Bad Joke of the Day IV

*searches for a bad joke*

Um...

After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, New York scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 100 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 100 years ago

Not to be outdone by the New Yorkers, a California archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet and shortly after a story in an LA newspaper read:"California archaeologists' discover 200 year old copper wire, have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network a hundred years earlier than the New Yorkers."

One week later, a local newspaper in Minnesota reported the following: "After digging as deep as 30 feet in his pasture near Snuse Valley, MN, Ole, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely nothing. Ole, has therefore concluded that 300 years ago, Minnesota, had already gone wireless."

#1: Good One!!! (not a bad one, so the bad ones must have taken the day off!!)

I like that!

Bad joke> a duck walks into a store and buys some crackers, the clerk says cash or charge and the duck says "put it on my bill"

What's a math teacher's favorite type of toilet paper?

Mutiply.

Some years ago there was a harrowing account in the news of a collision between a horse and a car somewhere near Port Elizabeth (if memory serves me well). Initial reports indicated that both horse and human were receiving treatment and were in a stable condition.

Swiped from "Jurassic Park":

What do you call a blind dinosaur?

A Do-you-think-he-saurus.

What do you call a blind dinosaur's dog?

A Do-you-think-he-saurus Rex.

what do you get if you cross a duck with a cow?

milk and quackers!

Thanks for the laughs, guys!

I became confused when I heard the word "Service" used with these agencies:

Internal Revenue 'Service'
U.S. Postal 'Service'
Telephone 'Service'
Cable TV 'Service'
Civil 'Service'
State, City, County & Public 'Service'
Customer 'Service'

This is not what I thought 'Service' meant.

But today, I overheard two farmers talking, and one of them said he had hired a bull to 'Service' a few cows.

BAM!!! It all came into focus. Now I understand what all those agencies are doing to us.

Hm. Maybe I should see if the Secret Service are recruiting...

Excellent!

I can't help but picture the cows and bulls I viewed when a youngster whenever I hear some young whippersnapper talking about "servicing" someone. Ah, sure...

Well, I'm gonna tell you straight up, we do NOT provide customer "service" at our hotel! However, we do provide hospitality. ;)

Oh dear! Now I'll laugh at odd times all day. And what about Sunday when Its time to attend the 11:00 service? Oh Dear!

I just got off the phone with a friend now living in northern Alberta. She said that since early this morning the snow has been nearly waist high and is still falling. The temperature has dropped way below zero and the north wind is increasing to near gale force. Her husband has done nothing but look through the kitchen window and just stare. She says that if it gets much worse, she may have to let him in.

>14 Jenni_Canuck: LOL!

Hah!

*giggle*

Oh good one! caught me completely off guard

lucky guy! good joke, if you're not outside in a snow storm....

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

The old sheep ranchers used to tell the vet, "I did just as you said, Doc. I mixed the cows milk and the sugar, and heated it real slow; then I put in a shot of whiskey."

"And you gave this to the lambs, every four hours?" the vet asks.

"Lambs?!" the sheperd exclaims.

Did you know that diarrhea is genetic?

It runs in your jeans.

Ew, sick

A little girl was sitting and crying over her kitty that was run over and killed by a car. The girl was crying something awful, and her gandfather was doing his best to console her.

Finally, Grandpa said, "Don't cry honey, your kitty has just gone up to heaven to be with God."

The girl looks up through her sobs and said, "Now, what do you suppose God wants with a dead cat."

Ha!

I now post on this thread with trepidation, not being able to check whether any particular bad joke has been aired already. But the little girl in 23 reminded me of another:

After many years of imprisonment, a prisoner managed to escape, and ran across a nearby meadow shouting "I'm free! I'm free!"

A little girl playing nearby gave him a superior look and said "So what? I'm four!"

H A _ _ _
B _ _ T _ _ _ _

Fill in the letters, two words. What does this spell?

(Answer:)
H A I R Y
B U T T O C K S

Bet You were thinking Happy Birthday, weren't you ;P

I received this e-mail this morning and I had to share. Sorry for the length

The Washington Post's Mensa Invitational once again invited readers
to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding,
subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.
Here are the winners:

1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the
subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.

2. Ignoranus : A person who's both stupid and an asshole.

3. Intaxicaton : Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until
you realize it was your money to start with.

4. Reintarnation : Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

5. Bozone ( n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops
bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows
little sign of breaking down in the near future.

6. Foreploy : Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of
getting laid..

7. Giraffiti : Vandalism spray-painted very, very high

8. Sarchasm : The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the
person who doesn't get it.

9. Inoculatte : To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

10. Osteopornosis : A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)

11. Karmageddon : It's like, when everybody is sending off all these
really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's
like, a serious bummer.

12. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day
consuming only things that are good for you.

13. Glibido : All talk and no action.

14. Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter
when they come at you rapidly.

15. Arachnoleptic Fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after
you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

16. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into
your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

17. Caterpallor ( n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm
in the fruit you're eating.

The Washington Post has also published the winning submissions to its
yearly contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate
meanings for common words. And the winners are:

1. Coffee, n. The person upon whom one coughs.

2. Flabbergasted, adj. Appalled by discovering how much weight one has
gained.

3. Abdicate, v. To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

4. Esplanade, v. To attempt an explanation while drunk.

5. Willy-nilly, adj. Impotent.

6. Negligent, adj. Absentmindedly answering the door when wearing
only a nightgown.

7. Lymph, v. To walk with a lisp.

8. Gargoyle, n. Olive-flavored mouthwash.

9. Flatulence, n. Emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has
been run over by a steamroller.

10. Balderdash, n. A rapidly receding hairline.

11. Testicle, n. A humorous question on an exam.

12. Rectitude, n. The formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.

13. Pokemon, n. A Rastafarian proctologist.

14. Oyster, n. A person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.

15. Frisbeetarianism, n. The belief that, after death, the soul flies
up onto the roof and gets stuck there.

16. Circumvent, n. An opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish
men

Very good list.

>5 hfglen:. Willy-nilly, adj. Impotent.

Okay, that one made me snarfle.

Those were beautiful! Must share....

Those were funny, I liked the new meanings for regular words best... Testicle-a humorous question on an exam

So very funny! Brightened up a very bad day. Thanks.

Actually laughed outloud. Thank you, this helped my day.

when I read this...Arachnoleptic Fit...I knew I've been a member of that dance troupe.

Esplanade, made me laugh until I cried. I was a goner with the others already mentioned.

funny! and smart! excellent.

Also very impressed. Was giggling away in my office. Glad no-one else was around!

Those are hilarious and very clever too. I especially liked Giraffitti, it brought wonderful images into my mind.

Very funny!

This has been circulating for a long time now, but they're still good.

A friend of a friend posted this on Facebook: not for family entertainment.

A man walks into the marital bedroom with a sheep under his arm, and looks over at his wife lying in bed.

"This is the pig I sleep with because you won't have sex with me," he says.

The wife looks disgusted, and says "I think you'll find that's a sheep."

The husband replies "I think YOU'LL find I was talking to the sheep."

Good one #37

All of the definitions made me smile, but "esplanade" made me snarfle too.

A man walks into a bar with a toad on his head. The barman says, "Where did you get that?" and the toad replies, " Well, it started out as a wart on my butt."

Does anyone remember dead baby jokes? They were popular when I was a kid (my husband even knows them and he's 10 yrs older) so for those who don't know... Warning they are just wrong.

What do you call a dead baby with no arms and no legs in a pool?

Bob.

What do you call a dead baby on the wall?

Art

She was only a whiskey-maker, but he loved her still.

Why do gorillas have big nostrils?
Because they have big fingers.

and for the big finale:

Why don't blind people like to sky dive?
Because it scares the hell out of the dog.

How do blind skydivers know they are close to the ground?

The leash goes slack.

"I see!" said the blind man as he picked up his hammer and saw.

Yikes. The return of dead baby jokes. I do remember them, does that make me officially old?

What green and lies in the grass?

a dead girl scout

What black and deadly and sits in a tree?

A crow with a machine gun

What do you call a dead baby on the front stoop?

Matt

Ok- these are totally tasteless jokes, but:

Dead baby waterskiing?

Skip

Dead baby in a hole?

Phil

What has four legs and would kill you if it jumped out of a tree on to you?

A billiard table.

"Daddy, Daddy, the kids let me play baseball with them today!"
"But how can you play baseball? You have no arms and no legs."
"I was second base!"

Where does the General keep his Armies?

In his Sleevies !

One more:

BIG PEOPLE WORDS

A group of kindergartners were trying very hard to become accustomed to the first grade. The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on NO baby talk! You need to use 'Big People' words,' she was always reminding them.

She asked John what he had done over the weekend? 'I went to visit my Nana'. No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use 'Big People words!'

She then asked Mitchell what he had done. 'I took a ride on a choo-choo'.

She said. 'No, you took a ride on a TRAIN. You must remember to use 'Big People' words'.

She then asked little Alex what he had done?

"I read a book," he replied.

That's WONDERFUL!' the teacher said.

'What book did you read?'

Alex thought real hard about it, then puffed out his chest with great pride, and said,
'Winnie the 'SHIT'

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

*snerk* I'm remembering #54, that's for sure!

Ha! That one (54) made me giggle out loud.

Phil was sitting reading his paper when his wife hit him on the left side of his head with a small frying pan. "Why in the Hell, did you do that!" The man yelled. Barb replied, "That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on it, that I found in your pants pocket."

Phil calmly explained, "Last week, when I was at the race track, Jenny was the name of the horse I bet on." The wife apologized and went on with the housework.

Three days later, Phil is watching TV when Barb hits him on the right side of his head with the same frying pan.

"Why in God's world, did you hit me this time?" Phil demanded!

Barb answered, "Your horse just phoned!"

----------------------------------------------------------------------
How did this one do?

Groanworthy! ;)

Boo......giggle

cough cough

*splutter*

Patient: Doctor, if I give up wine, women, and song, will I live longer?

Doctor: Not really. It will just seem longer.

*snicker*

patient:
Doc, will I be able to play the piano, after my surgery?

Doctor: Of course!

Patient: That's amazing, I never could before!

My aunt had heart surgery this week and afterwards was discussing with the surgeon the restrictions placed on her.

He told her that she could drive after she'd recovered for five weeks.

She thought that was great since she hadn't driven before the surgery.

An old lady at the bank asked me if I could help her check her balance. So I pushed her over.

#66

LOL, (no, I mean, I seriously laughed out loud!)

thanks, I needed that ;D

What do you call a woman with one leg?

Ilene.

He who stands on the toilet is high on pot.

Visual



Don't look at me; I blame her! :p

#66 I honestly lol'd, too.

From my latest FB update:

"I want someone to bottle body sweat and market it as a really bad perfume. They could call it 'Eau de Humanity'."

:)

ba da bump!

"I met a man the other day who said he hadn't had a bite in three days!"
" poor guy, what did you do?"
"I bit him"

#67, #71 - Haha, glad you liked it! Here's another one (a bit nasty though!):

Three nuns are sitting on a park bench. Then a man comes up and exposes himself to them. Two of them have a stroke. But the third one couldn't reach.

blegh!

First guy: Why did they want the igloo?
Next guy: I don't know. Maybe somebody must have broken their ig.

Tada!

Aargh!

The other day, on my way home, I heard a commercial listing symptoms I often experience, only to find out that the commercial was encouraging men to get checked for enlarged prostate.

When I got home, I texted my friend the following: "According to a commercial I heard on the radio, I have discovered that I have an enlarged prostate! Apparently, I've had 'penis envy' for years, and didn't realize it until it was too late."

well live and learn

Knock, knock
Who's there?
Amos
Amos who?
A mosquito

Knock, knock
Who's there?
Dwayne
Dwayne who?
Dwayne the baftub. I'm dwownding!

Knock, knock
Who's there?
Senor
Senor who?
I senor underpants!
hahahahahahh

From Not Always Related:

No Contracepticons
Home | Chicago, IL, USA | Siblings

(My brother and I have just spent two hours at the kitchen table assembling a Lego Transformers car with little Lego transformer figures.)

Me: “What happens when two Transformers have an accident in the back seat?”

Brother: “A smart car.”

Me: “That explains a lot, actually.”

(My mother just shakes her head.)

From a Facebook friend:

Darth Vader: Luke, I know what you are getting for Christmas.

Luke Skywalker: No, that's impossible!

Darth Vader: It is true. I have felt your presence.

We have in this library an oversized bound collection of Haper's Weekly. I opened to a random page dated April 12, 1862 and found an article called "Humors of the Day". Here are a couple of entries:

We deeply regret to hear that the incautious use of firearms has again resulted in a melancholy catastrophe. On Tuesday night last, Mr. Timothy O'Leary, of Ireland, but lately residing at No. 3½ Snitch Court, St. Giles's, hastily and in a fit of impecuniosity shot the moon, and the landlord is not likely to recover.

When the purse is empty, and the kitchen cold, then is the voice of flattery no longer heard.

Barry Cornwall says, "Come, let me dive into thine eyes." If his love had "swimming eyes," very good; but at all events, our advice to the young woman is, for divers reasons, don't let him do it. He might go over a "cataract."

The geological character of the rock on which drunkards split is said to be quartz.

And lastly...

Young ladies are like arrows - they are all in a quiver till the beaux come, and can't go off without them.

My father's favorite saying:
'I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous'

All over the bed we did roam
I swear from my mouth I did foam
I was just fit to pop
When we both had to stop..
As a voice said "Hey honey, I'm home!!"

It was a hot Saturday evening in the summer of 1957 and Fred had a date with Peggy Sue. He arrived at her house and rang the bell.
"Oh, come on in!" Peggy Sue's mother said as she welcomed Fred in.
"Have a seat in the living room. Would you like something to drink? Lemonade? Iced tea?"
"Iced tea, please," Fred said. Mom brought the iced tea.
"So, what are you and Peggy planning to do tonight?" she asked.
"Oh, probably catch a movie, and then maybe grab a bite to eat at the malt shop, maybe take a walk on the beach..."
"Peggy likes to screw, you know," Mom informed him.
"Uh...really?" Fred replied, with raised eyebrows.
"Oh, yes!" the mother continued. "When she goes out with her friends, that's all they do!"
"Is that so?" asked Fred, incredulous.
"Yes," said the mother. "As a matter of fact, she'd screw all night if > we let her!"
"Well, thanks for the tip," Fred said as he began thinking about alternative plans for the evening.
A moment later, Peggy Sue came down the stairs looking pretty as a picture wearing a pink blouse and full circle skirt, and with her hair tied back in a bouncy ponytail She greeted Fred.
"Have fun, kids," the mother said as they left.
Half an hour later, a completely dishevelled Peggy Sue burst into the house and slammed the front door behind her.
"The Twist, Mom!" she angrily yelled at her mother. "The damned dance is called the Twist!"

:D

XD

I laughed out loud.

That was great! LOLOLOLOL!

How can you tell when it's raining cats and dogs?

When you step into a poodle.

(Sorry!)

From my childhood (back in the dark ages).

Confuscious say:

Girl who spring on interspring this spring
Have offspring next spring.

Glad you liked it, can't take the credit though, that goes to my daft neighbours, this'll probably make you groan though....apologies in advance.

One day a hen goes into a library , scratches and flaps it's way to the desk, looks at the librarian and says

“Bok, Bok Bok,"

So the librarian gives it a book. The hen scratches it's way out with the book tucked under it's wing. The following day the hen returns with the book, drops it onto the desk and says "Bok, Bok, Bok" The librarian exchanges the book for another and again the hen flaps away with the book tucked under it's wing only to return the following day with the same 'request'.This time the librarian decides to follow the hen to find out where it goes with the book.

The hen with some difficulty walks quite a way with the heavy book tucked under it's wing, negotiates heavy traffic and busy pavements until eventually it comes to a house in a quiet street. The hen, followed by the now very curious librarian walks up the garden path and to the back of the house where it flaps it's way across a garden pond and exhausted, drops the book at the webbed feet of a huge frog that takes one look at the cover and says... “Redit, redit, redit!”

96 - Groanworthy indeed!

We've been doing this joke stuff so long I can't remember if this one has been here before or not. One of my school friends posted it on FB the other day.

Question: What do toilet paper and the starship, Enterprise have in common?

Answer: They both circle Uranus trying to find Klingons.

The shapely coed was undressing for the night when she noticed a puzzled look on her roommate's face.

"Do you know there's the impression of a large M on your stomach?" the roommate asked.

"My fiance's in town this weekend," confided the young coed: "and he likes to make love with his football-letter sweater on."

"Which school does he attend, Michigan or Minnesota?" questioned her friend.

"Neither," giggled the first girl. "He goes to Wisconsin."

＞97 That reminds me of the old joke:

Why did Spock build an outhouse on the moon?

He wanted to go where no man had gone before.

Did you know that Davy Crockett had three ears?

A left ear, a right ear, and a wild front ear.

ba da bing!

>MyopicBookworm, Hahahahahahaha..... That''s gona have me in 'intermittant bursts of chuckling all day now ...and everyone will be rolling their eyeballs at me,and telling me I'm madder than they thought :D

I want one of these timepieces...

When out on the town with your paramour, and the clock on the clubhouse wall says thump thump thump, push that hunk against the wall and growl, "Listen, buddy. I've got a condom in my pocket and I'm not afraid to use it. We're going home."

The school I went to was on land belonging to the Community of the Resurrection. The "tradesmen's entrance" to their monastery was close to the school library. Once a week the laundry service would arrive (in the middle of Latin class, which was held in the library) with a cheery yell of "Any dirty habits?"

For school-aged comedians:

Three kids who go to school are named Shutup, Poop, and Yourmanners. They were playing around and Poop fell off a fence. Shutup ran for help.
"What's your name?"
"Shutup."
"I asked you, what's your name?"
"Shutup."
"You are so rude. Where are your manners?"
"Over by the fence picking up Poop!"

So I phoned up the spiritual leader of Tibet.

He sent me a large goat with a long neck.

Turns out I'd phoned Dial-a-Llama.

PARAPROSDOKIANS (Winston Churchill loved them) are figures of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected; frequently humorous.

1. Where there's a will, I want to be in it.

2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list.

3. Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.

5. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

6. War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

8. They begin the evening news with 'Good Evening,' then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

9. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

10. Buses stop in bus stations. Trains stop in train stations. On my desk is a work station.

11. I thought I wanted a career. Turns out I just wanted paychecks.

12. In filling out an application, where it says, 'In case of emergency, notify:' I put 'DOCTOR.'

13. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

14. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

15. Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.

16. A clear conscience is the sign of a fuzzy memory.

17. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

18. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

19. There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.

20. I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure.

21. You're never too old to learn something stupid.

22. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

23. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

24. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

25. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

26. Where there's a will, there are relatives.

108- Me likey.

108...hahahahahahahahahahhaha, oh I needed that, thanks for the paraprosdokians.

I laughed outloud at #13, 17, and everything 20 on...

XD

I forwarded #10 and #17 to MrMorphy.

I forwarded it to my pun-loving dad - he's got to be a natural for paraprosdokians.

Nice.

I was reminded of another:

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

*muffled giggle* thanks MyopicBookworm

priceless!

Panda eats shoots and leaves. (Best said aloud)

In Aust. the Wombat eats, roots and leaves.

Did you hear about the guy who was addicted to brake fluid? He could stop any time he wanted to.

As the Zen master said to the hot dog vender:

"Make me one with everything."

When he received his hot dog, he asked the Vender, "Where is my change?"

And the Vender replied, "Change comes from within."

hahahahahha

I relish these hot dog jokes. I haven't heard them in awhile, so it's good to ketchup.

I'm trying to mustard a cute response, bun I can't seem to. Guess I'm not on a roll tonight.

It's been a long time since I sausage a funny joke.

{weener} *high five* {MerryMary}

The judge says to a double-homicide defendant: "You're charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer."

A voice at the back of the courtroom yells out: "You bastard!"

The judge says: "You're also charged with beating your mother-in-law to death with a hammer."

The voice in the back of the courtroom yells out: "You rotten bastard!"

The judge stops and says to the guy in the back of the courtroom: "Sir, I can understand your anger and frustration at these crimes, but no more outbursts from you or I'll charge you with contempt. Is that understood?"

The guy in the back of the court stands up and says: "I'm sorry, Your Honour, but for fifteen years, I've lived next door to that asshole and every time I asked to borrow a hammer, he said he didn't have one!"

126, that one made me laugh out loud.

this isn't a joke, but it's pretty funny:

I was looking up how hot to get the oil to fry chicken, so I did a google search how hot to fry chi... and the auto response filled in Children. It made me giggle.

#27 - Well, how hot does the oil need to be to fry children? Inquiring minds, and all that. *wanders off to build a gingerbread cottage*

tsk, tsk MrsLee

You made me smile with the thought of building gingerbread houses.

I'm enjoying this thread; only, it's the wee small hours of the morning, and I'm trying not to wake the whole household.

I'm living and teaching in Korea right now, and my foreign friends and I make up jokes that are puns in the Korean language.

For example:

Q: How often should you go to the post office?
A: Maeil. (Maeil = every day)

Q: How much does it cost to buy a house?
A: Cheep (cheep = house)

Q: How old is the oldest sailor?
A: Ship Man (Ship Man = 100,000)

Sometimes we tell these jokes to our students, and they just hate them. HATE them. But they hate them in the way that means they call over their friends to hear and beg me to tell more of them.

I'll say I'm sorry in advance. So bad...

My girlfriend came home from work in tears and asked me to console her. So I hit her over the head with my X-Box.

#132 ~~ Laughed out loud. Unfortunately, boss was walking by and wanted to know what was so funny. I couldn't ignore him, so I told him the truth: he was not amused. It doesn't matter, I still think it was funny.

THE TOILET SEAT

My wife had been after me for several weeks to paint the seat on our toilet.

Finally, I got around to doing it while she was out. After finishing, I left to take care of another matter before she returned.

She came in and undressed to take a shower. Before getting in the shower, she sat on the toilet. As she tried to stand up, she realized that the not-quite-dry epoxy paint had glued her to the toilet seat.

About that time, I got home and realized her predicament.

We both pushed and pulled without any success whatsoever. Finally, in desperation, I undid the toilet seat bolts. Julie wrapped a sheet around herself and I drove her to the hospital emergency room.

The ER Doctor got her into a position where he could study how to free her (Try to get a mental picture of this.).

She tried to lighten the embarrassment of it all by saying, "Well, Doctor, I'll bet you've never seen anything like this before."

The Doctor replied, "Actually, I've seen lots of them . . . I just never saw one mounted and framed."

(Warning: math joke ahead!)

Did you hear the one about the rancher who had 200 cattle?

He thought he only had 196 until he rounded them up.

A mathematician is a blind man in a dark room looking for a black cat which isn't there. (Charles R Darwin)

Cat Theorem:
A cat has nine tails.
Proof:
No cat has eight tails. A cat has one tail more than no cat. Therefore, a cat has nine tails.

OMG ~~ 136 ~~ That made perfect sense to me! Surely, I shouldn't be allowed to run about unattended!

Made sense to me too.;P

I think I need to lie down

"The trouble with quotes on the Internet is that you can never know if they are genuine." - Abraham Lincoln

>140 LunaticDruid: LOL!

I have a display with the quote of the day by my desk. Since I work with high schoolers (and because they're my favorite type) I usually have snarky quotes (think Mark Twain, Rita Rudner and Stephen Wright). If I posted that quote I wonder how many would get it.

I'm betting most would, but I want you to do it and tell us the results!

>140 LunaticDruid: That's awesome!

>144 madpoet:: I'm pretty sure that one's genuine. In fact, didn't he tweet it on Face Book?

> 145: Or was it on giggle+?

Q: What happened when the cannibal showed up really late for the company barbecue?
A: They gave him the cold shoulder.

I don't think I have posted this before, but if I have, please excuse me. It's funnier if you can say this fast.

Why are firetrucks red?

Because they have four men and three hoses.

Four times three is 12.

There are 12 inches in a ruler.

Queen Elizabeth is a ruler.

The Queen Elizabeth is a ship.

Ships float on the ocean.

Fish live in the ocean.

Fish have fins.

The Russians fought the Finns in 1905.

The color for Russia is red.

Fire trucks are always rushin' so they should be red too!

My wife left a note on the fridge door this morning.

"It's just not working. I can't take it anymore. I've gone to stay at my mom's."

I opened the fridge. The light came on, the food was fresh, the beer was cold. Honet to God, there're times I just don't understand that woman.

>149 pgmcc: This joke reminded me of that song they used to do on Hee Haw:
"Where, oh where, are you tonight?
Why did you leave me here all alone?
I searched the world over and I thought I found true love.
You met another and *raspberry* you were gone."

(And now I'll have it in my head all day. Groan.)

#150 mamzel ~~ is that the one Roy Clark used to sing that you thought was going to be soooooo sad, then after a telling pause he would sing "Thank God and Greyhound you're gone!"? I always laughed at that.

:-)

I don't remember that last line but it's a good one! I think as a kid, the raspberry was what made the ditty memorable for me.

Actual conversation with my husband today. Background: we were in the church kitchen getting ready for a fund raiser Italian dinner.

Him: I need you to go to the store.

Me: What do you need?

Him: Thyme

Me: I don't have a watch.

The kids in the room thought it was hilarious. I took a bow. I love puns and wordplays, but usually don't have the presence of mind to get one right away.

I'm in a bar, having a few drinks, when I realize I gotta take a leak. So I go into one of the restroom stalls, and moments later, the guy in the next stall, says "Hi. How's it going?" So, I go "Uhhh, all right."
A couple of seconds later he says, "What are ya doing tonight?" So, naturally I replied, "Just having' a couple of beers, and then I'm going home."
The next thing he says is, "Listen, I'll call you back later. There's an idiot in the next stall, answering everything I say."

LOL.

It has come to my attention that a bus stops at a bus station and a train stops at a train station. I have a workstation on my desk.

so the work stops there? hahahahah

#158 Well, it's all in the name!

How about a gas station? We have a serious energy crisis. :-P

If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?

If a doctor eats an apple a day, does he become schizophrenic?

Schizophrenia...better than dining alone.

Snort!!

I was cured of schizophrenia, but where am I now that I need me?

(Proviso: I do know what schizophrenia is really about, but "multiple personality disorder" doesn't roll off the tongue when telling a joke.)

Hey, do you know who I bumped into at SpecSavers?

Everybody!

Knock, knock

Who's there?

Armageddon

Armageddon who?

Armageddon out of here !

Knock, knock.

Who's there?

Emerson.

Emerson who?

Emerson nice boobs you have there.

Second-most-hated explorer: Columbus
Foremost-hated explorer: IE

#168 lol!

Just in time for Thanksgiving:

Knock knock
Who's there?
Odette.
Odette who?
Odettes one big turkey.

It feels like it's missing something...

"Odettes one big turkey, eh?"

Sorry, pulling in some of my Yooperisms.

I was looking through my CDs last evening trying to fine my Cure albums. They were nowhere to be seen but I did fing my collection of Placebo albums. I think they are just as good.

I get it!

172 - *groans* *grins*

A seasonal Bad Joke (ancient, but I still like it).

Some time in the Middle Ages, not a million miles from the north-facing slopes of the Alps, there was a poor Knight whose life's work was riding around doing Good Deeds. He was so poor that he couldn't afford a horse, and so he rode a large St. Bernard dog. One day about this time of year there was a mighty storm -- thunder, lightning, hail, snow, the works. Just as the knight realized he really needed to look for shelter if he intended to survive, he spotted an inn. A few minutes later he blew in the front door on a flurry of snowflakes. Alas! Alack! and well away! The place was full to overflowing. There was No Room at the Inn. Sadly, he turned to leave and brave the elements, but just before he reached the door the receptionist called him back. And offered to make a plan that involved the knight sleeping on the kitchen table, as the only place they had. He accepted gladly. "But what", he asked "brought on this sudden change of heart?"
"Well", said the receptionist, gesturing at the knight's steed, " I couldn't let a knight out on a dog like this!"

grooooaaan! lol

Why doesn't Santa have any kids?

He only comes once a year.

What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?

Frostbite

One particular Christmas season a long time ago, Santa was getting ready for is annual trip, but there were problems everywhere. Four of his elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule. Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her mom was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where. More stress.

Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked, and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys. So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum.

When he went to the cupboard, he discovered that the elves had hidden the liquor, and there was nothing to drink. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider pot, and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw end of the broom.

Just then the doorbell rang, and irritable Santa trudged to the door. He opened the door, and there was a little angel with a great Christmas tree.

The angel said, very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't it a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?"

Thus began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree

*does a little tap dance off the stage* TADA

178> I like that one!

Oh my. Horrible. So horrible they are delightful.

Absolutely terrible :-D

Another horror for you:

When Jonah was halfway down the whale's gullet, the noises ahead resolved themselves into a human voice. Not only that, it was singing.

"... We le'n sefyll yw a enw
Caf ei weledd heb yn llen ..." (spelling approximate)

In due course he met the singer, who turned out to be one Dai Jones of Abertawe. Jonah, naturally, wanted to know how anybody could think of singing in such dire straits. The answer?

"But Jonah bach, we always sing in Wales!"

*runs for cover*

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH

:D

Then there was the constipated mathematician who worked it out with a pencil...

oooowwwwww!

and eewwwwwww!

A Dutch friend e-mailed me this one today, and it's too awful not to share:

Five surgeons at a medical conference were in the pub discussing what makes the Best Patient.

The surgeon from New York said the best patient was an accountant, because when you open them up all the parts are numbered.

The surgeon from Chicago said the best patient was an electrician, because when you open them up all the parts are color-coded.

The surgeon from Boston said the best patient was a librarian, because when you open them up all the parts are in alphabetical order.

The surgeon from California said that the best patient was a builder, because they understand when there's parts left over afterwards.

The surgeon from Washington DC said the best patient was a politician: no brain, no heart, no balls, no spine and the head and a$$ are completely interchangeable.

>187 hfglen: *snorts*

>187 hfglen: Funny!

! ROFL!
I'll be telling that one.

Good One!!!!

The truth is always funny.

I saved some Christmas cracker jokes for you (which have just surfaced). Aren't I kind?

1 - What do you get if you cross a sheep with a kangaroo?

2 - What do you call a crate of ducks?

3 - What do acrobats like to drink?

4 - How do you keep cool at a football match?

5 - Why did the chewing gum cross the road?

6 - Why did the jockey take his saddle to bed?

1 - A wooly jumper.

2 - A box of quackers.

3 - Anything in a tumbler.

4 - You stand next to a fan.

5 - Because it was stuck to the chicken.

6 - In case he had nightmares.

I don't write them, folks!

:)

I love #5!!

Alert!!! Really poor taste, bad joke ahead

Q: why did the little boy drop his ice cream?
A: cause he got hit by a truck.

Special for @Scaifea (are you still there, Amber?)

A group of Oxford dons were dining in their college. One of their number ordered a bottle of Hock to go with the meal. Another muttered under his breath 'hic haec hoc'. The meal progressed but the wine did not materialise. Eventually the don who'd ordered it called the waiter over and asked after the missing liquid. 'But sir', said the waiter, 'you declined the hock!'

*snork*

Like that one!

I don't get it....?

No, nor did he.

I'm sorry I hurt your feelings when I called you stupid.

I thought you already knew.

>201 pollysmith:: The declensions of hic ...

#198 This is one of the few times I have felt the benefit of the Latin classes I had to attend at school.

I wonder if the originator of the knock-knock jokes won a no-bell prize.

My son told me there are 10 types of people in the world: Those that understand the binary system and those that don't.

Correction, there are 3 types of people in the world, those that can count and those that can't.

Do you want to hear a joke about Sodium?

Na!

H, He.

Sixteen sodiums, Batman.

A small piece of sodium which lived in a test tube fell in love with a Bunsen burner.
"Oh Bunsen, my flame. I melt whenever I see you. . . ", the sodium pined.
"It`s just a phase you`re going through", replied the Bunsen burner.

A conversation between two atoms:

"I think I lost an electron."
"Are you positive?"

What do you do with a dead chemist?
- Barium

If money doesn't grow on trees, why do banks have branches?

(from today's paper)

I was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist. I noticed his DDS diploma on the wall which bore his full name. Suddenly, I remembered a tall, handsome, dark-haired boy with the same name had been in my high school class some 30-odd years ago. Could he be the same guy that I had a secret crush on way back then?

Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought. This balding, gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was way too old to have been my classmate.

After he examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended Morgan Park High School. “Yes. Yes, I did. I’m a Mustang,” he gleamed with pride.

“When did you graduate?” I asked.

He answered, “in 1975. Why do you ask?” “You were in my class!” I exclaimed.

He looked at me closely.

Then, that ugly,

old,

balding,

wrinkled-faced,

fat-assed,

gray-haired,

decrepit son-of-a-bitch asked

“What did you teach?”

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked the boat up to the van and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back; now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."

My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"

And that's how the fight started...

216 - LOL! That's way too good for this thread!

For Christmas 2011 I bought my mother-in-law a cemetry plot. In 2012 I did not buy her anything for Christmas.

On Christmas day she challenged me and asked why I hadn't bought her a present.

I said, "Well hey, you never used the present I got you last year!"

A man on his Harley was riding along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, God said, "Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."

The biker pulled over and said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want."

God replied, "Your request is materialistic; think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required reaching the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind."

The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said, "God, I wish that I, and all men, could understand women; I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, why she snaps and complains when I try to help, and how I can make a woman truly happy."

God replied: "You want two lanes or four on that bridge...?"

Jenni and pgmcc, you have taken this thread to a new level of "good" rather than bad, but I love it. Sure need the chuckles you've offered this morning! Thanks. :)

A boy asked his grandfather why dogs were always sniffing each other's tails. The grandfather had this explanation:

A long time ago, dogs went to church just like people. When they came into dog church, they hung their tails on a hook by the door, like men do when they take off their hats in people church.

One day, a fire broke out in dog church. All the dogs ran out of church, and in the commotion, they just grabbed the first tail off the hooks by the door. After the fire was out, all the dogs discovered that they had gotten the wrong tail.

And so that's why dogs sniff each others' tails...they're still looking for their own tail.

#221 glad I was able to help; you've certainly brightened many of my days :o)

News is that Vauxhall, Austin, Jaguar etc. will only be making pink cars from this coming Thursday. they want to make Britain a pink-car nation.

After repeating that a couple of times, I got it! Ha!

Slightly (very slightly) risqué story from tonight's paper:

The Essex Express and Star reports that a woman has sued her local hospital, saying that since her husband was treated there recently he has lost all interest on sex. The hospital's response:
"The husband was admitted to the Opthalmology Unit. All we did was correct his eyesight."

#226 OUCH!

A little old man was escorted into the witness box. He was sworn in and asked by the lawyer to explain what happened. After a lengthy discussion of the events leading up to the incident he finally got around to the meat of the case: ‘And then she hit me with a maple leaf.’
‘A maple leaf? Surely that couldn’t have caused you any serious injury,’ said the lawyer.

‘Are you kidding?’ exclaimed the old man. ‘It was the leaf from the centre of our dining room table.’

What did one oar say to the other?
"Can I interest you in a little row-mance?

Dear Math,I am not a therapist. Solve your own problems.

Patient: Doctor, do you have the results of my tests?

Doc: Well, I have bad news and worst news.

Patient: What's the bad news?

Doc: You only have 24 hours to live.

Patient: What could be worst??

Doc: I couldn't get ahold of you yesterday.

Not sure if this belongs here or among the fabs and foils.

Someone wrote to our local knock-and-drop to complain about a shoddy performance at a local 'tourist attraction'. The management replied with the entirely predictable several column inches of self-serving guff, but the ending was classic:
"... and I would like to offer your reader a complimentary fear factor lunch. This is an exciting lunch in one of our crocodile enclosures."
And presumably a good way of disposing of those tiresome customers who complain?

233 - I've often had the thought that our hotel missed out on a good opportunity when they neglected to install a drop door in the floor in front of the desk. One with an alligator pit beneath it. Ah well.

The local butcher has the wurst intentions.

Did you hear where the same butcher backed into his mincer? He got behind in all his orders!

My five-year-old bombarded me with jokes from his joke book last week, and expected some from me. In desperation, I even made one up.

What insect weighs a ton and has a point on its nose?

A flynoceros.

Not bad (hee hee).

*groan*

Made me laugh, though.

PMS jokes aren't funny. Period.

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I can't put it down.

◦Did you hear about the fire at the circus?
◦It was in tents.

My son has just bought another joke book :( At least it inspired me to make another one up:

Q How do you stop a mad bull from charging?

A Switch the charger off.

Take away his credit card!

Send him to a bear market.

(MyopicBookworm, I think you may have started something here.)

#243: Yes, that's what the joke book said. My son doesn't really know what a credit card is, but he knows about charging phones.

How do you stop a bull from charging? you don't hahaha

How about the farmer who let people cross his field for free, but the bull charges.

or take out the batteries. hahahahaha

I must be a lunatic tonight

Ah just shoot it. It can't charge (in any fashion) if it's dead.

As an author I sometimes take criticism too seriously. Sometimes I even break the golden rule and respond to them. It can go badly.

Case in point I recently replied in writing to a criticism: and this is what I wrote.

Dear Sir,

I am seated in the smallest room of the house with your critique of my book before me. Soon it will be behind me.

Yours sincerely - etc.

Do you think he'll buy the sequel?

A guy walks into a bar and says, "OW!"

228 reminded me of one so
old that it may be new to some:

An Appalachian lady was in court as a character witness for her husband, the defendant.
No sooner had she sat in the witnesss stand, than
the judge (who was on a first name basis with both of them) shouted:
"Sally Mae, git off that thar witness stand! Didn't nobody ever tell you that a wife ain't allowed to be in the witness stand for her husband? (Fur as that goes, nor against him, neither!).
Sally Mae dutifully stood up but then looked around in confusion, and said,
"Awright, but yer honor whar AM I supposed to go?
With an impatient sigh, the judge replied:
"Git back whar ye came from: in that thar jury box!"

A grief therapist is trying to soothe a distraught widow:

"There, there! Just try to think of the last thing your husband said before he died."

The widow dried her tears. "I remember that clearly. He said, 'Stop trying to scare me, Elaine. You couldn't hit the broad side of a barn with that gun!' "

Doctor (who suspects that his patient is an alcoholic, but doesn't want to come on strong with anti-drinking advice): Have you considered cutting down on -- you know-- on the old "wine-women-and-song"?

Patient: Matter fact, I have, doctor! The past week I've hardly done any singing!

& one, about a more forthright M.D., that would be funny if it wasn't so true:

Doctor: Don't you realize that drinking is slow suicide?

Patient: That's ok, doctor. I'm in no hurry.

And the case of the mis-placed emphasis:

Wife: What's the idea of coming home half-drunk?

Husband (possibly the
patient of the above story):
I ran out of money!

Joe: Do you talk to your wife after sex?
Dan: Depends on whether I can find the phone.

Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, "My name is Tom and I'm an alcoholic?"

One more...

A man walks into a bar and orders a shot of whiskey then looks into his pocket. He does this over and over again. Finally, the bartender asks why he orders a shot of whiskey and afterwards look into his pocket. The man responded, "I have a picture of my wife in there and when she starts to look good then i'll go home."

OK, one more...

You say alcoholic, I'll say alcohol enthusiast

Really, last call...
It's true alcohol kills people, but how many are born because of it?

My 6 year-old grandson asked me why the nose was sad.

Because he didn't get picked.

Apparently my "ew" reaction was the funniest thing that ever happened. He laughed for 5 minutes.

I love it MerryMary!

A few more:

1. How do you make a jacket last?

2. Why was 6 afraid of 7?

3. What does an angry kangaroo do?

4. What happened to the hyena who swallowed a stock cube?

5. What's a pilot's favourite flavour of crisps?

1. Make the trousers first.

2. Because 7 8 9.

3. Get hopping mad.

4. He made a laughing stock of himself.

5. Plain.

From my son's Canadian joke book:

Q. You're may be Canadian in the kitchen, but what are you in the bathroom?

A. European

And you could be Russian on the way there. (This last bit courtesy of my BIL.)

Ok, you have to have a mental picture of this one.

You have a brothel. There is someone waiting to go in, someone inside and someone leaving, and someone else across the street. What nationality are they?

The one waiting to go in is Russian. The one inside is Himalayan and the one leaving is Finnish. The guy across the street is a {favorite ethnic slur} waiting for the light to change.

Two drums and a cymbal fall from a cliff.

duh dum chah

". . . (Insert your) favorite ethnic slur. . ." (261)

Iʻve decided that MOST ethnic jokes have interchangeable ethnicities; you can hear one today starring one ethnic group, and the same joke tomorrow starring a different ethnicity. And tomorrowʻs rendition will be just as funny (or more likely just as unfunny as todayʻs). A very small number really HAVE to
be about the ethnicity that the narrator is using, to make any sense.

What do you call a Hispanic Penguin ?

Peng-Juan

Sven and Olie kind of have to be scandanavian.

All purpose ethnic joke (a la 263)

Definitions from
a _________ *Medical Dictionary:

urine: = "You won the election!"

node: = "realized"; "was aware of"

*Supply your own choice of ethnicity. If you're from the U. S. Mainland, it's not the one you probably think.

Someone gave me a copy How to Speak Southern many years ago. I was surprised when I read it, because on more than one occasion I said, "I thought EVERYONE spoke that way!"

The past, the present and the future walked into a bar. It was tense.

There was the patriotic Capetonian called Bosch, who named his three daughters Stella, Ronda and Kirsten.

(You may need to use Google Earth to "get" this.)

I think it was MrsLee who commented on balky computers a couple of weeks ago and stirred this memory.

Of the very first desktop computer my Institute owned -- so long ago that even the operating system was in BASIC, so each user could and did introduce their own personal tweaks. Unfortunately the colleague who discovered it could play tunes didn't get around to installing his. Which was to replace the error beep with a couple of bars of Greensleeves.
Why Greensleeves?
The first two lines are (slightly modified)
"Alas, my love, you do me wrong,
To use me thus discourteously."

Pity that's not standard, methinks.

Hi,

There once was a well respected priest who was in the habit of taking an early morning stroll by the nearby river bank.

And one day as he was taking in the air by the river he did hear a piteous cry coming from the reeds. "Help me!"

Naturally the prist was shocked and inclined to help, but he couldn't see who had called. Not untill he called upon him a second time and he realised that the cry was coming from a frog sitting on the bank.

The prist was of course curious and bent down to find out what was happening, thinking that the Lord had chosen an unusual messenger to speak with him. But alas he discovered as the frog told him of his sorry tale, it was not the lord sending him a message at all. It was an evil wizard.

The frog you see had once been a simple farm boy, minding his own business and doing no wrong when an evil wizard had transformed him into a frog. But as with all spells there was a way to break it, one that the wizard had clearly believed could never happen. He simply had to spend twenty four hours in the company of a good man. But what man would suffer a frog to be with him for a whole day?

Unfortunately for the wizard the priest was such a man, and so he scooped him up in his hand and placed him in his pocket as he went abour the rest of his day's activities.

So as he ate his breakfast the frog was there on the table beside him. As he gave his morning sermon the frog sat there on the pulpit in front of him. When he visited his parishioners the frog was with him. Even that night when he retired the frog was there on the cushion beside him. The priest was a true an noble soul.

An in the morning when he awoke it was to discover that the curse had indeed been lifted and the frog was no longer, but instead in his place was the innocent farm boy.

It was at that exact moment as he gazed upon the Lord's will that the cleaner walked in.

And that my Lord, ladies and gentlemen of the jury, shall be the case for the defence!

Cheers, Greg.

Well, you got me Greg...never saw it coming...lol

Here's one for you.

One day after a very long mass, the two priests decided to hit the showers, halfway through there showers the priests realized that there was no soap.

So, father Ray says to Father dick "I have extra soap in my room, I'll go get some".

So he leaves to fetch the soap and doesn't bother to get dressed becuase who would still be in the church at such a late hour? So he comes back from his room with two bars of soap and is walking down the hall when suddenly he hears voices coming around the corner, so with his quick thinking he froze to the wall, stiff as a statue.

The voices turned out to be that of three nuns, who, when saw him standing there like a statue stopped to look at and admire him complimenting at how realistic he looks and what a nice body he has.

When suddenly one of the nuns reaches out and grabbed his penis.

Startled, he dropped a bar of soap, with this the nun said "Oh look, a soap dispencer", wanting to test the first nuns theory the second nun reaches out and also grabs his penis, again he drops a bar of soap.

With this the nun says "Yes it's true, it is a soap dispencer".

Wanting to get her share of soap and excitement too, the third nun reaches out and grabs his penis.

But nothing happended for he was all out of soap, so she goes on yanking and pulling his penis for the next few minutes until, to her delight, she squeals "Oh! Look, handcream!"

Two of those same nuns were walking down the street the other day when a streaker jumped out in front of them. One of the nuns immediately had a stroke, but the other refused to touch it.

Two nuns were scrubbing a floor on a hot day. They remarked how hot it was, especially in their habits. Knowing that no would be coming by, they decided to strip down and scrub naked.

After a while there was a knock at the door. "Who is it?" called one of the nuns.

"Blind man," was the answer. The two nuns looked at one another, and thought, "He is blind. He cannot see us." so the older nun got up and opened the door.

The man walked in and said, "Which window gets the new blinds? Hey, nice boobs!"

A nun lived in a tall tower, high above a small village. A stranger came one day and asked a local man, "I hear there is a nun who lives in the tower up there. Is she a Carmelite, Benedictine or Dominican nun?"

The man answered, "Actually, she's nun of the above."

Oh, that's bad.

Which reminds me of the traveller who sought and found emergency accommodation in a monastery some time ago. On a Friday. But lo! the fish and chips at supper was excellent in all its parts, so much so that he went to the kitchen afterwards to convey his congratulations to the chef. A resident in a brown habit asked what he wanted, and on being told replied

"You want the fish friar; I'm only the chip monk."

#278

I like that one!

Oh heaven help me for this one....

A train hits a bus load of nuns and they all perish. They are all in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates past St. Peter.
He asks the first nun, ''Sister Karen, have you ever had any contact with a penis?''
The nun giggles and slyly replies, ''Well once I touched the head of one with the tip of my finger.''
St. Peter says, ''OK, dip the tip of your finger in the holy water and pass through the gate.''
St. Peter asks the next nun the same question, ''Sister Elizabeth have you ever had any contact with a penis?''
The nun is a little reluctant but replies ''Well once I fondled and stroked one.''
St. Peter says ''OK, dip your whole hand in the holy water and pass through the gate.''
All of a sudden, there is a lot of commotion in the line of nuns, one nun is pushing her way to the front of the line.
When she reaches the front of the line St. Peter says ''Sister, Sister what seems to be the rush?!
''The nun replies, ''If I'm going to have to gargle that holy water, I want to go before Sister Mary sticks her ass in it!"

Hi,

Oh dear God!!!

You shall indeed go to hell for that joke!!! (And I will probably go there for laughing at it!)

Cheers, Greg.

Mother Superior gathered her 100 nuns together.

"Today, I have terrible news to report. One of our Sisters has been meeting a man!"

99 nuns gasped! And one nun went, "Tee hee hee!"

"And furthermore, it's been brought to my attention that this Sister has had carnal relations with that man!"

99 nuns gasped! And one nun went, "Tee hee hee!"

Mother Superior went on: "And I have it on good authority that there was a hole in the condom!"

One nun gasped! And 99 nuns went, "Tee hee hee!"

#282 you have reminded me of the girl who went to confession.

"Father, I have sinned."

"How have you sinned my child?"

"I made love with to boyfriend three times last week."

"Hmm! Well, for your penance eat three fresh lemons."

"If I do that, Father, will my sins be forgiven?"

"No, but at least it will wipe that damned smile off your face!"

Q: What is hard and pink when it goes in and soft and wet when it comes out?
A: Bubblegum you dirty minded pervert!

Q: What's pink and wrinkly and hangs out your underwear?

A: Your grandmother.

One pay day, Mr. Goodbar wanted to Skor.

So he took Miss Hershey to the Pot of Gold Motel on the corner of Aero and Fifth Avenue to show her some Twix.

He began to feel her Mounds that were pure Almond Joy.

It made her Tootsie Roll, and made him want to Eatmore.

This is Wonderbar!

He let out a Snicker as his Butterfinger went up her Kit Kat and caused a MilkyWay.

She screamed "Oh Henry", as she grabbed his Big Turk and squeezed his M & M's.

Miss Hershey said; "You are even better than the Three Musketeers".
To which Mr. Goodbar replied, "When you're this big they call you Mr. Big".
Soon she was a bit Chunky and nine months later she had a Baby Ruth

I don't know if I'll ever eat a candy bar again. :P

>287 olive_spread: That's a good one. You should do a search for the story of Miss Polly Nomial. Similar but uses mathematical terms.

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young student nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath.

"Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."

He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?"

Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles
gently in the other.

She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look fine."

The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen very, very closely:

Are - my - test - results - back?"

Little Miss Polly Nomial: a Mathematical Fable

Once upon a time (1/t), pretty little Polly Nomial was strolling across a field of vectors when she came to the edge of a singularly large matrix.

Now Polly was convergent and her mother had made it an absolute condition that she must never enter such an array without her brackets on. Polly, however, who had changed her variables that morning and was feeling particularly badly behaved, ignored this condition on the grounds that it was insufficient, and made her way in amongst the complex elements.

Rows and columns enveloped her on all sides. Tangents approached her surface. She became tensor and tensor. Suddenly two branches of a hyperbola touched her at a single point. She oscillated violently, lost all sense of direction, and went completely divergent. As she reached a turning point she tripped over a square root that was protruding from the erf, and she plunged headlong down a steep gradient. When she was differentiated once more, she found herself, apparently alone, in a non-Euclidean space.

She was being watched, however. That smooth operator, Curly Pi, was lurking inner product. As he numerically analyzed her, his eyes devoured her curvilinear coordinates, and a singular expression crossed his face. Was she still convergent, he wondered. He decided to integrate improperly at once.

Hearing a common fraction behind her, Polly rotated and saw Curly approaching her with his power series expanding. She could see by his degenerate conic that he was up to no good.

"What a symmetric little polynomial you are," he said. "I can see that your angles have lots of secs."

"Oh sir," she protested, "keep away from me. I haven't got my brackets on."

"Calm yourself, my dear", said our suave operator. "Your fears are purely imaginary."

"I, i," she thought. "Perhaps he's homogeneous."

"What order are you?" the brute demanded.

"Seventeen," replied Polly.

"I suppose you've never been operated on?"

"Of course not," Polly cried indignantly. "I'm absolutely convergent."

"Come, come," said Curly. "Let's go off to a decimal place, and I'll take you to the limit!"

"Never!" gasped Polly.

"Abscissa!" he swore, using the vilest oath he knew. His patience was gone. Coshing her over the head with a log until she was powerless, Curly removed her discontinuities. He stared at her significant places and began smoothing her points of inflection. Poor Polly. She felt his hand tending to her asymptotic limit. Her convergence would soon be gone forever.

There was no mercy, for Curly was a heavyside operator. Curly's radius squared itself. Polly's loci quivered. He integrated by parts. He integrated by partial fractions. After he cofactored, he performed Runge-Kutta on her. The complex beast even went all the way around and did a contour integration. Curly went on operating until he satisfied her hypothesis, then he exponentiated and became completely orthogonal.

When Polly got home that night her mother noticed that she was no longer piecewise continuous, but had been truncated in several places. As the months went by, Polly's denominator increased monotonically. Finally she went to l'Hospital and generated a small but pathological function which left little surds all over the place and drove Polly to deviation.

The moral of the story is, "If you want to keep your expressions convergent, never allow them a single degree of freedom."

#290 I laughed out loud.

291...way over my pea brain...but I know clever when I see it.

I found this website of jokes made up by children that didn't make the cut for a real kids' joke site:

http://badkidsjokes.tumblr.com

So many laughs.

Examples:

why did tom and jerry get married
Because tom was a boy and jerry was a boy and they were strong as a toliet.

why did the cow poo on the man?
a man has a toilet but a cow dose’nt. so a man is a cows toilet

Q. Why did your mum not go to the bank?
A. Because she had no underpants on

Sound like the ones my 4 year old makes up, and we have to pretend to be amused at. ;0)

Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died. He quickly phoned his best friend, Finney.

'Did you see the paper?' asked Gallagher. 'They say I died!!'

'Yes, I saw it!' replied Finney. 'Where are ye callin' from?'

Good one, Jim!

Two cows are standing in a field.

One says, "Moo!"

The other says, "You bastard! I was going to say that!"

Emma Sue died during the night, and her husband Buddy called 911. The 911 operator told Buddy that she would send someone out right away. "Where do you live?" asked the operator.

Buddy replied, "At the end of Eucalyptus Drive." The operator asked, "Can you spell that for me?"

There was a long pause and finally Buddy said, "How 'bout if I just drag her over to Oak Street."

Buddy is a man after my own heart!

I knew someone who lived on Eucalyptus Drive!

>300 mamzel:: So it's a true story, then!

A man who's been skipping church for years is having trouble finding a parking space, and he's late for an appointment. After driving around the block a couple of times he's feeling desperate. Raising his eyes to heaven he pleads, "Oh lord, just find me a parking space, and I'll go to church every week for the rest of my life!" Almost immediately a woman backs out of a space right in front of him. Casting his eyes upward briefly, he says, "Never mind, I found one."

302--Good one! Maybe I'll have my husband put that one into the church bulletin!

non goers will use any excuse

There was a young curate of Kew
Who kept his tom cat in a pew
He taught it to speak
Alphabetical Greek
But couldn't get further than µ.

GRIN

There was an old man of Peru
Who dreamt he was eating his shoe
He awoke in the night
with a terrible fright
and found it was perfectly true!

(I like this because while the three lines rhyme, they are not spelled alike.)

In that case, Arctic, you may like:

There was a young curate of Salisbury
Whose habits were halisbury-scalisbury.
He ran around Hampshire
Without any pampshire
Till his vicar told him to walisbury.

(The old name for Salisbury is Sarum, and the abbreviation for Hampshire is Hants. If anyone was lost first time round, read it again with this in mind.)

It took a few times but....snort!

A librarian, a mongoose, and an atheist walk into a bar. The bartender asks "Is this a joke?"

LOL!

Did you hear about the Irish man who walked out of a bar?

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It could happen.

Urrrggghhh! I am repaid for the curate of Salisbury.

Do you know the noted non-rhyming limerick? No doubt various versions exist, but my Dad's was

There was an old man up a tree
Who was terribly stung by a wasp
When they said "Does it hurt?"
He replied "No, it doesn't.
I'm so glad it wasn't a hornet."

(It is a parody of one of Edward Lear's originals:

There was an Old Man in a tree,
Who was horribly bored by a bee.
When they said "Does it buzz?"
He replied "Yes, it does!
It's a regular brute of a bee!")

There was an old man* who said "Hush!
I perceive a young bird in this bush."
When they said, "Is it small?"
He replied, "Not at all!"
It is four times as big as the bush!"

*doesnʻt have to be "Old", metrically, but he
is in most versions. Thanks for the capitals
in 314. Iʻve seen an illlustration of this Lear limerick in which the old man is
pointing to a bush, which actually does have a bird which is 4 times as big as the bush, and yet (more or less) "in" it (?!)

(In my defence, I got this one from a Jewish neighbour when I was a teen.)

Abie and Hymie were successful businessmen near retirement, and decided to treat themselves to a hunting safari. So they bought all the trimmings and set off for East Africa. And for a week thank G*d they didn't see anything. Then one day Hymie suddenly felt something jump on his back.
Hymie: Abie! Abie! What I've got on my back?!
Abie: So I'm a furrier I must know what you've got on your back?

I was waiting for someone else to do it but nobody else did. So I did. And it was baaaaaaad.

http://www.librarything.com/topic/155162