Tedd Tripp

In Shepherding a Child's Heart, counselor Tedd Tripp clearly and biblically outlines the goals and methods of one of the most challenging roles I'll ever fill: that of a Christian parent. Oh my, what a book. I think I'll be rereading it for the rest of my life.

David Powlison writes in the introduction, "Most books on parenting give you advice either on how to shape and constrain your children's behavior or on how to make then feel good about themselves... [this] book teaches you what your show more goals as a parent should be, and how to pursue those ends practically. It teaches you how to engage children about what really matters, how to address your child's heart by your words and actions" (xv). That pretty much sums it up. My husband and I don't want to just control our children by clever behavioral manipulation (how will they act when they are out from under our authority?). Nor do we want to puff our children up about how great they are (really, self-esteem, high or low, is just another term for sinful pride because it is so self centered). So how are we to parent instead?

It's all about the heart. Our starting place has to be our children's need for a Savior. We need to shepherd them to see their own depravity (yes, original sin), their inability to reform themselves, and their only hope — Jesus Christ. We need to show them that they are beings under authority (God's, and by His delegation for a time, ours as parents). We need to teach them how to think biblically and apply God's Word to the everyday situations of life (bullies, family life, difficult teachers, work ethic, giving, everything). It is a monumental task, so much more than changing diapers and taking them to baseball practice and making sure they get good grades. Our goal as Christian parents is no less than to evangelize and nurture our children to know God.

I really liked how Tripp talks about the goals of parenting and takes the time to examine common goals we have that fall short of the real goal. Even seemingly good goals can fall short (like the trap of trying to get your children saved — sounds good, but it really just boils down to manipulation and placing the child in situations where a "crisis moment" of decision is pushed upon them). My husband listens to a pastor in Arizona, Tom Schrader, who bottom-lines the real goal like this: to make our children independent of us and dependent on God. That's it. I think Schrader and Tripp are on the same page here. Interwoven into all our instruction should be the gospel, which promises not just forgiveness of sin but also the power for internal transformation.

Communication is key. Proverbs is a wonderful Scriptural example of a father exhorting, instructing, and even pleading with his son. It was very helpful how Tripp approaches the problem of helping your children understand their own hearts. Asking "why" questions rarely works; children do not usually possess the self awareness and perception to diagnose their own problem. It is better to ask open-ended questions ("what did you want when you hit your sister? how did you feel when such-and-such happened? what did we talk about last week when this happened?"). The goal is to lead the child to understand the selfish impulses that are ruling his heart when he sins, and to call him to obedience both to the parent and to God.

Yes, this book promotes the use of the rod. Spanking is not a popular method of discipline in our secular culture, but it is absolutely essential to faithful Christian parenting. I appreciated how Tripp talks a lot about how and how not to spank — never in anger, and always in the context of rich communication, before, during, and after the punishment. No, this isn't a legalistic list of prescriptions for physical discipline (use an implement or your hand? spank pants on or off? how many spanks for what level of wrongdoing?). All those things fall within our Christian liberty; Scripture does not proscribe a specific method. What it does teach is that parents who love their children discipline them according to God's direction in His Word.

I loved the examples of good and bad parenting that Tripp scatters throughout, like the relative who was upset that a father and son emerged from a spanking holding hands and on the best of terms. The relative thought the spanking was ineffective because the child wasn't angry and estranged from the father. She really missed the point; physical discipline is not about revenge, but reconciliation and restoration. When the child transgresses a parental directive, he/she is stepping outside the "circle of blessing" that God promises to those who are obedient (of any age, not just children). Spanking the child helps him/her see the seriousness of the sin and, when couched in godly instruction, helps to restore that child back into the blessing of obedience. The child we lay across our knee to spank must be picked up and held close the very next minute. We discipline our children with the rod precisely because we love them (Proverbs 19:18). This is pretty radical stuff from the world's perspective, but it should be second nature to those seeking to parent according to God's will as revealed in the Bible.

Oh, there is so much else I could say. As I sit here in bed, laptop balanced precariously against the firm beach ball that is my belly, with hard little legs and arms that occasionally protrude to contort its smooth roundness, I think of how much love and joy and sadness our son represents to me. How much time and investment and cost and reward. I think of all the things I'm so sure of, and all the things I am planning to figure out when the time comes. I think of what he'll be like and what struggles he will face, and how I already feel so insufficient to shepherd this little boy when he and I have the same sin problem. God's Word would be enough in all this, but I am thankful that Scripture itself testifies to the importance of the Bible being taught and explained and made practical by faithful teachers and preachers like Tedd Tripp. I'm so thankful my husband and I have been exposed to this rich distillation of Scriptural principles — and for grace as we seek to put them into practice. show less

I'm not sure how to rate this book. Parts of his parenting philosophy I readily accepted, parts I liked, and parts I completely disagreed with. The book is a parenting guide on discipline, but the author is determined to ground all of his ideas in a Biblical perspective. I am fully in accord with that decision. It was his interpretation of the Bible passages he used that I often did not accept.

The overall premise is that parents are assigned by God to shepherd their children in a life of show more faith. We have authority because God has granted us that position as His agents for leading our children to him. I found that to be a new perspective on my parenting, and it resonated as truth with me. Furthermore, if our long term goal is seeing our children enter into a saved relationship with Jesus, then we need to be concerned with not just their external behaviors, but with the state of their heart that prompts those behaviors. That is the real goal of discipline. Again, I was in accord with these ideas. In order to reach a child's heart, Tripp writes that discipline should be balanced by two approaches, communication and the rod of correction.

He spends a fair amount of time on the communication component. In his experience, if a parent does not build a relationship with a child that is build on mutual trust and open dialogue, than any disciplinary action will be ineffective in the long run. Next, the author addresses using the rod, which in his belief is spanking, plain and simple. He explains that he knows spanking is in disgrace in our current culture, and that he may garner a lot of criticism for his advocacy of spanking, but he holds his ground. I admire him for adhering to his principles.

My admiration does not lead me to agree with him, though. He is so strongly aligned with the idea that a parent must spank his child because he believes that that is the only interpretation of "the rod" in the Bible, and he wishes to follow God's will. I think it's great that he stands fast to his desire to always be obedient to God; that said, why does the rod have to equate to spanking? I'm pretty sure that in the times of the Old Testament, discipline was carried out differently than it is in our current time and culture. Spanking back then is not spanking as it is now. Also, I read another Christian author who pointed out that the rod referred to most likely references a shepherd's rod, and those rods were not generally used to beat the animals, but to guide sheep and pull them out of trouble. I am big advocate of the love and logic approach to parenting, which consists of allowing your children to have (reasonable) choices and live with the consequences of those choices. I also think that time outs, used appropriately, are good for more serious infractions. I do think spanking is a necessary tool, but I reserve it for very major offences, like harming another person (and I have never used it on my daughters yet).

The author frowns on these tactics. He claims that giving a child simple choices leads them to independence and open rebellion from the parent. He does say that negotiation should be available, but only after the child is already doing what the parent says. He believes that a parent's authority should never be questioned, and when it is, a spanking is necessary to restore order. I just can not accept that as necessary or Biblical. Where in the Bible does God punish his children for questioning Him? Disobedience, yes, but questioning, no. He allows for a dialogue to occur before obedience happens. Also, when the author moves to the final two chapters of the book, which are about applying his principles to the teenage years, he almost switches to a love and logic approach. Since you can't spank teenagers, you just have to rely on the communication component (a big factor in love and logic as well) and the foundation of discipline already established. In that phase, he does accept that the teenagers need to make choices on their own and face consequences. This seemed a contradiction, to me, of a lot of his earlier arguments. I see that he believes if you start with the communication and rod combination, then by the time they are teenagers they will have the values ingrained in themselves. But why not just start with the choices and consequences instead, with everything simplified appropriately for the age level? I still feel that love and logic, with a Biblical foundation, is the better approach.

Before any one can sling questions of abuse around, I must say, the method he outlines for using spanking is very controlled, compassionate, and sane. He clearly identifies abuses of the spanking system and warns against them. He directs parents never to spank out of anger. If spanking is to be done, it should be done the way he proposes. I have personal issues against spanking, I admit, that make me very biased against it, and even I thought that the way he used spanking was the best way to do it.

Basically, I liked his principles, his adherence to the Bible, but didn't always agree with his interpretations. I fully believe communication and the rod should be used in conjunction, but don't see spanking as the sole explanation of the rod. I agree with some of his philosophical ideas about parenting, but not his practical applications. I don't think his parenting style is a bad one, but it is not the one for me. show less

Based on the varying levels of stars given to this book I can see that it's a controversial book which is never going to be for a populist market. I for one thought the premise was brilliant, and the emphasis on dealing with issues of the heart were truly biblical. I particularly liked the way Tripp pointed out that good behaviour without a changed heart was simply hypocrisy and examined the different approaches to discipline by exploring their purpose. I also appreciated the way that he show more dealt with the changing approach to parenting as your children get older. show less

Really good. Recommended by Sarina Collins. A little nuanced disagreement w chapter on authority and an abrupt intro. Otherwise, encouraging, full of Scripture and an invitation to put Christ first and teach Christ first as a parent. Convicting without making you feel beat up or not good enough.