Melissa Febos

Girlhood describes, with razor sharp accuracy, how it feels to inhabit a woman’s body, and how women must wield and protect this/their body in a culture dominated and driven by the patriarchy. This book is powerful, profound, incisive, raw, relevant and deeply resonant. Melissa Febos is my new favorite writer.

“All my violences might be seen this way: a descent, a rise, a sowing. If we sow them, every sacrifice becomes a harvest.”

“The body, it turns out, is an abacus that never show more forgets, even when our memories do.”

“Patriarchy colonizes our brains like a virus. Like a virus, patriarchy harms the systems that infects and relies on replication to survive. It flourishes in those who are not aware of its presence, and sometimes even in those actively working to expose it.” show less

Following a bad breakup at the age of 32, the author realized that she had been involved in some form of romantic relationship since the age of 15. This, combined with multiple additional issues caused her to recognize that “a feeling of pressure had accumulated for years and accelerated in the previous six months … until the discomfort of staying the same grows greater than my discomfort of changing” – old patterns, old habits that no longer served her well, but led her to question show more whether her pursuit of love was indeed a form of addiction. An academic, sober since the age of 23, she undertook the ultimate experiment which would become this book. “A good detox is the only way to really know if you’re addicted”, thus began her initial commitment to 90 days of abstinence. She describes her experiences through the filters of ancient mystical women, early feminists, therapy, and the 12-step process. The author’s style is captivating, almost poetic, with a tinge of professorial cadence throughout. At times Part I felt like teasing apart gluten-rich cooked spaghetti and I was not surprised when she questioned whether she might have some form of attention deficit. She brings increased clarity in Parts II and III, where she really begins to take personal responsibility for her past actions. Her examination of historical mentors is both experiential and well documented in her attached Notes and Works Cited and Consulted at the end of the narrative. Febos bares her soul to all who read her memoir – there is no sugar coating, and the echos of this memoir will remain with me for a long, long time. show less

I received an advance copy from NetGalley in exchange for my honest review.

This book is a series of personal essays about the author's relationship to her body, and her body's relationship to the world around her. I am probably not putting that right, but it was the most pithy way I could think to say it. I had to regroup after I started reading, because I was expecting something lighter. The essays are academically rigorous and often relate to the literature and philosophy of feminism, show more which I know way too little about. But the experience of being an American girl and then an American woman, of rejecting one's own body even though it's wrong and self-defeating, of suppressing one's own feelings and needs to prevent embarrassing a man with rejection, of feeling afraid of sexual assault... all of that is in this book, and in me too. It took me to some dark places, but the writing is beautiful, and I am better for having read it. There are some gorgeous illustrations on the chapter title pages, too. I am going to seek out more work by the author. show less

A candid, precise memoir of personal growth. The author's honesty about her own self-deception and her (sometimes pitiable) clients is both excruciating and lyrical to read. Melissa (known as 'Mistress Justine' to the submissives she 'sessions' with), expends an enormous amount of mental effort trying to maintain an attitude of specialness--she's a dominatrix, thus better than a common prostitute; she's intelligent and able to hold down a job and meet her family obligations, thus she cannot show more be a common junky; she's fiercely independent, thus cannot secretly need everyone around her to become absorbed with her and enamored of her. One by one these deceptions fall away as she sobers up and contemplates leaving sex work. The detailed world of 'dungeons' and mistresses is absorbing, and the writing is gorgeous. show less