Gender Queer: A Memoir

Cartoonist Maia Kobabe details eir life, with a special focus on eir long and twisted (and ongoing) journey through sexuality and gender.

This book is obviously an homage to Fun Home, and I am glad I read them close together (but not back-to-back). While Kobabe’s thoughts on gender and sexuality are more modern and complicated than Bechdel’s, there are no dark undertones of shame and suicide. The book is sweet and colorful and joyous. What little tension there is comes from Kobabe’s internal feelings that e can’t really find the words to describe eir gender, eir annoyance at people who make assumptions about em, and feeling self-conscious about asserting eir gender and pronouns. I really adored the neat, modern, infographic style show more of the art. E sometimes incorporates graphs, and is not shy about getting artistic with the lettering. There were many panels I could picture as posters on a dorm room wall. I appreciated that Kobabe admits it feels weird to write a memoir at such a young age, but it’s an important book and I can’t wait to read eir next memoir in the future. show less

Happy #pridemonth, y’all! I’m starting off my month long queer reading celebration with Maia Kobabe’s GENDER QUEER, from @onipress. In this intimate graphic memoir, Kobabe illustrates eir struggles, both personally and societally, with coming to terms with being both nonbinary and asexual. Kobabe is very frank in eir depiction of what ey went through during eir journey, and I greatly appreciated this frankness. As someone who struggles with their own gender identity, I found this book both enlightening and cathartic. It helps to know that I’m not alone in these struggles.

Unfortunately, GENDER QUEER has come under fire from multiple conservative fronts recently, with some government officials in Virginia going so far as to not show more only trying to ban it from schools and libraries, but to make it illegal for bookstores to sell the book, and to make it illegal for residents to even own the book. Why? Because this book speaks openly and beautifully about the possibility of being different from the “norm” and showing that the gender binary is an absurd notion. It’s frightening to me to see this level of hatred for those of us who are different, which makes it even more important for us to raise up books like this and pioneers like Maia Kobabe, so that our younger generations of queers know that they are not alone and that they have a place in this world.

Absolutely recommended.

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Fantastic illustrations, first off. Absolutely fantastic illustrations. A lot of the pages could be turned into individual prints due to their emotional impact and translation. Kobabe's handle on words, colors, lines, conveyance of facial expressions, and space shine in this work-- just heckin great.

I don't really have an opinion on what e wrote about emselves due to this being a memoir and this is Kobabe's truth. I will not take away from that with a 'well actually' when it comes to eir experience with eir sexuality and gender presentation. What I will say is that I saw a lot of myself in eir experience and I am grateful that it exists here for others to read and, hopefully, understand.

It's a 4 and not a 5 because there was an instance show more of quoting from an expert in the book and the fact that it is the only expert quoted in this memoir (as far as I remember I swear I did not see any other source quotes and if I'm wrong I'm wrong) makes me feel some kind of way.... however, that is the expert that Kobabe chose to quote from for eir memoir. I will not 'well actually' it, but I will state that I have discomfort with it and leave it there. show less

So apparently there's a deluxe edition of this book?! Gah! I would have loved to read that one!

I kind of low-key promised myself to focus on the shelves full of unread books in my apartment for a while, but then when Areg and I were checking out the (finally freaking open again!) closest branch of the Queens Library, this title jumped out at me in the LGBTQ+ section. Gender Queer is the most challenged book in the country, and that probably has a lot to do with the fact that this is a graphic novel. So I threw my informal little self-promise into the wind and grabbed another banned book!

Gender Queer is a memoir by Maia Kobabe, a graphic novelist and cartoonist who is nonbinary and asexual and who was assigned female at birth (AFAB). Eir show more pronouns are e/em/eir, and I'm probably going to have to proofread this review a few times before posting to try to use them correctly, but if anyone actually reads this review and spots an error, I'm happy to make corrections! (Later: the Wikipedia page for Spivak pronouns says that the similar set, "ey, em, and eir were formed by dropping the "th" from they, them, and their," which seems like a handy way to remember which to use in which case!)

Kobabe describes what it was like growing up AFAB, from eir earliest memory of gender (neighbors putting a dress on their younger brother and calling him a girl) to eir ongoing internal struggle to decide when to advocate for eir pronouns. E mentions several times eir initial resistance to writing autobiographical comics, but e has crafted a story so detailed and emotional and revealing that it felt even more intimate than an author talk. There's just something about seeing Kobabe drawing emself the way e actually sees emself, and how that self-image changes over time, that is...precious? gracious? humbling? It's something so incredibly personal that Kobabe has no obligation to reveal any of it, and e has gone beyond just opening it up--e's shared it with the world by publishing a book.

I think eir vast experience writing fiction (fanfiction, to be exact) is what allowed em to create a story that's not just linear and coherent but, well, relatable. I don't mean that I can relate to eir specific feelings of confusion about gender and sexuality, but eir use of metaphors and visual cues (e tends to have bare feet when e is being the most emotionally vulnerable) is a huge help. How many people haven't had deep, existential questions about themselves at one point or another, especially in their teens? Eir questions were just (well, "just" doesn't do it justice) way more foundational and fundamental than what the statistical majority will probably ever have to face.

I'm an extremely empathetic person. It's all well and good for me to try to do my research by reading articles about what it means to be nonbinary or transgender or--when I can find them, since it's so often just assumed to be universal--"norm"ally straight. But even autobiographical articles, no matter how heartfelt, are short and quickly over. As a full book, Gender Queer is so immersive and honest. It's just one person's story, of course, but there's nothing quite like emotional immersion in a topic to start turning intellectual understanding into empathy.

Now, a note about the book bans (but for more and better detail, check out the Slate article link below): Unlike All Boys Aren't Blue, the publisher has not categorized this book as young adult; the crossover came from winning a young adult award and, of course, connecting with young adults who identify with Kobabe's experiences. Parents pretending not to be bigoted probably officially object mostly to the nudity (though I wouldn't personally consider any of it pornographic, considering the contexts and lack of detail) and the frank discussions of masturbation and sex. To me, none of this seems like more than, say, a 16 year old should be exposed to. The Slate article writer's 14-year-old daughter read it, which doesn't alarm me (except for one thing--see the following paragraph). Frankly, Kobabe's depiction of clear and open communication with eir friends, family, and partners about eir feelings, comforts, and desires is something that I'd like to see more of in media for every audience!

That's not to say I was comfortable with everything. I found Kobabe's ordeals at the gynecologist extremely disturbing. If I'd read this book before my first gyno visit...hoo boy, I wouldn't have just been nervous, I'd have been freaking terrified! I've never meet someone who didn't hate their visits, but Kobabe's seemed (I hope) particularly bad. I wonder if e ever compared experiences with other people e knows, and I kind of wish that had been in the book. My fear is that people with vaginas might think Kobabe's experience is universal and avoid going to the gynecologist for health and cancer screenings. Our healthcare system doesn't even work for AFAB women and many people of color, and is even more ill equipped to work with people who don't fall into neat gender boxes. If society's most vulnerable members feel no choice but to give up on healthcare completely, that's likely to be a key ingredient in a recipe for epidemics that are more prevalent in minority communities, like STIs. Healthcare providers NEED to improve to stop alienating basically everyone who isn't a straight AMAB white man of medically ideal weight and proportions.

Now, I feel like I can't close this without a quick acknowledgement that I've been thinking about why I'm giving Gender Queer five stars when I only gave All Boys Aren't Blue three. Both Kobabe and Johnson have lived very different lives than I have (though I was surprised how much--nightmares, shopping agony, book and webcomic consumption--that Kobabe and I have in common). I think the difference is a combination of medium and storytelling. If a picture is worth a thousand words, and if you count each panel as a separate picture... I'm not even going to try to do that math. Though Kobabe's art is simple, e still manages to capture so much in an expression, a gesture, a color, layout, that cannot easily be conveyed in words, especially if you've never had an AFAB body. Johnson, as a well-known critic, is likely much more used to short-form, factual articles, something that I discuss in more detail in my review of All Boys Aren't Blue. The emotional connection and sense of personality and place that I missed in his memoir are present in abundance in Gender Queer.

This is a book that will make a lot of people deeply uncomfortable. But I've heard it said many times that the best art pushes us beyond our comfort zones. How can we even begin to understand others' stories if we won't even actively listen to and try to understand them? For that reason, I would argue that it is worth pushing past any of your discomfort to read Gender Queer. You will probably learn a lot, even if it's just a new way of thinking about an aspect of gender. So go. Read this book, especially if you're annoyed or flummoxed by the rapid changes in our understanding of gender. Read it--please!

Quote Roundup

Here are some interesting articles by and about Kobabe and eir book that answered a lot of the questions I had even after my usual two reads:

• Washington Post Op-Ed: Schools are banning my book. But queer kids need queer stories. (Text + comics panels)
  
  
• Slate: What to Do When Your Kid Is Reading a Book That Makes You Uncomfortable, interview with Kobabe by Dan Kois. Notable quote: "A book challenge is like a community attacking itself. The people who are hurt in a challenge are the marginalized readers in the community where the challenge takes place. That is readers who are younger, readers who do not have the financial means to buy books if they’re not available for free in the library. That is queer teens who might not feel comfortable bringing a book with such an obvious title into their home, if they have more conservative parents who would only feel safe reading the book secretly in the library without even checking it out. So yes, it upsets me because what I’m seeing is resources being taken away from queer marginalized youth, which does hurt. That does hurt me."
  
  
• How a Debut Graphic Memoir Became the Most Banned Book in the Country, by Alexandra Alter. Notable quote: "This spring, after a member of Moms For Liberty submitted a complaint about “Gender Queer” to the Wappingers Central School District in upstate New York, the book was removed from a high school library. It had never been checked out. A committee of teachers, parents and educators reviewed it, and determined that it was not inappropriate and should be returned. The superintendent, citing sexually explicit images, overruled the committee and brought the issue to the school board, which voted unanimously to uphold the ban."
  
  Book Quotes
  
  p. 22) Pre-puberty, Maia takes off eir shirt on a school trip. Though e looks just like the boys at that point, eir teacher makes em put eir shirt back on.
  I didn't feel that I had done anything wrong. It was everyone else being silly, NOT ME.
  Oh man, I relate to this so hard, though in an almost opposite way. In my case, I was so unfairly judgemental of everyone for "not controlling themselves" and their romantic feelings. I think back with such shame about some of the things I, mostly (thank god), thought. Gender was openly and liberally inflicted on Kobabe. I, mostly internally, applied my sexuality to others.
  
  p. 28) Kobabe couldn't read until age 11. Then, something magical happened:
  Harry Potter mania hit my class in 1999. My mom was reading the second book out loud to me & my sister one chapter a night. That was simply NOT FAST ENOUGH. One night I snuck the book & a flashlight into my bed. I vowed not to sleep until I figured out what happened next. By morning, something magical had happened. I had become A READER.
  Look, I'll have complicated feelings about Harry Potter for the rest of my life. But fervor for the books changed so many lives, created so many readers. Oh, and I had a similar experience with typing: it was only when I started writing my own story at age 13 that I really learned how to do it. The stories we love--told by others, told by ourselves--can be so beautifully powerful.
  
  p. 191) I think everyone's quoting this one:
  As I pondered a pronoun change, I began to think of gender less as a scale and more as a landscape. Some people are born in the mountains, while others are born by the sea. Some people are happy to live in the place they were born, while others must make a journey to reach the climate in which they can flourish and grow. Between the ocean and the mountains is a wild forest. This is where I want to make my home.
  As I mentioned, Kobabe's metaphors are a major strenth of eir narrative.
  
  p. 199-203) Kobabe excerpts from a book called Touching a Nerve: The Self as Brain, which (among other things) discusses the science and biology of why some people don't identify with the gonads they're born with. Fascinating and informative!
  
  p. 207) I found myself turning to metaphors of mild physical pain as I tried to articulate why I wanted new pronouns. ... Getting called "she" feels like discovering a rock stuck in my shoe. Or getting scratched by the tag at the back of my shirt.
  I love this metaphor. I'm not sure it quite matches my feelings when I encounter an inevitable--often unnecessary, almost always unrelateable--romance in what feels like every stinkin' story, because I have so much more freedom to express my annoyance to let off steam. But it's a super helpful starting place for what it might feel like to be misgendered.

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Maia Kobabe explains eir process of coming to terms with gender and eir own gender identity as non-binary and asexual.

This is honestly fantastic. It describes the author's journey from being assigned female at birth and having crushes on both boys and girls, to learning terms like bi and trans, and working through eir gender identity and finding pronouns that made sense. It's also about the awkwardness and challenges surrounding coming out as non-binary to various people (family, friends, strangers) and correcting misgendering. There are frank, matter-of-fact discussions of masturbation, OBGYN appointments, and sexual encounters but nothing overly graphic. I could see this having a lot of crossover appeal with high schoolers and young show more adults dealing with all sorts of identity questions. show less

I bought this book for my teenager, as it was at the top of all the banned book lists, which seemed like a good indicator that it would be worth reading. Then, as people continued to talk about it, I decided I had better borrow it from him.

I loved this book immediately. The illustration style is straightforward, inviting, warm, humane. The story is an unfolding of learning and discovery of gender that organically underlines how fluid it all is -- how the markers of gender are so heavily dependent on a particular time, place, social class, society. Maia's journey in slowly finding and drilling down on those things that feel authentic, comfortable, and frankly discussing the tradeoffs of conforming to one expectation or another.

One show more doesn't have to be questioning one's gender to find this book a revelation (though how helpful this book could be if you were!) The whole vibe of this is liberatory -- reminding us we can all be brave enough to pursue the becoming of who we truly are. In particular there were two scenes that felt like fireworks going off in my brain. First, the "controversial" blowjob scene -- which I honestly wish I could put in the hands of every teenager in their country. While conservatives wring their hands over the "obscenity," I was blown away by the honest depiction of someone trying something sexual with a partner that they thought they would be into, realizing they were NOT, communicating that, and their partner respecting that and moving on. I am comparing this to my own sex ed class, where we were shown a chart of a boy's arousal during sexual activity, and a line that depicted his "point of no return," where, it was heavily implied, it would be too late for us girls to say no.

I still get furious thinking about it. Obviously.

The other moment was unexpected. Maia meets up with Jana Bee, who introduces em to the concept of nonbinary identity and neopronouns. But something about Jaina's presentation -- hair, clothes, and especially that SWEATER made my heart fill with glitter. I am now on a quest for a real-world sweater that fills my heart with as much joy.

Listen. This book is incredible. And incredibly important. It needs to be on the shelves, available to kids who don't even know yet that they need it. show less

I had heard about this book from several places, and heard only good things. (Except for the many book bans, which are a backhanded recommendation in themselves.) I kept meaning to read it, and intending to read it, but never actually reading it. Finally, this year, I checked to see if my library had it available. An ebook copy of the updated deluxe edition was ready to be checked out immediately, and so I checked it out and read the whole thing in one sitting.

I shouldn't have waited so long.

This is a really powerful book, and touches on many parts of Maia's school years, since that's where a lot of eir growth came in terms of sexuality and gender identity. Some of it was very different from my own youth—I've never questioned being show more born a girl, for example—but there were other parts that did resonate with me. I think that anyone who has ever questioned any part of their gender or sexuality will find something that they've felt among these pages, even if it's only a panel or two. Even those readers who are 100% cis-het will find answers here about how it feels to not be completely certain of one's sexuality.

This deluxe edition of the book has a foreword by ND Stevenson (whose Nimona I absolutely adored) in which he says that this book is one he would have greatly benefited from when he was young and questioning. I greatly hope that—book bans notwithstanding—this book gets into the hands of every young (or not-so-young) person who needs to read it. I hope that everyone who needs to feel less alone on their journey to become their true self can find this book and read its message. show less