Lou Priolo

Angry kids. Angry parents. This combination is universal in every family on the planet. I cannot imagine any home full of sinners that does not experience sinful anger and the resulting damage that it causes. Since my home is no different (full of sinners, of whom I am foremost), I was motivated to pick up Lou Priolo's oft-recommended book on the topic, The Heart of Anger: Practical Help for the Prevention and Cure of Anger in Children. To be perfectly honest, I read this more for my own show more anger than that of my children at this stage of life.

So it wasn't a surprise that there were several eye-opening moments for me as I read, conviction in areas I wasn't even aware I was sinning. Things like "consider the degree to which you are self-disciplined; it is only to that degree that you can expect to succeed in disciplining your child to correct his anger problem" (60). Sin is all interrelated, isn't it? You can't talk about anger in isolation from all the idols and wrong thinking that accompany it.

Priolo talks about the child-centered home. I've heard of this before; basically it points out the idolatry and danger of orienting your life around your child's wants and needs. "A child-centered home," Priolo writes, "is one in which the child believes and is allowed to behave as though the entire household, parents, siblings, and even pets exist for one purpose—to please him" (24). The child becomes the arbiter of and final consideration in every decision—instead of God. The parents have effectively replaced God with a very unsatisfactory substitute in their child.

The biblical model is, of course, the God-centered home where the parents and children fulfill their proper roles in the family as God designed. In the God-centered home, the one-flesh, permanent marital relationship is the most important dynamic and children "are welcomed into the family, but not as part of the decision-making unit" (26). They are taught from an early age that life in the family (and by extension, in the rest of the world) is not about them and they are not entitled to have every desire and wish fulfilled.

The interesting thing about the child-centered home is that it does not produce happy children. The opposite is actually true: children in child-centered homes are often angry and emotionally unstable. This isn't a surprise if you think about it: a child-centered home subverts God's design for the authority of parents and the submission of children, and so naturally it will not be healthy or happy for anyone, parent or child. A child-centered home teaches the child entitlement, a surefire path to misery and immaturity. Reading the traits and habits of such households was a helpful check for our own home.

Another helpful insight is the Gumnazo Principle. Basically it means "training" and states that not only must children be told what they are doing wrong, but we must train them how to do it right instead. Children will not automatically know what the right action would have been when we reprove them for a wrong action. Parents must do replays, instructing the child in the right behavior when they sin and then having them practice it till they get it. This is a huge investment of time and energy (especially with a three-year-old!). But it's an essential part of biblical child-rearing and one that we are committed to using. I've been saying this a lot: "Okay honey, let's try that again the right way." As my son grows older, I am hopeful that, when asked, he will be able to work out the right responses himself and practice them in place of the sin he just committed.

Priolo also talks about the difference between "I'm sorry" and "please forgive me"—they're not synonymous. "Saying 'I'm sorry' doesn't accomplish the biblical goal of putting past offenses aside. Nor does it lay the foundation to reestablish a broken trust as effectively as does asking forgiveness" (71).

Then there are the journals... the Anger Journal, Heart Journal, Conflict Journal, and Manipulation Worksheet. These are simple diagnostic worksheets of no more than four questions each that seek to break down the incident and help the person formulate a Christlike response for the next time. I have not filled one out yet. I plan to, but I'm a little apprehensive about the time these exercises are going to take. But I want to grow, so I need to make them a priority.

Like other biblical counseling resources I've read, every now and then the use of Scripture is a stretch. In one place Priolo says, "I have found that most angry individuals readily acknowledge their anger problem. According to Proverbs 14:10, 'the heart knows its own bitterness'." The point of that verse (I think) is the ultimate unknowableness of another person's heart, both their sorrows and joys, not a person's own self-awareness of personal sin (actually, we are many times blind to and unaware of our own sin). So I don't know if its use of "bitterness" can be conflated with anger, as Priolo does. There are other small instances like this, no major misinterpretations but just... stretches. Sometimes these authors just try too hard to have a chapter and verse for everything.

Overall, I found The Heart of Anger a helpful resource for Christian parents trying to manage not just their children's anger, but their own. I'll confess that was my primary incentive in reading this book; parenting has got to be the most infuriating activity ever invented. But there's too much at stake to just settle for my sinful default. I know I will be revisiting this book! show less

Carl Chambers review on Churchman:

All us husbands know (or should know!) that we can be better husbands, so the idea of reading over 300 pages on that subject might induce the most horrible guilt trip (if it hits close to home) or prove to be a waste of time (if it is too full of bland or impossible instructions).

This book does neither. Yes, it gets under the skin and does not pull its punches. But it is so full of biblical wisdom and grace that it becomes addictive to read. It is full of show more helpful observations and questions and gives the framework as well as encouragement for building on the marriage any husband has. It is like having a trained biblical counsellor at your side, walking with you on the way to improving your marriage. It does what it says on the cover and is well worth the read for any married man. I dare say, it is well worth the read for any married woman, perhaps principally to fuel her prayers. This is a very easy book to read, but will leave only the most hard-hearted husband unmoved.

It is also brilliant for its clarity and practical use. I know I have been frequently guilty of this, but I had never heard the phrase “man fog” before. That’s where a husband drifts into inattentiveness and thereby stops loving his wife as Christ loved the church. Priolo also highlights the danger of interrupting your wife when she is speaking, something I wrote down as “man fog horn.”

Every page is centred on biblical truth, rooted in the gracious gospel of Christ, with the call to love him in all that this means. He is graciously uncompromising. Every chapter has a list of helpful questions at the end to work through, as the reader seeks to apply what is being taught. They are real and practical and the kind of questions you want to embrace not run from. At the end there are several appendices (ten in all!) covering particular aspects of marriage in a specific way. These range from “How can I be saved?”, through “Common ways in which husbands sin against their wives,” to “Hints, suggestions and attitude helpers about sex.” Yes, it covers it all. Those “Common Ways” come to six pages of questions to ask yourself and your wife. Which husband could read the list and remain unmoved? Yet the book is so full of grace and so focused on Christ that it empowers rather than disables the convicted reader.

There is one tiniest little blip on what I might call the “heresy meter” when Priolo describes three Christian husbands as being close to God in different ways. He is making the point that your heart attitude towards God is what matters, but what he suggests seems to deny imputed righteousness and union with Christ. The other 316 pages are so full of godly wisdom and instruction that I genuinely believe this is a book for every husband.

At one stage, Priolo refers to Revelation 2 and the command not to forsake your first love. He applies this to a human marriage and leads us to compare our marriages now with the best moments of courtship. In another man’s hands, it might lead to despair and guilt, but the whole thrust of this book is to lead us back to love for Christ, and if married, the love for the wife he has given us. show less

Summary: A practical guidebook to the biblical prerequisites and principles of resolving conflicts between Christians both in home and church contexts.

It might be said that wherever two or more are gathered there is conflict. It is part of the human condition and just because one is a follower of Christ does not mean you can escape conflict. We can try to avoid it, or we can do it very badly. Lou Priolo argues there is a better way and that is to do it biblically, which offers the potential show more of making peace with each other and going deeper in shared community together.

Priolo begins by outlining four biblical prerequisites to conflict resolution: humility, gentleness, patience, and forbearance. He devotes a chapter to each, surveying the scriptures that speak of these qualities. Priolo argues that these chapters are actually the most important of the book. The last, loving forbearance, is especially important where sin is not at the root of the conflict. People may just be different from each other and sometimes learning to bear with and even begin to delight in those differences can circumvent many conflicts.

At the same time, that is not always possible, so how does one, embracing the four prerequisites, resolve conflict? The next ten chapters get very practical with the "how" of conflict resolution. He begins by distinguishing three kinds of conflict: those over differentness, those over sinfulness, and those over righteousness (where we disagree about what is right). He explores how love communicates, how we respond to reproof, the heart motives behind conflict, ways we respond unbiblically to conflict, good questions we can ask to resolve conflict, how far to go in a conflict, and the importance of doing all we can insofar as it depends on us to resolve conflict.

In addition to the prerequisites, this book assumes three things about the reader. One is that you are really serious about resolving conflict, serious enough to taking a hard look at your own contribution to a conflict, to face the ways you have sinned against another, and to be willing to take personal steps to change. Second is that you really want your life to be shaped in detail by the teaching of scripture regarding conflict, as well as in other matters. Every chapter includes detailed biblical material and Priolo wants to call things, particularly our sins, according to what scripture says. Finally, this books assumes you are willing to do some hard work, first in self reflection through checklists and journalling exercises, and then in conversation with another.

For those with familiarity with various forms of Christian counselling, Priolo is a disciple of Jay Adams. The book reflects a rigorous Reformed perspective including frequent quotes of one of the best of the Reformers, Richard Baxter, and in marriage relationships assumes a complementarian perspective, though not aggressively advancing this. One need not share these perspectives to benefit from the counsel and exercises Priolo provides. His discussion of the prerequisites for resolving conflict and the exercises that prompt self-reflection would seem helpful regardless one's theological persuasion.

The style is highly readable and one gets a clear sense of the author's voice. It may not be the reader's and the author encourages people to put things in their own words, not just mimic his. All told, this is a useful resource for conflicts in homes, and in the church.

_____________________________________

Disclosure of Material Connection: I received this book free from the publisher. I was not required to write a positive review. The opinions I have expressed are my own. show less

While the content was definitely good, I had a few difficulties in reading this title. First it feels like the author believes that anger is the principle sin, and the most if not all others derive from it. Second, the title was very strong on the diagnostic but nowhere near as strong on the remedy. Third the author (possibly intentionally) does little to inspire hope and has structured the book in such a way that the scope of th eproblem is made to feel more overwhelming than anything show more (reading scripture leaves me feeling much more refreshed and encouraged). Admittedly the book was written to parents in regards to their children, while I am attempting to apply it to myself (as an adult).

I will ponder what I have read, and then return and re-read the book now that I am exposed to its content. show less