Jared Yates Sexton

So-called ‘toxic masculinity’ has been under fire from many side these past few years. Jared Yates Sexton, a political writer and professor of creative writing, brings here his voice to the debate, in this book which intertwines autobiography and the recent history of the USA. His angle will be controversial, as it all starts with the 2016 presidential campaign which saw the rise of Donald Trump:

‘After sneaking into his rallies, speaking with his supporters, and examining that mess show more from every conceivable angle, what I eventually found, at the dark heart of it all, was white men.’

Now, that might sound caricatural! I am sure many men embodying ‘toxic’ masculinity must have voted for Clinton as well, the way Trump’s fanbase was wide enough to also embrace BAME and even a considerable number of women. There is no denying, though, that there was something frankly disturbing about Trump himself (a petulant and arrogant narcissist, whose abusive attitude could only be matched by his aggressive performances) and, above all, a part of his movement:

‘In the comfort of the crowd they used disgusting language and trafficked in casual racism, virulent misogyny, and undisguised homophobia. At times, they seemed spurred on by each other, as if in competition to see who could step further over the line of common decency.’

That might sound harsh too, but, if I am not American and so never spoke to any of his voters in person, I have to say that the toxic behaviour referred to above remains also my personal experience of them on online forums and social medias -a crass behaviour echoing from the ‘grabbing women by their pussies’ comment to the vile attacks on Mexicans, African-American and Muslims, and from the attempt to ban trans from the army to all sorts of verbal abuse and twisted tweeted insults, more in line with a looney living in a basement than POTUS. The question is, how come such thinking and behaviours came to gather momentum and ultimately conquer the White House?

Trying to answer that, the author delves here into the mindset of these ‘white men’ ‘spurred on by each other’, something he is particularly apt to do since such people are what he calls ‘his’ people, he who confessed having grown-up in a dirt-poor factory family in rural Indiana. The positive thing about this book, then, is that he doesn’t judge. It’s not about mocking the uneducated blue collar driving a pick-up truck, flying a Confederate flag, and those hobbies includes stuff perceived as, for whatever reason, ‘manly’, such as shooting guns in the countryside while ranting about ‘the New World Order’ and against the ‘pussification of America’. It’s about trying to understand one aspect of the MAGA movement, something he witnessed taking hold of his own family, neighbourhood and community.

At this point you might ask: what does all that have to do with toxic masculinity?!

Well, it might sound caricatural (a risk to run when, like the author does here, your use your own biography to try and explain a social phenomenon...) yet it has a powerful relevance. Those of us indeed, and especially men, who are sick and tired of the behaviours associated with ‘traditional’ masculinity, behaviours which are nothing but poisonous when taken to their extreme (strength associated with violence only, toughness with complete lack of empathy, ambition and drive with selfish control, and the misogyny! and the homophobia!) would have seen Trump for who he truly was behind the mask: thinking of himself as ‘manly’ for all its boastful and aggressive performance, but being, in fact, nothing but a toxic jerk, as pathetic as a schoolyard bully given too much levy. Sadly, though, many didn’t see him as such. Why?

Trump’s fanbase was wide, and he surely gathered support for a multitude of reasons (the questionable legacy of Obama and the prospect of Hilary taking over, to start with…). As I have already stated, reducing his voters to mere angry white men drunk on toxic masculinity (as the author seems to do, based, again, on his personal experience with such voters) is therefore very simplistic at best. It doesn’t mean, though, that angry white men didn’t rallied around Trump precisely because they saw in him a platform to their silenced voice. This is exactly why this book is so relevant, as a tool to try and explain American populism even among men who would have nothing to do with the Far-Right otherwise. What does that mean?

Well, when your idea of what makes a man is to provide for your family, then what of your self-worth when you’re unemployed or having jobs those wages barely get you by? When your idea of what makes a man is a rough hardworking dude proud of performing manual labour, then what about your self-worth when the manufacturing sector has been completely ruined to be replaced by the financial and service sectors, completely leaving you by the wayside? When your idea of being a man is to be the head of a family and the one in charge in every setting, then what about your self-worth in a society which prides itself in gender equality, and where feminism has conquered the patriarchy? When your idea of what makes a man is to abide to traditional roles within traditional and homogenous communities, then what about your self-worth and place within an ever-changing society where identity politics has completely hijacked the narratives, in a country left at the whim of an economy turned global? It's not about judging. It's about acknowledging that these people felt disempowered, and, yes, as ridiculous as it may sound, 'emasculated'.

Had it been just that, ‘The Man They Wanted Me To Be’ would have been good enough. What makes it compelling, though, is that Jared Yates Sexton, by intertwining his biography and the story of his family within the recent US history shows that such ideal of manhood never was something to aspire to in the first place. In other words, what makes it interesting is that he debunks the past ideal of manhood that the partisans of ‘traditional masculinity’ still clings to.

It was indeed, and continue to be, destroying men themselves (as he shows when retelling the life and death of his father). It was and continue to be destroying families and women as collateral damages (as he shows when retelling the life of his mother, who endured domestic abuse at the hands of different partners). And, even the Great Generation, that many men still look up to, wasn’t that great after all, they whose traumatic experience and impacts on them all as individuals have been mythologised to the point of revisionism (as he shows when retelling the life of his grandfather, a WWII veteran and hero).

Here’s an interesting read, then. As the biography of a man, it will echo with the experience of many men who had to abide to the ‘be a man’ credo, yet are now sick and tired of how narrow, destructive, and frankly ridiculous such exhortation is (and I strongly encourage women to read it too, because they too are guilty of feeding such toxic masculinity even when calling themselves ‘feminist’ -accountability goes both ways). As a political discourse, it will help to partly shed a light in explaining the Trump phenomenon, and why a whole part of a certain demographic (southern, white, rural working class) came to rally around him, even for stupid reasons. As a reflection on masculinity, it also shows how outdated view of manhood can have damaging consequences for society as a whole, especially when hijacked for political gains. It’s a nice take, even if very personal. show less

American Macho is toxic

The Man They Wanted Me To Be is a cathartic look at Jared’s Sexton’s life to date (He’s 38). It is a stinging condemnation of working-class white males and their attitudes. They control, berate and beat their wives and children, hate anything that doesn’t smack of white male supremacy, and are self-contained frustration bombs, ready to explode at any time.

Sexton was a chubby, asthmatic and emotional child, which infuriated a series of men – his father and show more several stepfathers. He was given the ultimate crushing insult: he was “no better than a girl.” His mother bounced from one abusive relationship to another, totally unable to hook up with a reasonable man. Sexton grew up into a poor, alcoholic, frustrated and self-loathing beast of a teen and young adult. In this, he simply followed his role models.

Sexton’s thesis is that the working-class white American male is in an impossible situation. Carrying the burden of being superior, the sole breadwinner and the hardest worker, he can show no emotion or even understanding of anyone else. He is there to be served. He has no time, patience or tolerance for variance in his vision of the perfect society. That society, the American Dream, does not exist for him, making it difficult for him to rationalize his life. Every nibble at his dreamworld – blacks getting educations, women getting equal pay, children going to university, immigrants taking the worst jobs available – all make him dig in and fight. He is open and welcoming to conspiracy theories backing his views of the world. And inevitably, he has come to see Donald Trump as his savior. Sexton says “America is a bastion of patriarchal pitfalls, and consistently reinforces toxic concepts.”

This is called performative masculinity, and in a patriarchal society, these males must be “on” at all times. To miss that goal is to show weakness. It totally prevents any kind of intimacy, with men or even their own wives. In Sexton’s eastern Indiana in the 1980s and 90s, there was nothing else to emulate, it seems. The schoolyard reinforced it. The girls reinforced it. Sports reinforced it. It involved a lot of swearing, racism, sexism, misogyny, posing, slouching and attitude.

It is also actually toxic. In all of the research Sexton conducted for the book, he found men are sicker, die earlier and are lonely and miserable in their self-enforced, controlling solitude. Sexton himself slept with a loaded rifle, ready to use it on himself at any time.

The book is really about three things: Sexton’s life, the insufferable existence of men, and the rise of the alt-right to take advantage of and reinforce it. It is both a confession and a plea for readers to open their eyes. Things are the way they are in America for good reason. And more posturing isn’t going to fix it. If you can see that in the book, it is well worthwhile.

It’s tempting to conclude that white working-class American males are the most gullible, weak and insecure examples of Homo sapiens there can be. They constantly fear for their position of superiority. They are afraid of everyone from their politicians to anyone of a different color, to their own wives and children. They fall for every idiot story that floats past.

But of course, that’s not true. It is rather, true of people in general. Why are we puzzled that young men can be radicalized into joining ISIS by looking at websites, when mass murderer Dylan Roof self-radicalized the exact same way, except it was White Supremacy instead of ISIS? Why is Make America Great Again a genuine threat to the very existence of the USA? Sexton shows how it can be, through toxic masculinity. It leads to the breakdown of self-respect, of respect for others, of the family and ultimately of the nation, as the frustration of the isolated white male becomes the front burner issue.

The key to the violence, Sexton concludes, is simple shame. Embarrassed by their own lack of humanity and success, men lash out. It is part of the contradiction that makes their lives impossible to live. It took his own father 59 years to realize it, admit it, reject it, and try to humanize himself. Just as he was getting a handle on it, he died, because part of toxic masculinity is never seeing a doctor.

I learned this violence syndrome years ago in the story of freed slaves, deported to Liberia in the mid 1800s. Instead of using their new-found freedom to work with the native Liberians, they beat them into submission, kept them out of the better jobs and schooling, and perpetuated the generations of vicious lessons of the American South. As one ex-slave put it in an extraordinary admission: "How true it is, the greater the injury done to the injured, the greater the hatred of those who have done the injury!"

David Wineberg show less

Although I missed the more conversational first person voice of his other two books, this is another great one by Jared Yates Sexton. A concise but brutally honest history of both white supremacy and class division from the very start of the United States and how it has gotten us to the state we are in now. It's a sobering read but well worth it and with a surprising note of optimism, that we can change things and it is not too late, but we need to be clear headed about the past and look for show more a new way forward. show less

I heard the author interviewed about his current book and was so impressed, I went looking for it. The current one, American Rule, was not in the library system yet so I took out this one, a deeply disquieting but insightful look at the 2016 election. I started and could not put it down, reading it all in one sitting. He delved into the Trump candidacy by going to rallies and immersing in the subculture of the right wing and sees what was so often missed. It is a hard read but I think he show more really nails it. He also has a very engaging writing style and I plan to read more of his books. show less