Laura Markham

Great book however as much as it's helped me, these sorts of books always produce an anxiety that I'm just not doing enough, doing it right, and am going to fuck up my daughter.
Lots of great tips in there on how to de-escalate problems.

Sibling rivalry is universal. Children want the time and attention of their parents; for siblings this is an even more limited resource. Add to this that all close relationships experience some conflict and that children are still developing self regulation skills and it is no wonder siblings have conflict. However, using the techniques of peaceful parenting, parents can help children manage the inevitable conflict so that over time they become better at self-regulation and conflict show more resolution.

The three keys of peaceful parenting are:
- Regulate our own emotions
- Stay connected with our child, even when we're setting limits or the child is upset.
- Coach instead of controlling, by fostering emotional intelligence, guiding with empathic limits instead of punishment, and supporting mastery.

The first part of the book covers peaceful parenting, a set of techniques that Markham developed previously in Peaceful Parents, Happy Kids. I haven't read this. It sounds fairly similar in approach to Dan Siegel's No Drama Discipline although with a less strong foundation in psychology. In general, I prefer Siegel's books. The extension of those ideas to siblings still makes this book worth reading. And if you prefer your parenting books to the point rather than filled with theoretical background, you may prefer this book and its predecessor.

The key observation is that being a more self regulated parent helps improve relationships with children and models positive behavior to those children. Parents should think of themselves as coaches helping children learn how to handle challenging emotions and conflicts. Instead of focusing on punishment (which does not teach self-regulation or problem solving), parents should set effective limits. These limits are set with empathy for the child's wants and needs and are, critically, are enforced consistently with action.

Chapter 4 contains the problem solving technique applied through the rest of the book. The heart of the process is: state the problem, encourage the children to come up with possible solutions, and encourage them to agree on one of the solutions. There are more details, especially depending on the ages and the particular conflict. Still, this is the core to remember.

My main criticism of this book is that the chapter 6 onward, the book felt like an application of the core techniques developed in the first five chapters to various situations. Examples like this are extremely valuable. They are also hard to write in a way that isn't repetitive. Overall, I would recommend reading the first five chapters, chapter 8, and the other chapters as the topics become relevant in your family. show less

This is a fine look at mindful parenting (both in terms of your own responses to stress and your kidlet's responses), emotional intelligence and how to step away from yelling and using punishment as a discipline tool. While it's a nice overview for parents who are looking to expand their toolkit, there was nothing much new here, if you've read Daniel Goleman and Alfie Kohn et al.

Cliff notes: don't be a jerk to your kids. Even though we think we know, the author does a nice job of being condescending and instead giving supportive ideas.