The Bitch in the House: 26 Women Tell the Truth About Sex, Solitude, Work, Motherhood, and Marriage
by Cathi Hanauer (Editor)
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Virginia Woolf introduced us to the "Angel in the House", now prepare to meet ... The Bitch In the House. This e-book includes an exclusive excerpt from The Bitch is Back: Older, Wiser, and Getting Happier, a second collection of essays from nine of the contributors featured in The Bitch in the House and from sixteen captivating new voices. Women today have more choices than at any time in history, yet many smart, ambitious, contemporary women are finding themselves angry, dissatisfied, show more stressed out. Why are they dissatisfied? And what do they really want? These questions form the premise of this passionate, provocative, funny, searingly honest collection of original essays in which twenty-six women writers-ranging in age from twenty-four to sixty-five, single and childless or married with children or four times divorced-invite readers into their lives, minds, and bedrooms to talk about the choices they've made, what's working, and what's not. With wit and humor, in prose as poetic and powerful as it is blunt and dead-on, these intriguing women offer details of their lives that they've never publicly revealed before, candidly sounding off on: 1. The difficult decisions and compromises of living with lovers, marrying, staying single and having children 2. The perpetual tug of war between love and work, family and career 3. The struggle to simultaneously care for ailing parents and a young family 4. The myth of co-parenting 5. Dealing with helpless mates and needy toddlers 6. The constrictions of traditional women's roles as well as the cliches of feminism 7. Anger at laid-back live-in lovers content to live off a hardworking woman's checkbook 8. Anger at being criticized for one's weight 9. Anger directed at their mothers, right and wrong 10. And-well-more anger ... "This book was born out of anger," begins Cathi Hanauer, but the end result is an intimate sharing of experience that will move, amuse, and enlighten. The Bitch in the House is a perfect companion for your students as they plot a course through the many voices of modern feminism. This is the sound of the collective voice of successful women today-in all their anger, grace, and glory. From The Bitch In the House: "I believed myself to be a feminist, and I vowed never to fall into the same trap of domestic boredom and servitude that I saw my mother as being fully entrenched in; never to settle for a life that was, as I saw it, lacking independence, authority, and respect." -E.S. Maduro, page 5, "Here are a few things people have said about me at the office: 'You're unflappable.' 'Are you ever in a bad mood?' Here are things people-okay, the members of my family-have said about me at home: ''Mommy is always grumpy.' 'Why are you so tense?' 'You're too mean to live in this house and I want you to go back to work for the rest of your life!'" -Kristin van Ogtrop, page 161, "I didn't want to be a bad mother I wanted to be my mother-safe, protective, rational, calm-without giving up all my anger, because my anger fueled me." - Elissa Schappell, page 195. show lessTags
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Usually this type of anthology – women writing about their lives, loves and experiences – causes me to throw the book against the wall after a few chapters, even if only metaphorically. They are either painfully twee, or annoyingly narcissistic. Fortunately, that was not the case with this book.
I found ‘The Bitch in the House’ to be an engaging and thought-provoking read, that rang true for me again and again, especially the section devoted to motherhood. Maybe this is just marketing working – perhaps I am the audience this book was aimed at – but whatever the case, I read this book cover to cover in almost one sitting, seeing my own life and experiences through the prism of other’s. Perhaps that is just me being show more narcissistic, but I would like to think that it is more - that here were some highly talented writers finally articulating what I felt and, more importantly, why I felt it. This is not a book of answers, but even knowing that there are women like me – women that feel guilty for feeling angry when really life is so good – made this reading this book a highlight for me. show less
I found ‘The Bitch in the House’ to be an engaging and thought-provoking read, that rang true for me again and again, especially the section devoted to motherhood. Maybe this is just marketing working – perhaps I am the audience this book was aimed at – but whatever the case, I read this book cover to cover in almost one sitting, seeing my own life and experiences through the prism of other’s. Perhaps that is just me being show more narcissistic, but I would like to think that it is more - that here were some highly talented writers finally articulating what I felt and, more importantly, why I felt it. This is not a book of answers, but even knowing that there are women like me – women that feel guilty for feeling angry when really life is so good – made this reading this book a highlight for me. show less
#15, 2006
This is a marvelous read - a book of essays by women about a variety of topics. The book's subtitle pretty much says it all: "26 Women Tell the Truth about Sex, Solitude, Work, Motherhood and Marriage." They're mostly written from what I'd call a "feminist" perspective, and deal with the sorts of issues I've dealt with in my life, or have seen women I know dealing with. Motherhood vs. career. Is it possible to have a passionate long-term relationship? Wow, children can really push one to the edge of patience and beyond. Lots of stuff about having issues with one's own mother. I particularly like this quote from the Afterward:
It turns out that contemporary women lucky enough to have choices . . . are hungry for meaningful show more material to help them figure out their messy and complex lives - lives complicated in ways largely unknown to past generations of women. Strong, ambitious, highly competent women - the very ones for whom the Feminist Movement opened the doors to power and success - find themselves at a difficult crossroads today, a time when one major need, desire, biological urge (to love, to nurture, to have children, to be the good mothers our own mothers were, or weren't) is in direct conflict with another: that of not only contributing a necessary share of the family income, but of fulfilling the intellectual and professional ambitions for which we've been groomed and primed.
The essays were all very real, very authentic, and some of them really resonated with me. This was a WONDERFUL book.
LJ Discussion show less
This is a marvelous read - a book of essays by women about a variety of topics. The book's subtitle pretty much says it all: "26 Women Tell the Truth about Sex, Solitude, Work, Motherhood and Marriage." They're mostly written from what I'd call a "feminist" perspective, and deal with the sorts of issues I've dealt with in my life, or have seen women I know dealing with. Motherhood vs. career. Is it possible to have a passionate long-term relationship? Wow, children can really push one to the edge of patience and beyond. Lots of stuff about having issues with one's own mother. I particularly like this quote from the Afterward:
It turns out that contemporary women lucky enough to have choices . . . are hungry for meaningful show more material to help them figure out their messy and complex lives - lives complicated in ways largely unknown to past generations of women. Strong, ambitious, highly competent women - the very ones for whom the Feminist Movement opened the doors to power and success - find themselves at a difficult crossroads today, a time when one major need, desire, biological urge (to love, to nurture, to have children, to be the good mothers our own mothers were, or weren't) is in direct conflict with another: that of not only contributing a necessary share of the family income, but of fulfilling the intellectual and professional ambitions for which we've been groomed and primed.
The essays were all very real, very authentic, and some of them really resonated with me. This was a WONDERFUL book.
LJ Discussion show less
A series of entertaining and intimate essays by a number of women in various stages of relationship with men. Studies indicate that a growing number of women in today's society are dealing with feelings of anger and resentment. What is at the root of all this rage? These essays seek to examine this question through the voice and experiences of a range of unique women. Funny, provocative, and sad.
This felt more negative than the men's version. Interestingly, although these writers were also more angry than their husbands, they were also accepting more blame for their situations. Like Pamela Stone's [Opting Out?], this collection made me kinda glad I'm not a Type-A and thus have no grand ambitions to worry about giving up. Because they always have to give them up. At the same time, there seemed to be a thread of unrealistic expectations. Most of the writers grew up with mothers who did all the housework. So no wonder that they're frustrated at doing it now. They don't want to do any housework, shared or otherwise. As someone with a long list of childhood chores, that made me less than sympathetic. Living together didn't come out show more looking like a great option, surprisingly. There was one piece explaining why the author and her partner will never marry, which was interesting and entertaining but I never figured out her reason.
A few observations I particularly liked: Kate Christensen: "Like most of the girls I knew when I was growing up, I'd always assumed I'd marry the perfect man. But for me, the man himself wasn't an important element in my fantasies of the future; he existed in my imagination as a flawless but shadowy alter ego, a male version of myself who would read my mind, meet all my needs, and have none of his own."
Cynthia Kling (on relationship advice from well-meaning friends): "Women complain that men boss them around and tell them what to do, but what about all that female coercion? The oppressive solidarity of the smart-girl set?"
Ellen Gilchrist: "I think older women probably make better mothers in many ways. But young women are more selfish and you have to be selfish to demand time for yourself when you have children. Young women are closer to the time when they were manipulative and childish and they don't let their babies manipulate them as much as older mothers do. These are only my conclusions from watching children in grocery stores." show less
A few observations I particularly liked: Kate Christensen: "Like most of the girls I knew when I was growing up, I'd always assumed I'd marry the perfect man. But for me, the man himself wasn't an important element in my fantasies of the future; he existed in my imagination as a flawless but shadowy alter ego, a male version of myself who would read my mind, meet all my needs, and have none of his own."
Cynthia Kling (on relationship advice from well-meaning friends): "Women complain that men boss them around and tell them what to do, but what about all that female coercion? The oppressive solidarity of the smart-girl set?"
Ellen Gilchrist: "I think older women probably make better mothers in many ways. But young women are more selfish and you have to be selfish to demand time for yourself when you have children. Young women are closer to the time when they were manipulative and childish and they don't let their babies manipulate them as much as older mothers do. These are only my conclusions from watching children in grocery stores." show less
I have mixed feelings about this book. I think it explores quite well the often-repressed feelings of anger that many women have. However, I wish that there had been a bit more diversity in the voices presented. Although I don't know this for a fact, it certainly seems like the authors of the essays are all upper/middle-class, heterosexual, and white (I'm assuming the last race, but I don't think it's much of a stretch, given the complete lack of discussion of race or orientation). I was also quite frustrated by the attitudes of many of the authors - more than once I found myself saying "go to a therapist, you daft cow, and deal with your freaking mommy issues." Unsympathetic, I know. On the other hand, I definitely related quite show more strongly to some of the writers' experiences - like putting pressure on myself to have a clean house and being irritated that my partner doesn't have the same internal pressure. Which is stupid, because I can just ask for help and I get it.
That being said, there were four or five essays that stood out for me and provided really interesting conversation jumping-off points for me and my partner. I don't have the names right now, but they dealt with couples in a relationship living apart, why a couple would choose not to marry, non-monogamy (in theory and practice), and choosing to put your "crushes" on your partner, not on someone else.
The section of the book called "Mommy Maddest" made me turn to my partner and say "let's never have children. Seriously." show less
That being said, there were four or five essays that stood out for me and provided really interesting conversation jumping-off points for me and my partner. I don't have the names right now, but they dealt with couples in a relationship living apart, why a couple would choose not to marry, non-monogamy (in theory and practice), and choosing to put your "crushes" on your partner, not on someone else.
The section of the book called "Mommy Maddest" made me turn to my partner and say "let's never have children. Seriously." show less
The unfortunate downside of the feminist movement is that there isn't enough time in a day to "have it all," which really, really frustrates and in some cases enrages the essayists in this book. However, the overarching theme seems to be a positive one. Sometimes, through the process of writing about it, these women seem to have come to terms with the prioritizing and compromise involved with being a wife, mother, and an employee (or choosing not to do any of those things). It's also comforting and enlightening to the reader to know that "you are not alone" and "we are all still trying to figure this out" as well as "this is what I've learned." I recommend this to everyone, particularly every woman.
I QUIT!!!!
I've ordered this in print.....
The first narrator was so Awful! Honestly her voice was flat and devoid of all feeling. As if I was listening to a high pitched zombie
In fact her voice was so blah, that I completely tuned out to the first several minutes of her narration....I didn't hear a word she said! That's when I knew I was finished!
If "listening" to a book is a skill...it's obviously one I do not have.
So, as for the book itself......I'll go for ★ ★ ★
Reading this was so very much better than listening to it.....I was able to finish it.
I understand completely the situations these women have put themselves in.....most of them take the blame for choosing to be/staying in bad relationships. They describe their honest show more feelings & again take responsibility for allowing family to take advantage of them.....
There was a woman who had a control issue: she had to do it ALL herself.....and her husband really wanted to help her, but she felt it was easier to do it herself rather than teach him how. So of course, when he stopped offering his help she began to feel resentful.
Another woman loved her b.f because he was the "sensitive & creative" artistic type...so he'd work on his art, get stoned & play video games while she went out to work and when she finally asked for his help, he'd complain that she was mean & picking on him...is this a "no brainer" or what?
Then there was the couple who has an "open marriage" and both continue with a series of "affairs".....she of course has conflicting emotions....but she too has affairs of her own.
One woman is in a monogamous long-term relationship with the same man....they're great friends & have a child together. Neither feel the need or desire to marry. Their sexual relationship isn't the hottest", but that's not why she's still with him.....she simply loves him & is happy with what they have.
Another (an author that I read often) learned that she doesn't have to be beholden to her family from India. It took her quite a bit of their visiting (of course at home we do it this way) and feeling that she had to go back to the old ways of India hospitality. She learned that she can drop them off for the day, let them go shopping, out for a tour and still do her work while they are out...as for dinner, she orders take-away or takes them out to eat.
Although, there was one woman I really wanted to slap silly.....she doesn't like being "mean mommy" and disciplining her kids when they misbehave & make her angry, because she's afraid of her anger..... Come on, the 3-4 yr old refused to go to sleep, was jumping on the bed w/ his sister. When "mommy" went in the room telling them to stop & go to bed, the kid threw his book at her head & hit her in her eye and laughed at her....and she screamed @ the kid and then he & his sister cried and she forgave him. That mother is an IDIOT...that child needed to be disciplined, Period. show less
I've ordered this in print.....
The first narrator was so Awful! Honestly her voice was flat and devoid of all feeling. As if I was listening to a high pitched zombie
In fact her voice was so blah, that I completely tuned out to the first several minutes of her narration....I didn't hear a word she said! That's when I knew I was finished!
If "listening" to a book is a skill...it's obviously one I do not have.
So, as for the book itself......I'll go for ★ ★ ★
Reading this was so very much better than listening to it.....I was able to finish it.
I understand completely the situations these women have put themselves in.....most of them take the blame for choosing to be/staying in bad relationships. They describe their honest show more feelings & again take responsibility for allowing family to take advantage of them.....
There was a woman who had a control issue: she had to do it ALL herself.....and her husband really wanted to help her, but she felt it was easier to do it herself rather than teach him how. So of course, when he stopped offering his help she began to feel resentful.
Another woman loved her b.f because he was the "sensitive & creative" artistic type...so he'd work on his art, get stoned & play video games while she went out to work and when she finally asked for his help, he'd complain that she was mean & picking on him...is this a "no brainer" or what?
Then there was the couple who has an "open marriage" and both continue with a series of "affairs".....she of course has conflicting emotions....but she too has affairs of her own.
One woman is in a monogamous long-term relationship with the same man....they're great friends & have a child together. Neither feel the need or desire to marry. Their sexual relationship isn't the hottest", but that's not why she's still with him.....she simply loves him & is happy with what they have.
Another (an author that I read often) learned that she doesn't have to be beholden to her family from India. It took her quite a bit of their visiting (of course at home we do it this way) and feeling that she had to go back to the old ways of India hospitality. She learned that she can drop them off for the day, let them go shopping, out for a tour and still do her work while they are out...as for dinner, she orders take-away or takes them out to eat.
Although, there was one woman I really wanted to slap silly.....she doesn't like being "mean mommy" and disciplining her kids when they misbehave & make her angry, because she's afraid of her anger..... Come on, the 3-4 yr old refused to go to sleep, was jumping on the bed w/ his sister. When "mommy" went in the room telling them to stop & go to bed, the kid threw his book at her head & hit her in her eye and laughed at her....and she screamed @ the kid and then he & his sister cried and she forgave him. That mother is an IDIOT...that child needed to be disciplined, Period. show less
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A hot new collection of essays (all of them interesting and one of them—by Ellen Gilchrist—exquisite).
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I shall be thankful to you for this valuable info.
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Author Information
Cathi Hanauer is the author of three novels-My Sister's Bones, Sweet Ruin, and Gone-and the editor of the New York Times bestselling essay collection The Bitch in the House. A former columnist for Galmour, Mademoiselle, and Seventeen, she has written for the New York Times; Elle; O, The Oprah Magazine; Real Simple; and other magazines.
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- Original publication date
- 2002
- Epigraph
- You who come of a younger and happier generation may not have heard of her—you may not know what I mean by The Angel in the House. I will describe her as shortly as I can. She was intensely sympathetic. She was immensely ch... (show all)arming. She was utterly unselfish. She excelled in the difficult arts of family life. She sacrficied herself daily. If there was a chicken, she took the leg; if there was a draft she sat in it—in short she was so constituted that she never had a mind or a wish of her own, but preferred to sympathize always with the minds and wishes of others.
—Virginia Wool, "Professions for Women," a paper presented to the Women's Service League
I am greedy. Puritans scold me for running breathlessly over life's table of contents and for wishing and longing for everything.
—Nina Cassian - Dedication
- For Dan, of course
- Blurbers
- Strout, Elizabeth; Kaplan, Cynthia; Lipman, Elinor; Slater, Lauren
Classifications
- Genres
- Nonfiction, Sexuality and Gender Studies, General Nonfiction, Biography & Memoir
- DDC/MDS
- 305.420973 — Society, government, & culture Social sciences, sociology & anthropology Social group - Age, Gender, Ethnicity Women Social role and status of women Standard subdivisions History, geographic treatment, biography North America
- LCC
- HQ1421 .B523 — Social sciences The family. Marriage, Women and Sexuality The Family. Marriage. Women Women. Feminism
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- 38,395
- Reviews
- 20
- Rating
- (3.45)
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- Dutch, English, Polish
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- Paper, Audiobook, Ebook
- ISBNs
- 9
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- 4
