The Confessions of St. Augustine

Not in shady groves, not in amusements, nor in song could my soul find repose, nor in fragrant gardens or sumptuous feasts, not in the pleasures of bed and couch, not in books or poetry. Everything repelled me, even light itself. Everything was irksome and vile that was not what he was, everything except for laments and tears, since it was in those alone that I found a little solace.

Not in sheltered groves,
not in music or play,
not in gardens scented with flowers,
nor in feasting and company;
not in the pleasures of love,
not even in books, nor in poetry,
could my soul find rest.

All these I hated.
I hated the daylight.
Everything that was not him was painful and hurtful to me.
Only in my tears and sighs
did I taste some little peace.

Did I not read in you of Jupiter the thunderer and adulterer - he surely could not have been both, but was presented as such so that a fictitious thunder might mimic and pander to real adultery.

It was an accepted belief in the studies I followed
that Jupiter was both the one
who sends his thunderbolts on the wicked
and the one who was also an adulterer.
How could he possibly be both?
But so the story goes.

The result is that those who follow him in adultery
can put a bold face on it
by making false pretence of thunder.

I was delighted to hear Ambrose
often saying in his sermons to the people,
and saying it with emphasis,
The letter kills,
but the Spirit gives life.

When he lifted the veil of mystery from the Scriptures
and opened to the people the spiritual meaning of texts,
which taken literally would seem to be absurd,
he said nothing that would offend.
Even so, I did not know whether what he said was true.

---

What you were I did not know.
But that you did exist,
and that the care of human affairs was in your hands,
I did believe.

This conviction was at times strong, at times fickle.
But at all times I believed that you existed and that you cared for us,
even though I did not know how I ought to think about you,
or work out what way would lead us to you,
or lead us back to you.

---

These books bade me
to return to myself.
So with you as guide
I entered into my deepest self.
But only because you helped me
was I able to do this.
I entered, then,
and with the eye of my soul
I saw the light within,
the light which never changes.