Beverly Engel

The orthodoxy when it comes to domestic abuse, including emotional abuse, is that it's mostly perpetrated by men and against women. Well: it's rubbish. Women are as likely to engage in coercive, controlling behaviours as men are, and this book perfectly reckons with it.

Beverly Engels, of course, outlines what emotional abuse is; why abusers behave the way they do; why their victims 'put up' with it; and how can such toxic interpersonal dynamics can be handled. More to the point: Beverly show more Engels, also, is a woman who -to her own recognition- was an emotional abuser herself, having been abused by yet another woman -her mother. Such insight might not sounds like much; yet, in a climate whereas abuse is being understood as being mostly the product of men (Lundy Bancroft's best sellers, Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men, being symptomatic of such mumbo jumbo having gone mainstream...) it's a view, going against the grain, which is more than helpful and enlightening! This book, then, doesn't adopt a counter-productive and useless gendered approach.

Having said that, one has to be clear as to what type of couples might benefit: those where the abuser is not aware of being abusive, but is loving and open enough to be able to admit to their own failing. This, again, may concern a lot of 'controlling' women, not aware that their behaviours are, indeed, abusive...

Victim, abuser, or both, this book surely contains insights to help you out! show less

The best self-help book I've come across so far. It includes almost everything someone who has been abused could want and need. It's organized in a logical way that progresses through the types of abuse experienced, the problematic results, the methods of remembering and dealing with the memories, and ways for healing. It's equally a workbook as there are many exercises in each chapter. It's a therapist in book form. The end result gently pushes for forgiveness (to ease the life of the show more person who was abused, not to let the abuser off the hook or forgive-and-forget) and that's my only quibble. This is difficult, can be offensive, and being unable to forgive can add a layer of blame. But, again, this is, in my opinion, the closest thing to actually being in session face-to-face with a good therapist. I've recently started my own sessions after years of narcissistic abuse via family, and if I couldn't get to my in-person appointments anymore, this book would be able to keep me moving forward. I'm very impressed and surprised by the quality and clarity. [I received a free copy from the publisher via LibraryThing Early Reviwers in exchange for my honest review] show less

This book was sent to me for free by LibraryThing and Broadleaf Books, in exchange for an honest review.

Trauma, trauma, trauma. I remember, when I lived in Florida, hanging out in the apartment of a family that had recently come to the states from Afghanistan. I don't remember what exactly we were talking about, but at one point the father said something along the lines of “every single person in Afghanistan has trauma. Everyone has lost someone and/or been injured and/or lost show more everything.” That statement floored me. I had never thought about our world like that. It greatly encouraged the way I moved about the world, but also maybe made me minimize my own trauma, which gave me an excuse to not examine it.

I've read quite a few book in the same vein as Put Your Past in the Past and have enjoyed a great many of them, but I don't feel like most of them stuck the same way this book did. I don't think I can say exactly why until I go back and dive in, but I think it has something to do her style of writing—simple and easy to understand, yet effortlessly tackling tough subjects—and the way she organized the book. It's basically a step-by-step guide to the many different kinds of trauma, how they may have effected us, and what we can do to break the patterns. There are many different exercises throughout; I haven't tried any of them, but will before the book gets put on a shelf.

I often like to look at things with a “what if everyone” point of view. If I'm going to do something that's against my ethics or something like that, and I rationalize it by saying it's not a big deal, I ask myself; What if everyone did this? Same with this book. What if everyone took a deep look at their life and learned how to recognize the trauma they've experienced, figure out how they're re-enacting it in their romantic and other relationships, and how to take responsibility and do the work to make the changes needed?

Another thing this book helped me do is to have slightly more sympathy for the nazis and fascists taking over this country. I'm still gonna fight against them with everything I have, but at least I understand what's happening a bit more. show less

Easy to follow, and hard to swallow. The author cuts right to the heart of the thing, using the blunt and clear terms many of us needed to hear in order to come to terms with our trauma. The book contains well researched text, interspersed with human stories, compassion, and actual worksheets to help one work through the all too common trauma many live with on a daily basis. Well worth a read by anyone, whether dealing with trauma or caring for people with trauma.