Dan Kindlon

“What do boys need that they’re not getting?” In a compelling success, Dan Kindlon and Michael Thompson effectively tackle the toughest issues facing adolescent boys today: identity, self-expression, and “emotional intelligence.” In their book, the two psychologists candidly discuss the ways in which society has systematically suppressed the emotional needs of boys and compressed masculinity into stereotypical ideals, impossible for any boy to meet. By using specific case studies show more from their combined 35 years experience in the field of child psychology, the authors succeed in describing the emotional pitfalls of boyhood from birth through the college years. Their refreshingly frank analysis of adolescent boys is key in understanding the emotional as well as the educational needs of this important group. In openly discussing issues, such as depression, suicide, substance abuse, and sexuality, Kindlon and Thompson reveal many boys’ underlying yearning to be accepted by their parents and peers, while struggling to maintain an emotionally engaged persona in an emotionally barren masculine world. Although a bit generalizing in its analysis of father/son relationships and sparse in its coverage of homosexuality, the book offers valuable insight into the world of boys and guides their loved ones to understand the reasoning behind some of their perplexing behaviors. As relevant for educators as it is for parents, Raising Cain is essential reading for anyone who cares about the emotional and educational successes of adolescent boys. show less

This book was referenced by one of the other books I read recently, “Manning Up,” and it certainly reads well as a companion to that newer work. Published in 2006, this book’s research was done in part to refute some of the earlier literature about young women — works like “Reviving Ophelia” and “Queen Bees and Wannabes” which suggested that girls were emotionally vulnerable, felt threatened or intimidated by boys, and struggled with self-image and body issues throughout show more adolescence. Kindlon argues that these images of young women are outdated and passe, that today’s young women are assertive, bold, and go-getters. He looks at the role of parents in the development of their daughters’ ideas of gender roles, examines the academic and school environments for young women, and the impact that these alpha girls are having on the role of young men.

Kindlon’s primary research was conducted through interviews with 113 girls, as well as a questionnaire administered to over nine hundred adolescent boys and girls throughout North America, an admittedly small survey sample, and one which was skewed towards private schools and affluent, white communities. Kindlon also cautions that his arguments apply primarily to western, first-world societies. However, he does provide counterarguments in the form of interviews with other professionals and researchers, as well as acknowledging that much progress still needs to be made for girls who have less opportunities and resources available to them from birth. Still, Kindlon’s enthusiasm for the new Alpha Girl seems to toss boys to the side, as he closes one chapter, “Perhaps the coming generations of feminized men may be happier than men of the past… men will be able to drop some of the burden of maleness and become more loving. The alphas will provide — fishing for termites, bring home the bacon — while men will have more of a chance to indulge themselves in sublimely pointless play” (176) — as if women want to hear more excuses for immature behavior from men! show less

Raising Cain is one of a number of books that address the challenges of raising boys, but it stands out among them by eschewing both the glib Gender War rhetoric and the underlying political or theological agendas that often characterize other books on this topic. Instead, it is both deeply insightful and full of compassion for the emotional lives of boys and men. Rather than offering a point-by-point program, the authors focus on various goals for raising boys, and make some suggestions on show more how we can accomplish them. It devotes an entire chapter to the relationship between fathers and sons, and a recurrent theme of the book is finding ways to effectively close the emotional distance between ourselves and our sons.

This book addresses issues for boys of all ages, and also discusses difficult topics such as depression, drug use and violence among boys. Finally, all fathers were sons at one time, and Raising Cain is a book that can help us better understand not only our sons but ourselves as well. Review by Book Dads show less

The second half of this book had some good ideas to direct your parenting style in a direction that will lead to children to be more attentive to the needs of the world around them. But if you turned to this book looking for a how-to on avoiding the pitfalls of the spoiled child, you will find surprisingly few pages devoted to this.

For some people, I'm sure this is not a good thing. From the start, most of the book seems to be about the sociological proof that many children are spoiled. This show more felt to me like proving spending pages of scientific data, surveys, and anecdotal proof (through interviews) that winter in Chicago can be cold. Kindlon is thorough in his proof, but the results are hardly surprising.

I liked the suggestion of remembering the best points of our own parents' parenting and then using those ideas as a model for one's own parenting. And while the second part of the book, which focuses on the specific problems of spoiled kids (and their parents), uses the metaphor of the "seven deadly sins," the gimmick feels strained at times.

I'm coming off sounding pretty negative here, but there was a lot of good in this book. I would say that it's a must-read for parents who think putting a television in their children's bedrooms is a good idea. But if you were already aware of the dangers of such behavior, you may find little in this book that is eye-opening. show less