His needs, her needs

My wife and I listened to this book together on a long car ride, where we could pause and discuss when prompted. This is the worst book on marriage that I have read, there are a host of others I would recommend above it. While Harley claims to write from a Christian worldview, the Gospel and the meaning of marriage is completely absent from this book. That, alone, makes it ineffectual and makes me sad that it's held up by so many Christians. If you have an incorrect view of what marriage represents, then you will also diagnose and treat conflict within the marriage incorrectly. In this book, humans are nothing more than products of biology responding to various stimuli and cognitive biases. Therefore, this is a 2-star book at best. My show more understanding is much of the material of the book comes from the 1970s, even though the first printing was 1995 and this was an updated 2001 version.
Over this book I would recommend Arterburn's Seven Minute Marriage Solution, Emerson Eggerichs' Love and Respect, and many more.

Harley breaks down the basic needs of husbands and wives into five each, focusing more on the male aspects. He is a psychologist and I felt he was coming at everything from an old-school Freudian approach-- everything on the male side comes down to sexual fulfillment. He makes the false claim that 50% of spouses are sexually unfaithful. The reader is treated to the sordid details of stories of extramarital affairs, perhaps made up whole cloth by Harley.

Men's needs:
1. Sexual fulfillment
2. Recreational companionship- the wife should take an interest in doing things the husband likes-- watching football, for example. If she tries it and really doesn't like it, she should find something else they can do together. Couples should spend "15 hours a week" of "undivided attention" on each other, doing the same things.
3. An attractive spouse- there is very little in this book about acceptance and celebration of differences. The wife should change her weight, clothes, and hair to suit her husband. If he doesn't find her "irresistible" he will likely have a passionate affair from which he'll never completely recover.
4. Domestic support- The wife should not pursue a career, and if she does work household chores should be divided according to the needs of the husband. Harley had a good point here about making a list of everything that needed to be done in the house and having each partner put priorities on the item. Whoever ranks something with the highest priority gets to be responsible for that chore.
5. Admiration - This mostly came at the end of the book, which is a shame because respect really is ultimate to a husband and is the driver (not sex) behind many of the affairs Harley describes.

Women's needs:
1. Affection - Men should learn to be more affectionate. (Eggerichs would just focus on #5 above and #1 here).
2. Conversation - women have affairs with men who will actively listen to them.
3. Honesty and openness - Husbands should have no problem turning their schedules over to their wives, especially if they've been unfaithful.
4. Financial support - Men should be the breadwinners.
5. Family commitment - Fathers should be dads, otherwise women will have affairs with other men who will raise their children better-- including relatives of the biological father. Harley writes that there should be 15 hours together with the children (is that added to the 15 hours of undivided attention for the spouse as well, or do parents get out of that?).

I think my wife was most offended by the section where Harley tells women readers to do their hair nicely, consume fewer calories, exercise more, and consult magazine articles for tips on beauty, or else their husband will cheat on them. Most books on marriage deal with the importance of the man fulfilling his wife's needs during daylight hours ("women are ovens, men are microwaves") by being a supportive husband, this did not put as much impetus on the man. It's up to the woman to respond to her husband's wants, no matter what.

There is no grace in this book, no acceptance of your spouse as a spiritual creature with a history and a brain, no dealing with expectations or letting go of them and preconceived notions of marital bliss, and no growing together to be like Christ. Your wife is a biological partner you can have fun with, nothing more. While he strongly cautions against divorce, he is pretty flippant in saying sometimes these things just don't work out.

Read this book if you're not a Christian but want a step-by-step how-to guide to fix your marriage as though it were a piece of IKEA furniture. show less

I was appalled. As I recall it proposed to base happiness in a marriage on superficial, co-dependent "needs." Good for shallow couples, I guess.

If I'm remembering right, it did have one point that I could agree with -- that is, to think of a relationship as having a "love bank," meaning that you couldn't keep making withdrawals without making deposits. If that is done by a partner or both partners, eventually the love balance is zero.

This book has some value points and I think accurately describe what are commonly men's and women's desires. I think this book can help partners understand the others desires which helps inform how to love them in a way that they feel loved. The flaw in the book is calling these "desires" people have "needs", and failing to recognize that when these "needs" aren't met, that it is a an opportunity to grow. We are not beasts driven by our passions and hungers.

Dr. Harley was one of the first to write about how spouses can better understand their mates and meet their needs.
His premise is that the key to a successful marriage is learning to meet each others needs. If your need for sex, affection, recreational companionship, financial support (etc. --there are ten) is not being met than you may very well find someone else who meets that need more attractive than your mate--and an affair may result. So if a spouse can learn to bank enough deposits in his or her spouses "love bank" by meeting his or her needs, than he or she can "affair-proof" the marriage.
I found the concept helpful and the needs mentioned rang true to me. Marriage shouldn't be based on just a mutual meeting of needs--what if one show more spouse is ill and can't meet those needs? The commitment that to split up would be to disobey God has to be the rock that it all stands on. But with that foundation, learning to meet the needs of your spouse will make living out that rock solid commitment much more enjoyable. show less

Harley's classic book, first-published in the mid-1980s, has been updated for a new generation. Harley explains how different the needs of men and women are and how failure of a spouse to meet one of the needs often leads to affairs. Harley calls for transparency in the marriage. This is perhaps the section that has seen the most revision since the book was first published, simply because today's technologies require more transparency between spouses than ever before. Harley's book was birthed out of a realization that the counseling practices of the 1970s were not saving marriages. As he began to find solutions that worked in his practice, he shared them with others, resulting in the book. This book, along with Gary Chapman's The Five show more Love Languages are both books that should be read by most couples early in their marriages. The two differ somewhat in approach, and couples can benefit from both. show less

This book is largely about preventing or recovering from an affair. Lest you say that this doesn't apply to "me", he points out that a person (even a person with solid religious belief, and firm moral conviction) may be tempted into an affair, seduced by a "relationship built upon fantasy, not reality." In addition, by meeting the needs of your spouse, and by having your needs met, you will transform your marriage into something wonderful. It is also well written. Now, on to the basics of the book:

"The Man's five most basic needs in marriage tend to be:
1. Sexual fulfillment
2. Recreational companionship
3. An attractive spouse
4. Domestic support
5. Admiration"
(Page 12)

He writes "tend to be" because this is what he typically finds. To show more determine your preferences and those of your spouse, there is a questionnaire at the back, and if that isn't enough, more are available at his web site.

"The woman's five most basic needs in marriage tend to be:
1. Affection
2. Conversation
3. Honesty and openness
4. Financial Support
5. Family commitment"
(Page 13)

"The first cause of conflict, failure to care and the second , failure to protect." ... This book addresses the failure to care - the failure to meet each other's most important emotional needs. ... failure to protect is the subject of a companion book I've written, Love Busters: Overcoming the Habits that Destroy Romantic Live. (Page 9-10)

Chapters
1. How Affair Proof is Your Marriage?
2. Why Your Love Bank Never Closes
3. The First Thing She Can't Do Without - Affection (1)
4. The First Thing He Can't Do Without - Sexual Fulfillment (1)
5. She Needs Him to Talk to Her - Conversation (2)
6. He Needs Her to Be His Playmate - Recreational Companionship (2)
7. She Need to Trust Him Totally - Honesty and Openness (3)
8. He Needs a Good-looking Wife - An Attractive Spouse (3)
9. She Needs Enough Money to Live Comfortably - Financial Support (4)
10. He Needs Peace and Quite - Domestic Support (4)
11. She Needs Him to Be a Good Father - Family Commitment (5)
12. He Needs Her to Be Proud of Him - Admiration (5)
13. How to Survive an Affair
14. From Incompatible to Irresistible
Appendix: Analysis of Emotional Needs
Questionnaires

His web site is a lot more than the typical advertisement. There is a lot of meat on this site.
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/index.html

This page describe the love bank concept.
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3200_love.html

Wow, no point in me trying to write much of a summary. Here it is:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3550_summary.html

Update - I briefly looked at the summary on marriagebuilders.
“ Basic Concept #8: The Policy of Radical Honesty”
The word Radical caught my attention as a red flag.
Honesty is good. Honesty is important. Radical Honesty can be hurtful because it leaves out compassion. Do not use “honesty” to hurt the other person. Yes, if you had an affair, your spouse needs to know. But going into gory details is likely to be the wrong approach. Therefore, I am changing this from 5* to 4*. (July 29, 2022)

The most meaningful concept to me from this book is:
“ Basic Concept #1: The Love Bank” show less

An apologia for chauvinism [really], in the end. 'nuf said?

If you're married to one, working for one, or want to marry, or work for one you may find this read to be helpful.

If you've had enough of that sh!t already, then this book will just p!ss you off.