The Book Therapist: Urania Sets All Straight

A certain naughty dictator, a dictator a bit full of himself (I will not divulge his identity as I am couth), has bitten his thumb at me. When I did protest, "Dictator do you bite your thumb at me?" he responded, "I do but bite my thumb," said response accompanied by an uncouth gesture that proper decorum forbids me to describe on a public forum. This "person" has also hotly denied having a Schwärmerei for Harry Potter, even though this unnamed dictator was spotted bloodying little children's noses and trampling on well-meaning soccer moms in his haste to get to the front of the line at the last HP Barnes and Noble release party. I was shocked, they were shocked, J. K. Rowling was shocked. I am sure you are shocked as well. The Naughty Hottie, whose identity he has appropriated for his own fell purposes, reports that s/he too was shocked.

This lewd rabble rouser, whose name I will not divulge, has also been casting aspersions on innocent lasses, unsuspecting faeries, and Robert Burton's Anatomy of Melancholy. It is time, I say, to rebel, to declare a new thread, to submit as it were A DECLARATION OF CLARITY AND SANITY amidst all the mayhem engendered by the Mayhemming One.

Therefore let it be said, with vim and vigor but not vituperativeness – no, never vituperativeness, the following:

When in the Course of human events, it becomes necessary for a person to dissolve the literary bands which have connected her to an aspersion-casting, mayhemming, and sock-stealing dictator, and to assume among the powers of the earth, the separate and equal station to which Lady Wortley Montagu, Shakespeare, and possibly John Cowper Powys entitle her, a decent respect to the opinions of Salonistas requires that she should declare the causes which impel her to set up a separate thread of CLARITY AND SANITY (reasons listed above).

Henceforth let it be known that the The Book Therapist's office is now open for questions, book advice, alternative readings of texts, and exegesis. For a discreet sum, Mother Urania will also listen to public confessionals and dispense penance.

Love love love it! Such exquisite penmanship, U!

I love Uraniaalways#1! Suh-weet!

Dear Urania1,

I recently got me an apple crate full of books at what essentially amounted to a "going out of business" sale. R.I.P., Acres of Books, Long Beach, CA, long the haunt of Ray Bradbury who spoke and read there dozens of times over the decades.

I hope you'll take me on as a patient, and that your couch is black leather, for I've acquired books by writers I do not know, but am sure you know, as you are clear and sane above all other so-called "salonistas".

Urania#1, my first inquiry I'm hoping you can help me with, is ... Laura Talbot and her novel, The Gentlewomen, a Virago Modern Classic (stellar press!) of which I've way too few. Is The Gentlewomen a good read, would you say?

Her marriages (if not her life) sound fascinating! Humbly awaiting your good word(s) on the matter.

Your faithful patient, Henri.

Dear Henri,

Of Laura Talbot's life and marriages, I feel it would be untoward to address on this thread. Perhaps others will be moved to take up these matters elsewhere. The protagonist of The Gentlewomen, one Miss Bolby, is a gentlewoman albeit a snobbish and petty-minded one. She is also a gentlewoman of reduced circumstances impelled to pay the bills by taking temporary stints as a governess. I quite enjoyed the book as I find the inner workings of snobbish, petty, and snide minds entertaining. I might also recommend Devoted Ladies by Molly Keane.

Vis-à-vis my couch and its upholstery, it is damask silk of an antique and indeterminate shade of yellow.

I hope these answers have alleviated your worries.

Sincerely,
Dr. Urania Freud-Newton

Thank U, for such a swift reply. My anxiety is greatly diminished now. It was tacky of me to mention Laura Talbot's four marriages, one to another writer, Patrick Hamilton (is he any good? his books, I mean) and then one, her last, to William James, that famous philosopher head shrinker, brother of Henry.

Urania, I confess I do have a mild(?) Harry Potter problem, as I first admitted to earlier today here: http://www.librarything.com/topic/97914#2175849

I think it could be related to my hairy potty training as a tot. Can book therapy, in your expert opinion, provide me with a cure?

Your patient patient, Henri

Oh dear God, Urania, I just had a memory! I was at a midnight Harry Potter release party at Borders ... until 3:30am, accompanied by a HP-jonesing juvenile relative of mine.

How sick do you think I am?

Dear Henri,

Vis-à-vis your questions about Patrick Hamilton and William James, I fear they tread too closely on the affairs marital and otherwise of Lady Ursula Chetwynd-Talbot whose personal life I emphatically decline to discuss.

However, if we must discuss the writing of the two gentlemen in question, let me say this. William James was imminently sensible. When Gertrude Stein was a wee tot at Radcliffe, she studied with William James. On the day of her final exam in his class, she turned in the following answer to a question about which I am not informed. "Dear Professor James, The weather is far too nice to spend the morning answering exam questions." Having briefly responded, she turned in her exam and retired forthwith to partake of the sylvan pleasures of nature. She received an A+ for her brilliant answer with the following comment from the master himself: "Dear Miss Stein, I quite understand." Whether or not her response was an example of normal motor automatism which she and Professor James studied together is unclear. Likewise it is not known if Professor James was under the influence of normal motor automatism when he graded her exam.

As for "Mr." Hamilton, he discourses much on the matter of drink in his novel Hangover Square - a topic with which he was regrettably all too familiar. Mr. Gorse of the eponymous Gorse Trilogy drinks often and heavily. If the subject of alcohol moves you, read Patrick Hamilton. NYRB has reprinted his Slaves of Solitude. I can offer no comment as I have not read the book.

Sincerely,
Dr. Urania Freud-Newton

Regarding your question, "How sick do you think I am," I must respond, "Quite sick."

Regarding your response, Dr. U., I thought so. I'm thinking maybe I should read some Kathy Acker tonight to help with my illness. Good book therapy, Kathy Acker? Sometimes, Dr. U., I read her stuff, say, Pussy, King of the Pirates, or My Mother: Demonology, and I'm so bizzaro'd out that it's like having given myself a psychic enema, and all my mental crap has just been flushed out, and I can think clearly and sanely, know what I mean?

You mentioned her, Kathy Acker, recently, in another thread. I think you could've helped her. Did you ever see her sit down interview with William S. Burroughs? Check it out! Now there's two peas in a straitjacket, if there ever were two peas in a straitjacket!

Nah, just because they wrote weird shit, doesn't make them fodder for the nut house. I suffer, Dr. U., off and on, with a fetish for hyperbole. Do know what that's called? I'm sure it ends with an "ism" something-or-other.

So, my question for you now, is, which Kathy Acker book should I use to shock myself tonight?

p.s. Do you think Janea Jones might join us? Did you see that hot review of hers: http://www.librarything.com/work/144359/reviews/62869627 ? I like it, and that book too.

Oh, the two of you are far too erudite and witty for me......

To: EnriqueFreeque

Dear Henri,

You should definitely eschew Kathy Acker for the moment. In your current mental state, which is highly unstable on your good days, reading Kathy Acker is rather like piling Pelion on Ossian. And while I am on the subject of your reading material, which of late I find highly disturbing given your unbalanced mental condition, I think you should avoid writers such as Stephen King. Your obsession with this writer and others of his ilk troubles me. You need a carefully managed dose of reading material from the milquetoast school of writing combined with works that add strong and stabilizing mental fiber, a necessary mental nutrient you currently lack. For now, I recommend Little Lord Fauntleroy for your morning milquetoast, followed by a modicum of Kant in the evening, perhaps his essay "What Is Enlightenment," the reading of which should carefully supervised by me. Depending on the efficacy of this treatment course, we may perhaps follow up with a reading of Bab A Sub-Deb, a highly amusing, fiction-lite novel about the travails of an impetuous and hyper-imaginative young woman. I would, however, prefer to pursue this last book with care. Although it often serves as a cautionary tale for patients, the general hilarity of the book can produce in some readers the desire to emulate young Bab's behavior. Under no circumstances should you read The Technology of Orgasm, a wonderful book but highly inappropriate for a hyper-excitable personality such as yours. Our long-term goal is, of course, to empower you sufficiently to read The Faerie Queene. I do think that secondary consultation with Dr. Janeajones would be helpful.

As for your question about the exact term for "fetish for hyperbole," the word you seek is bullshit.

Sincerely,
Dr. Urania Freud-Newton

cc: Dr. Janeajones

Dear Dr Urania,

For a while now I have had a fetish with the beards of hairy geniuses. This has been the main motivation for my two years study of Dostoevsky, who was distinctly hairy towards the end of his life. Tolstoy and Nietzsche were also hirsute. I am wondering if there might be a connection between abundant facial hair and a fundamentalistic mentality.

I am having problems, though, reconciling my great love of Dosotevsky's (please note official Salon spelling) art, with my outrage at his views, as expressed in The Diary of the Writer. I am thinking of taking a razor to my chin.

What do you advise? I am at my wits' end.

Dear Murr,

I understand your concern. How does one separate the beard from the wo/man particularly when one wishes to distance oneself from that which is simultaneously the object of desire and distaste? Must one separate one's self from the beard or risk embracing psychosis? Most emphatically no. The fetish you describe frequently manifests itself in cats, artists, and the hairy geniuses themselves. Opinions differ about its genealogy. According to Doctor Sevillius von Haariger-Bart ("Dynamic genome structuring of the mammalian and feline beard fetish with a note on reptiles," J Am Acad Dermatol. 2009 3:633-7) with whom I concur, all human and feline mammals as well as a few reptiles share this fetish. Most of the aforementioned sublimate this desire, the consequences of which have proven disastrous for the environment as well as civilization – human and otherwise. Wit not your end. Sheath your razor.

I am concerned about your use of the term fundamentalistic. Is this word in the OED?

Sincerely,
Dr. Urania Freud-Newton

Henri,

Noncompliance with your treatment regimen will get you nowhere. Stop reading The Corset: A Cultural History. I know the book provides fascinating insights into the cultural development of the corset (not to mention gorgeous illustrations), but now is not the time for deviation from your prescribed reading.

Sincerely,
Dr. Urania Freud-Newton

I'm sorry I missed our last four sessions, Dr. U. I promise to do better. But are you really supposed to sit so close to me? And put your hands on me? Isn't that a No-No in the therapeutic relationship?

I'm sorry for reading The Corset too. Even though I like it, and have been tempted to use it in inappropriate ways, I'll stop. Is it okay, though, if I read The Girls Next Door by Paul Ruditis? I noticed that I had, apparently, written a review of it: http://www.librarything.com/work/7458166/reviews/56294267 a long, long time ago, but I don't remember doing so. Who is this naughtyhottie, Dr. U.? I'm scared. And confused. Am I like that person in The Three Faces of Steve? Am I going to be screwed up forever?

Please help me get your hands off my boy parts.

LOVE LOVE LOVE this thread (do i hear an Echo?)

I play the part of Book Therapist in my gnarly neck-of-the-woods...but receive nowhere near the pithy queries as your Learnedness? Mostly, I have gals asking about the latest Romance Novels....asking me...what never reads Romance. Can't they see that by scanning my shelves? Or, maybe, they're scanning something other than my shelves..I keep the money under the mattress, girls! Hah!

Oh, I harbor an abiding love for The Anatomy of Melancholy...does that mean I'm chronically depressed...or merely addicted to Burton's minutiae?

Ta-Ta!

For the record: I just effed up royally. I know it may look like it was done purposely, based on the ... weird content of this thread, but I did not intentionally post in message 13 under "thenaughtyhottie".

I had two windows open, one the hotties, and Enrique's, simultaneously, so I could reference that book the hottie reviewed way back when, but somehow, when I wrote the post, I accidentally posted as the hotty. Stupid stupid stupid mistake, and one that very well may get me suspended, as an "alert Tim" message went up when I hit "Submit".

Let's lay off and leave Tim alone and not raise a ruckus if for zero tolerance reasons he has no choice but to suspend me for my idiocy in making this mistake. I'm serious. Lay off him. It's not his fault that I screwed up a few minutes ago. I've sent him a pm explaining what happened. I'll accept whatever consequences I must for this dumb dumb booboo of mine.

Dear Doctor Urania,
In view of the ruckus about to unfold as a result of Henri's mistake (yeah, right!) could you please prescribe me some effexor, some .... mmmm what do I want now, some prozac, and and some.....erispan, and a dose of escapist literature.

Thank ee kindly.

>17 QuentinTom: I've got some Xanax, here...Tomcat. Don't know if it will go when I click "send", however.

Freeque...that'll teach you to work the Split-Personality angle here on LT...Tim frowns..i can sense it

;-}

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Question: What's going on in this picture?

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Methinks some prevarication is afoot as viragodive and urania1 have declared themselves friends under LT's Member Connections.....

You have reached the offices of Drs. Urania Freud-Newton, Victor Festekorsetts-Newton, Newton Newton-Newton, and Sigfried Newton Freud-Freud. To leave a message with Dr. Urania Freud-Newton, please press 1 now. For Dr. Victor Festekorsetts-Newton, please press 2 now. For all other doctors, please press 3 now. If this is the month of August or an emergency, please stop reading Empire of the Senseless and contact Doctor Tarr and Professor Fether.

Dr. U

In recent travels, I bought out City Light's entire stock of Clarice Lispector's works, as well as a copy of a biography (they had more copies of the biography than the works, wouldn't you know?) of the woman. I blame you. Not my mother, you. It is your fault. UUU.

Dear Amusing,

In any therapeutic relationship, the analysand inevitably experiences transference. I am not your mother, though your comment clearly indicates your need to place me in that position so you can explore your conflicted feelings about her. As part of your treatment regimen, I am prescribing a total emersion in the novel Look Homeward, Angel, Thomas Wolfe's scantily disguised autobiography. Like you, Wolfe had a vexed relationship with his mother. Her infantilization of him did not help matters. Unable to break with the breast, Wolfe frequently stalked off to do "something nasty in the woodshed."

Moreover, Wolfe's failure to individuate properly profoundly affected his writing and his overworked editor–"father" Maxwell Perkins. Wolfe's substitution of words for the mother's milk resulted in a life-long case of logorrhea. Poor Perkins had to cut sixty thousand words from the manuscript of LHA, and even that drastic cut was insufficient. Eventually Wolfe turned on Perkins, declaring that their "friendship" had become a "mythology," which in the Freudian schema it was. Perkins played the role of "father" not only to Wolfe but also to other aspiring writers. F. Scott Fitzgerald explicitly acknowledged this relationship. In a letter to Perkins, Fitzgerald writes "what a time you've had with your sons [Hemingway, Fitzgerald, and Wolfe]." One might say Wolfe interpreted Perkins' massive editorial cuts as an attempt to steal the metaphorical milk.

I hear your anger. It is important, however, that you continue to show up for our sessions. Unless you come to terms with your anger about your mother, you will drown in the womb waters of unresolved Oedipal desire, which will likely cause hairy palms and bed wetting.

Sincerely,
Dr Urania Freud-Newton

In addition to Wolfe, I am also prescribing Are You My Mother?. Read the latter book every evening before going to bed.

Oh, Bosh. I specifically said I don't blame my mother. I blame the therapist.

So now you're saying I should give up the Lispector and read Wolfe? But I've read Wolfe, and learned You Can't Go Home Again. Generally, I didn't think Wolfe was worth ready once you'd crossed 17.

Again, it's the therapists fault. The damned Lispector pushing therapist. They shouldn't give you the power to prescribe books.

Dr. Freud-N,
Did you ever read Robertson Davies' trilogy that started with Fifth Business? I can't remember the name of the trilogy itself for some reason but one of the books had a whole subplot about a character going through therapy and falling in love with his therapist as part of the process. I read it much too young (I think I was around 12) and found it weird, unnatural and disturbing.

Although message 26 wasn't addressed to me, let me join in to say that the name of the trilogy that starts with Fifth Business is The Deptford Trilogy. The second volume is The Manticore and the third World of Wonders.

27: Thanks!

#19 The only thing I see going on in that picture is the kiddie porn.

Speaking of Robertson Davies...there is also The Cornish Trilogy.....which includes The Rebel Angels,What's Bred in the Bone, & The Lyre of Orpheus....a delightful(ly) satirical romp through Academia and Mysticism. I read this one before Deptford....and found it to be much more better than...

;-}

30: I preferred the Cornish Trilogy too. Partly I think because I was older and more ready for it, but also I think it was just better.

I've only read Deptford. Hard to believe Cornish is even better...

The last three posts have been rather normal?, wouldn't you say? What's with this blatant normalcy of normal sounding posts suddenly?

30-32> Don't you guys have any problems or issues or psychopathologies of a bibliophilish nature you'd like to seek some treatment for from Dr. U.?

And don't tell me you're "fine." That's bunk. Because you're not "fine"! What's the name of that river that flows north through Egypt? ... De-Nile? Hmmm.

Maybe the one that flows south is De-Fine.

Robert

Enough with shrinks. Can someone open a methadone clinic around here? Maybe get me away from mainlining this Lispector stuff and get me on something gentler and harmless... maybe Hemingway... maybe after just one more Lispector.... Soulstorm.... Hmmmm.... Soulstorm.....

>35 A_musing:

Gentler and harmless...maybe Hemingway

are you crazy? HEMINGWAY was overdosed on Testosterone.... I own one Lispector....

Given this thread:

Dear Dr Urania

Why, why am i stlil addicted to the novels of Rikki Ducornet.???

Dr. Freud-Newton,

Based on this description of my Tolkien condition on another thread, do I have a problem? And is there a Tolkien Geeks Anonymous for me?

(responding to the question "why can't you watch the LOTR movies?")

"I would end up being murdered by a family member.

I mutter at the screen. I make sarcastic remarks. I get indignant. Meanwhile the hapless other person/people are trying to watch the film. I've been asked to leave the room. I get so frustrated with little things that are different (let alone the major things) that I myself leave the room of my own accord. I am a purist. I love the book and practically have it memorized.

Examples: Segues that skip stuff, I will always notice and mention (e.g., the fact that they skipped the Old Forest). If one character says something that another character says in the book, I will point it out. If a key piece of dialog is not there, I will recite it.

I am insufferable when it comes to LOTR and no movie will ever satisfy me. The only way it would work is if they turned the book into an epic screenplay that would take decades to produce and a year to watch."

Music therapy for anna: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zJlI5HdSvUE

I sense a general lack of compliance from most of you, typical of this time of year.

Dear Amusing,

You are not in need of methadone. It will not solve your problems. I would like you to take several deep breaths and tell me about your relationship with your mother. What was her relationship with books? Did she have hairy palms or bedwetting problems? Did she make you read certain books, books, which gave you bad dreams and nasty thoughts?

Please keep in mind, I am your friend. There is nothing wrong with reading Clarice Lispector. You need not feel ashamed. But you need to accept your responsibility in buying Lispector. Remember. I am your therapist, not your mother.

Dear Henri,

It is obvious from post 14 that you are having a flashback, not unusual in children who have been sexually abused or locked out of closets. I want the Henri part to close your eyes. You are getting sleepy. When you wake up you will not remember anything that will upset you.

Good, now I would like to speak to the Naughty Hottie part. Naughty H., could you please tell me about the first time Tim put his hands on Henri's boy parts. It is important to tell Dr. Urania all about this, so she can help the Henri part get better.

Dear Jude,

It is important to distinguish the difference between addiction and intelligence. I would not call yours an addiction to Ducornet; rather, I see it as the manifestation of an extremely high intelligence. If you have not read Gazelle, do so. Every day, I want you to go to a public place (not the bathroom dear) and read just a wee bit of Ducornet. Start with a paragraph and move up to a page at a time. We will continue to work on this problem. I will see you next week at the usual time.

Sincerely,
Dr. Urania Freud-Newton

I see that some boundary setting is needed. There will be no reading of Ernest Hemmingway while in my waiting room or office. It sets a bad precedent for the other patients.

To all peeping toms (and thomasinas): The Robertson Davies and Christian Science Reading Room is located here.

Your offices seem to have been vandalized! I saw the door open and...

Dear slick,

First you are defrocked for drawing pictures of Hemmingway's herhum on the prayer missals. Then the American Society of Dermatology revokes your license for playing gynecology at the office. And now this. If I must I will call Oakes Spalding . . . and you know what that means.

Sincerely,
Dr Urania Freud-Newton

Good luck calling Oakes.

Have a nice day,

Robert

Dr Urania F-N:

I have read Gazelle, and six others..by Ms Ducornet..Today i pulled all 7 off of their shelf, in an effort of conversion....mayhap I'll have some luck..I do so love to push books (beats pushin' crack, no?)

;-}

Advice to Psychologists
You spies that pierce the mind with trenches,
Feasting your eyes through private panes,
Who, not content with Heavenly stenches,
Insist on taking up the drains,

For you I've only two suggestions,
Who prowl with torches in thie Bog -
Small good you'll get from asking questions;
Walk on your nostrils, like a dog.

Kenneth Slessor

I think Oakes would liven up this group immensely. I can only imagine the blizzard of flags that would descend on our quiet little village.

There once was a man named Spalding
I know not if he was balding
But this I can say
When he comes around
Don't make a sound
Or he'll pound you all day

Well, what do you expect for two minutes worth of versifying?

Dear Anna,

When I encounter LOTR movie lovers, I immediately commit them to a mental institution. They are a danger to themselves and others.

Sincerely,
Dr. Urania Freud-Newton

I read these books as a child, Dr. U!

Dear Henri,

I have long suspected that you never progressed beyond the anal stage. Your childhood reading material suggests as much.

.



You need to leave your poop alone and get back to reading Kant. Have you even started Kant? I didn't think so. And please tell Tim and Oakes to quit playing with your poop. It is not nice.

Sincerely,
Dr. Urania Freud-Newton

Dear Murr,

Perhaps this book will help you embrace your hair fetish.



Sincerely,
Dr. Urania Freud-Newton

Many of my patients have expressed shame about their urination anxiety. They want drugs for this. I refuse. Drugs are not conducive to the psychoanalytic process. Instead, I give them a handy flow chart, which I am posting for any who might suffer from urination anxiety.



Sincerely,
Dr. Urania Freud-Newton

Most helpful, thank you. But there is no mention of a litter tray.

Please advise. And hurry. I'm bursting.

Many of my patients worry about fecal transit time. Is it too slow? Is it too fast? If you suffer from fecal transit time anxiety, I recommend Dave Praeger's book Poop Culture: How America Is Shaped by Its Grossest National Product



Sincerely,
Dr. Urania Freud-Newton

Dear Murr,

I sympathize with your frustration. Unfortunately, most books on inappropriate urination and defecation are anthropocentric, a horrible bias in my opinion, and not conducive to cat health. I suggest you find a litter box quickly.

Sincerely,
Dr. Urania Freud-Newton

Obviously, Tim is trying to edit this message.

#47, EF please be careful when linking to pages on The Huffington Post. For whatever reason many of their pages, including the one linked to in msg #47 don't go back. Once you get there the only way back is to reload the URL you came from and take the time to drill down to where you were. Very sloppy on the part of HuffPost, and frustrating when encountered. I find, for all the resources it has, HuffPost is in some ways a crappy website not only structurally, but content-wise as well.

Sorry for the interruption, Dr. U. Please, carry on. Or should I say Carry on, Dr. U. Or is it carrion, Dr. U?

I think "whatever reason" is "to artifically inflate their page count."

Wasn't aware there was a problem linking to that site.

Artificially inflating their page count makes me think of silicone breast enhancement.

Me too.

It's just another little deceit we learn to put up with in life. The only problem, to paraphrase Everett Dirksen, a little deceit here, a little deceit there, and pretty soon we're talking about a whopping big lie.

I dislike liars and other frauds. That's why I've gotten tired of politics. It's become a game of building castles in the air. Does anyone know what is actually going on? Not anyone likely to tell us.

A man I admire immensely is credited with saying, "The truth shall make you free." I think he was on to something there.

HENRI,

Stop reading Spanking Shakespeare this instant and get back to reading your Kant. No excuses and NO backchat.

Sincerely,
Dr. Urania Freud-Newton

"You shall know the truth, and the truth shall set you free."

~ Jesus Christ said that. I believe John 8:32, off the top of my head, if memory serves.

HENRI,

Stop reading the Bible and get back to Kant NOW.

But I kant!

If Hegel wanted a bagel, would he go to a supermarxist or a dialectessen?

I hear Immanuel Kant was a real pissant who was very rarely able.

Ah, but Kant was so regular in all his daily habits that the good citizens of Konisberg would set their clocks when he took his morning constitutional (walk that is).

Afternoon walk, I believe. Let me look it up.

Robert

"The street he walked daily at 3:30 is still called the "Philosophengang" (The Philosopher's Walk) in his memory." From: http://courseweb.stthomas.edu/paschons/language_http/essays/Kant.html

Robert

Bang!

I bow to your expertise Mr. Durick. I sit corrected.