Susan M. Johnson (1) (1947–2024)

'Forget about learning how to argue better, analysing your early childhood, making grand romantic gestures, or experimenting with new sexual position. Instead, recognise and admit that you are emotionally attached to and dependent on your partner in much the same way that a child is on a parent for nurturing, soothing, and protection. Adult attachements may be more reciprocal and less centred on physical contact, but the nature of the emotional bond is the same.'

Ah! So far the best book I show more have read on marriage! What Dr Sue Johnson is doing her is, brilliantly, to apply John Bowlby's Attachement theory (how children and their caretakers need to have an healthy interpersonal relationship) to adults. It goes against all the rubbish we are being fed that is, emotionally healthy grown ups are everything but like children; so they should be emotionally self-sufficient, as relying on someone else for emotional safety and security would be clingy, dependent, needy, insecure, weak, dysfunctional... You name it! It's all rubbish, of course, and there's nothing better than a deep good look at romantic relationships to demonstrate the point oh so clearly!

Successful marriage indeed are based on strong emotional ties and mutual needs between partners. When partners are strong enough to give themselves in, open up about their vulnerabilities, be supportive of each others' weaknesses, and, above all, constantly acknowledge and fulfil each others needs for emotional connection (physical intimacy not limited to sex, special time and rituals, open acts demonstrating affection and longings...) then a strong bond occurs from which blossom trust. And when such trust is in, nothing can threaten the relationship.

Such claims, for whose clued on enough to don't buy into the cr@p sold by the triumphing individualism of our cultural zeitgeist, will make perfect sense:

'...remaining defended and isolated is a sad and empty way to live.'

Those, after all, are even scientific facts. She is not the first to apply John Bowlby's Attachement theory to adults. Even neurosciences have been nailing the point over and over when it comes to dealing with our emotional cravings: hugs and cuddles release oxytocin, serotonin and vasopressin while decreasing cortisol in our brains (the 'feel-good' hormones vs the stress hormone) and, there exist mirror neurons in our prefrontal cortex 'reverberating states of empathic resonance' between people having a strong emotional bond (put simply: emotionally connected people can literally feel each others' feelings).

What is striking here is that, focusing on marriage, she outlines various dynamics that come into play when such emotional attachement is acknowledged and fulfilled, compared to when it's not. Cases in point: when couples argue.

'the facts of a fight (whether it's a fight about the kids' schedule, your sex life, your career) aren't the real issue. The real concern is always the strength and security of the emotional bond you have with your partner. It is about accessibility, responsiveness, and emotional engagement.'

Everyone who has been through a failed relationship will recognise the negative patterns she is then describing here all too well: when there is no emotional engagement deliberately put in when things are good, then partners will engage in anything they can to cause such engagement when things are bad - be it criticising, blaming, or withdrawing (consciously or not). Things are even worse when personal 'raw spots' are triggered carelessly. Obviously, such behaviours are counter-productive. They will just feed a cycle of negativity that will spiral until, at best, couples end up in therapy (she has examples by the plenty!) at worst in a divorce/ break up. On the contrary, with couples feeling safe in their emotional bond, when an argument happens it's just that, an argument. However spouses decide to communicate and solve it, the connection is strong enough for both to disagree without feeling the relationship being threatened, and so the issue will remains 'like a brief cool breeze on a sunny day'.

How to avoid such power struggles and downfall in the first place, then? Well, by making sure your marriage is that secure bubble where both yours and your partner 's emotional needs for security and comfort are met. It's not being weak or needy (SOD off to selfishness!). It's about being a committed spouse, fuelling a positive cycle. It's not even complicated; what came to be known as Emotionally Focused Couple Therapy being indeed simple deeds to constantly do, to fulfil that need for emotional attachement our societies are more often than not denying or downplaying when it comes to adults.

Such read is baffling in its simplicity, yet amazing in its understanding of highly emotionally charged interpersonal relationships. A solid marriage is not one without issues, but one where openness, trust, and emotional engagement prevent power struggles. Emotional neglect makes for insecure partners. If you want a safe marriage, then get the point!

'To love well requires courage -and trust.'

Amen. show less

Reading Hold Me Tight felt like someone handed me a map for understanding the emotional patterns in my relationships. Dr. Sue Johnson’s approach, based on Emotionally Focused Therapy, really opened my eyes to how much our fears and insecurities shape the way we connect or disconnect with our partners. I loved the way she explains the importance of creating emotional safety and responding to each other’s needs with empathy rather than blame. The real-life examples made the concepts feel show more relatable, and I found myself thinking about my own relationship in a deeper, more compassionate way.

That said, some parts of the book can feel a bit clinical, and a few chapters repeat the same ideas about attachment and emotional responsiveness. But I appreciated that the exercises and conversation guides gave practical ways to put the theory into action, rather than leaving it abstract. Personally, it made me more aware of my own patterns of withdrawal or defensiveness and how to approach them constructively.

Overall, Hold Me Tight is a thoughtful, insightful guide for anyone looking to strengthen their relationship and deepen emotional connection. It’s not a magic fix, but it offers tools and understanding that can genuinely transform the way you relate to your partner if you’re willing to engage honestly and patiently. I would definitely recommend this book to anyone wanting to build a more secure, loving, and connected relationship. show less

Dr. Johnson's book easily wins the "World's Worst Title Ever" award. "Hold Me Tight" qua self-help book title evokes, in this reader, all the wrong associations. Much as does the scent of patchouli oil and as does the sound of gauzy-eyed adults whispering for their inner child to come on out for a good old back rub, "Hold Me Tight" evokes (again, for this reader) scary New Agey associations. For example, "Hold Me Tight" made me recall against my will that Kenny Loggins dumped his first wife show more in order to marry his colonic therapist. In a nude wedding ceremony. Nude, as in, everybody in attendance, guests and minister (excepting, hopefully, his clerical collar) included, sans sartorial stitch one. Nothing wrong with the concept, I guess, but who wants to see Mr. Danger Zone, singing, nakedly, to his new wife "Cut foot-loo-zah! Cut foot-loo-zah!"

Nothing against the New Age, per se, but everything against Kenny Loggins. That man's music has done way too much harm for him to ever have hope of redemption.

The foregoing may indeed be a strange preamble for the review of a book I thoroughly enjoyed, but I kind of feel like I needed to say what I felt about the title. Because many people who feel like I do about touchy-feely New Age hand-holding might otherwise bypass a truly remarkable and helpful book.

"Hold Me Tight," contrary to whatever negative images or atavistic longings its title triggers, is a phenomenal book. Dr. Johnson is part of the EFT (Emotionally Focused Therapy; again, sorry for whatever horrible associations this phrase conjures) movement. EFT espouses spousal connection and intimacy over technical communication proscriptions and mars-venus feelings flowcharts. Unlike most traditional "get along with your spouse" theories, EFT actually works real wonders.

I could go on, but I won't. If you seek to communicate more meaningfully with your spouse, fight your feelings and look past the bad title and read "Hold Me Tight." show less

A layman's description of the intricacies of marriage, how to identify troublesome patterns, and what can be done to overcome them. Though Dr. Johnson's re-enactments are seemingly too straight forward her explanations of concepts are not always. For the couple looking to DIY improve their communication this book should be read together and accompanied by note taking. If you still feel in over your head call around for a local family therapist that has also read the book and sign up for show more sessions. Sometimes Dr. Johnson's words are best supported by a third party that can fill her shoes in the room for you. show less