Bad Joke of the Day VI

One dark night outside a small town in Minnesota, a fire started inside the local chemical plant and in a blink of an eye it exploded into massive flames. The alarm went out to all the fire departments for miles around.

When the volunteer fire fighters appeared on the scene, the chemical company president rushed to the fire chief and said, "All our secret formulas are in the vault in the center of the plant. They must be saved. I will give $50,000 to the fire department that brings them out intact."

But the roaring flames held the firefighters off. Soon more fire departments had to be called in as the situation became desperate. As the firemen arrived, the president shouted out that the offer was now $100,000 to the fire department who could bring out the company's secret files.

From the distance, a lone siren was heard as another fire truck came into sight. It was the nearby Norwegian rural township volunteer fire company composed mainly of Norwegians over the age of 65.

To everyone's amazement, that little run-down fire engine roared right past all the newer sleek engines that were parked outside the plant.

Without even slowing down it drove straight into the middle of the inferno. Outside, the other firemen watched as the Norwegian old timers jumped off right in the middle of the fire fought it back on all sides. It was a performance and effort never seen before.

Within a short time, the Norske old timers had extinguished the fire and had saved the secret formulas. The grateful chemical company president announced that for such a superhuman feat he was upping the reward to $200,000, and walked over to personally thank each of the brave fire fighters.

The local TV news reporter rushed in to capture the event on film, asking their chief, "What are you going to do with all that money?"

"Vell," said Ole Larsen, the 70-year-old fire chief, "Da first thing ve gonna do is fix da brakes on dat damn truck!

>1 Morphidae: Me like :D

>1 Morphidae: We're gonna have to change the name of this thread, that is a decidedly Good Joke! :)

#1: I'm sending that to the jokemaster of our Sons of Norway group!

>4 skittles: I'm PMing you the actual racier punchline.

add me to the pm?

Me too, Morphy! Or perhaps just post it here with the hidden spoiler code.

>7 streamsong: Oh! Good idea. I don't mind the language but I was being courteous to more sensitive "ears."

"Da first thing ve gonna do is fix da brakes on dat focking truck!"

It wasn't a good idea to read this thread during lunch hour, mouth full with food. *wiping my desk clean...*

good one!

*delurking*

>10 madpoet: agreed

I have this on my 75ers thread and was told to put it here as well...

A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and the cab driver won't stop staring at her.

She asks him why he is staring. He replies, "I have a question to ask you, but I don't want to offend you."

She answers, "My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."

"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."

She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic."

The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and Catholic!"

"Okay," the nun says, "Pull into the next alley." The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.

"My dear child," said the nun, "why are you crying?"

"Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied I must confess. I'm married and I'm Jewish."

The nun says, "That's okay, my name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party."

:0)

Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.

He looked up and said weakly: ‘I have something I must confess.’

‘There’s no need to, ‘his wife replied.

‘No,’ he insisted, ‘I want to die in peace. I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!’

‘I know,’ she replied. ‘Now just lie back and let the poison work.’

I actually consider this quite a good joke, because my 5 year old came up with it, but unintentionally.

He says "Hands up, before I shoot!"

So I put my hands up - and he shoots me afterwards.

Why are there so many elderly factory workers?

Because of the man-agers.

I was at the local county fair last week and midst the midway booths was the local political party handing out balloons to the kiddies.

As I was passing, the volunteers were giving balloons to the toddler members of a family. They offered one to the preteen behind a stroller, but she said that she didn't want one. One of the adults commented that maybe she didn't want one because she was "too old" to want a balloon.

As I walked by, I quipped, "Maybe she's a democrat."

A man answered a knock at the door. It was a 6-foot tall ladybug, who felled him with a blow to the jaw, and then jumped up and down on him, breaking several ribs ... He woke up in hospital, and had some difficulty in explaining to the doctor what happened. Eventually light dawned.
"You're the sixth one to come in like that this morning," said the doctor, "there's a very nasty bug going round."

(With thanks to The Mercury's Idler column, some time last week.)

#17 reminds me of one from
back in the 1930s, of which
there are no doubt many versions:

Interviewer: Do you belong to any
organized political party?

Will Rogers: No: I'm a Democrat.

One day, three men were out hiking in unfamiliar territory and came upon a wide and raging river. They needed to get to the other side, but it looked impossible to ford, and they had no idea of how they would do it.

Fortuitously, they spotted a genie napping on a rock near the river. They crept quietly to where the genie was napping and grabbed him before he could escape. Since all three had captured him, the genie agreed to grant each man one wish.

The first man wished: “Please give me the strength to cross this river.” Poof! The genie gave him big strong arms and legs and he was able to swim across the river—though it took him two hours to do it.

Seeing this, the second man wished: “Please give me the strength and ability to cross this river.” Poof! The genie gave him a rowboat and he was able to row across the river—though it took him three hours to do it.

The third man, having observed how this had worked out for his two hiking buddies, wished: “Please give me the strength, ability and intelligence to cross this river. ” Poof! The genie turned him into a woman. He looked at the trail map and, a minute later, walked across the bridge.

What did the fish say when he swam into the concrete wall? Dam!

>20 Jenni_Canuck:, but... that's a GOOD joke!

Q: What does a penguin get from sitting too long on the ice?

A: A bad case of Polaroids!!

Q: Did you hear about d' explosion at d' cheese factory?

A: Debris was everywhere.

>24 bernsad: me like that one :-)

>24 bernsad: *groan*

Man, it took me way too long to catch that play on brie.

Yep, that's what makes them bad jokes.

Q - How do you get a polar bear into the water?
A - Cut a hole in the ice, sprinkle peas around it. When the bear comes for a pea, kick him in the ice-hole!

Oh, man. That hurts.

*sends it to MrMorphy*

>29 C4RO: I like it !

We're watching Star Wars in English Class...

...and a classmate says, "Metaphors be with you."

An author (or his publisher) writes the title: "I Never Metaphor I didnʻt Like".

Love it and shared it with our English Dept. Thanks!

Why did the farmer make sure his cows were spread out in the field?
Because he wanted them to be seen but not herd.

(With thanks to BBC 4's Farming Today.)

Recently I saw this logo on a car in a well-respected motor museum, and it put me in mind of the following story:



A certain snail won the Lotto one day, and decided to buy a super-fast sports car. He asked that it have a large letter S painted on the rear. The salesman was unable to contain his curiosity, and asked why a letter S? "Easy" said the snail, "when I go past at 320 km/h, then the bystanders will say 'Wow! Watch that S-car-go!' ".

*groan*

Last night I had a dream that I was a muffler.
I woke up exhausted.

:P

Is ":P" the worldʻs shortest joke, or just
Computer Science language?

If the latter, can anyone translate?

I think that's generally interpreted as a raspberry.

:P~~~~~~ That is my understanding of a raspberry, this: :P is me sticking my tongue out. If I knew how to do one which showed rolling eyes, I would, because Rozax hit the core of this thread with that joke. :)

I cheat:

80 o

A little late for Halloween, but ...

BBC4 reports this recipe for pumpkin pi
Take the circumference of the pumpkin and divide it by the diameter

Ah — so does this give a value for pi or just for pumpkin pi?

"(how itʻs). . . generally interpreted" (40-41)

Thanks, @bernsad.

>46 PossMan: Presumably pumpkin pi, 'cos pi R square.

>48 hfglen: Groan!

 

Actually, the world's oldest profession is a carpenter ...

It was Eve -- she made Adam's banana stand ...

Why did the insomniac get arrested?
He resisted a rest.

How does the moon cut his hair?
He clips it!

(Courtesy Fr Joe Krupp and William Bostwick, respectively,
the latter on radio program "Dinner Party Download".)

Also from Dinner Party Download:

What washes up on tiny beaches?
Microwaves!!

You know the legendary phrasebook that gives the French for "The postillion has been struck by lightning"?

I've just seen a page of phrases in a guidebook to Botswana that includes
"Why is there a hyena in my tent? -- Ke eng phiri e le mo tante yame?" (in Setswana)

Why indeed?

Because Hyenas are intense?
Sorry!

Deceptive, they always seem so happy.

Laughing a lot y'mean Cobber?
Perhaps because they read the same book as >54 hfglen:?

>8 Morphidae: puts me in mind of this story, from Best seat in the house.
The late Queen Mother, while still Queen, during World War 2, was visiting a wounded airman in hospital. 'I got shot up over the Channel by a Fokker', he told her. 'Had to bale out into the drink. I was lucky. I looked up and saw the sky was full of other Fokkers.'

'Yes yes' the Queen replied. 'I and my husband the King entirely share your view of the Germans. But what kind of plane shot you down? A Messerschmitt or what?'

Similar jokes were exchanged between colleagues when I was in aerospace industry in my twenties. And the Fokker was one of the regulars. :-)

This was on a greeting card I got (the kind that tells you you're no longer young)

Old man: I feel truly blessed. Every night when I get up to pee, the Lord turns the bathroom light on for me, and when I'm done he turns it off.

Old woman: You're not blessed, you're peeing in the refrigerator.

I really LOL, Jim!

An attractive young woman with an armload of Christmas boxes and bags was waiting for the local bus on the street outside of her most recently visited store. As she stood there she realized the skirt she was wearing was too tight and it would be impossible for her to make that first step up into the bus. She thought about it for a bit and then decided that if she could just reach around and unzip her skirt part way it would probably give her enough freedom of movement to step into the bus. She carefully juggled all of the boxes and bags in/on one arm and the quickly reached around and pulled down the zipper. Once she had her purchases rebalanced she moved around a bit and realized the skirt was still too tight.

Thinking that an additional loosening might work she quickly repeated the purchase juggling/zipper pulling move, shifted around some more and realized it was still too tight. Just then the bus came around the corner, pulled up in front of her and opened the door. Before she could do anything the man standing behind her put his hands under her arms and quickly lifted her to the top step of the bus. She turned around, gave him a startled and angry look and stammered, “ How…how dare you! Why we don’t even know each other!” He smiled, tipped his hat, and said, “Madam, after you pulled my zipper down the second time I thought we were pretty well acquainted.”

>63 alco261: Love it!

>63 alco261: :D

Lol

I met an unemployed man who said, "I've tried many jobs. I really have. But I wasn't successful at any of them."

"I tried being a barber but I just couldn't cut it.

Then I tried selling bicycles, but it left me two tired.

I worked at a laundry... that was a wash.

Being an accountant was too taxing.

For awhile I worked at a hardware store... until I came to work hammered.

I tried being a blackjack dealer, but, well, it just wasn't in the cards.

I even sold women's lingerie, until they gave me a pink slip."

Very cute!

Son, where is your Math book?

Mom, it committed suicide

WHAAAAT!!???

Yes......it had too many problems

Aaaaarrrrrgggghhhh!!

Algebra, stop asking us to find your exe. She's not coming back.

Diarrhea is hereditary, it runs in your jeans.

How do you stop bacon from curling in the pan?
You take away their little brooms.

Love that!

Why didn't the lifeguard rescue the drowning hippie?
He was too far out.

What breed of dog is magic?
A labracadabrador.

Good one! I have forwarded a number of these to a woman on hard times, and I know she laughs in spite of it all. So, thanks.

Remembering that it's peak season in our holiday-resort town ...

There's a couple who walk every day on the beach. And every day they see a shapely blonde doing the rounds talking to the holidaymakers. Sometimes money changes hands, and they see her handing something over.

What could it be? Drugs? Surely it's their civic duty to find out. So they make a plan.

Next day he goes to stake the beach out. And settles down with umbrella, towel and radio. Before too long, the blonde turns up.

He returns home. "I've got her secret! She's a battery seller!"

"Batteries?"

"Yes. She sells C cells on the seashore."

>77 margd: Hope your friend likes that one.

That's adorable!

 

>78 hfglen: Oh, she got a chuckle, yep!

>81 margd: Good on her! (and seasonal happiness to both of you)

A truck driver pulls into a truck stop to get some lunch. As he approaches the establishment he sees a notice posted on the door which states “Nerds will be shot on sight.” He walks into the diner, sits down on one of the stools and starts to ask about the sign when the nerdiest guy he has ever seen, plaid shirt, striped pants, taped glasses, pocket protector, half a dozen electronic items hanging from his belt, walks through the door. Without so much as a by-your-leave the counterman pulls out a shotgun and blows the nerd away. The truck driver is shocked and stunned and in a halting, stammering voice he asks the counterman what is going on. The counterman tells him that the nerd population in the area has exploded and in the interests of returning things to normal open season has been declared on nerds.

The truck driver regains his composure and orders some lunch. The counterman brings him a beer and a sandwich and as he sets it down in front of the driver he comments that the driver seems to smell a bit nerdy himself. The driver says it’s not him it’s his cargo – he has a truck full of laptop computers. The counterman nods and says that’s ok. The driver finishes his lunch and goes back out to his truck. He gets back out on the highway, gets his truck up to speed and just as he is rolling along a car cuts sharply in front of him. He swerves violently to avoid a collision and in doing so the rear doors of the truck fly open and his cargo of laptops tumbles out and is strewn all over the road. Before he can come to a stop hundreds of nerds explode out of the roadside grass and tree line and start grabbing the laptops and running. The driver gets out of his cab, yells at them to stop, and then, remembering what the counterman said, rushes back to his truck, grabs his handgun and starts shooting at the nerds. He’s only taken a few shots when a police car zooms up, the officer piles out of the car and runs toward the truck driver yelling for him to stop. The driver, puzzled, stops shooting and says, “I thought it was open season on nerds around here?” The policeman says, “Well, sure, but you can’t bait them!”

This week's BBC4 Kitchen Cabinet was discussing how to cook fresh salmon, and an archivist produced an elderly Scots recipe that involved steaming it over very salty water. So they produced an elderly Scot and asked him what happens next, thus
"How do you finish your poached salmon?"
Scot: We dinnae poach oor salmon. We catch it legally.

:)

They say a man's life is divided into three phases
tri-weekly
try-weekly
try-weakly

>86 alco261: *snort*

"Punography", via my friend, the first she's sent my way (good sign!):

When chemists die, they barium.

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.

How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.

I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Type-O.

Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.

We're going on a class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there's no pop quiz.

I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?

When you get a bladder infection urine trouble.

Broken pencils are pointless.

I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool .

I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.

All the toilets in New York 's police stations have been stolen. The police have nothing to go on.

I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

Haunted French pancakes give me the crêpes.

Velcro - what a rip off!

A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.

Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!

The earthquake in Washington obviously was the government's fault.

http://brownwaternavyanddeltaarmyvietnamveterans.yuku.com/topic/8931/Punography?...

ETA:

A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is a seasoned veteran.

I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop anytime.

How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

PMS jokes aren't funny. Period.

Oof! :0D

>88 margd: These are awesome!

I think I like best "I never met herbivore"!

My daughter wanted a pet spider, but they were $10 at the pet store. "Dam", I thought, "I'll get one off the web."

(From today's Mercury).

>92 hfglen: :-D

Some idiot has ripped the pages out of both ends of my dictionary today...

It just goes from bad to worse!

Swiped from FB:

Woke up this morning to find a lion AND a witch in my wardrobe. When I asked them what they were doing, they shouted: 'Narnia business!'

:)

>95 rastaphrog: tee hee

OOooo! Literary bad jokes! Love it!

Not bad >94 UncleMort:, and it could be worse :-)

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"

"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."

You heard of the vegetarian cannibal? He only ate swedes. (memory jogged by http://www.librarything.com/topic/185423#5028395)

:D

Heard this one at Weight Watchers tonight (the leader always has a really bad joke involving food):

What's green and goes to camp?

Brussell scouts.

Urgh.

OK, it's not a "joke" as one normally thinks of them, but it does have a "punch line" of sorts. Since we can't embed videos, (and this wouldn't translate well to text) you'll have to make with the clicky. (It's a Cheech and Chong bit.)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eY7ZX6ngOSs

What do you get when you put your grandmother on speed dial?

An Instagram!

--Dinner Party Download radio program

Q: If Woof = Bach, what does
woof woof woof woof woof
mean?

A: Offenbach

-- BBC3 contribution to Red Nose Day

Seen on Facebook

Exchange between a father and his 3 y.o. son -- who is terribly frightened of sudden, loud noises:

Father: Stop, Son! Do you have any idea what will happen to you, if you pop that balloon with your stick?

3y.o. Boy: Onomatopoeia?

>36 hfglen: One of my favourites. It is used in the film, "Trading Places", a very entertaining film.

A hobbit was terribly overweight, so her doctor put her on a diet. "I want
you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure
for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you’ll have lost at least 5 pounds."
When the hobbit returned, she shocked the doctor by losing nearly 20 pounds.
"Why, that’s amazing!" the doctor said, "Did you follow my instructions?"
The hobbit nodded. "I’ll tell you though, I thought I was going to drop dead that 3rd day."
"from hunger you mean?"
"No from skipping."

Why are hobbit doors round?
If you had 9 meals a day you need a round door too!

>111 mrgrooism: I've had two cups of coffee and I still didn't see that skipping part coming! :P

>111 mrgrooism: Nice one!

What do sprinters eat before a race?

Nothing, they fast.

I think I want a job cleaning mirrors.
It's something I could really see myself doing.

Why did Cinderella get kicked off the soccer team?
Because she kept running from the ball!

How do you stop bacon from curling in the pan?
You take away their little brooms!

I love those horrible jokes! I could hear the rim shot as I read the last line. :)

How do you make a tissue dance?
You put a little boogie in it!

What is the difference between a teacher and a train?
A teacher says, " Spit out your gum." and a train says, "Chew, chew."

What is green and has wheels?
Grass, I lied about the wheels.

>120 mrgrooism: I'll give those to my boys; I'll bet they'll love that first one. Ewww!

>120 mrgrooism:  My husband started out with a good guess, so I told him, "You're on the right track!"  I can say, with a clear conscience, that the grass cracked us both up.

A Texas State trooper pulled a car over on I-35 about 2 miles south of Waco Texas. When the trooper asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver said he was a Magician and Juggler and was on his way to Austin Texas to do a show for the Shrine Circus. He didn't want to be late.

The trooper told the driver he was fascinated by juggling and said if the driver would do a little juggling for him then he wouldn't give him a ticket. He told the trooper he had sent his equipment ahead and didn't have anything to juggle.

The trooper said he had some flares in the trunk and asked if he could juggle them. The juggler said he could, so the trooper got 5 flares, lit them and handed them to him.

While the man was juggling, a car pulled in behind the State Troopers car. A drunken good old boy from central Texas got out, watched the performance, then went over to the Trooper's car, opened the rear door and got in. The trooper observed him and went over to the State car, opened the door asking the drunk what he thought he was doing.

The drunk replied, “You might as well take my ass to jail, cause there ain't no way I can pass that test.”

>132 suitable1: Love it!

>124 MrsLee: Now I can't wait to get to >132 suitable1:

>125 2wonderY:

It must be really good.

Ooo, now there is a challenge for the future. I wonder where I was when I posted that?

>123 Jim53:, 132
Yup, 123 is almost as good as 132!

I can't wait for 132!
*squeels like a little girl at a Bieber concert*

*Thinking of all the paradoxes described in time travel books.*

**Sitting up and paying attention!**

We survived?

Yep, look at that.  133.  It's a May the Fourth miracle!  May the Fourth be with you, everyone!

Q: What's the internal temperature of a tauntaun?
A: Luke warm.

He was a widower and she a widow. They had known each other for a number of years being high school classmates and having attended class reunions in the past without fail.

This 60th anniversary of their class, the widower and the widow made a foursome with two other singles. They had a wonderful evening, their spirits high. The widower threw admiring glances across the table; the widow smiled
coyly back at him.

Finally, he found the courage to ask her, "Will you marry me?" After about six seconds of careful consideration, she answered, "Yes,..... yes I will!"

The evening ended on a happy note for the widower. But the next morning he was troubled. Did she say “Yes” or did she say “No?” He couldn't remember. Try as he would, he just could not recall. He went over the conversation of the previous evening, but his mind was blank. He remembered asking the question but for the life of him he could not
recall her response. With fear and trepidation he picked up the phone and called her.

First, he explained that he couldn't remember as well as he used to. Then he reviewed the past evening. As he gained a little more courage he then inquired of her. "When I asked if you would marry me, did you say “Yes” or did you say “No?”

"Why you silly man, I said ‘Yes. Yes I will.’ And I meant it with all my heart." The widower was delighted. He felt his heart skip a beat. Then she continued. "And I am so glad you called because I couldn't remember who asked me!”

A guy walks into a bar, spots an attractive looking woman, walks up to her and says, "I'm a man of few words - will you or won't you." She looks at him and says, "Your place or mine." He responds, "Well, if we're going to have such a lengthy discussion about this let's just forget the whole thing!"

What happens to a frog's car when it breaks down?
It gets toad away.

Swiped from FB...

Little boy sitting in the bath tub, looking at his privates. Says 'Mommy are these my brains?' Mommy said 'Not yet'.

A pessimist sees a dark tunnel
An optimist sees light at the end of a tunnel
A realist sees a train rolling through a tunnel
An engineer sees three idiots standing on the railroad track in front of the tunnel.

Can't stop laughing at you guys. Toooo funny

>138 alco261:

>138 alco261: :-)

>138 alco261: I third Joe and Pete :-)

Q: What is a Wahine?
A: It's fast food. You eat it on a Bahun with some Mahustard.

King Richard III was found under a car park in Leicester recently. It is believed that Henry II is buried under a car park somewhere else. So where would you look for King Arthur's grave?

A: Under a multi-story car park.

Thanks to BBC4

>144 hfglen: - That got a good groan from my husband. :D

This is the actual conversation between two members of my distant relative youngsters.

A : So, where did you go for camping you said?
B : Uh, we went to Lake Mead. We camped there, and went to see Hoover Dam for the first time.
A : I heard there is no water, it must have been Ver Dam by now.
B : No, there was NO water. It was more like Damn.

Seen while browsing Reddit:

The Lone Ranger and Tonto were at the bar drinking, when in walks a cowboy who yells, "Who's white horse is that outside?"

The Lone Ranger finishes off his whiskey, slams down the glass, turns around and says, "It's my horse. Why do you want to know?"

The cowboy looks at him and says, "Well, your horse is standing out there in the sun and he don't look too good."

The Lone Ranger and Tonto run outside and they see that Silver is in bad shape, suffering from heat exhaustion. The Loan Ranger moves his horse into the shade and gets a bucket of water. He then pours some of the water over the horse and gives the rest to Silver to drink. It is then he notices that there isn't a breeze so he asks Tonto if he would start running around Silver to get some air flowing and perhaps cool him down.

Being a faithful friend, Tonto starts running around Silver. The Lone Ranger stands there for a bit then realizes there is not much more he can do, so he goes back into the bar and orders another whiskey.

After a bit a cowboy walks in and says, "Who's white horse is that outside?"

Slowly the Lone Ranger turns around and says, "That is my horse, what is wrong with him now?"

"Nothing," replies the cowboy, "I just wanted to let you know that you left your Injun running."

Ouch!

>144 hfglen: I don't get it.

>147 AHS-Wolfy: *groans*

>149 Morphidae: re: >144 hfglen: I think it is because multi-story carpark refers to all the various tales told about Arthur?

>150 MrsLee: Precisely.

Q: Why can't you run in a campground?
A: You can only ran, because it's past tents.

LOL

Why does it take hundreds of millions of sperm to fertilize one egg?

Because none of them will stop to ask for directions!

Q: What's the most difficult tea to swallow?
A: Reali-tea.

(heard on a cooking program on SATV)

>154 margd: So true ...

A maid approaches her mistress with a demand for higher pay.

"I deserve to be paid more!"
"Give me three good reasons why I should pay you more."
"I can iron better than you can."
"Who told you that?"
"Your husband told me that."
"What is your second reason?"
"I can cook better than you can."
"Who told you that?"
"Your husband told me that."
"What is your third reason?"
"I am a better lover than you."
"Did my husband tell you that?"
"No. The gardener told me that."

:D

To pass the time in the days of knights and armor when the men were away fighting some of the ladies of the castle would take a good book to bed with them while others made do with one of the pages.

> 159

But you should never bend over your pages!

What did one hat say to another?

You stay here, I'll go on a head!

What did the bra say to the hat?

You go on a head, I'll give these two a lift.

Why does a chicken coop have 2 doors?

Because if it had 4 doors it would be a chicken sedan!

(It's winter here in the southern hemisphere.)

Last night was so cold I saw a politician with his hands in his own pockets.

(It's summer here in the northern hemisphere.)

Last night was so hot I saw a politician lying by the pool.

If you have martians on Mars and Venusians on Venus, what do you have on Pluto?

Fleas.

". . . you have on Pluto . . .(166)"

I was going to say "Plutocrats" (though they
would probably do a fleas -- I mean FEASability
study to determine if there is money to be
made on Pluto.)

>166 hfglen: Good one--and timely!

(My friend guessed, "Plutonium?")

>167 rolandperkins:, >168 margd: Thank you. It came from the Idler column in the Mercury, our local morning paper, where it was paired with a version of the first flyby picture that had Disney's dog photoshopped on to the southern hemisphere. The caption made reference to a "computer enhanced" picture of Pluto :-)

A newly married blonde calls her mother in tears. She sobs, "Robert doesn't appreciate what I do for him."
"Now, now," her mother comforted, "I am sure it is all just a silly misunderstanding."
"I bought a frozen turkey loaf and he yelled at me about the price."
"Well, THAT is being miserly…" the mother agreed, "Those turkey rolls are only a few dollars."
"It wasn't the price of the turkey roll, it was the airplane ticket."
"Airplane ticket.... Why did you need an airplane ticket?"
"Well mother, when I went to fix it, I looked at the directions on the back and it said, 'Prepare from a frozen state,' so I flew to Alaska."

A police officer called the station on his radio.
"I have an interesting case here. An old lady shot her husband for stepping on the floor she just mopped."
"Have you arrested the woman?"
"Not yet. The floor's still wet."

>172 rgurskey: Brilliant!

The other day I held a door open for a clown. It was a nice jester.

I put my grandma on speed dial. I call it Instagram.

Energizer Bunny Arrested: Charged with Battery

Stealing someone's coffee is called mugging.

No matter how much you push the envelope, it will still be stationery.

O. M. G.

(I love puns...even when I'm groaning)

Few know that Bruce Lee had a brother who worked in a cereal factory.

Mues Lee.

>176 hfglen:... I resemble that remark! I once gave my older brother a bloody nose with a spinning karate chop (movie style) while wrapping gifts and watching a Bruce Lee film. My older brother's name is Bruce, mine is Lee. I kid you not.

>177 MrsLee: Yes, but was the film part of a serial? ;)

They are going to make a Jurassic World/Dune crossover.

The title: The Early Bird Catches the Worm.

>181 spartan: It is the, "BAD", joke thread so is in the perfect place.

;-)

>183 spartan: Nice one.

>186 spartan: You're on roll.

>186 spartan: Maybe you should change your name to butter...

>189 spartan: *curtsies*

Can't help it. It's ingrained.

>189 spartan: It is spreading.

It's kind of cheesy but I feel grate.

Now you're just milking it.

Don't go bacon my heart!

Like we knead any more.

It is not like we're getting any dough for this.

Let's have a picnic to celebrate. Alpaca lunch.

We should all stop loafing around on LT and do some work.

That's an idea worth spreading around, but right now I'm in a jam.

>204 Molly-the-Cat: :-) I feel like I'm going crackers, but that's honey to my ears.

>207 TotalBookcase: Raisin a toast to her for her sophistication

I bagel of you to stop! It's a real PITA trying to keep up with this bread thread. These puns are just too lavash! I knead to quit waffling and take a hardtack, and get a rye and soda.

>210 SylviaC: I agree with you! Lettuce leaf now.

>211 Jenni_Canuck: That reminds me of the honeymoon salad:lettuce alone.

I really seem to have (unintentionally) steak-ed my claim to this thread. Is somebody going to call Davy Croquette to move matters on?

Wow, all these crumbs of wisdom certainly are food for thought.

You've got me wonton more.

Speaking of food for thought .... This actually happened in my lovely city. A fast food employee called 911 because a customer threw a bag of marijuana at the employees at the counter (as payment? as a tip????? LOL) ..... which led someone to say this:

"Why did the cows return to the marijuana field?
It was the pot calling the cattle back."

Just thought I'd stop by and stir up the pot.

Lettuce finish this. I've herd enough.

This makes miso happy. Olive it!

>221 hawkwinds: But you can butter her up with compliments (or condiments).

How to call the Police

Phillip Hewitson, an elderly man, from Norwich UK, was going up to bed, when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turn off the light, but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.

He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?"

He said "No," but some people are breaking into my garden shed and stealing from me.

Then the police dispatcher said "All patrols are busy. You should lock your doors and an officer will be along when one is available."

George said, "Okay."

He hung up the phone and counted to 30.

Then he phoned the police again.

"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed.. Well you don't have to worry about them now because I just shot them." and he hung up.

Within five minutes, Six Police Cars, a SWAT Team, a Helicopter, two Fire Trucks, a Paramedic, and an Ambulance showed up at the Hewitson`s' residence, and caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the Policemen said to Phillip, "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"

Phillip said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"

:)

>225 Molly-the-Cat: Love it!

A couple go for a meal at a Chinese restaurant, and order the 'Chicken Surprise'. The waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot. Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises slightly and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around, before the lid slams back down.

'Good grief, did you see that?' she asks her husband. He hadn't, so she asks him to look in the pot. He reaches for it and again the lid rises and he sees two little eyes, looking around before it slams down.

Rather perturbed, he calls the waiter over, explains what is happening, and demands an explanation.

'Please sir,' says the waiter, 'what did you order?'

The husband replies, 'Chicken Surprise'

'Ah! So sorry,' says the waiter, 'I bring you Peeking Duck by mistake'.......

Another chicken story.....

I was driving up the motorway at 70 mph when I was passed by a running chicken - must have been doing at least 80. It was hard to be sure but I could have sworn that it had three legs. I had to follow it, of course, so I put my foot down. At the next exit the bird stuck out its left wing and shot up the slip road. I kept after it along a country road for a while until it put out its right wing and ran into a farmyard to join a small flock of - yes! - three-legged chickens.

Really curious now, I knocked on the door of the farmhouse. The farmer came to the door chewing on a straw the way farmers do and asked what I wanted. I told him about my chase after his speedy chicken. "I've never seen anything like it in my life", I said. "Aaarh! They be unusual birds", he replied, "Bred 'em myself, I did". "How come they have three legs?" I asked. "That's easy. When we has a bird on Sundays I like a leg, me wife likes a leg and me son likes a leg so I bred a three-legged fowl".

"Wow!" I exclaimed, "What do they taste like?"

"Dunno - ain't managed to catch one of the buggers yet!"

//gets ready to duck//

>229 abbottthomas: Calvinia Museum (Northern Cape) is famous for displaying a 4-legged ostrich chick. (Product of the fevered imagination of a hyperactive taxidermist, I have to add in all fairness.)

But I like your story!

Talking about three legged animals...

A tourist from the city passed a farmhouse and saw a pig with a wooden leg. He went to the farmer and asked him about the pig.

The farmer said, "Oh, this is a great pig! There's no pig like him anywhere! Once, when I was plowing a field, the tractor tipped over and pinned my leg to the ground. This pig saw me and went to the house to get my wife. He saved my life!

"Another time, my wife and I were asleep in the house when a fire started. This pig woke us up and got us out of the house before it burned down. He saved me again! He's a wonderful pig!"

"But you didn't tell us how he got the wooden leg," said the tourist.

"Oh," said the farmer, "a pig like that, you don't eat all at once!"

Archaeologists in Egypt recently found a mummy that was coated in chocolate and hazelnuts. The associated hieroglyphics informed them that the deceased was one Pharaoh Rocher.

Q: What do you call a bunny on a subway train?

A: Rabbit transit

I saw a poster for Donald Trump's campaign. It said: "We shall overcomb"

>234 hawkwinds: I thought you were in England. De Pharaoh was in de Nile ;-)

>233 hfglen: & >234 hawkwinds: I posted a punny reply, but somehow it is on the weekend thread, even though I SAW it here yesterday when I posted. Who is moving my stuff?! Ah well, it wasn't meant to be.

Nah, the moment has passed. I'll step aside and let the master jokesters continue. :D

Given the length of this thread I suspect this one is buried back there somewhere but in the event that it isn't

Then there was the case of the short, crooked, fortune teller who escaped from police custody - the evening news headline read - Small Medium at Large.

An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the old man passes gas and says, 'Seven Points.'

His wife rolls over and says, 'What in the world was that?' The old man replied, 'its fart football.'

A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says, 'Touchdown, tie score...'

After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says, 'Aha. I'm ahead 14 to 7.'

Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says, 'Touchdown, tie score.'

Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says, 'Field goal, I lead 17 to 14.' Now the pressure is on for the old man.

He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard.

Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he's got, and accidentally poops in the bed.

The wife says, 'What the hell was that?'

The old man says, 'Half time, switch sides

A shrimp cocktail walks into a bar and orders a drink.

The bartender says, "I'm sorry but we don't serve food."

A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.

I hope the link below works. If it does it will bring you to a video of some children telling the viewer about the "dad" jokes told by their dads. I do not know if they qualify for the "bad" joke thread. You be the judge.

https://www.facebook.com/Kiis1065/videos/443769345807886/?pnref=story

>253 spartan: Perfect!

>252 pgmcc: LOL, my children have suffered from almost every one of those! Some of them numerous times (all in the effort to get them to speak properly and think before they speak). Yes, we are evil.

A Jewish friend observed that by their calendar it's the year 5776, but by the Chinese calendar, it's the year 4713. "So", he says, "we had to live 1,053 years without Chinese food..."

Irish golfer: I'll never go back there! I was chased by a wasp at that golf club.
His friend: Are you sure it was a wasp?
Irish golfer: Of course I am. He kept yelling at me to leave. I guess they still don't allow Catholics at that club.

A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger standing in a pouring down rain is asking for a push. "Not a chance" says the husband - "It's three o'clock in the morning!" He slams the door and returns to bed.

"Who was it?" asks his wife. "Just a drunken stranger asking for a push" he answers. "Did you help him?" she asks. "No, I didn't - it's three in the morning and raining like mad out there!"

"Well you've got a short memory" says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down on the freeway and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him."

The man does as he is told and gets dressed and goes out into the pounding rain and calls out into the dark.

"Hello - are you still there?" "Yes," comes the answer. "Do you still want a push?" calls out the husband. "Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark. "Where are you?" asks the husband. "Over here, on the swing" the drunk replies.

>261 Jenni_Canuck: that's much too good for this thread!

>262 Jim53: ;)

Lllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllol!!!! Snort-laughing!! Sigh -- so funny! :)

...and then there was the guy who held up a store with a pricing gun..he threatened to mark down everything unless they gave him the money in the cash register.

An old man saw a small boy sitting on a park bench crying. He went over to the young man and asked him why he was cryint. "Because I can't do what the big boys can do." came the reply. The old man thought a moment and then sat down on the bench with the small boy and started crying himself.

A middle-aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table, she had a near death experience. Seeing God, she asked, "Is my time up?" God said, "No, you have another 43 years, two months and eight days to live."

Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a facelift, liposuction and tummy tuck. Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well look fab.

Following her final cosmetic operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was struck and killed by an ambulance. Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 40 years? Why didn't you pull me out of the path of that ambulance?" God replied, "Girl, I didn't recognize you!"

What is a tree's least favorite month

Sep-TIMBER!

(Happy fall :-)

:))

Love these!!!

A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts, "Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?" The man below says: "Yes. You're in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field."

"You must work in Information Technology," says the balloonist.

"I do," replies the man. "How did you know?"

"Well," says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but it's no use to anyone."

The man below says, "You must work in business."

"I do," replies the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well," says the man, "You don't know where you are, or where you're going, but you expect me to be able to help. You're in the same position you were before we met, but now it's my fault."

Ha! Nice one.

>270 Jim53: I'm sharing this with my IT friends :D

How does the moon cut his hair?

Eclipse it!

My urologist asked if he could examine me and I said, "Sure, doc, have a ball!"

He laughed lightly and said, "Yeah, I've heard that one before."

Did you hear oxygen and potassium went on a date?
It went OK.

Not even a week later, oxygen and magnesium went out.
OMg.

Oxygen then tried to ask nitrogen out.
She said NO.

>275 margd: Those are shocking! I have a friend who will love them.

If Nitrogen had been a twin, we would have had N2O, which would have been a laughing matter.

My battery had an alkali problem, so it went to AA meetings.

(From a New Scientist article on giving robots a sense of humour.)

>278 hfglen: Perhaps we should let the robots develop their own sense of humour.

When Hydrogen played Oxygen
The game had just begun when
Hydrogen scored two quick points
And Oxygen had none,
Then Oxygen scored a single goal
And thus it did remain
Hydrogen 2, Oxygen 1,
called because of rain.
...so much for chemistry

My husband said he went on a potassium-fluoride-carbon diet. It tasted like chicken.

I was reading a book on helium the other day. I just couldn't put it down.

> 282

Up, up, and away.

What happens when you mix alcohol and literature?

tequila mockingbird

I got a sandwich at the sub shop, and they helpfully wrote the type of sub on the bag:



It was a 12-inch.

Where's the beef?

>286 suitable1: Don't beef about it. (Stiff upper lip and all, what?)

So it said porn. Don't have a cow, dude.

My wife and I were in bed watching "Who Wants to be a Millionaire?" when I turned to her and asked
"Do you want to have sex?"
"No."
"Is that your final answer?"
"Yes."
"Then I'd like to phone a friend."
That's when the fight started.

What's red and smells like blue paint?
Red paint!

How do you fix a broken jack-o-lantern?
With a pumpkin patch!

A man with a cucumber in his ear, a carrot in his nose, and a tomato in his eye walks into the doctor's office. He says, "Doc, I'm not feeling well. What's wrong with me?"
The doctor says, "First of all, you're not eating right...."

*groan*

What time do you go to the dentist?

Tooth-Hurtie!

Doctor: “How can I help you?”

Herman: “Doctor, I feel really ill. I have this problem. Every bar I go into, I steal all the balls off the pool table, take them home and eat them.”

Doctor: “That is very unusual. How do you manage to eat them?”

Herman: “I have three red balls for breakfast. The black, yellow and two more reds for lunch. Brown, blue and two more reds at supper-time.”

Doctor: “ I can see why you feel so ill, you're not eating enough greens.”

Last night I had a few drinks too many, so I did something that I have never done before: I took a taxi home. As I feared, there was a police roadblock set up between the bar and my home, but of course they waved the taxi on through. I got home safely, which was a real surprise, since I've never driven a taxi before and I'm not sure whose it was.

>294 Jim53: *snort*

>294 Jim53: Love it!!

My wife got so drunk in the bar last month that I got a taxi for her.

Best swap I ever did.

Me: *Hic!* "I'm too drunk to drive home, can you call me a taxi"

Barman: "Certainly sir. You're a taxi!"

Three really drunk guys entered a taxi. The taxi driver knew that they were really really drunk so he started the engine, turned it off again and said, "We're here. That will be 20 bucks." The first guy gave him $20 plus a $5 tip; the second guy said "Thank you"; but the third guy slapped the driver. The driver was shocked thinking the third guy knew what he had done but, when he asked "What was that for?", the third guy said, "Control your speed next time, you nearly killed us!"

Q: Why did the traffic light turn red?
A: You would too, if you had to change in the middle of an intersection.

My sons are checking out Star Wars memes:

Q: Why did episodes 4, 5 and 6 come before 1,2 and 3?

A: Because Yoda in charge of planning was.

I was browsing the Internet and found a website called, conjunctivitis dot com.

Now there's a site for sore eyes.

A couple of guys skip out of work one afternoon to play golf. There is a party of women playing ahead of them and going very slowly. One guy says, I'll go up and ask if we can play through. A moment later, before reaching the women, he turns and comes back. "What happened?" asked the second guy. The first responds, "That's my wife and my mistress up there." The second guy snickers and says, "No problem, I'll go ask them." A minute later he stalks back, not having spoken to the women. He turns to the first guy and snarls, "Small world."

How did the hipster burn his tongue?

He drank tea before it was cool.

>303 mrgrooism: Groan!

I like it.

>303 mrgrooism: Love it! I was able to remember it for one of the customers who comes into the dealership every week to tell horrible jokes. :) He liked it too. I was a little afraid he wouldn't know what a hipster was though.

I tried to catch some fog. I mist.

PMS jokes aren't funny. Period.

What would you call a tick that feeds on world football?

Sepp-tic.

Today's bad joke:

2015

Moved to
Bad Joke of the Day 7 (1 of 2016).