Tova Mirvis

Tova Mirvis bares her soul in "A Book of Separation," in which she recalls her Modern Orthodox upbringing in Memphis; her sixteen-year marriage to Aaron, with whom she had three children; and her decision at the age of forty to leave not only her husband, but also traditional Judaism. Tova, (a name that in Hebrew means "good"), is a novelist who married too young and too hastily, before she and Aaron really knew who they were and what they wanted. Although they stayed together for a long show more time and were grateful to have two beautiful sons and a daughter, Aaron and Tova gradually drifted apart and began quarreling. Tova had hinted now and then that she was no longer comfortable with the rituals that defined their existence, but Aaron was still shocked when she asked for a divorce.

Mirvis's writing is exceptional. She creates poetic images and vivid metaphors, and in heartfelt passages, shares her feelings of pain, guilt, and loss. The author does not single out religion as the sole source of her discontent. In fact, she acknowledges that Orthodox Judaism is, for many individuals (including Tova's Chasidic brother), a beautiful and fulfilling way of life that helps bring harmony, peace, and joy to its adherents. Nor does she blame her husband for her woes. Instead, after much soul-searching, she realized that her insular community was slowly suffocating her. She was no longer content to go through the motions of pretending to be happy.

"The Book of Separation" is a poignant and, in many ways, sad description of the dissolution of a long marriage, made all the more difficult because three children were involved. Tova and Aaron consulted lawyers and therapists before splitting up their property, settling on a joint custody agreement, and making the transition from a couple to single parents. This memoir is a rich tapestry that flashes back to Tova's childhood, education, early years with Aaron, and her excitement and pleasure at becoming a mother and a novelist. Finally, she finds the courage to express her misgivings to her husband, parents, and friends. Eventually, she forges a new path, and takes her first tentative steps into uncharted territory. show less

I'm fascinated by the sub-genre of the leaving and shunning of Orthodox Jews from their cocoon. Tova Mirvis grew up as Modern Orthodox, which is slightly more liberal (though, of course, not liberal at all) than the alternatives. She has doubts from her youth, but in order to suppress them, she does what's common: runs full speed ahead into the maelstrom - in this case, marriage and children.

The divorce is horribly painful, but Tova and her ex-husband are able to maintain joint custody, show more which is not a frequent outcome. She's also blessed by the rabbinical court that grants the divorce - which I found to be surprisingly significant and moving.

The memoir details her life and divorce journey and the impact on her family. Two remarkable scenes feature the author and her friend performing their own mikvah (ritual cleansing bath) in Crystal Lake, Newton, MA (it's usually done in a sanctuary presided over by a trained matron), and her son's first taste of non-kosher food.

Tova is a fine writer, and the book is a energizing mix of facts and feels.

Quotes: "Each rule was a load-bearing wall in the overarching structure."

"All I needed to do was to press the edges of my old self against this new image so that we formed a single figure."

"I wasn't here in college to discover who I wanted to be but to remain who I already was."

"Any sin, I knew, wasn't mine alone - now that we were married, we represented each other. If I didn't cover my hair, Aaron was less religious just by being married to me." show less

We Would Never is less suspense thriller and more exploration of how good people (at least in their own minds) break bad. We start with Hailey, a part-time writer and mother who is on the run. In the court of public opinion, she has already been convicted of murdering her soon-to-be-ex-husband, based on a viral video of her police interview. Then the plot goes back several months to Hailey's visit with her loving family in West Palm Beach soon after Jonah informed her he wanted a divorce. show more Hailey's parents and two older brothers are loving and supportive. Well, one brother is estranged from the mother, who is having a hard time finding meaning in her life now that her kids are all in their 30s. But those are just small niggles. These nice people would never be involved in a murder.

Although the family's religion doesn't play a large role in the plot, this feels like a very Jewish book to me, with a lot of questions raised about justice, culpability, and accountability, but few answers provided. The relationships among the family members feature complex dynamics and unhealthy personalities that belie the constantly repeated refrain that everyone is Perfectly Happy. The characters are well-developed enough that you can understand their motivations, if not their actions. The emphasis is definitely on the intra- and interpersonal, so if you're looking for adrenaline-fueled action and multiple twists, read the latest [a:Freida McFadden|7244758|Freida McFadden|https://images.gr-assets.com/authors/1701487498p2/7244758.jpg] instead. show less

Mirvis describes 2 separations in her life: divorcing her husband, Aaron, and disconnecting from most, not all, of her modern orthodox beliefs and practices. A double whammy!! She had married young, as most orthodox do, despite arguing with Aaron while dating, and personal doubts rationalizing that she didn't want to end up alone!

Her family is concerned and saddened but supportive. The Jewish community sadly is judgmental and disapproving especially against Mirvis' writings. The message is show more don't think like an independent adult; just concern yourself with what your neighbors and fellow congregants will think of you! Tova feels grateful that some of her friends and neighbors remain friendly, others simply civil.

Tova accepts that everything she is doing is an arduous process. She finds ways to strengthen herself, i.e. getting over her fear of driving on highways, and discovering the best of Boston, and to calm herself by finding progressive congregations and hiking nature trails.

She recognizes that the cost of being unhappy, living a lie was too high, and decides to speak up, and take action.

She listens supportively to individual orthodox women who seek her out to reveal their thoughts and the pain they experience, and ask her if that is what she felt.

A good read because Mirvis is honest, brave and scared, sad and determined; and an excellent writer. show less