all right. We'll get through this. But first are you sure he's dead?

Man: "There's blood everywhere!"

Operator: "I understand that Sir, but it's very important that we make sure that he's dead."

There's silence on the line for a bit, and then a shot rings out.

Man: "OK he's dead. Now what do I do?"

HA HA hahahahahah

An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer. You are in the wrong place."

So, the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After a while, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.

One day, God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?"

Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."

God replies, "What? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake. He should never have gotten down there; send him up here."

Satan says, "No way." I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."

God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue."

Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where are you going to get a lawyer?"

Two Men were out fishing when one decides to have a smoke

He asks the other guy if he has a lighter He replies " Yes i do " and hands the other a 10 inch long Bic lighter

Surprised the guy asks "Where did you get this?" The guy replies " Oh I have a personal genie"

The first man asks "Can i make a wish? "

Sure says the other man "Just make sure that you speak clearly cause he is a little hard at hearing"

"Ok I will" says the other as he rubs the lamp a genie appears and asks the man what he wants The man says " I want a Million Bucks "

The genie says OK and goes back to his bottle and 10 seconds later a million ducks fly over head

And the guy says to the other " Your genie realy sucks at hearing doesn't He?"

The other man replies "I know, do you really think I asked for a 10 inch BIC"

Swiped from a friend on Facebook....

The local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady because she had just gotten married for the fourth time. The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband's occupation. "He's a funeral director," she answered.

"Interesting," the newsman thought.

He then asked her if she wouldn't mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living. She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years. After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she had first married a banker when she was in her 20's, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40's, and a preacher when in her 60's, and now - in her 80's - a funeral director.

The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had married four men with such diverse careers.

(Wait for it)

She smiled and explained,

"I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go."

Another one that I stole from FB

A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife
stayed home. He wanted her to see what he went through so he prayed, "Dear Lord, I go to work every day and put in 8 hours while my wife merely stays at home. I want her to know what I go through, so please create a trade in our bodies." God, in his infinite wisdom, granted the man's wish.

The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman. He arose, cooked breakfast for his mate, awakened the kids, set out their school clothes, fed them breakfast, packed their lunches, drove them to school, came home and picked up the dry cleaning, took it to the cleaners and stopped at the bank to draw out money to pay the power bill and telephone bill, drove to the power company and the phone company and paid the bills, went grocery shopping, came home and put away the groceries. He cleaned the cat's litter box and bathed the dog. Then it was already 1 p.m. and he hurried to make the beds, do the laundry, vacuum, dust, and sweep and mop the kitchen floor. Ran to the school to pick up the kids and got into an argument with them on the way home. Set out cookies and milk and got the kids organized to do their homework, then set up the ironing board and watched TV while he did the ironing.

At 4:30 he began peeling potatoes and washing greens for salad,
breaded the pork chops and snapped fresh beans for supper. After
supper he cleaned the kitchen, ran the dishwasher, folded laundry,
bathed the kids, and put them to bed. At 9 p.m. he was exhausted and, though his daily chores weren't finished, he went to bed where he was expected to make love -- which he managed to get through without complaint.

The next morning he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed and said, "Lord, I don't know what I was thinking. I was so wrong to envy my wife's being able to stay home all day. Please, oh please, let us trade back."

The Lord, in his infinite wisdom, replied, "My son, I feel you have
learned your lesson and I will be happy to change things back to the way they were. You'll have to wait 9 months, though. You got pregnant last night!"

#71 Haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa ...very funny and priceless ;) :) ;) :) !!!

From a slip of paper found while clearing my office:

Kid's insights:
The four seasons are salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

And in the tradition of this thread:
What do you call Santa's helpers?
Subordinate Clauses

hahaha

I could make some more captions for this one...

"Did you say the Red Sox set up this trip?"

Q: Why did the cowboy go shopping for a dachshund?
A: Because he wanted to get a long little doggie.

:)

A man was sitting on a lonely beach. Tragically, through a childhood accident, he had lost both both of his arms and both of his legs. During the long afternoon, as he remained on the beach, three women separately walked past him. Each felt very sorry for the poor man.

The first woman said: "Have you ever had a hug?"

The man looked up and saw the woman was quite pretty. Sensing an opportunity he said, "No." So she gave him a hug and walked on.

The second woman said: "Have you ever had a kiss?"

The man looked up and saw this woman was even prettier. "No," he said with anticipation, so she gave him a kiss and walked on.

The third woman came to him and said: "Have you ever been screwed?"

The man looked up and saw this one was drop-dead gorgeous. With anticipation welling up, and swallowing hard so he could talk, the fellow croaked out, "No."

"Well, you will be in a few minutes," she said, walking by. "The tide's coming in."

Swiped from http://www.jumbojoke.com/on_the_beach.html

The wife was nagging me for ages to put a shelf up in the front room, but as I am shit at DIY I thought that I should get some advice. So I went to the library and asked the woman there, " do you have any books on shelves?".
She just laughed at me.

-------------------------

A man goes to his doctor and says, "Doc, I have a problem. My girlfriend is visiting me this friday, my ex-wife is due to arrive on saturday and my wife is due back after visiting her mother on sunday. I need 3 Viagra pills to satisfy them all."

The doctor replies, "You know 3 Viagra pills 3 nights in a row is pretty dangerous for any man. I will give them to you on the condition that you return to my office on Monday so that I can check you out."

The man says, "You have a deal Doc."

Monday morning the man returns with his arm in a sling. The doctor asks, "What happened to you?"

The man answered, "Nobody showed up!"

-------------------------

My mate just rang me and said, “What are you doing at the moment?"

I said, “Probably failing my driving test."

-------------------------

I employed a new gardener this morning and gave him a list of things to do,when I returned home from work he'd only done tasks 1,3,5 and 7 on the list.

Bloody useless, turns out he's just an odd job man.

-------------------------

Since I've been on my own I've had two great sexual adventures, I've been drinking what I want when I want, it's been good having mates round all the time but I have let this place become a bit of a tip. The wife will go mad when she gets home from work later.

1. The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian .

3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.

4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.

5. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.

6. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

7. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

8. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

9. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

11. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

12. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

13. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. --One hat said to the other, 'You stay here, I'll go on a head.'

14. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then, it hit me.

15. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said, 'Keep off the Grass.'

16. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. His grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, 'No Change yet.'

17. A chicken crossing the road - is poultry in motion.

18. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

19. The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

20. A backward poet - writes inverse.

21. In democracy, it's your vote that counts. In feudalism, it's your count that votes.

22. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

23. Don't join dangerous cults: - Practice safe sects!

Wolfy, I just had to share your first joke with the librarians in the other group! Thanks!

#80 / 17

Nando's (grilled chicken takeaway chain, if they aren't in your country) delivery trucks used to carry an ad proclaiming them to be 'poultry in motion'. Nando's is known for ads that take the mickey out of pompous politicians and regularly get them into trouble.

#80: LOL! i have to back to this thread more often. i never have any good or bad jokes but you guys have REALLY funny ones!

Well emerald_dragon. try a joke...we may like it. I love you pic of Elizabeth and mr. darcy :D

Another swipe from www.jumbojoke.com

A Catholic priest, a Baptist minister, and a Rabbi want to see which of them is best at his job. They decide each will go into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert it.

A few days later they get together as agreed, and the priest begins: "When I found the bear, I read to him from the Catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his First Communion."

The other two murmur their agreement that he did a very good job.

"I found a bear by the stream," says the Baptist, "and preached God's holy word. The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize him!"

The other two murmur their agreement that he did a very good job.

They both look down at the Rabbi, who is lying on a gurney in a body cast. "You know, looking back," the Rabbi says, "maybe I shouldn't have started with the circumcision...."

Hahaha rastaphrog I think this will be right up your alley...

A mystery-lover takes his place in the theater for opening night, but his seat is way back in the theater, far from the stage. The man calls an usher over and whispers, ''I just love a good mystery, and I have been anxiously anticipating the opening of this play. However, in order to carefully follow the clues and fully enjoy the play, I have to watch a mystery close up. Look how far away I am! If you can get me a better seat, I'll give you a handsome tip.''

The usher nods and says he will be back shortly. Looking forward to a large tip, the usher speaks with his co-workers in the box office, hoping to find some closer tickets. With just three minutes left until curtain, he finds an unused ticket at the Will Call window and snatches it up. Returning to the man in the back of the theater, he whispers, ''Follow me.'' The usher leads the man down to the second row, and proudly points out the empty seat right in the middle.

''Thanks so much,'' says the theatergoer, ''This seat is perfect.'' He then hands the usher a quarter.

The usher looks down at the quarter, leans over and whispers, ''The butler did it in the parlor with the candlestick.''

#84: Thank you its my one of favorite movies

“The wisest and the best of men, nay, the wisest and best of their actions, may be rendered ridiculous by a person whose first object in life is a joke.”
― Jane Austen, Pride and Prejudice

mine too!!

ok i'll try one:

There is a pecan tree in a cemetery and two boys go there to pick some. They fill their buckets up and when they're done they climb up into the tree where no one can see them. Then one boy started dividing them up. "One for you, one for me," he said. As he divided them, some of the nuts rolled down towards the gate.
Another boy was riding his bike past the cemetery when he heard voices. He stopped to listen and heard, "One for you, one for me." He looked into the cemetery but couldn't see anything. He jumped on his bike and peddled off. He saw an old man walking and called to him. "Mister! Mister!"
"Go away boy! Can't you see I'm trying to walk?" the old man said.
"You have to come quick!" the boy said. "Jesus and Satan are dividing up souls in the cemetery!"
So the old man went with him. They were looking through the gate and they heard, "One for you, one for me."
"You're right boy! They are dividing up souls!" the old man said.
Then they heard this: "Good, now we've finished these. Let's go grab those nuts by the gate and we'll be done."

When Forrest Gump died, he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter said, "Welcome, Forrest. We've heard a lot about you." He continued, "Unfortunately, it's getting pretty crowded up here and we find that we now have to give people an entrance examination before we let them in."

"Okay," said Forrest. "I hope it's not too hard. I've already been through a test. My momma used to say, 'Life is like a final exam. It's hard.' "

"Yes, Forrest, I know. But this test is only three questions. Here they are." 1) Which two days of the week begin with the letter 'T'?" 2) How many seconds are in a year? 3) What is God's first name?

"Well, sir," said Forrest, "The first one is easy. Which two days of the week begin with the letter 'T'? Today and Tomorrow."

St. Peter looked surprised and said, "Well, that wasn't the answer I was looking for, but you have a point. I give you credit for that answer."

"The next question," said Forrest, "How many seconds are in a year? Twelve."

"Twelve?" said St. Peter, surprised and confused.

"Yes, sir. January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd …"

St. Peter interrupted him. "I see what you mean. I'll have to give you credit for that one, too."

"And the last question," said Forrest, "What is God's first name? It's Andy."

"Andy?" said St. Peter, in shock. "How did you come up with 'Andy'?"

"I learned it in church. We used to sing about it." Forest broke into song, "Andy walks with me, Andy talks with me, Andy tells me I am His own."

St. Peter opened the gate to heaven and said, "Run, Forrest, Run!"

This is not meant to be offensive or literal:

A Communist, a Muslim, and an alien walk into a bar. The bartender says, "Hello Mr. President!"

@92 this thread is going to get awfully long if you post that everytime someone posts a joke here about politics or religion

Deleted.

I'm asking one of the admins to make an official decision. I really don't consider jokes to be "discussions" and there are minimal political and religious jokes here.

IMHO a joke is not the same as a discussion. (Unless the joke is just nasty in tone.)

If it offends you please just avert your eyes.

There have been plenty of jokes that mention rabbis, priest, etc. Count me in the jokes are different than discussions viewpoint.

I know that Obama is not "A Communist, a Muslim, and an alien", I even voted for him, twice (well, four times, two primaries). I still thought the joke was funny.

I realize that it is political and, nominally, religious and therefore might be considered a tad over the line for some folks, though.

Okay, official decision made! Please, for any further discussion, please move it to a new thread. Let's keep this thread for jokes... as bad as they may be...

well, I thought they were funny ...

Well, bad jokes can certainly be funny!

I'm sorry if any one was offended. I did not mean it seriously and I did delete it. I respect everyone's opinions.

emerald_dragon, please put your joke back. Religious and political jokes are allowed here.

Apropos the "No politics or religion to be discussed on the premises" sign (which, if my memory serves me correctly, was adopted here after a discussion in which I mentioned that it was my father's rule in his pub in Belfast) I have been looking through old documents that I took possession off when my father died in 2000. I have not felt inclined to look at them and only opened them this evening because I came across them while looking for something else.

How is this apropos the sign?

Well, these documents turned out to be property indentures dating back to 1891. These were for the premises my grandfather rented for his pub which was destroyed during the blitz in the Second World War. The documents also included a copy of the 1943 War Damages Act and documentation relating to my granddad's claim under the act for which he was awarded £1,125 for the total loss of the premises.

The documents also include the various rental and purchase agreements for the premises that was subsequently bought and which my father subsequently bought from my grandfather, and in which my father implemented the "No politics or religion to be discussed on the premises" policy as he had a mixed Catholic and Protestant clientele.

Like here he would allow religious jokes as long as they were not totally sectarian and could be enjoyed by both sides.

Perhaps not a story for the bad joke thread but I wanted to share my discovery with someone.

By the way, the documents from the 1800s were written by hand in a very stylish hand.

Stole this from a dementia caregiver newsletter.

Since more and more older adults are texting and tweeting, there seems to be a growing need for an STC (senior texting code). If you qualify for senior discounts, this is the code for you. Please pass this on to your children and grandchildren, so they can understand your texts.

ATD: At the doctor

BFF: Best friend fainted

BTW: Bring the wheelchair

CBM: Covered by Medicare

DWI: Driving while incontinent

FYI: Found your insulin

GGPBL: Gotta go; pacemaker battery low!

GHA: Got heartburn again

HGBM: Had good bowel movement

IMHO: Is my hearing-aid on?

LMDO: Laughing my dentures out

LOL: Living on Lipitor

OMSG: Oh my! Sorry, gas

ROFL...CGU: Rolling on floor laughing...can't get up

TTYL: Talk to you louder

WAITT: Who am I talking to?

WTFA: Wet the furniture again

WTP: Where's the prunes?

GGLKI: Gotta go; laxative kicking in

-- Anonymous

#103 I've got to steal those!

#103: i'm laughing SO hard!!!

#101: I will put it back if we all agree that it was not meant the way it was taken.

I doubt we'll all be in agreement. However, admin of Green Dragon agrees that a certain amount of "non-nasty" political and religious jokes is okay. It's not considered "discussion" and, therefore, is fine within The Green Dragon. If people don't like political and religious jokes, they can red X the thread. My thread... admin okay... my rules. :D

ETA: Besides, it wasn't even political to be honest. It was poking fun at ignorant people.

ok i did and, again, i apologize since it was not meant to be offensive. Thanks! :D

>103 CarolO: Great! I've already passed them on to my wife and a friend.

>106 Morphidae: Nicely done, Morphy.

Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.
-Groucho Marx

>109 olive_spread: I've got a T-shirt with that on it! :)

>109 olive_spread:: Made me laugh.

Knock knock.
Who's there?
Cash.
Cash who?
No thanks, but I would like a peanut instead!

#112: That reminds me of a joke my friend told me last week.

Knock knock.
Who's there?
Queen.
Queen who?
Queen my dishes please!

#113 good one

Background: Like most of Durban, our suburb has septic tanks, not municipal sewerage, and these need to be emptied from time to time. So on the way to the shops this morning, I got behind a "honey-sucker".

The back of which bore the message CAUTION STOOL BUS -- surely the poo-fect message for such a vehicle.

#115

Hugh, this thread is supposed to be for "bad" jokes. That one is just too good.

I hope you get plenty of warning if it stops to make a delivery!

I suspect this one is going to run, and run, and run...

#118 That may depend on the, er, health of the readers ...

ETA: I'm told that Imodium may solve the problem ;)

We just have to go with the flow.

I don't have to listen to this crap...

*wanders off*

I thought this thread is for bad jokes, not toilet humour >0(

But my kids would love it.

Last week, I accompanied my son's class on their field trip to the science centre, where they listened to a talk on the human body (senses, stomach, small intestine etc.). Of course, when the lady demonstrated that the kidneys are positioned just above the buttocks, the whole roomful of 5 year olds fell over laughing.

And naturally, they also found the final parts of the digestive system amusing.

ETA: but what amused me was their innocence :0)

What's more of a bad joke than toilet humor? Especially toilet puns? :D

#115: that is SO funny! :D
#123: I totally agree!

Toilet buns, did you say?

I'm in a bar, having a few drinks, when I realize I gotta take a leak. So I go into one of the restroom stalls, and moments later, the guy in the next stall, says "Hi. How's it going?" So, I go "Uhhh, all right."
A couple of seconds later he says, "What are ya doing tonight?" So, naturally I replied, "Just having' a couple of beers, and then I'm going home."
The next thing he says is, "Listen, I'll call you back later. There's an idiot in the next stall, answering everything I say."

>125 MrsLee: Yeah, that's when you've been sitting on the throne for far too long and you end up with the imprint on your bum.

#126: That's embarrassing but funny!

#127 ...with the imprint on your bum.

Are we coming to the butt-end of this subject?

Yeah, maybe it's time to put it behind us.

Two brooms were hanging in the closet and after a while they got to know each other so well, they decided to get married.

One broom was, of course, the bride broom, the other the groom broom.

The bride broom looked very beautiful in her white dress. The groom broom was handsome and suave in his tuxedo. The wedding was lovely.

After the wedding, at the wedding dinner, the bride-broom leaned over and said to the groom-broom, 'I think I am going to have a little whisk broom!'

'IMPOSSIBLE !' said the groom broom.

Are you ready for this?
Brace yourself! this is going to hurt !! !! !

'WE HAVEN'T EVEN SWEPT TOGETHER!'

That was AWFUL!

*holds nose and runs away*

Bravo!

that made the bad meter

Even worse then bad

Q: Why don't witches wear undies?

A: To get a better grip on their brooms.

I was going to dust off some old vacuum cleaner jokes, but on second thought, they all suck.

This is the time of year when people get santamental.

Q: Why did the policeman refuse to get out of bed.

A: He was under cover.

A priest and a rabbi walk into a bar.  The bartender asks, "What's the joke?"

T'was the night before Christmas and all through the house,
Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse.
The stockings were hung by the chimney with care.
They'd been worn all week and needed the air.

>139 olive_spread:: Ewww!

Courtesy of the Christmas poppers we opened today.

Q: Why do pens get sent to prison?
A: To do long sentences.

Q: What do snowmen eat for lunch?
A: Icebergers

Q: Where do snowmen go to dance?
A: Snowballs

Q: What do you give a train driver for Christmas?
A: Platform shoes!

Q: What's round and bad tempered?
A: A vicious circle.

Q: How did the human cannonball lose his job?
A: He got fired.

Q: Why didn't the skeleton go the New Year's Eve party?
A: He had no body to go with.

Q: What do you call an Eskimo cow?
A: An Eskimoo!

Signs You've Had Too Much Holiday Cheer

1. You strike a match and light your nose.

2. You take off your shoes and wade in the potato salad.

3. You hear a duck quacking and it's you.

4. You tell your best joke to the rubber plant.

5. You refill your glass from the fish bowl.

6. You hear someone say, "Call a priest!"

7. You start kissing the portraits on the wall.

8. You complain about the small bathroom after emerging from the closet.

9. You ask for another ice cube and put it in your pocket.

10. You tell everyone you have to go home... and the party's at your place.

11. You have to hold on to the floor to keep from sliding off.

12. You pick up a roll, and butter your watch.

13. You yawn at the biggest bore in the room... and realize you're in front of the hall mirror.

14. You take out your handkerchief and blow your ear.

15. You suggest everyone stand and sing the national budget.

#15- that high note can be a real challenge for some people! Love these!

Going from memory: came across The Little Book of Chocolates

"Man cannot live by chocolate alone - but woman can!"

"Everyone eats on average 10 pounds of chocolate a year, but a lot of it goes to waist."

One morning, the husband returns the boat to their lakeside cottage after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, puts her feet up, and begins to read her book. The peace and solitude are magnificent. Along comes a Fish and Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, 'Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?'
'Reading a book,' she replies, (thinking, 'Isn't that obvious?').
'You're in a Restricted Fishing Area,' he informs her.
‘I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading.'
'Yes, but I see you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up.'
'If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault,' says the woman.
'But I haven't even touched you,' says the Game Warden.
‘That's true, but you have all the equipment.. For all I know you could start at any moment.'
'Have a nice day ma'am,' and he left.

MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also think.

Excellent ! - rgurskey

The United Way realized that it had never received a donation from the
city's most successful lawyer. So a United Way volunteer paid the lawyer a visit in his lavish office.

The volunteer opened the meeting by saying, "Our research shows that even though your annual income is over two million dollars, you don't give a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give something back to your community through the United Way?"

The lawyer thinks for a minute and says, "First, did your research also show
you that my mother is dying after a long, painful illness and she has huge
medical bills that are far beyond her ability to pay?"

Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbles, "Uh . . . no, I didn't know that."
"Secondly," says the lawyer, "did it show that my brother, a disabled
veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair and is unable to support his
wife and six children?"

The stricken United Way rep begins to stammer an apology, but is cut off
again.

"Thirdly, did your research also show you that my sister's husband died
in a dreadful car accident, leaving her penniless with a mortgage and three
children, one of whom is disabled and another who has learning disabilities
requiring an array of private tutors?"

The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, says, "I'm so sorry, I had no idea."

And the lawyer says, "So .. . . if I didn't give any money to them, what the
heck makes you think I'd give any to you?"

#147 @bernsad, I am afraid that joke is too good to be on a "bad joke of the day" thread.

;)

Ah sorry, 'm I bad?

>145 rgurskey:: I love that moral :0D

'carpe diem' = seize the day

'carp diem' = seize the fish

'carpet diem' = hit the floor

'carpal diem' = seize the wrist

'corporeal diem' = seize the ghost

'carb diem' = seize the pasta

carpe dime --seize the money

Harpo Diem--seize the Marx

tarpe diem--seize the cover, its raining!

carpe diet = seize the food

Harpie Diem--Seize the babe.

All I can think about is how the Latin is incorrect. "Carpe" is "seize" and "diem" is "day," so when you're changing the sentence by changing "carpe," it wouldn't be changing the direct object.

Seriously, this is bugging me. I know I cared about grammar, but this seems weird even for me...

It's probably going to keep you up nights, huh?

Well, this is the BAD joke thread...

I just think it's cool we share jokes in Latin!

From a 3rd grader today (actually on her t shirt)
What's black and white and pink all over?

A zebra eating cotton candy.

From my childhood,

What's black and white and red all over?

A sunburnt zebra.

155: So?!

carpe dime : grab a chocolate bar

crape diem : boy, have I had a day!

carpe dies : stick it on the grill

From my childhood:

What's black and white and re(a)d all over?

A newspaper.

A skunk with diaper rash.

Ah, yes. I remember those old jokes!

What's black and white and black and white and black and white?

A skunk falling down the stairs.

What's green red and goes round at 45 mph?

.
.(grossness ahead)
.
.
.
..
.
.
.
.
.

.
..
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
A frog in a blender.

>164 madpoet: I heard that as a nun falling down stairs.

Oh, I have a BAAAAAAAAAAAAAD one.

What's green and smells like pork?

.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Kermit's finger

Those are very good bad jokes. :)

A man came home from work and found his 5 children outside, still in their pajamas, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and wrappers strewn around garden, The door of his wife's car was open, as was the front door to the house and no sign of the dog, walking in the door, he found ...an even bigger mess. A lamp had been knocked over, the throw rug was against one wall, In the front room the TV was on loudly with the cartoon channel, the family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing. In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, breakfast food was spilled on the counter, the fridge door was open wide, dog food was spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand was spread by the back door. He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and more piles of clothes, looking for his wife. He was worried she might be ill, or that something serious had happened. He was met with a small trickle of water as it made its way out the bathroom door. As he peered inside he found wet towels, scummy soap and more toys strewn over the floor. Miles of toilet paper lay in a heap and toothpaste had been smeared over the mirror and walls. As he rushed to the bedroom, he found his wife still curled up in the bed in her pajamas, reading a novel...

She looked up at him, smiled and asked how his day went.

He looked at her bewildered and asked, 'What happened here today?'

She again smiled and answered, 'You know every day when you come home from work and you ask me what in the world do I do all day?...

''Yes," was his incredulous reply..

She answered, 'Well, today I didn't do it.

A friend has just sent me the following, under the heading "EU Directive No. 456179":

In order to bring about further integration of Sterling with the Single European Currency,
all citizens of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland must be made aware
that the phrase 'Spending a Penny' must not be used after 31st December 2013.

From this date onwards, the correct terminology will be: 'Euronating'.

Thank you for your attention.

We have had Euronation status in Ireland since 2002. People still spend pennies but not officially. It's a bit of an underground thing.

It doesn't matter how you say it, as long as you're a-peein'.

169 - I had to think about think about this for a bit, but then the penny dropped.

What do you call a nun in a blender?

Twisted Sister.

There was a young belle of Connecticut
Who signalled the express with her pecticut.
Her elders defined
This as presence of mind
But a terrible breach of ecticut.

There was a young lady of Tottenham,
Who'd no manners, or else she'd forgotten 'em;
For at tea at the vicar's
She tore off her knickers
Because, she explained, she felt 'ot in 'em

I used to know one about the Archbishop of Birmingham, but my brain has censored it.

>176 MyopicBookworm: Yeah, I looked it up in Google and it's REALLY raunchy.

After 35 years of marriage, a husband and wife came for counseling.
When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a tirade listing
every problem they had ever had in the years they had been married.
On and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy,emptiness, loneliness,
feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs
she had endured.
Finally, after allowing this for a sufficient length of time, the
therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking the wife
to stand, he embraced and kissed her long and passionately as her
husband watched - with a raised eyebrow.
The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze.
The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your
wife needs at least 3 times a week. Can you do this?"
"Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on
Fridays, I fish."

179 - Love it.

178: That version is post-scandal. In the old days it was
There was an Archbishop of Birmingham
who rogered young girls while confirming 'em
etc.

Ah yes. Those innocent days.

I found this while researching the Archbishop of Birmingham. Not apropos but I found it funny.

Of mad cow's disease, said Cow 1:
"No harm can ever be done
To me or to you."
"Why's that?" asked Cow 2.
"We're frogs!" said the first. "Ain't that fun?"

The second cow thought: Is it true?
Then color my green hide all blue!
For we've big baggy udders
Instead of webbed rudders,
And in place of a ribbet we moo.

References to the Archbishop of Birmingham are specifically Catholic. Later versions of the limerick are ecumenical.

There once was a man from Nantucket
Who kept all of his cash in a bucket.
His daughter named Nan
Fell in love with a man;
And as for the bucket,
Nantucket.

He followed the pair to Pawtucket -
Nan and the man and the bucket.
He said to the man,
"You are welcome to Nan."
But as for the bucket,
Pawtucket.

I have never heard the "Man from Nantucket" in its entirety.

I heard a different version.

D'you mean the one where it was so long he could ... (rhymes with Nantucket) ?

Mary had a little lamb
She kept it in a bucket
And every time that it got out
Her dog would try to put it back in.

Q: What did the big bucket say to the little bucket?

A: you are looking a little pail!

A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation in Jerusalem . While they were there, the wife passed away.

The undertaker told the husband, "You can have her buried here in the Holy Land for $150 or we can have her shipped back home for $5,000.”

The husband thought about it and told the undertaker he would have her shipped back home.

The undertaker asked him, "Why would you spend $5,000 to have her shipped home when you could have a beautiful burial here, and it would only cost $150????"

The husband replied, "Long ago, a man died here, was buried here, and three days later, rose from the dead . I just can’t take that chance!"

Ah ha!

A day late and a dollar short but…

Q: What did the painter say to her boyfriend?
A; "I love you with all my art!"

Reminds me of:

Q: What do you call a manic potter?

A: A psycho-ceramic.

Power outage

We had a power outage at my house this morning and my PC, laptop, TV, DVD,
iPad & my new surround sound music system were all shut down.

Then I discovered that my iPhone battery was flat and to top it off it was
raining outside, so I couldn't play golf.

I went into the kitchen to make coffee and then I remembered that this
also needs power, so I sat and talked with my wife for a few hours.

She seems like a nice person.

>195 bernsad:: Nice. (I wasn't expecting so much sharp social satire on the Bad Joke thread!)

Ahh; now I might know what it is with my husband. He's had his phone almost permanently attached to his ear since I met him, and only removes it to change models. :0)

Q: What do you call a bear without any teeth?

A: A gummy bear

AN ATHEIST AND A BEAR

An atheist was taking a walk through the woods, admiring all that evolution had created.

"What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!", he said to himself. As he was walking along the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. When he turned to see what the cause was, he saw a 7-foot grizzly charging right towards him. He ran as fast as he could. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing, He ran even faster, crying in fear. He looked over his shoulder again, and the bear was even closer. His heart was pounding and he tried to run even faster. He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up, but saw the bear right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him.

At that moment, the Atheist cried out "Oh my God!...." Time stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent. Even the river stopped moving.

As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky, "You deny my existence for all of these years; teach others I don''''t exist; and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?"

The atheist looked directly into the light "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask You to treat me as Christian now, but perhaps could you make the bear a Christian?" "Very well," said the voice.

The light went out. The river ran again. And the sounds of the forest resumed.

And then the bear dropped his right paw ..... brought both paws together...bowed his head and spoke: "Lord, for this food which I am about to receive, I am truly thankful."

Hehehe, excellent!

Man: "I would like my wife arrested for assault"

Police Officer: "What did she assault you with?"

Man: " an Oak leaf"

Police: " Well, you certainly weren't hurt."

Man: "It was an Oak leaf from the dining room table!"

I man was hospitalized with six plastic horses up his arse.
The doctor described his condition as stable.

It's 4:30 in the morning, I've not finished night shift yet, I'm very tired and that was inordinately funny. Thank you.

The kids inspired me to produce this one:

Q: What's sweet and crunchy and swings through the trees in Borneo?

A: A meringue utan!

Watson arrives back at 221b Baker St., to find Sherlock Holmes bent over his desk, with his trousers round his ankles and a citrus fruit up his arse.
"My god man!" bellows Watson, "whatever's going on?"
"Ah," says Holmes, "a lemon-entry, my dear Watson"

A man walks into a bar and says 'Why all the black feathers?'. It was a crowbar.

Wow. That works on so many levels.

Hi,

Well since we're on the black, white red ...

What's black, white and red all over?
A freshly whipped nun!

What goes black, white, red, black, white, red?
A nun on a meat slicer!

Cheers, Greg.

Here's one we told on the ol' school bus, back in the day:

Q: Why did Spock build an outhouse on the moon?

A: He wanted to 'go where no man had gone before'.

Q: Why did he build a glass outhouse?

A: He wanted to 'boldly go where no man had gone before'.

A horse walks in to a bar and the bartender says, "Why the long face?"

What do you call a fake noodle?

An impasta

>211 olive_spread: I bet your kids supply these! Love them!

A few interesting tidbits:

If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.
(Hardly seems worth it.)

If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.
(Now that's more like it!)

The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.
(O.M.G.!)

A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.
(In my next life, I want to be a pig.)

A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death. (Creepy.)
(I'm still not over the pig.)

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
(Don't try this at home ; maybe at work.)

The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.
(Honey, I'm home . What the...?)

The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field.
(30 minutes. Lucky pig! Can you imagine?)

The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.
(What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)

Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
(I still want to be a pig in my next life...quality over quantity.)

Butterflies taste with their feet.
(Something I always wanted to know.)

Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people.
(If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)

Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.
(Okay, so that would be a good thing.)

A cat's urine glows under a black light.
(I wonder how much the government paid to figure that out.)

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
(I know some people like that.)

Starfish have no brains.
(I know some people like that, too.)

Polar bears are left-handed.
(If they switch, they'll live a lot longer.)

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
(What about that pig? Do the dolphins know about the pig?)

Now that you've smiled at least once, it's your turn to spread these crazy facts and send this to someone you want to bring a smile to, maybe even a chuckle.

I did more then smile, #213, I chuckled out loud. Your comments made it all worth it. But my question for the pig is:

so elephants are the only animal that cannot jump, therefore pigs jump, but can they jump after those special 30 minutes? HA I'm coming back the lion….no one raises lions to eat

Ready, set, go

Male bats have the highest rate of homosexuality of any mammal.
(Might have something to do with being blind as a bat? Oops, pardon me, Joe, I thought you were someone else)

It is illegal to frown at cows in Bladworth, Saskatchewan.
(Get a LIFE!)

A man’s beard grows fastest when he anticipates sex.
(Holy Santa!) (So that is what Rip Van Winkle was dreaming about.)

The electric chair was invented by a dentist.
( I knew it, those sadists)

Clouds fly higher during the day than the night.
(So do my dreams)

An ant always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.
(Who wrote that grant? P.T. Barnum?)

Happy as a clam is from the expression happy as a clam at high tide. Clams are only harvested when the tide is out.
(I love that saying)

Three lawyers and three engineers are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three lawyers each buy tickets and watch as the three engineers buy only a single ticket.

"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks a lawyer.

"Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer.

They all board the train. The lawyers take their respective seats but all three engineers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, "Ticket, please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.

The lawyers see this and agree that it is quite a clever idea so, after the conference, they decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money.

When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers don't buy a ticket at all.

"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed lawyer.

"Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer.

When they board the train the three lawyers cram into a restroom and the three engineers cram into another one nearby.

The train departs.

Shortly afterward, one of the engineers leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the lawyers are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please."

LOL that's a good one!

Those engineers are so crafty! (Dad and brother are engineers)

I have a family full of engineers (mainly my dad's generation, admittedly); I think I'll pass that one on :0)

yes funny

Two drunks were walking upgrade between the railroad tracks. One of them said, "This is is longest stairway I have ever been on." To this, the other replied, "It's not the stairs that bother me, it's the low banister."

Timely joke. Last night on the news they were showing security video of people running across the tracks right in front of trains. File under - How Stupid Can You Be?

I stayed up all night wondering where the sun goes. Then it dawned on me.

Did you hear about the dyslexic, agnostic insomniac?

He sat up all night wondering whether there really was a dog.

Roses are red
Violets are blue
Does this rag smell like chloroform to you?

It told a chemistry joke the other day. There was no reaction.

My wife said plugging the computer keyboard into the hi-fi was stupid, but I said that was stereotyping.

>225 Jim53: *holds her nose and runs away screaming*

My favorite bumper sticker of the week: God doesn't believe in Athiests

Sorry, I know this is a no religion talk group but I like the play on words-backwards thinking of the statement. No offense meant.

One time I saw "Being an Atheist is a sin" bumper sticker. No offense meant either, but it gave me a chuckle while I was driving.

Per our Clam, religious jokes are allowed in this joke thread only as long as they aren't cruel.

//>229 Morphidae: We have clams? Little Necks or Bellies?//

>230 John_Vaughan: Ummmm, I'll leave that up to her to reveal. :D

Clams have legs! Clams have legs!

borrowed from the B.C. comic strip

LOL. You just took me back 30 years.

What do you call a cow with a twitch?

Beef Jerky

Awesome!

C, E flat, and G walk into a bar.
The bartender says, "Sorry, no minors."

Hee, hee!

I remember the music gang at my college had a whole routine about this. I don't remember the other parts, but I think it ended with the remaining notes "sharing a fifth between them."

A 'C', an E-flat, and a 'G' go into a bar. The bartender says: "Sorry, but we don't serve minors." So, the E-flat leaves, and the C and the G have an open fifth between them. After a few drinks, the fifth is diminished: the G is out flat. An F comes in and tries to augment the situation, but is not sharp enough.

A D comes into the bar and heads straight for the bathroom saying, "Excuse me. I'll just be a second."

An A comes into the bar, but the bartender is not convinced that this relative of C is not a minor.

Then the bartender notices a B-flat hiding at the end of the bar and exclaims: "Get out now! You're the seventh minor I've found in this bar tonight."

The E-flat, not easily deflated, comes back to the bar the next night in a 3-piece suit with nicely shined shoes. The bartender says: "You're looking sharp tonight, come on in! This could be a major development." This proves to be the case, as the E-flat takes off the suit, and everything else, and stands there au naturel.

Eventually, the C sobers up, and realizes in horror that he's under a rest. The C is brought to trial, is found guilty of contributing to the diminution of a minor, and is sentenced to 10 years of DS without Coda at an upscale correctional facility. On appeal, however, the C is found innocent of any wrongdoing, even accidental, and that all accusations to the contrary are bassless.

>239 Jenni_Canuck: You know, that's really bad...

Fits right in here! LOL.

>239 Jenni_Canuck: Oh, my. Copying and sending to a friend who is a professional musician. Still grinning.

>240 Morphidae: & >241 MDGentleReader:
I have to credit google for helping me find that :-)

Love it!

How many post-modernists does it take to change a light bulb?

To get to the other side.

How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?

Only one, but the bulb has to really want to change.

(an old one, I know. But one of my favorites.)

How many dogs does it take to change a light bulb?

GOLDEN RETRIEVER: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned out bulb?

BORDER COLLIE: Just one. And then I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code.

DACHSHUND: You know I can't reach that stupid lamp!

ROTTWEILER: Make me!!

LAB: Oh, me, me!!!! Pleeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Huh? Can I?

GERMAN SHEPHERD: I'll change it as soon as I've led these people from the dark, Check to make sure I haven't missed any, and make just one more perimeter patrol to see that no one has tried to take advantage of the situation.

TIBETAN TERRIER: Let the Border Collie do it. You can feed me while he's busy.

JACK RUSSELL TERRIER: I'll just pop it in while I'm bouncing off the walls and furniture.

POODLE: I'll just blow in the Border Collie's ear and he'll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.

COCKER SPANIEL: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark.

DOBERMAN: While it's dark, I'm going to sleep on the couch.

BOXER: Who cares? I can still play with my squeaky toys in the dark......

CHIHUAHUA: Yo quiero Taco Bulb.

IRISH WOLFHOUND: Can somebody else do it? I've got this hangover.....

POINTER: I see it, there it is, there it is, right there....

GREYHOUND: It isn't moving. Who cares?

AUSTRALIAN SHEPHERD: First, I'll put all the light bulbs in a little circle...

OLD ENGLISH SHEEP DOG: Light bulb? I'm sorry,but I don't see a light bulb?

HOUND DOG: ZZZZZZzzzzz.z.z.z..z..z..z...z

DALMATIAN: I'm too stupid, let Mojo do it.

CAT: Dogs do not change light bulbs. People change light bulbs. So, the question is: How long will it be before I can expect light?

>246 Morphidae: but... that's a good joke. Thanks for the laughs again, Morphy.

>246 Morphidae: What @MDGentleReader said!

Q: What makes pirates such good singers?
A: They can hit the high Cs!

>239 Jenni_Canuck: I was a big hit with our muic dept. after I forwaded your joke to them. Considering they never come to the library I take it as good advertising for us.

>246 Morphidae: Love the lightbulb dogs!

With all the dog and cat owners I have among my friends, I've swiped and posted the lightbulb dogs on Facebook.

Courtesy of my 10 year old :

Why did the toilet roll roll down the hill?
Because it wanted to get to the bottom.

Why didn't the toilet roll roll down the hill?
Because it got stuck in the crack.

That reminds me of a joke my child wanted to share with class, which the class room teacher prevent it :

Why did Piglet look into the toilet?
Because he was looking for Pooh.

ETA "h" at the end. lol

A Navy Chief and an Air Force General were getting shaves in a barbershop.

As the barbers were reaching for some after-shave to slap on their faces, the General shouts, "Hey, don't put that crap on me! My wife will think I've been in a whorehouse!"

Whereupon the Chief turns to his barber and says, "Go ahead and put it on me, my wife doesn't know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like."

>255 rgurskey:

You were enlisted, not an officer?

So (according to my 10 year old - a good source of bad jokes) there was this man riding his motorbike into Malaysia with nothing but a bag of sand on the back. Naturally, the customs officer was suspicious and insisted on opening up the bag to search it, but found nothing. The next month, the same thing happened, and the next and so on.

Eventually, the customs officer said to the man "I know you're smuggling something, but I can't work out what."

And the man answered "Motorbikes." (An old one, but a good one)

Today's paper reports that a man in Margate (KZN South Coast) hired a builder to extend his rabbit hutch. afterwards he said "The builder certainly gave me a good run for my bunny".

Finally! I think my 5 year old is getting the hang of jokes; his usual returns to his brother's efforts (see >253 humouress:) are along the lines of "Why did the toilet roll roll down the hill? Because it got stuck in the crack." or "Why did the strawberry cross the road?" "Because it wanted to dance" or some other such non-sequitor.

But today he asked me "What time is it when an elephant sits on your fence?"

"Time to get a new one!"

(Which he then very kindly explained to me - because then the fence has been flattened.)

When my brother was very young (5, 6?) we were at the beach. I can't remember what he was saying but a lady was inspired to call him fresh. He replied, "I'm not fresh, I'm salty!" I don't know if realized the pun at the time but I thought it was hysterical.

Wayne Gretzky, Mario Lemieux, and Steve Yzerman all die and meet in heaven.

God is sitting in his chair and says to Mario: “Mario what do yo believe in?” “I believe hockey is the greatest thing in the world and the best sport in the history of mankind,” replied Mario. To that God says: “Take the seat to my left.”

Then God asks Steve: “What do you believe in?” Steve replies: “I believe in bravery and courage. To me, those qualities best exemplify man.” To that God says: “Good answer. Please take the seat to my right.”

Finally, God turns to Wayne Gretzky and asks: “Wayne what do you believe in?” Wayne thinks about this question for a moment, then looks at God and says: “I believe you're sitting in my seat.”

Q.Why are movie stars so cool.
A.Because they have so many fans.

A frog calls the Psychic Hotline and is told, "You are going to meet a beautiful young woman who will want to know everything about you."

The frog says, "Great! Will I meet her at a party, or what?"

"No," says the psychic. "Next semester, in her biology class."

From my son:

The Energizer Bunny's been arrested!
Battery...

From actor who plays Lord Grantham (interviewd on NPR's Dinner Party):

What do you do if you see a spaceman?
Park the car, man.

They're perfectly terrible!

Well done.