Rebecca Traister

This book has given me a lot to think about. In so many ways, this was a great source of validation to me as a "single" woman (I use quotations marks because that's not typically how I identify myself, i.e. I've never used a romantic relationship status to identify myself, so it feels weird to use the word single even in this context. I digress.)
The chapters on female friendships resonated with me the most. I have always been a person that has relied on a very tight circle of friends that I show more highly value. Lately, however, I've been appreciating and valuing friendships I have made via the internet (the bookish friends, primarily). It has always surprised me how the change in the dynamics of my friendships with different people profoundly affect me, and it took me a while to understand that I place a very high value on those relationships, akin to the value a lot of people place on romantic relationships.
Traister did an excellent job with the research and the layout of the book with exceptionally researched material to give readers an insight into the variables that have had an effect on women (married, unmarried, partnered, etc.) and the various aspects of their lives. She did a good job covering women of racial minorities; the only thing I would have liked to see was a discussion of how all the variables she'd discussed also affected trans-women, femme identifying individuals, etc. This doesn't take away from the fact that this is a book you must definitely read, and ponder. It is going to sit with me for a while. show less

As our recent 2012 election season was heating up this past October, I had an appetite for a politics read and thought that Rebecca Traister’s book taking stock of that other election season—in 2008—and its impact on the women’s right movement would hit the spot. And it did. Traister’s book didn't break new ground nor did it reveal insider tidbits like a few other books, but it wasn’t trying to do that. Instead, it was trying to identify and process the meaning of a historic show more period in which we saw two women, Hillary Clinton and the one-who-shall-not-be-named-from-Alaska, vying for the highest offices in the land, as well as the increased visibility of the candidate spouses.

For me, the value of Traister’s book lies in how she captured snapshots of those defining moments that we lived through in 2008 and articulated their meanings and implications within the historic and philosophical framework of gender studies and the equal rights movement. I only understood much of these issues intuitively, but did not have the precise vocabulary and terms of reference to process it all for myself in such a coherent manner. Don’t get me wrong, this isn’t a dry, academic work. It reads more like a journalistic account and analysis with a few of Traister’s personal stories thrown into it, making it a pretty quick but not superficial read.

The book has a fairly broad scope, zooming in on friction within the liberal/progressive movement and within the women’s rights movement over whom to support between Obama and Clinton during the primaries, how issues of not just gender but race were addressed, media coverage of candidates, and the role of pop culture in the equation. I found especially engaging her examination of the generational rifts that were brought into starker relief within the women’s movement during the primaries and the soul searching that accompanied it. This was very much a reality at the time, so I can't agree with those who said that it was tiresome to rehash the same debates in Big Girls Don't Cry that had been highlighted and expounded on for years among feminists. Also pretty interesting was the book’s look at how the Republican Party’s introduction of a female VP candidate ignited discussions within the women’s rights movement about what the principles of their movement were about. What happens when a woman exhibits characteristics of empowerment and leadership but supports anti-women policies? The book also touches on a very good point that was raised during the Democratic primaries, which was a response to those who objected to Clinton by saying they’d be happy to support women candidates, just not *that* woman. She put forward a good question that I hadn’t given much thought to before: what are the factors in society that caused ‘that woman’ to become the way she was?

I have to take issue with a few things that Traister raises though. In trying to make the point that it wasn’t just misogynistic cavemen and crazy media pundits exhibiting sexist behavior, but also liberal men—her peers, other politicians—who were known as equal rights supporters, Traister tended to conflate the chauvinism on display by the media as a blanket example of behavior by non-media people. I thought that was a bit sloppy.

And on the issue of the exasperation with the prolonged Democratic Party primaries, I thought Traister’s interpretation of the reasons were a bit off, or at least, incomplete. She portrayed the frustration that many in the party had—from the leaders down to the grassroots—as men bullying a woman who had every right to stay on and compete. My interpretation of those frustrations with Clinton that Traister covers, though, was that they were due to the understanding that it was mathematically impossible for her to win enough delegates to surpass Obama, so staying in the race was just giving the advantage to the Republican candidate. This debate is water under the bridge now, but I just found it a tad disingenuous of Traister to exclude this side of the argument from the book when recounting this particular topic.

I have a few other quibbles with the book, but all in all, Big Girls Don't Cry makes a great contribution to the collection of accounts that are building up about this significant period in our recent history. show less

Wow, this was exactly what I needed to read right now. Using the political nightmare we're all living through right now as her launching point, Traister traces all the ways that women's righteous anger at their status has been systematically diminished, derided and degraded by those who are unwilling to share power — yep, I'm afraid white men don't fare well here. It was striking to me how Traister clearly takes no pleasure in pointing out the ways that even men who believe they are allies show more undermine the work women are doing, which makes the indictment all the more powerful.

The examples and situations of women's anger being dismissed or turned against them, both historical and contemporary, are as infuriating as they are endless, but she also recounts times when women have persisted and used their anger to effect real social change. It's powerful stuff. I appreciated how Traister didn't shy away from discussing the ways that the righteous anger of women has been undermined by other women, and the frustration and resentment felt by women of color, who have often been vocally agitating on particular issues long before they are "discovered" by white women. There were a number of times that I felt uncomfortable and had to examine some of my own assumptions and behaviors, recognizing that despite my best efforts I have sometimes been complicit in such "whitewashing" and erasure of the important work done by black women.

This book is "hot off the presses," so to speak, covering events that happened as recently as this past spring and summer. Even so, as I was reading it in the run-up to and immediate aftermath of the recent election, I wished I could have read what Traister thought about the historic numbers of women who were elected to both federal, state and local offices this week, and the racial and cultural diversity that they represent.

The book closes with Traister cautioning that while the fury women felt following the 2016 election has compelled many of them to become politically active for the first time, that level of commitment and action will need to be sustained for a long time if the goal of a better society is to be met. It's a marathon, not a sprint, but there may be no one better to run it than all the "moms in tennis shoes" who are learning how not to use their indoor voices. show less

Women, single or formerly single: you need this book in your life. It reinforced all the comforting, realistic things my friends said to me in my worst "my life is not following the Official Path" moments -- with historical context and data! Traister is a real journalist who understands that you can't just tell your story and those of your (also white and well-educated) friends and pretend that it's a book about women in general. She acknowledges that there's a slant towards people who look show more like her, but is scrupulous about including a diversity of stories. Multiple people are getting this one from me for Winter Gift Season. show less