Harriet Lerner
Author of The Dance of Anger: A Woman's Guide to Changing the Patterns of Intimate Relationships
About the Author
Well-known psychotherapist Dr. Harriet Learner has helped millions of women with relationship problems. Women around the world have benefited from Lerner's guidance in the bestselling series Dance of Anger, Dance of Intimacy, Dance of Deception. In her monthly column, Good Advice, which appears in show more New Woman magazine, the author gives practical answers to the big and little questions of life. In Life Preservers: Staying Afloat in Love and Life (1996) the reader who has read too many self-help books and is still not perfect is given a clear plan of action to cut through confusion. Other titles by Lerner include Women in Therapy: Devaluation, Anger, Aggression, Depression, Self-Sacrifice, Mothering, Mother Blaming, Self Betrayal, Sex-Role Stereotypes, Dependency, Work and Success, Inhibitions, and The Mother Dance: How Children Change Your Life. The author has also written a children's book, What's So Terrible About Swallowing an Appleseed , that examines the sister relationship and honesty. In addition, Lerner has created a series of self-help audio cassettes. Harriet Goldhor Lerner, Ph.D is a clinical psychologist and psychotherapist at the Menninger Clinic in Topeka, Kans. and frequent workshop leader, lecturer, and consultant. She is married and the mother of two sons. (Bowker Author Biography) show less
Image credit: bfisummit.com
Series
Works by Harriet Lerner
The Dance of Anger: A Woman's Guide to Changing the Patterns of Intimate Relationships (1985) 2,147 copies, 21 reviews
The Dance of Intimacy: A Woman's Guide to Courageous Acts of Change in Key Relationships (1989) 947 copies, 9 reviews
The Dance of Connection: How to Talk to Someone When You're Mad, Hurt, Scared, Frustrated, Insulted, Betrayed, or Desperate (2001) 510 copies, 3 reviews
The Dance of Deception: A Guide to Authenticity and Truth-Telling in Women's Relationships (1993) 354 copies, 2 reviews
The Dance of Fear: Rising Above Anxiety, Fear, and Shame to Be Your Best and Bravest Self (2005) 226 copies, 1 review
Fear and Other Uninvited Guests: Tackling the Anxiety, Fear, and Shame That Keep Us from Optimal Living and Loving (2004) 124 copies, 1 review
Beziehungsregeln: Die ultimativen Tipps für alle, die Partnerschaftskrisen satt haben (2012) 6 copies
Det handler om løgn og fortielse : varer ærlighet lengst eller hjelper det med en "hvit løgn"? (1994) 1 copy
Nära relationer : hur man talar med andra när man är arg, sårad, rädd, besviken, kränkt, bedragen eller förtvivlad (2004) 1 copy
Versuch's mal mit Entschuldigung: Wie Versöhnung kleine und große Herzschmerzen heilt (German Edition) (2017) 1 copy
La mujer y la intimidad 1 copy
Sorry, not sorry 1 copy
Associated Works
Tagged
Common Knowledge
- Legal name
- Lerner, Harriet Goldhor
- Birthdate
- 1944-11-30
- Gender
- female
- Education
- University of Wisconsin
Teachers College, Columbia University (MA ∙ Educational psychology)
City University of New York (PhD ∙ clinical psychology ) - Occupations
- Clinical psychologist
Staff psychologist, Menninger Clinic
Faculty, Supervisor, Karl Menninger School of Psychiatry
children's book author - Awards and honors
- Kansas Distinguished Award for Literature (1998)
- Relationships
- Lerner, Ben (son)
Goldhor, Susan (sister, co-author) - Short biography
- Harriet Lerner was born in Brooklyn, New York. She is a clinical psychologist best known for her contributions to family and feminist theory and therapy,and for her many bestselling psychology books written for a general audience. From 1972 to 2001, she was a staff psychologist at the Menninger Clinic in Topeka, Kansas, and a faculty member and supervisor at the Karl Menninger School of Psychiatry. During this time she published extensively on the psychology of women and family relationships, revising traditional psychoanalytic concepts to reflect feminist and family systems perspectives. Women in Therapy is a compilation of her professional publications related to the psychology of women. Her 1985 book The Dance of Anger has been translated into more than 35 foreign languages and was re-issued in a revised edition in 2005. In addition, she has written a children’s book with her sister, Susan Goldhor, Franny B. Kranny, There’s a Bird in Your Hair! (2001).
- Nationality
- USA
- Birthplace
- Brooklyn, New York, USA
- Places of residence
- Madison, Wisconsin, USA
Delhi, India
San Francisco, California, USA
Topeka, Kansas, USA
Lawrence, Kansas, USA - Map Location
- USA
Members
Reviews
The Dance of Connection: How to Talk to Someone When You're Mad, Hurt, Scared, Frustrated, Insulted, Betrayed, or Desperate by Harriet Lerner
Raise your hand if you grew up experiencing intensity, triangles, over- (or under) functioning, distancing, and cut offs in your family of origin. Right, me too.
Thankfully, Harriet Lerner knows a lot about these very human patterns AND compassionately defines each as she explains how to find the way forward when we are stuck or sucked into them.
I copied many passages into my journal to return to later. I now have the vocabulary and example scripts I didn't know existed before. With more and show more more self-awareness and the words Lerner suggests I feel more able begin broaching difficult terrain.
"The challenge of conversation is not just in being our self but in choosing our self, since what we call the self is constantly reinvented through interactions with others. The self is always under construction. ... Our conversations invent us. Through our speech and our silence, we become smaller or larger selves. Through our speech and our silence, we diminish or enhance the other person, and we narrow or expand the possibilities between us. How we use our voice determines the quality of our relationships, who we are in the world, and what the world can be and might become." (239) show less
Thankfully, Harriet Lerner knows a lot about these very human patterns AND compassionately defines each as she explains how to find the way forward when we are stuck or sucked into them.
I copied many passages into my journal to return to later. I now have the vocabulary and example scripts I didn't know existed before. With more and show more more self-awareness and the words Lerner suggests I feel more able begin broaching difficult terrain.
"The challenge of conversation is not just in being our self but in choosing our self, since what we call the self is constantly reinvented through interactions with others. The self is always under construction. ... Our conversations invent us. Through our speech and our silence, we become smaller or larger selves. Through our speech and our silence, we diminish or enhance the other person, and we narrow or expand the possibilities between us. How we use our voice determines the quality of our relationships, who we are in the world, and what the world can be and might become." (239) show less
The Dance of Deception: A Guide to Authenticity and Truth-Telling in Women's Relationships – Navigating Lies, Affairs, and Silence for Real Intimacy by Harriet Lerner
you know the feeling when in the middle of a good reading session you have to keep the book down for a bit because you need a moment to fully chew what you just read. to let the words wander through the walls of your head and you wish they would seep in and make small dents in places. you want to remember the sound of these words echoing through your mind the first time you read them.
there were a lot of such words here. words that sometimes put me into action and sometimes stopped me from show more acting.
i apologised to someone for being too honest with them at the wrong time, for not taking into account how they would feel, for being selfish to just want to get the truth off my chest.
and i stopped myself from shaving to go to the beach. you know why this one is important. show less
there were a lot of such words here. words that sometimes put me into action and sometimes stopped me from show more acting.
i apologised to someone for being too honest with them at the wrong time, for not taking into account how they would feel, for being selfish to just want to get the truth off my chest.
and i stopped myself from shaving to go to the beach. you know why this one is important. show less
The Dance of Anger: A Woman's Guide to Changing the Patterns of Intimate Relationships by Harriet Lerner
A gem of a read especially for any woman who has ever been told, "You shouldn't feel that way!"
"Anger is a signal, and one worth listening to. Our anger may be a message that we are being hurt, that our rights are being violated, that our needs or wants are not being adequately met, or simply that something is not right. Our anger may tell us that we are not addressing an important emotional issue in our lives, or that too much of our self -- our beliefs, values, desires, or ambitions -- is show more being compromised in a relationship. Our anger may be a signal that we are doing more and giving more than we can comfortably do or give. Or our anger may warn us that others are doing too much for us, at the expense of our own competence and growth."
"The taboos against our feeling and expressing anger are so powerful that even knowing when we are angry is not a simple matter. When a woman shows her anger, she is likely to be dismissed as irrational or worse."
"Anger is inevitable when our lives consist of giving in and going along; when we assume responsibility for other people’s feelings and reactions; when we relinquish our primary responsibility to proceed with our own growth and ensure the quality of our own lives; when we behave as if having a relationship is more important than having a self."
"Anger is a tool for change when it challenges us to become more of an expert on the self and less of an expert on others."
"We are responsible for our own behavior. But we are not responsible for other people’s reactions; nor are they responsible for ours. Women often learn to reverse this order of things: We put our energy into taking responsibility for other people’s feelings, thoughts, and behavior and hand over to others responsibility for our own."
Lerner addresses the longstanding social constraints that inhibit women from understanding anger and using it as a positive tool to improve their most important relationships. Engaging writing and timeless wisdom. I only wish I'd read it when it first came out nearly 30 years ago. show less
"Anger is a signal, and one worth listening to. Our anger may be a message that we are being hurt, that our rights are being violated, that our needs or wants are not being adequately met, or simply that something is not right. Our anger may tell us that we are not addressing an important emotional issue in our lives, or that too much of our self -- our beliefs, values, desires, or ambitions -- is show more being compromised in a relationship. Our anger may be a signal that we are doing more and giving more than we can comfortably do or give. Or our anger may warn us that others are doing too much for us, at the expense of our own competence and growth."
"The taboos against our feeling and expressing anger are so powerful that even knowing when we are angry is not a simple matter. When a woman shows her anger, she is likely to be dismissed as irrational or worse."
"Anger is inevitable when our lives consist of giving in and going along; when we assume responsibility for other people’s feelings and reactions; when we relinquish our primary responsibility to proceed with our own growth and ensure the quality of our own lives; when we behave as if having a relationship is more important than having a self."
"Anger is a tool for change when it challenges us to become more of an expert on the self and less of an expert on others."
"We are responsible for our own behavior. But we are not responsible for other people’s reactions; nor are they responsible for ours. Women often learn to reverse this order of things: We put our energy into taking responsibility for other people’s feelings, thoughts, and behavior and hand over to others responsibility for our own."
Lerner addresses the longstanding social constraints that inhibit women from understanding anger and using it as a positive tool to improve their most important relationships. Engaging writing and timeless wisdom. I only wish I'd read it when it first came out nearly 30 years ago. show less
The Dance of Anger: A Woman's Guide to Changing the Patterns of Intimate Relationships by Harriet Lerner
I feel like this is a necessary book for anyone socialized as a womxn to have on their shelf to reference often. It was satisfying, for me, to recognize a lot of the same coping skills I learned in my own work with a counselor over the years. That being said, we fall into the same patterns over time and need a refresher - that's why I think even someone who has managed their anger well or is just coming to realize that their anger is causing them problems now - should have this book in their show more collection at all times. show less
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Statistics
- Works
- 43
- Also by
- 1
- Members
- 5,401
- Popularity
- #4,618
- Rating
- 3.8
- Reviews
- 74
- ISBNs
- 205
- Languages
- 14
- Favorited
- 5
