Rachel Simmons

My 10-year-old daughter and I were in the library a few weeks ago picking up some holds for her when she saw this and asked to borrow it. Normally, adult non-fiction is not her thing, but she's had bullying problems at school these last two years, and I thought I would let her try it.

She finished it in 24 hours and loved it. "It makes me feel less alone," she said. "I'm not the only one going through this."

So, of course, I had to read it too.

And I ended up crying on the GO train going into show more Toronto (on a car full of Carabana revellers, no less). It's absolutely harrowing, for either those of us who remember this from our own girlhoods, or those of us watching it in the girlhoods of our daughters. Or, if you're like me, both. My god, girls can be vicious to each other. And the fact that they're being vicious to each other in this way because of the cultural expectations of Good Girls does not make it hurt any less.

Simmons does a good job of discussing all the ways and means of girl bullying and aggression, how it works and why it works the way it does. She has minimal advice for parents on how to deal with it, although the advice she does have is probably as complete as you can get; the fact is, there is not much parents can do from home about things that go on at school, and the most important thing is for the school and the kids' teachers to get it and act.

If you've ever dealt with a situation like this, you know that usually doesn't happen, even though this book came out over a decade ago and there's been tons of discussion on this issue ever since.

I feel at least better equipped to understand not only what she's experiencing, but also how best to listen and react to what she tells me so that she knows I understand and support her. I'd recommend it to other parents for that, if nothing else. show less

Excellent Central Message

There is a strong central message in Rachel Simmons' "Enough as She Is:" unreasonable expectations are unfairly placed on young women. This message is repeated throughout the book through case studies and interviews that Simmons conducted.

Although young men and young women from all backgrounds suffer emotionally from unreasonable expectations, Simmons focuses on girls. Unfortunately, the focus is on girls who are already "high achievers," most bound for or already in show more colleges around the northeastern United States. Astoundingly, out of the 90-some young women interviewed, only three are African-American and none of the interviewees appear to be "underachieving" or non-college bound.

According to the brief biography given in the book, Simmons herself works exclusively with elite, private schools in the northeast, including Smith College and a school next to Central Park in Manhattan. Surely these environments are where Simmons draws her interviewees from.

Thus, the book's central message hits the target dead center when it comes to suburban girls who want to go to college, but it offers no advice for caregivers who work with other types of girls. I would love to see Simmons branch out to work with and advise more than just a small portion of the population.

Simmons' treatment of the "college application industrial complex" is wonderful. She has the expertise to define and then call out what she sees as an erosive force for young people that does little for their well-being.

Simmons is a strong writer with a clear message. I wish she included a larger population in that message. show less

If you were Queen Bee on the playground, head cheerleader with all the right friends or simply the most popular girl in your class, this book is for you. If girls on power trips manipulated you through fear - or isolated you because you would not be manipulated - this book is for you. If your girlhood memories are tainted by secretly (or openly) abusive female "friends," this book is for you. If you're a parent raising a daughter, this book is for you.

Although I did not experience the depth show more of pain described by some in Rachel Simmon's book, old hurts resurfaced, including those that affect my friendships with women even today. And, I am grateful for the opportunity to take a hard look at them. The author goes beyond "girls can be mean" to give us language that describes bullying, girl-style. By helping us define what it is, she also empowers us to address these alternative aggressions and effect change among schools, parents and our own, often vulnerable children. show less

The newly revised and updated edition of Odd Girl Out is a must have for every person who is parenting or educating a girl.

This was the first book I grabbed once my fall classes were over. Why? I think it's because I have a daughter. She's eight and in the 3rd grade and we've already had two incidents involving bullying. The first was in preschool and the second was last year. Both incidents were handled by teachers are administrators in a manner that Simmons suggests in Chapter 12: the road show more ahead for teachers and administrators. That chapter gives some wonderful suggestions on how to set up a school or even a classroom to be as bully-proof as possible. Obviously no place can be bully-proof, but one thing that Simmons points out is that one way to address bullying is to have a transparent and predictable system of consequences. If a student knows that Sally and Maria are the teacher's favorite and nothing they do gets them in real trouble, that student feels disempowered to act and report bullying she may be experiencing or witnessing. Having a consistent system of consequences also sends a clear message to students who bully that it will not be tolerated.

Simmons doesn't advocate for a zero-tolerance policy that gets 7-year-olds expelled, rather a zero-tolerance policy that is just that, zero-tolerance for bullying a classmate.

Three themes really struck me as key things to remember from this book.

One is that schools have relied on girls to maintain a certain peace for years.

And second is that this peace that we see in girls is really silence. Society teaches girls to silence their feelings in order to "be good."

Bullying is not just how girls are. Not if we decide that it ends today. HERE. NOW. When we teach our girls to get over it, that "that's how life is, wait until your boss is a bully," we are teaching our girls to ignore that voice in their head and heart that says, "This is wrong. Walk away."

The last theme is one that a friend and I were discussing a few weeks ago. Why are women afraid to promote themselves? I know that I can look back at my childhood and know that being "all that" was frowned upon. Pride in one's work could only be taken so far. Simmons really digs into how promoting oneself breaks one of the cardinal rules of being a girl -- fit in. You can't fit in if you let people know how awesome you are.

Simmons updated her book to include a great chapter on cyberbullying. If you don't have time to read the whole book, skip right to chapter four: bff 2.0: cyberbullying and cyberdrama and chapter nine: parents speak. But you really should read the whole thing.

Warning women reading this will experience flashbacks to high school. Men who read this may have a lot of WTF moments

Read the full review at my blog, Viva la Feminista. show less