Bad Joke of the Day III

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'

I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'

The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

A wonderful beginning. :)

Eye halve a spelling chequer
It came with my pea sea
It plainly marques four my revue
Miss steaks eye kin knot sea

Eye tap a quay and type a word
And weight four it two say
Weather eye am wrong oar rite
it shows me strait a weigh

Ass soon as a mist ache is maid
It nose bee fore two long
And eye can putt the error rite
Its rare lea ever wrong

Eye have run this poem threw it
I am shore your please two no
It's letter perfect awl the weigh
My chequer tolled me sew

Alas, the spell checker poem is too true.

brilliant!

The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

A backward poet writes inverse.

In a democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.

When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you'd be in Seine.

Taken from Church Bulletins:

This afternoon there will be a meeting in the North and South ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.

Tuesday at 7:30 p.m. there will be an Ice Cream Social. All ladies giving milk please come early.

Wednesday the Ladies' Literary Society will meet and Mrs. Jones will sing "Put me in my little bed" accompanied by the Reverend.

Thursday at 7:00 p.m. there will be a meeting of the little Mothers' Club. All those wishing to become little mothers will please meet the minister in his study.

This being Easter Sunday we will ask Mrs. Smith to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.

The service will close with "Little Drops of Water", one of the ladies will quietly start and the rest of the congregation will join in.

On Sunday a special collection will be taken up to defray expenses of a new carpet. Will all those wishing to do something on the carpet please come forward and get a piece of paper.

A preacher had just finished explaining to a group of children in Sunday School that Jesus was the key to getting to heaven and the importance of asking him into their heart.

To test whether the lesson was learned he asked, "What do you need to get to heaven?"

The brave boy who answered boldly said, "You need to be dead."

Paul Newman founded the Hole in the Wall Gang Camp for children stricken with cancer, AIDS, and blood diseases. One afternoon, he and his wife, Joanne Woodward, stopped by to have lunch with the kids.

A counselor at a nearby table, suspecting the young patients wouldn't know Newman was a famous movie star, explained, '"That's the man who made this camp possible.

Maybe you've seen his picture on his salad dressing bottle?" Blank stares. "Well, you've probably seen his face on his lemonade carton." An eight-year-old girl perked up. "How long was he missing?"

True story. We hired a new secretary and the first church bulletin she typed she left the "g" off of the hymn title, "Come Christians, Join to Sing."

True story. I was getting my kindergartners geared to start checking out books. One of my rules was they must be able to tell me their first and last name. One little boy couldn't remember his name. I prompted him, "Are you Juan?" He looked puzzled, and said, "No, I'm five."

A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, 'I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.'

Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says 'Dam!'

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, 'I've lost my electron.' The other says 'Are you sure?' The first replies, 'Yes, I'm positive.'

Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.

There was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.

Another true story. When my youngest was in Preschool they were learning their addresses. When it was my son's turn he told them the town that he lived in. The teacher then asked him what street and he told her that he didn't live in the street, we had a house.

Sunday school teacher: "We were put on this earth to help others."

Little kid: "What were the others put here for?"
~~~~
Newly arrived preacher is stunned that people all speak badly of deceased. He asks, "Can anyone say something positive?"

Voice: "His brother was worse!"

A man died, and before the funeral his brother showed up in the pastor's office.

"Preacher," he said, "at the funeral, I want you to say my brother is a saint in your remarks."

"I can't do that," said the pastor. "It would be an outright lie. You know what your brother was like."

"Look, preacher, I own the bank that holds the note on your mortgage. If you don't say my brother is a saint, we will call the note, and drive you out of business."

So at the funeral, the pastor says, "The deceased was a known womanizer. He drank like a fish, and was a crooked businessman. He abandoned his wife and family. But compared to his brother, he was a saint."

Just marking the thread - I lost it for a while.

There was a Norwegian immigrant who worked hard all his life on his North Dakota farm. He had saved all his money and was a real miser.

Just before he died, he told his beautiful Norwegian wife, “When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money into the afterlife with me.”

He got his wife to promise him, with all her heart, that she would put all of the money into the casket with him when he died.

When he died, he was stretched out in the casket. His wife was sitting there all dressed in black. Her best friend was sitting next to her.

When they finished the funeral and just before the casket was closed, the wife exclaimed, “Wait just a moment!”

She has a small metal box with her, and she came over with the box and placed it in the casket.

The undertaker locked the casket and rolled it away. Her astonished friend said, “Girl, I know you are not fool enough to put all that money in there with your husband!”

The loyal wife replied, “Listen, I am a Norwegian Lutheran and I cannot go back on my word. I promised him that I was going to put that money in the casket with him.”

“You mean to tell me you really did put that money in the casket with him?”

“I sure did, replied the wife, I got it all together and put it into my account. I wrote him a check. If he can cash it, he can spend it!

WARNING - RUDE JOKE FOLLOWS!

A man walks into a bar, accompanied by a stork and a cat. The mans says to the barman: "Three beers please, and the cat's paying". The cat says: "Sod off, I'm not buying any beer".

The man, the stork and the cat drink the beers, and the man then orders three more beers, again saying that the cat will pay. The cat once more refuses.

"Okay", says the barman, "what's the story?"

"Well", says the man, "this morning my fairy godmother appeared and granted me one wish. So I asked for a bird with long legs and a tight pussy ...".

#18 Great!

"May I have more, sir/ma'am?"

>20 skittles:. I see we have a twist on the regular thread posts here.

#21: Let's just say that I need a joke... badly.....

what did the green grape say to the purple grape?

BREATHE! you IDIOT!

Love it, Polly.

a good bad joke.

thanks, Polly.

thanks go to my daughter MEM_82 who is so pregnant she's about to burst!

A 38-year-old man, unidentified in news reports, was hospitalized in Princeton, W.Va., in October (1992) with gunshot wounds. He had been drinking beer and reported accidentally shooting himself three times -- as he attempted to clean each of his three guns. He said the first shot didn't hurt, the second "stung a little," and the third "really hurt," prompting him to call an ambulance. Newsday-AP, 10-11-92

#27 ~~ My local radio station does a segment every morning called "They walk among us." I think this story would qualify for their segment.

27> I'm not sure if thats funny or just strange

I went to the zoo and the only animal there was a dog. It was a Shih Tzu.

My dad was a cop and he said the weirdest thing he ever saw was the man who hailed him down one night and claimed he'd been shot. Dad couldn't see anything wrong but the man insisted so Dad took him to the hospital. Later he returned to the hospital and asked about the old man. And yes he had a bullet lodged in his sinuses that had been there for some time!

#30 ~~ I had to read that one twice. Sometimes I'm very dense!

>31 pollysmith: How the heck did that happen?! O.o

Dad had no idea. Apparently the man had been shot some time before but the bullet had slowed to the point that it pierced the skull but stopped in the sinus cavity. The doctors surmised that it could even have entered the eye socket above the eye and healed up before the man ever sought help. Dad said his skin was so wrinkled and overlapping that no scar showed

>34 pollysmith: That's so bizarre it's almost funny. Wow.

Just heard on BBC, the piece voted the best joke on the Edinburgh Festival:

"I needed a password with 8 characters, so I chose Snow White and the seven dwarfs"

Contribution from a Facebook Friend:

Kids identify flavors by their color: Red=Cherry, Yellow=Lemon, Green=Lime, Orange=Orange, & so on. The teacher gave all of her students HONEY Lifesavers. None of the children could identify the taste. The teacher said, "I will give you all a hint. It's what your mother may sometimes call your father." One girl looks up in horror, spits out her Lifesaver, & yells, "Oh, my God! They're Ass-holes!!!"

The US Geological Service has determined that the epicenter of the VA earthquake was in a graveyard just outside of DC. The cause appears to be all of our Founding Fathers rolling over in their graves.

OK #37 and #38.... I just spit out my precious morning latte! Too funny.

love em both!

A software manager, a hardware manager, and a marketing manager are driving to a meeting when a tire blows. They get out of the car and look at the problem. The software manager says, "I can't do anything about this - it's a hardware problem." The hardware manager says, "Maybe if we turned the car off and on again, it would fix itself." The marketing manager says, "Hey, 75% of it is working - let's ship it!"

I can't remember if we did this one:

Finally, here’s an old joke about the European difference between heaven and hell.

In Heaven,
the police are British
the mechanics are German
the cooks are French
the lovers are Italian
and the whole thing is run by the Swiss.

In Hell,
the cooks are British
the police are German
the mechanics are French
the lovers are Swiss
and the whole thing is run by the Italians.

Every time I eat peas I can't help recalling this little rhyme:

I eat my peas with honey,
I've done it all my life.
It makes the peas taste funny
But the peas stay on my knife!

#42 I heard it, that in heaven the Swiss are the banker and the Italians are the lovers, and in Hell the Swiss are the lovers and the Italians are the bankers. All the other ones were the same.

Why are firetrucks red?

Because there are wheels and three men on the truck.

Four times three is 12.

There are 12 inches on a ruler.

Queen Elizabeth is a ruler.

Queen Elizabeth is also a ship.

Ships float on the water.

Fish live in the water.

Fish have fins.

The Finns fought the Russians in 1905.

The color for Russia is red, and firetrucks are always rushin' so they should be red as well.

God Bless Texas ....

President Barack Obama was in the Oval Office when his telephone rang.

"Hello, President Obama," a heavily accented southern voice said. "This is Archie, down here at the Joe's Crab Shack, Houston Texas , I am callin' to tell y’all that we are officially declaring war on ya!"

"Well Archie," Barack replied, "This is indeed important news! How big is your army?"

"Right now," said Archie, after a moments calculation "there is myself, my cousin Harold, my next-door-neighbor Randy, and the whole dart team from Hooters. That makes eight!"

Barack paused. "I must tell you Archie that I have one million men in my army waiting to move on my command."

"Wow," said Archie. "I'll have to call ya back!"

Sure enough, the next day, Archie called again. "Mr. Obama, the war is still on! We have managed to acquire some infantry equipment!"

"And what equipment would that be Archie?" Barack asked.

"Well sir, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Harry's farm tractor."

President Obama sighed. "I must tell you Archie, that I have 16,000 tanks and 14,000 armored personnel carriers. Also I've increased my army to one and a half million since we last spoke."

"Lord above", said Archie, "I'll be getting back to ya."

Sure enough, Archie rang again the next day. "President Obama, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We up and modified Harold’s ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Legion have joined us as well!"

Barack was silent for a minute then cleared his throat. "I must tell you Archie that I have 10,000 bombers and 20,000 fighter planes. My military complex is surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I've increased my army to TWO MILLION!"

"Oh Lord," said Archie, "l'll have to call you back."

Sure enough, Archie called again the next day. President Obama! "I am sorry to have to tell you that we have had to call off this here war."

"I'm sorry to hear that" said Barack. "Why the sudden change of heart?"

Well, sir," said Archie, "we've all sat ourselves down and had a long chat over a few beers, and come to realize that there's just no way we can feed two million prisoners . . ."

TEXAS CONFIDENCE CANNOT BE SHAKEN.

Okay! I like that!

#45: I remember a shorter version of that one from my childhood:

Why are fire engines red?

Because they have four wheels and eight firemen.

Four and eight makes 12.

There are 12 inches on a ruler.

A great ruler was Queen Elizabeth, who ruled the seven seas.

Seas have fish; fish have fins; the Finns fought the Russians

and the Russian flag is red.

#47 Love it!

TEXAS CONFIDENCE CANNOT BE SHAKEN.
Truer words were never spoken.

SEXIST JOKE COMING!

Speaking of Texas: The first joke I ever heard to do with Texas is one in which a man from some other state said the men from that state are so good with women that all they have to do is walk up and shove it in. The Texan says they have to shove it in and then walk up.

Reminds of the joke about Alaska men, and the ratio of men to women. For a woman, the odds are good, but the goods are odd.

53 - LOL love that!

53 That's great! That could be said for this area too.

During WWII, Roosevelt asks Stalin if they need anything to fight Hitler. Stalin says, No we're good, but we have a shortage in condoms. Roosevelt is surprised, but agrees to help. He goes to his aid and says: Get me a million of the largest condoms you can find and print "Texas medium" on them.

A Texan went down to Australia, to visit a ranch. He looked at the cattle and said, "You call them cows? In Texas, we have newborn calves bigger than that!"

Then his Australian host took him out to see the ranch. "Why, this ranch is tiny! My ranch back in Texas is 3 times this size!" the Texan boasted.

Just then, a kangaroo hopped across the road in front of them.

"What in tarnation is that?!" the Texan exclaimed.

The Aussie just shrugged. "What? You don't have grasshoppers in Texas?"

>56 Papiervisje: I heard something along those lines in a TV show or movie (M*A*S*H? Air America?) that the Americans dropped oversized condoms in China (?) to make it seem that all American men were of impressive size. Sounded to me like something that was actually done.

Out here in the country, a fella was stopped by the Highway Patrol.

Officer: "You have any ID?"

Fella: "Bout what?"

How do you wake up the Queen of Hearts?

Poker.

*told to me today by a 4th grader. :)

The local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady because she had just been married for the fourth time.

The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband's occupation. "He's a funeral director," she answered.

"Interesting," the newsman thought.

He then asked her if she wouldn't mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living. She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years.

After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she had first married a banker when she was in her early 20's, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40's, and a preacher when in her 60's, and now in her 80's, a funeral director.

The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had married four men with such diverse careers.

(wait for it)

She smiled and explained, "I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go."

Here's a rude one that is supposedly true...

In the sleepy village of Erbum, in the town of Tillet, Hertfordshire lives a lady by the name Linda Lykes. She owns the local pub called The Cock Inn. Her postal address is:
Linda Lykes
The Cock Inn
ERBUM,
Tillet
Herts.

Now, try reading the complete address without any pause!

The Postman still laughs with every delivery

Responsible consumption of alcohol

I would like to share an experience with you all, to do with drinking and driving.
As you know some of us have had brushes with the authorities on our way home in recent months.
Well I for one have done something about it. The other night I was out for dinner and drink and watched the State of Origin with some friends. Having far too much vino, and knowing full well I was wasted, I did something I’ve never done before. I took a bus home.
I arrived home safely and without incident, which was a real surprise, as I have never driven a bus before.

The big print giveth, the small print taketh away...

Which came first, the chicken or the egg?

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

The rooster

#62 A shame really but there is no town called Tillet in Herts (pronounced 'Harts'), nor village called Erbum. :(

We were dressed and ready to go out for the New Year's Eve Party. We turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on, covered our pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard.

We phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and we opened the front door to leave the house. As we walked out the door, the cat we had put out in the yard, scooted back into the house. We didn't want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to eat the bird. My wife went on out to the taxi, while I went back inside to get the cat.
The cat ran upstairs, with me in hot pursuit.

Waiting in the cab, my wife didn't want the driver to know that the house would be empty for the night, so she explained to the taxi driver that I would be out soon, saying 'He's just going upstairs to say Goodbye to my mother.'

A few minutes later, I got into the cab. 'Sorry I took so long,' I said, as we drove away. 'That stupid bitch was hiding under the bed. I had to poke her ass with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off, so I grabbed her by the neck. Then, I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked! I hauled her fat ass downstairs
and threw her out into the back yard! She'd better not shit in the vegetable garden again!

The silence in the cab was deafening.

#68 -- This is not a role-playing thread. However, if you have joined this site to grief the people who are roleplayers, you will soon find yourself suspended, as personal attacks are not allowed.

#69 ~~ Glad it wasn't just me. I'm in a bit of a cranky mood today, and thought maybe I was overreacting to that one.

63 &63 hahahaha, those made me laugh.

67...still laughing.

#68 etc I'm not into role playing myself but aren't those the very people who have two lives?

#72: That depends on how many roles you are playing

#73 Good point.

Where does bad light go?

To prism...

75---love it, I had to tell my husband...I guess he doesn't appreciate my sense of humor, because he just rolled his eyes. Oh well

75&76: It made me giggle. I think my husband will appreciate it. :)

75 & 76
Glad someone else liked it! I told almost everyone in my family and I got the dreaded BLANK STARE.

#78
That's what families are supposed to give you. They are the ones programmed not to let you lose the run of yourself.

My son said he was not sure where his guitar was last night, and I told him not to fret.

I thought the Redhead was going to hit me.

Recurring bad jokes in our family:

Me: I gotta pee.
Him: I gotta carrot
Both: Let's make soup!

Him: I'm going to take a shower.
Me: Put it back when you're done.

Guaranteed to make our children roll their eyes, make gagging noises, etc. The children are gone, but we still have to make these lame jokes.

This one, however, used to make my kids giggle when they were litte:

Why is your dad like a mushroom?
Because he's a fun guy!

groan.

Whenever my friends answer a question I ask with the phrase, "No, I'm good!"

My response is, "I know you are good, but do you want.... "

I always get the rolled eyes.... and occasionally a groan.... and sometimes a dirty look.

Are you free tonight?

No, but I am reasonable.

Do you have the time?

Do you have the inclination?

#75: i cracked up on that one. No idea why...

Kid: "Can I play on the computer?"

Me: "No, you're too heavy."

When ringing up a call centre, the person the other end may well say, brightly, "Bear with me ...".

That is your cue to say (with mingled alarm and delight): "You've got a bear with you?!"

I think you will find the video at the link below useful in relation to your bears.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3abWsr7jTi0

#88 - that's brilliant!

LOL!

>88 pgmcc: Perfect!

In honor of Speak Like a Pirate Day:

So, a pirate walks into a bar. Looks like the quintessential pirate -- peg leg, hook on one hand, eye patch, the whole nine yards. In addition to all this, he's got a steering wheel hanging from the fly of his pants.

He walks up to the bar, and orders a whiskey. The bartender pours the pirate a glass, and says to him "I don't want to offend, but I thought you should know -- you've got a steering wheel attached to your fly." The pirate nods his head, and says:

"Arrrgh, I know. It's driving me nuts."

Just a couple of statistics:

Percentage of applicants offered undergraduate admission to Harvard this year: 6.2

Percentage of applicants accepted for employment on McDonald's National Hiring Day:
6.2

So, are you saying 93.8 percent of applicants were over qualified for Harvard?

#94: I'm wondering if 93.8 percent of applicants were under-qualified for McDonald's.

McDonald's must have thought so, agents of satan that they are.

95 - I feel their pain, it is VERY hard to find someone who wants to actually work at a low paying job, even when that low pay is with guaranteed hours and benefits.

97 I feel their pain too. My son has just finished his masters degree and is delighted he has managed to get five hours at minimum wage working in the college canteen. Work is hard to find out there.

It takes a fine bit of psychological jujitsu to work at a disgusting minimum wage job and sustain strong self-image while searching for the correct job. I am feeling very sad for all the young graduates who are working this particular challenge. Best wishes.

Thank you, maggie1944.

His current job is getting him out of bed and giving him some structure to his day. It also leaves enough time for him to continue the search for other, more appropriate opportunities.

My job is keeping him focused on the search and not allowing him to get too comfortable with his current employment. After a week in the role he is starting to realise that it is tiring work, so perhaps "comfortable" is not something he's going to feel.

What goes: "Clop, clop, bang, bang, clop, clop"?

An Amish drive-by shooting.

101 - I just told that to my son and he said, "Bad joke thread?"

LOL

It's not a joke, but I couldn't stop laughing:

http://www.care2.com/greenliving/dog-plays-piano-video.html

#103 He's so cute! But the noise...no thanks, but it made me laugh too.

This definitely a bad joke! And very funny!

He's singing the Blues for our bad jokes!

An old man came into our hotel today and grabbed a cup of coffee. He then proceeded to come to my counter and tell me the following:

Do you know why the Pope crossed the road? He crosses everything

You should never watch football in Poland. Why? Because no matter where you sit you're behind a Pole.

Usually I charge a non-guest a dollar for a cup of coffee, but he got his for free.

MrsLee, good for you and good for him. Sounds like a good day at work.

#107 I know I'm a bit slow this morning but I just sat here for ages trying to work out the '3rd joke' - the one about the coffee. I was sure there had to be a pun or something in there. It's okay, I've woken up now.

Thanks, Booksloth, for one additional laugh for the day!

Apologies if posted already:

A little boy surprised his grandmother one morning and brought her a cup of coffee. He made it himself so he was proud. He waits to hear the verdict on quality of the coffee. She had never in her life had such a bad cup of coffee but forced down the last sip and sees 3 little green army guys in the bottom of the cup. She asked, Honey, why are there 3 little green army guys in the bottom of my cup? Grandson says, You know grandma, like on TV, The best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup!

Very cute.

swwweeeeeet!

109- LOL! That sounds like something I would do too. :)

ETA *wonders if she can find her son's little green soldiers to serve in OH morning coffee one day*

(Had to Google that one.)

re: "soldiers in your cup"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TFc4pin0tEE

Skittles, thank you for the link. I was just keeping quiet thinking I had missed some obvious pun, but now I'm happy knowing it is just a parochial advertisement for coffee.

Here's some excerpts from letters to a Welfare Department from people asking for support:

-I am forwarding my marriage certificate and six children. I had seven but one died which was baptised on half sheet of paper.

-I am writing the Welfare Department to say that my baby was born two years old. When do I get my money?

-Mrs. Jackson has not had any clothes for a year and has been visited regularly by the clergy.

-I cannot get sick pay, I have six children, can you tell me why?

-I am glad to report that my husband who is missing is dead.

-This is my eighth child. What are you going to do about it?

And they wonder why

My husband works as a welfare caseworker and he oftens says that he thinks that he has heard everything...until the next day at work!

I just had this up for my "Quote of the Day" by Mark Twain

Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first.

Not a joke, but an overheard from a few years ago ...

I was in the Post Office, and an elderly man (with a strong Lancashire accent) was being served, but was having some trouble with his bank card.

Staff: No, you need to put it in a bit further.

Man: Eeeee, the wife says that!

Staff: No, still not right ... wiggle it about a bit.

Man: Eeeee, the wife says that an' all!

Staff: No, I see the problem - you've got it in upside down.

Shocked silence.

Man: The wife never says that!

Cue helpless giggles from waiting queue ...

okay, thats funny!

I shouldn't have to tell you, but... this joke is bad.

***

Do you fart in bed?

This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years. The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke. the noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air.

Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick.

He told her he couldn't stop it and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor, she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out.

The years went by and he continued to rip them out. then one Christmas day morning, as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the innards, neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts, and a malicious thought came to her.

She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling the bed covers back, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts..

Some time later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bath room..

The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture, she reckoned she had got him back pretty good.

About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his bloodstained underpants with a look of horror on his face.

She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter. He said, 'Honey you were right. All these years you have warned me and I didn't listen to you'.

'What do you mean?' asked his wife.

'Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out and today it finally happened.

But by the grace of God, with some Vaseline and two fingers, I think I got most of them back in.

ROTFL!

Gross... But funny.

I was out shopping for a wok today when I was reminded of this joke...

What is a wok?

It's something you throw at a wabbit (rabbit...think Elmer Fudd).

>127 Joybee:: LOL! That's definitely going into my repertoire of bad jokes! =)

I can't remember if I've posted this one here...

Q: How many psychoanalysts does it take to change a light bulb?

A: How many do you think it takes?

It only takes one, but it takes a long time, because the light bulb has to WANT to change.

>130 Arctic-Stranger:: No, no, that's a psychologyst you mean. There's a difference, you know.

I "liked" the message from my computer yesterday:

- - - - - - -

keyboard failure

press F1 to continue
press F2 to enter setup

- - - - - - - -

I rebooted and the keyboard is fine, but I thought the message was hilarious.
How can I press F1 or F2 if the keyboard doesn't work?

A: Knock knock.

B: Who's there?

A: To.

B: To who?

A: To whom.

What is a wok?

Ha ha!

That reminds me...

Q. What do you do with a wombat?

A. Play wom with it.

To whom. Too good. Nerds rule.

What's an omelette?

It's a baby om!

And an ig?

An igloo without indoor plumbing.

ROTFL! Those are too good, guys!

(I'm not sure if this will work...)

Q. What's this? _W_

A. A dead one of these. _M_

It worked.

A blonde and her brunette BFF were outside, enjoying the gentle breeze of a California night. The brunette, staring up at the moon beaming down on them, suddenly had a thought that had never occured to her.

"What's farther? The moon or Florida?"

The blonde huffed exasperatedly. "Hello? Can you see Florida?"

What do you call a fly with no wings?

A walk.....

What do you call a cow with no legs?

Ground beef.

Q. What do you call four blondes at a four-way stop?

A. Eternity.

You may have read this one before, but I wouldn't be surprised if it were close to the truth.

Why Rednecks Make Good Soldiers
Dear Ma & Pa:
Am well. Hope you are. Tell brother Walt & brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before maybe all of the places are filled.
I was restless at first because you got to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m., but am getting so I like to sleep late. Tell Walt & Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing. Men got to shave but it is not so bad, they git warm water.
Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc..., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie, and other regular food. But tell Walt & Elmer you can always sit between two city boys that live on coffee. Their food plus yours holds you till noon, when you get fed again. It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much.
We go on "route" marches, which the Platoon Sergeant says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it is not my place to tell him different. A "route march" is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys gets sore feet and we all ride back in trucks. The country is nice, but awful flat.
The Sergeant is like a schoolteacher. He nags some. The Capt. is like the school board. Majors & Colonels just ride around & frown. They don't bother you none.
This next will kill Walt & Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for shooting. I don't know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk and don't move. And it ain't shooting at you, like the Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don't even load your own cartridges. They come in boxes.
Be sure to tell Walt & Elmer to hurry & join before other fellers get into this setup & come stampeding in.
Your loving daughter, Gail

145 - Ha, that could almost have been taken from Sergeant York.

I got to play the "Soldiers in your cup" prank on my OH this morning. He looked in and fished out a plastic soldier and plaintively said, "Whhyyyyyyyyy???" So I sang the refrain to him. It couldn't have worked out better. The groan, grimace and silent laughter were very gratifying. :)

This is the the most EPIC action sequence in the history of television. I love you, Bollywood. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LhDcd8DZK_o

>147 ErisofDiscord: Hilarious! Great way to start the day for action movie lovers.

For all of us Star Wars fans out there - Darth Vader meets Jar Jar again! - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EdS2kCUGvfo

What's the fast type of cake?

Scone!

Q. Why does it take longer to build a blonde snowman than a regular one?

A. Because you have to hollow out the head!

Here's a blonde joke told in video style: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7JhaDMQH2mQ

By the way, the reason I know so many blonde jokes is because I'm a blonde and I think they're hilarious! :D

Yay! I'm glad this thread has been awoken, I love all the bad jokes, and have missed my daily installment of dry humor. Keep 'em coming.

Do not fear, Joybee! *salutes* I've been waiting so long for a thread to unleash my corny humor onto that it will not be going away any time soon!

By the way, here's a Harry Potter knock-knock joke.

-Knock, knock.
Who's there?
-You know.
You know who?
-It's okay, he's dead! You can say his name now, silly!

A vagrant came to my door the other day. He was cold and hungry, but refused the food I offered. He said he would just be happy if I shared some of the spices from my cupboard with him. I felt so bad because he was living on borrowed thyme.

Oh, ouch, Mrs. Lee. That was bad.

Which, by the way, is Eris-speak for, "That was totally awesome and I love herb jokes!"

For anyone who's feeling sick at the moment:


It makes me giggle *every* time I see it, no matter what.

*snickers* How many times have I heard that from my mom when I'm sick. Now I know what to say back. Hehehehe...

157 - LOL! I want that on a t shirt.

Speaking of things mother say - my mum always used to nag me to make sure I was wearing clean underwear in case I was in a road accident. I finally came up with a snappy comeback: i.e., pointed out to her that if I had been in a road accident, my underwear would quite certainly be clean no longer! She never said it again ...

#160 My mother was more specific - in case I was hit by a bus.

Why does Snoop Dogg need an umbrella?

For drizzle.

1. I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.

2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.

3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.

4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.

5. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

:) - I'm especially fond of 2 & 3.

There was a woman who was hard as nails on me at one time in my life, but she did teach me how to fold a fitted sheet!

What I need is a sarcasm font...

#164, teach us... I bet there is a you tube video about it. Whenever I try to fold a fitted sheet it looks a mess but it's always folded so neat when you first buy it.

People fold sheets?

#163 & 165

In an earlier thread we developed an "sarcastico". It was two dots..

I'm serious..

Really..

You cheque is in the post..

All debts will be honoured..

#168 I think she switched sheets between photos 4 and 5.

#170 that would explain why mine never turn out that neatly. BTW the video is hilarious.

Not only is that how I've been folding my fitted sheets for the past 40 years, but once I have the fitted sheet folded, and the pillow slips, I lay the folded flat sheet out when it is the width of the folded fitted sheet, and about 3 times as long.

I then put the fitted sheet and the pillow slips on top of the flat sheet, and fold/roll the flat sheet over the other items until I have a nice neat bundle for the linen cubbard.

I've also been doing that for 40 years. It's lovely not to have to dig through linens to find matching pillow slips, or flat and fitted sheets. Yes it's a bit anal, but time saving, nontheless.

I understand the modern PC term for anal is "Religious"; as in, "He's a bit religious about it!"

It turns out I know some religious Aetheists. :-)

173 - *snickers*

>172 millhold:: I fold my sheets just like that. Always have. My mother taught me to when I was little.
I'm a mess with house chores and such, but when it comes to folding sheets and stacking dishes, I'm kickass.

172 - My mind is blown!

#172 -- I like your system. I may not be organized enough to adopt it, but I like it. . . .

6. Was learning cursive really necessary?

7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on # 5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

9. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.

10. Bad decisions make good stories.

168 - LOVE that video!

Morphy: Re #8, back in the olden times they used to do that. You're right. Made for some interesting obits.

My parents just showed me this clip from the movie "Scrooged," and I have since been replaying it over and over again, laughing my butt off each time. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BRQMlXh4f-M&feature=related

Q. What did St Patrick say when he was driving the snakes out of Ireland?

A. Are you lads alright there in the back?

11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.

12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection...again.

13. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to.

14. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

15. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

11: 9:01am.
15: Nothing worse than selecting the wrong head in the dark.

>183 Morphidae: #13 happens to me all the time. I also like #14-- I thought I was the only one who did that!

I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lite than Kay.

I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.

How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said?

I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters!

I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front

I think it is scientifically demonstrated that forming shorter queue in two lanes and then taking turns is more efficient than insisting on forming a single queue so long that it backs up into the last town but two.

21. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.

22. Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.

23. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time.

24. The first testicular guard, the "Cup," was used in Hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974. That means it only took 100 years for men to realize that their brain is also important.

I have to say yes indeedy to #22 and uh huh to #24.

And this is why I don't do Black Friday: http://www.twitvid.com/QM7T7

Say no to crack!

#191 And now I want to throw up a little!

23. Absolutely!

thats why i dont shop on black friday.

#191 No comment on the obvious insanity, but . . .

Somebody needs a pair of pants that fit!

The teacher asked her 1st graders, "What did you see on the way to school today?"
Little Billy jumped up and said, "I saw a dead cat!
"Wow" said the teacher. How do you know it was dead?"
Billy replied, "I pissed in its ear!"
"WHAT, said the red faced teacher, "Did you say???"
"You know", said Billy. I got up close to its ear and said pssst....."

True story: My preschool girls ages 4 and 3 were playing Big Sister and Baby Sister. Carmela, the youngest and very independent consented to be Baby Sister, reluctantly. In the midst of the game she needed a tissue for her nose and came over to where our class box of tissues is with the other girls following and fussing saying "here Baby we will help you" and basically getting in her way, whereupon my darling little Independent girl said "I can blow my nose, myself, Thank you!" The other girl girls backed off in surprise and Carmela attended to her nose and went back to the game.

#195 Ha ha! We have a similar problem in our family at the moment: Buzz Lightyear keeps pissing at things (i.e. firing his laser with a "pssss" sound).

An older married couple was at home watching TV. The husband had the remote and was switching back and forth between a fishing channel and the porn channel.

The wife became more and more annoyed and finally said:

"For Goodness' sake! Leave it on the porn channel. You already know how to fish!"

Hehehe :)

Here's one my sister sent me:

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the man's face was severely burned.

The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from his body because he was too skinny.

So the wife offered to donate some of her own skin.

However, the only skin on her body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from her buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and they requested that the doctor also honour their secret.

After all, this was a very delicate matter. After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the man's new face.

He looked more handsome than he ever had before! All his friends and relatives just went on and on about his youthful beauty! One day, he was alone with his wife, and he was overcome with emotion at her sacrifice. He said, 'Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. How can I possibly repay you?'

My darling,' she replied, 'I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek.'

Hah! :-)

What has two legs and bleeds profusely?

Half a cat.

FYI I like cats, I just think this is a funny bad joke

#202 FYI I like cats, I just think this is a funny bad joke

That's alright. I don't like cats and I think it's a funny bad joke too.

"Mr Cole's Axiom: The sum of the intelligence on this planet is a constant; the population is growing. (not to be confused with Cole's Law, which is thinly sliced cabbage.)" -- from The perm Book of Test the Team

I had to read that one twice! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA

*bows to Cal*

In that case, you might like this one from the same source:

Q: Where do you go to check that your takeaway pie is the stated mass?
A: According to the Wizard of Oz movie, "Somewhere over the rainbow, weigh a pie ..."

> 206 *holds her nose* Ewwwwww.

... and to really make Morphy lose her lunch:

Q: Why was the Hansom Cab invented?
A: So the superior who sits in the interior will not see the posterior of the inferior who sits on the exterior.

Source as above.

HEHEHE

Cheeky!

I like 'em.

oh dear *groan*

While we're on this track - Did you hear the one about the wizard who turned his car into a garage!

*bangs head on keyboard*

Q: Why could it be said that the Venetian blind is mankind's most important invention?
A: Because without them it would be curtains for everybody.

Hi,

A man went to see his doctor, very worried. He says doctor, doctor, I think I'm a pair of curtains.

Doctor: Just pull yourself together man!

Hah!

We had so many of those jokes as a kid.

Doctor, doctor! I think I'm a wall!

Well, you're just going to have to get over it.

Doctor! Doctor! I think I'm a bar of soap.

Well, that's Lifeboy!

Doctor! Doctor! The invisible is the the lobby!

Tell I can't see him.

Doctor! Doctor! His children are with him!

They aren't much to look at either.

Sorry, which thread was this again? I'm confused. 'Bad joke of the day' or 'You know you're old when' (these jokes are funny)?

Doctor, I keep having this dream where I see 2 teepees.

You need to relax. You're two tents.

stop! Stop! I'm laughing so hard it hurts!!!!!

Sorry! Can't stop.... train has already left the station....

okay here's one:

why do Eskimos do their laundry in Tide?

Because it's too cold out Tide!

Politicians and diapers should be changed often
...and for the same reason.

Q. What was the country with the best gender-equality record ever?
A. Ancient Egypt, because there a man could also become a mummy.

I love bad jokes, so here goes...

Question: Why was Tigger looking down the toilet??
Answer: Because he was trying to find Pooh!!

Q. What do you call a man with a spade on his head?
A. Doug

Q. What do you call a man without a spade on his head?
A. Douglas

AHAAHaHAHAHa

What do you call a cow that just gave birth to a calf?
"Decafinated"

Oh. Just Oh. I'm going to go get to work now. Thanks for the groans! ;)

What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh (get it, no I's)

What did the mother buffalo say to her child as he left for school?...Bison!

What do you have on your patio that is Irish? PATTY O'FURNITURE

Nice!

Lets at least try to add a little grossness to the bad jokes:

What's green and turns red at the push of a button?
A frog in a blender!

What's black, white and red all over?
A freshly whipped nun!

What goes black, white, red, black, white, red?
A nun on a meat slicer!

How many lawyers/ or insert profession of your own choice does is take to tile a bathroom?

One- if you slice him thinly.

What's green and smells like pork?

Kermit's finger

WARNING RUDE JOKE but very topical particularly here in the UK and no doubt lots of other places too;

little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?"

Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me capitalism. Your Mom, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the people. The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we'll call him the Future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense,"

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what dad had said.

Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed. The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now."

The father says, "Good son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about."

The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in deep sh*t."

The nun jokes made me laugh out loud.

how about:

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef!
or
How do you get a Kleenex to dance? Put a little Boogie in it!!

I don't think I'm getting gross enough...

What do you call a whore in Spain who doesn't charge money?
A free-holey.
or
Why don't Polish heroin users worry about getting AIDS from needles?
Because they wear rubbers.

Better.

My dog has no nose!

How does he smell?

Terrible!

What do you call an Irishman who bounces off walls?

Rick O'Shea

Crossword clue: Serious Australian working in churchyard? ----- ------

"Grave digger"

At a chess tournament in Australia, someone asked a player from Central Europe: "Are you Hungarian?"

"No," he replied, "I'm Czech, mate."

It was a cold winter day, when an old man walked out onto a frozen lake, cut a hole in the ice, dropped in his fishing line and began waiting for a fish to bite.

He was there for almost an hour without even a nibble when a young boy walked out onto the ice, cut a hole in the ice not too far from the old man and dropped in his fishing line. It only took about a minute and WHAM! a Largemouth Bass hit his hook and the boy pulled in the fish.

The old man couldn't believe it but figured it was just luck. But, the boy dropped in his line and again within just a few minutes pulled in another one.

This went on and on until finally the old man couldn't take it any more since he hadn't caught a thing all this time.

He went to the boy and said, "Son, I've been here for over an hour without even a nibble. You have been here only a few minutes and have caught about half a dozen fish! How do you do it?"

The boy responded, "Roo raf roo reep ra rums rarm."

"What was that?" the old man asked.

Again the boy responded, "Roo raf roo reep ra rums rarm."

"Look," said the old man, "I can't understand a word you are saying."

So, the boy spit into his hand and said, "You have to keep the worms warm!"

Why are all the numbers afraid of 7?

Because 7 ate 9.

Here's a couple of one-liners...Ho-Ho-Ho

I hope Santa brings me that mistletoe belt I asked for!

I think that Santa is very jolly because he knows where all the bad girls live.

What do you call a blind buck?

No-eyed deer.

What do you call a lame blind buck?

Still no-eyed deer.

What do you call a lambe blind buck that's just been shot?

Still bloody no-eyed deer.

(Refraining from the last, because it gets more vulgar).

Hehehe I wanna know the last one.

We're tough. We can take it.

What do you call a bleeding lame blind buck with a doe?

Still bloody f****** no-eyed deer...

I just realised that that doesn't work so well with most American accents, but you get the eyed-deer.

Nice....I thought it might go something like that:)

Blooper

At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.

This one I got from Rocky II (the movie):

Why do cows wear bells?
Because their horns don't work.

Why is the Christmas turkey never hungry?
Because it's always stuffed

Every year I marvel at the 'miracle of Christmas dinner':

At the beginning, there is one stuffed turkey in the center of the table.

At the end, there are 12 stuffed turkeys around the edge of the table.

"Surely we haven't run out of bad jokes?!"

"I'm afraid we have. And don't call me Shirley."

#258
It's a holiday. The bad jokes are off!