Joanna Faber

Our eldest son (two years and eleven months old as of the time I am writing this, some months before it will be posted) has been having some issues with causing physical harm-- biting other kids at daycare, along with kicking and scratching and sometimes throwing. He also does it to us, and to his little brother. I picked this book up from the library because it seems to be well regarded and I think broadly fits with our parenting philosophy.

It's a well written book. There's a general show more overview of their approach in the first part, which alternates their principles with examples of them in action from either the authors' own experience or from parents in workshops they ran. The book is engagingly written and never dry. The second part then focuses on specific areas, so you can just read the ones that are relevant to your own experience.

The general principle of the book is that you work with kids by acknowledging their feelings. So if your kid is angry that they can't have a cookie, don't minimize that or try to explain why they can't, just agree with them. "Ugh, that's so frustrating!" You also express your feelings strongly, but in ways that are directed at the deed, not the doer: "I don't like to see little kids getting pushed!" not "Don't push your brother!" They also have this idea of problem solving, where you work with the kid to figure out a solution at a point where they are calm, so you can head off the behavior in the future.

Like all advice books, the proof is in the pudding. Does following the advice accomplish what it is supposed to? I am writing this about a month in, and my answer thus far is "I am not sure." Acknowledging feelings on its own doesn't seem to work much on Son One. I'll say, "You're feeling very frustrated right now!" and he'll reply, "Don't say that!" Part of this might be on me: I don't think I am good at matching emotion with my voice, and my voice often carries a "but" in its tone even if I don't say one aloud. So I am working on it. One way they suggest of acknowledging is giving the child what they want in fantasy. I don't think Son One quite gets this yet, so when we go, "What if you got to eat all the cookies?" he thinks it is going to happen! But one tool they suggest for fantasy is drawing, and this has been effective: you draw cookies on a piece of paper with him, and that often defuses things.

They are anti-time-out. I am not sure their alternatives are working on him... but it didn't seem to me that time-outs were working either, so I guess we are no worse off.

One thing that feels like a contradiction to me is that they talk about 1) acknowledging feelings, and 2) being consistent with that by expressing your own desires in terms of feelings. So if you say, "I get angry when I see little kids get hurt," your kid knows what that means because of how you've talked to them about them being angry. The problem I see here is that your kid never gets what they want when they are angry... but ideally you the parent do. Why should their frustrations go unfulfilled but not yours?

Some of it is tricky to put into practice, and will take time. Eliminating "you" from your vocabulary is quite hard, especially in the heat of the moment. My inclination is to say, "You don't sit on the cat!" not "I don't like to see cats get sit on!" So the jury is still out on the effectiveness of this book. Part of it will depend on me and my wife (can we actually do what is suggests consistently), and part of it will depend on the kid (will he actually respond to it). Right now he is out of daycare for the summer, but I really hope we aren't dealing with biting in the fall when he goes back. show less

There's some famous veterinary advice about how to treat cats. DON'T FIGHT A CAT. USE YOUR BRAIN. USE DRUGS. It's also decent parenting advice.

The basic premise of How to Talk so Little Kids Will Listen is that your urge to discipline and punish, to control you little chaos monkey, may make you feel like you have a handle on things in that moment, but it won't solve your parenting challenge. Instead, you set up an escalating series of boundary testing challenges, and a little kid has more show more energy and creativity than you do.

Instead, the axiom of this book is that kids won't act right if they don't feel right, and the first step is to label and validate the bad feelings, because kids lack the skills to do so themselves. And while you can't USE DRUGS, you can use verbal judo technique such as fantasy, offering a choice between options which are fine to you, and pointing to external controls like lists and timers to neutralize hard choices like having to get dressed and go to school.

It's all very touchy-feely, and my own kid is too young for me to give first-hand approval and that last star. But I can say, having witnessed the exact opposite of this book's recommendations first hand, it's not like this can be worse. show less

The advice here is the same as in the other How to Talk books, but people like examples and this is full of them! I'd been having conflicts with my otherwise cooperative 7yo trying to get out of the door on time in the mornings. I felt like I was trying everything and nothing was working, so I went back to Faber & King. And then I asked myself:

Was I acknowledging my kid's feelings?
Was I including my kid in problem-solving?
Was I offering my kid choices?
Was I taking action without insult? show more

I was acknowledging feelings, but in a judgmental way ("You want to stay in bed. Great! So do I! Cool! Cool cool cool.").

I was trying to problem-solve in the heat of the moment instead of at a calmer time.

I was offering choices that were really more like threats ("Do you want to get dressed or do you want to make me late for work?").

I was taking action by treating my 2nd grader like a baby and doing things for her instead of letting her do them herself because she was doing everything so slow. (And, yes, there were mild insults involved like "Wow, are you part sloth?")

In the end, problem-solving with my daughter when we were both feeling happy and relaxed has made a big difference. She is practicing tying her shoes so she can do it faster. We are waking up a little earlier. I am working on being less sarcastic in the morning no matter how grumpy I feel. We are not morning people, so we need to try extra hard to make mornings pleasant for us both.

Thanks, Joanna Faber and Julie King! Shout out to the OGs Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish, too. show less

I have a four year old, who was three when I read this book, and man, was it necessary. They tell you about the “terrible twos”, but then they keep the biggest secret — THREE IS EVEN WORSE. Three year olds are tiny little terrorists, and I needed all the help I could get to negotiate my way through that year.

How to Talk so Little Kids Will Listen gives you lots of simple techniques for communicating with your little kid, whether you’re trying to get them to do something, get them not show more to do something, or just get along. It is full of real world examples that the authors have culled from the classes they’ve done throughout the years, which I found really helpful. It turns out, your kid probably isn’t unique — there are plenty of others out there doing the same things they are doing. One thing I especially liked is that they summarize each chapter into bullet points at the end. Something you could easily print out and tape to your fridge for reference.

So if you too are living with a tiny terrorist, give this book a shot! All you parents out there are doing a good job.

Also, age four is SO MUCH BETTER. show less