Nicole Chung

A touching memoir by a Korean woman who was given up for adoption in the US by her family. Nicole was born prematurely to parents whose marriage was in distress and decided they could not handle the financial strain of a premmie. Her white adoptive parents raised her lovingly in a small Oregon town, but never addressed her cultural needs, her isolation and the racist and cruel treatment she received, especially at school. No mentor, no counselor stepped forward to help and her parents were show more completely oblivious, possibly because Nicole was afraid of hurting them and perhaps could not even identify the source of her unhappiness. After she married and became pregnant, Nicole became aware of her options as an adoptee and took steps to reach out to her sister Cindy, who had been told that Nicole had died at birth. Their relationship, and Nicole's discovery of her birth mother's treatment of Cindy, is revelatory and beautifully told by an author whom the reader would enjoy hearing from again and again, to follow the family's path to healing and love.

Quote: "Was it something we did, as babies, as little children? Something we lacked that made us easier, possible, to part with? I've never met an adoptee who has blamed their birth parents for their decision - we're more likely to turn inward, looking for fault." show less

*Free e-book ARC received from the publisher through Edelweiss Plus - thank you!*

Nicole Chung was more than ready to leave her small town in Oregon behind when she went to college, and she did just that: moving across the country, going to school, meeting her husband, and leaving her adoptive parents behind.

The first memoir, All You Can Ever Know, focuses on Nicole's experience growing up a Korean American daughter of a white family that never brought up race and her journey to reconnect show more with her birth family. This one shifts to her her loving relationships with those very parents, and the grief she went through as they decline and she can't be the daughter she wants to be for them. Her reflections on that experience are raw and self-aware, heartbreaking to read whether or not you've had a similar grieving experience or not. show less

Nicole grew up knowing she was adopted, but it wasn't until she was an adult and pregnant for her own child that she decided to search for her birth family. This memoir recounts her wrestling with being a Korean American in an all-white family and town, knowing she was loved but also discovering that her adoption story wasn't as simple as it seemed.

Adoption is complicated. I've known adoptees who were, similarly to Nicole, told as young children that their birth parents couldn't keep them show more but loved them enough to give them a better life. I thought of them often while I read Nicole's story, though none of them had the added challenge of a transracial adoption. She deals with all sorts of complications, thinking through exactly why she decided to contact her birth family, and what relationships arose as a result (and didn't). Interspersed in her memories are chapters about her sister, Cindy, and her experiences growing up in the family that had chosen to give Nicole up for adoption. Well-told, thought-provoking personal journey, and I'll look forward to discussing it with my book club. show less

Korean-American Nicole Chung was adopted as a baby into a white family in southern Oregon. She knew from an early age she was adopted, but had very little information about her birth family, and though she largely accepted her parents' narrative that she was meant to be in their family, she was often alone - ostracized and bullied by white classmates in school. Once in college, however, she was surrounded by Asian classmates as well as white ones, and her Asian-ness no longer made her stand show more out; however, she didn't feel authentically Asian, as she lacked a connection to the Korean culture and language.

Married and pregnant with her first child, she requested nonidentifying information about her birth family, and eventually made contact with her birth parents (who had separated) and with a sister and half-sister. Throughout the process, she was able to rethink the standard adoption narrative she'd been given, and begin to think of adoption not as good or bad, but as realistic vs. oversimplified.

Beautifully paced and written, this story is at once common and unique, and can function as a "mirror" for adoptees (especially transracial adoptees) and their families as well as a window for others. Thoughtful, careful, true. Excellent.

Quotes

Family lore given to us as children has such hold over us, such staying power. It can form the bedrock of another kind of faith, one to rival any religion, informing our beliefs about ourselves, and our families, and our place in the world. (4-5)

All parents have ways of saying things about their children as if they are indisputable facts, even when the children don't believe them to be true at all. (7)

Childhood was perhaps something to be endured - but in adulthood, you got to choose your own setting, make your own story. (41)

Long after the papers are signed and the original familial bonds are severed, adoption has a way of isolating the adoptee. (63)

As I looked at [my newborn daughter], I knew the person I had been was gone, unmade in an instant by this tiny girl. The rebuilding, I was certain, would take a lifetime. (138)

There are many different kinds of luck; many different ways to be blessed or cursed. (153)

Every time I [act as my white family's de facto Asian ambassador], I am breaching the sacred pact of our family, our once-shared belief that my race is irrelevant in the presence of their love. (208)

Reunion has done more that restore relationships that had once been beyond my ability to fully imagine; it has enabled a shift in existing ones. (212) show less